Winter's Shadow
by reverse-swing
Summary: It's been two months of agony for Piper Chapman and she is struggling to cope, but when Winter arrives, it brings with it Alex Vause and something neither of them was prepared for. Expect some solid Vauseman and shenanigans along the way.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello and welcome to my new Fan fic.**

 **Enjoy…..**

Alex awoke with the same promise she made herself every day; today she would be better than yesterday. But it was only 9.30am and she'd already been an asshole at least twice. It wasn't like she went out of her way to do so; it was just that she was surrounded by idiots.

She took a deep sip of coffee, immediately regretting it. The place she usually went to was closed for refurbishment, so she had to make do with Starbucks. It tasted like shit and they had fucked her order up, so they had fully deserved her ass-holery. However, the cup afforded a warmth that was pleasant against her chilly hands.

'Is that a new look? Hobo chic?' Mia said, peering around the doorway of the back office and pointing to Alex's white, V-neck t-shirt.

She looked down, spotting the coffee stain; slowly bleeding across her midriff. 'Shit' she exclaimed, slamming the leaking paper cup on the desk. 'Well don't just fucking stand there, how about you get me some tissues?'

'Jeez' Mia replied, disappearing into the bathroom and returning with a scrunched up handful of toilet paper, 'someone got out of the wrong side of bed this morning…if it was _your_ bed that is' she smirked.

'How about you quit being a jackass and unpack some of those deliveries we got in yesterday?' she said, her thumb pointing in the direction of the stock room.

Mia scowled, 'I don't get paid enough to deal with this crap' she muttered under her breath, sweeping her dyed red tousles away from her face and leaving the office to do as she was told.

Fucking teenagers, always needing a firm hand. She dabbed ineffectually at the stain. If anything, it made it even worse. Alex sighed, conceding defeat and tossed the coffee cup into the waste paper basket next to the desk. It landed softly on top of endless Twinkie wrappers and yesterday's half eaten Five Guys cheeseburger.

Her cell phone buzzed softly across the desk. She winced when she saw who it was: Sylvie. She had ignored her calls the previous two evenings, so to do it for a third time in as many days was a new low in the asshole stakes, even for Alex. She counted to three and flipped the phone open. 'Hey' she said, attempting not to sound as underwhelmed as she felt.

'Hey…Alex!' came the excited, slightly hesitant reply. Clearly she had not been expecting her to answer.

'What's up?' she asked, eyes skimming over last month's stock taking records.

'I thought maybe we could go out for dinner tonight?'

Eurgh. She was trying to move the casual fucking up a notch, to a level that Alex had zero interest in familiarising herself with. Absolutely nada.

'I'm a bit busy this week Sylvie' she replied flatly.

'But it's only Monday? How can you be busy for the whole week already? I miss you' she said, losing a grip on the breeziness that she was trying so hard to cultivate.

'Just work and stuff'.

'Work?'

Yep, that was a shitty excuse. After all, it wasn't like Alex worked for some multi national. She ran a vintage clothes store, one that just about met the basic overheads every month.

'And stuff' she repeated, as if that made the excuse more plausible.

'What stuff?'

Alex could feel a pounding behind her eyes, she wasn't sure how much more of this conversation she could handle, especially without the assistance of some decent caffeine. 'Fine' she conceded, keen to get her off the phone, 'we can go to dinner'.

'Tonight?'

'Yea ok, if that's what you want'. It was a slightly better alternative to last night's left over Chinese, especially since the egg rolls had already seemed a little questionable. She wasn't convinced they would stand up to a second round of reheating.

'Great, I'll come by your place around 7 then?'

'Sure' Alex replied, hoping it sounded a little more enthusiastic than she felt. She hung up before Sylvie attempted to extend the conversation any further.

She dropped her phone back on her desk clumsily and leant back in the chair. It was the only thing worth a dime in her office. Delicious, buttery soft Italian leather: holding her in a familiar embrace. She removed her glasses, running a hand over her tired face and shivered a little. Winter had well and truly arrived. The slight warmth the coffee had provided had quickly dissipated. That was the problem with having an office with two external walls. She yanked the black cashmere sweater, a gift from her mother, from the back of the chair and pulled it on. She felt a little better, but still shot a filthy glare at the disused radiator underneath the peeling window ledge, as if it was mocking her. The shop was barely breaking even right now. Heating was a luxury she could ill afford. She was already toying with the idea of having to let Mia go, but as annoying as she was, the thought of spending all day every day in the shop alone, was too depressing to contemplate.

'Hello, is anyone serving?' A female voice said, breaking Alex out of her rather gloomy train of thought. Unsurprisingly, Mia was nowhere to be seen, probably still sulking in the stock room. She grabbed her glasses from the desk, quickly putting them back on and made her way out to the front of the shop.

'Hey' she said locking eyes with the customer. She was blonde, around 22/23 years old, a little shorter than Alex, and although she was wearing a coat and scarf, it was still obvious she had decent figure. You couldn't wear jeans like _that_ and not have a smoking hot body. And the deal clincher? The most crystal clear blue eyes you ever saw. The sort of eyes you could well and truly lose yourself in, without any thought of being found. She was a nine. No, fuck that. She was a ten.

'Hi' she said, a little hesitantly, 'I wonder if you could help me? I'm looking for a vintage leather jacket for my fiancé?'

'Any particular colour?'

'Errmm, maybe like tan?' she said, biting on her bottom lip and running a hand absent-mindedly over a railing of clothes. Long, slender fingers.

'Well, we don't have any tan in stock right now, but we should be getting a delivery in the next few days, do you need it urgently?'

'Oh, uhh, well, it's not his birthday until next week, so that should be ok.'

Straight girl. Of course.

'Alright, well how about I take your number and give you a call when the delivery arrives?' Alex suggested, strangely feeling a little warmer.

'Yea, that would be great' she said smiling, lighting up those eyes in a way that made them even more stunning. Alex grabbed a note pad and pen from behind the till, unsure why she was feeling so excited and handed them to her. The woman hurriedly scribbled down her number, thanked Alex and turned to leave.

'Wait' Alex said, glancing down at the paper, 'You didn't leave your name'.

'Sorry, yes, it's Piper' she said, brushing a lock of blonde hair away from her face. 'Piper Chapman.'

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

It had been a long day, made worse by the fact that it was exactly two months since it had happened. The detail of it was mainly a blur, it had all been so rushed and panicked and for that she felt grateful. But it was the feeling when she came round that she couldn't shake. The immediate sense that she was missing something: that hollow feeling. And all the time, she kept being told, by her mother, by Polly, by Larry, that she had to be brave and strong and that she would get through this, when all she really wanted to do was curl up and vanish.

She hadn't cried until a month later and then it was like someone had broken an emotional dam; a tide of tears that just refused to be stemmed, of a whole life planned out and then dashed. All within a space of a few hours.

'Hey honey, I'm back', Larry yelled from the hallway.

'Hey, I'm in here' she said, shouting from the kitchen, her hands wrapped around a wine glass.

'Wow Pipes, drinking at 4.30 in the afternoon, is this a new thing?' he said, clearly not deciding whether to be jokey or judgmental, but managing to achieve both, to Piper's annoyance.

'How's the being a writer going' she said making air quotes at the word writer, knowing that would cause him maximum offence.

It worked. He made that little boy wounded look that she used to find adorable, but these days was just irritating.

'It's a lot harder than you think you know and it's more about luck and being in the right place at the right time than anything else.'

She assumed then, that for the last two years, he had somehow always managed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

'So the interview didn't go so well, huh?' she said, popping a wasabi pea in her mouth, coughing a little as the sharp heat got caught in the back of her throat.

'They said they would let me know'.

They both knew what that meant, they had heard it enough times before and if a local rag, that only a handful of people read, wouldn't hire him, then what hope was there?

'You could just get a temp job to tide you over? That's what most people do to fund themselves when they're following their dreams.'

It was a silly question, she knew exactly why he wouldn't do that, he didn't need to. His parents always bailed him out. This apartment was owned by them and Larry's mother cooked them so many meals they may just as well have been living with them. And yet, despite all this, he still insisted on maintaining a veneer of independence.

'Come on Pipes, we've discussed this' he said removing his jacket and tossing it across the back of a dining chair. 'A temp job would affect my creativity and what would be the point in that?' He kissed the top of her head gently, he smelt of spearmint chewing gum.

She was being a bitch to him and he didn't deserve it. He was good and kind and made her laugh and really, none of this was his fault.

'I'm sorry, I know you'll find something soon, you're a great writer', she said smiling. 'What do you want for dinner?'

'My mom called earlier, she's made her famous brisket' he grinned, 'you up for it?'

'Sure' she replied. After all, it wasn't like she had a better offer.

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At 7pm on the dot, Alex's apartment buzzer went. That was Sylvie, a stickler for punctuality. She practically came bounding through the front door. She looked Alex up and down: the sight of her in a sweatshirt and shorts causing a look of confusion to spread across her face. 'You do know when I said dinner, I meant going out dinner, not eating grilled cheese and drinking beer dinner.'

'You mean Monday night?' Alex grinned.

'Yea, maybe _your_ usual Monday night, but not today' she said, he eyes pleading in a way that Alex found unbearably annoying.

'Well, how about I make you an offer you can't refuse?' She'd been feeling horny as fuck all day.

'What sort of offer?' Sylvie replied, eyeing her suspiciously.

'Well let's just say' Alex said, removing the jacket from Sylvie's shoulders and kissing her neck, 'that it involves seeing your clothes discarded on my bedroom floor'. This was fine, this was okay, this was _not_ relationship stuff.

Sylvie giggled in delight, 'so no dinner?' she asked with little conviction.

'Let's skip to dessert instead' Alex mumbled.

'I love dessert'

'Me too' she grinned, ignoring the whispering of her mind.

Piper Chapman. Piper Chapman.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello all, hope you are fine and dandy. Thank you so much for your reviews, I'm glad you like how this has started. Please continue to let me know what you think and if you can guess what has happened to Piper.**

 **Please note, for the purposes of this chapter, the italics represent a flash** **forward** **.**

 **Ok, enough from me. Here's chapter 2 to tuck into.**

' _Piper' you say softly, placing a hand on her shoulder. But she's crying now, it's too late._

' _No!' She replies, as angry, hot tears stain her face. They should taint her some how, but they don't. If anything, she looks even more beautiful, because the facade is gone and this is just her._

' _You don't ever get to throw that in my face, like ever, you hear me Alex?!'_

 _Her eyes are wide with fear and hurt and something else, but you can't quite put your finger on it._

' _I'm sorry' you whisper, trying to pull her close. But she twists herself free; a squirming fish on the end of a hook._

' _You just don't get it do you? Any of this.'_

 _You shake your head. You thought you did, but the more she speaks, the more confused you are. 'We're friends', you manage to choke out._

' _You just don't get it' she repeats, more forlorn this time._

 _You begin to think she's right._

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Piper curled up on the couch, rested her head on her arms and allowed the silence of the house to envelope her. The evening had been difficult, like all the other dinners and lunches she had attended at Larry's parents for the last two months: no one bothering to acknowledge the elephant in the room. It had all just become a series of irrelevant conversations, punctuated with light, meaningless laughter and it drove her crazy. But then too much time alone wasn't good for her either, because then it allowed her to mull over what could have been, all the plans she had made. The future.

The future that would now never come to fruition.

And then there was the hurt and anguish, swirling around her brain. A dark, immovable cloud. It was a strange sort of pain. It seemed to metamorphosise over time, shifting from excruciating to numbing and into its current form: stabbing. But it never left her, not even for a second, like an unwanted shadow.

She sighed deeply. She needed a cigarette. She hadn't smoked since grad school, but right now, that was all she wanted…and maybe some more wine. The shrink had warned her off too much of that. It was a depressant apparently. But it seemed to numb her, so as far as she was concerned, it was a fantastic form of self-medication, she just needed to make sure she wasn't too half cut by the time Larry got back.

The cell phone buzzed in her back pocket. She checked the display. It was Polly.

'Hey Poll' she said, not bothering with a cheery pretense.

'Pipes, you ok?'

'Sure' Piper replied, not even convincing herself.

'I'll be over in a 15' she said, hanging up.

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Alex lit a cigarette, watching the smoke unfurl and contemplated what to eat. She opened the fridge and scanned the contents; greasy Chinese, stale milk, two beers, butter and a half eaten sub…possibly meatball or pastrami, she couldn't remember which. She opted for a beer.

'So what's for dinner then?' Sylvie asked, padding into the kitchen wearing one of Alex's t-shirts. Alex hated that she did that, it was girlfriend behavior and it needed to be stamped out, but moreover, it was a sign that she wasn't planning on leaving any time soon and that was even more problematic.

'Errmm…beer?' she said, holding up the bottle. Her kitchen was tiny. Clean and functional, but tiny and there was barely room for the two of them to stand without touching, but it was quite clear that this didn't bother Sylvie in the slightest.

'Babe, we can't have beer for dinner, especially after the work out we just had, we need something to recharge our batteries', she grinned.

Alex was getting that feeling again, when things seemed to be slipping out of her control.

When she was ten, she'd managed to lock herself in the bathroom whilst her mom had popped out for groceries. For those twenty minutes, it had felt like the walls were slowly closing in on her; like she was being covered by a dark blanket of suffocation. That was how Sylvie was making her feel right now and she needed to put a stop to it.

'Shall I pop out and get us something?' Sylvie purred, nudging Alex against the counter top, her breasts gently pushing into her as she wrapped her arms around Alex's neck for a kiss. It felt soft and wet and all Alex wanted to do was pull away.

She was a sweet girl, Alex couldn't deny that, but why didn't she get the message? Maybe she needed to get a sign: 'no relationships welcome here', but knowing Sylvie, she would ignore that too. The fucking was pretty good, but she wasn't sure it was worth all the extra aggravation.

Alex shook her head. 'I'm beat, i've had a long day, mind if we call it a night?'

'Oh' Sylvie replied, taking a step back, her hopes for the evening clearly dashed. 'Guess that's my cue to leave then?'

Alex didn't reply.

'I'll go and get dressed' she continued, her voice sullen.

'Wait, Sylvie'

'Yes' she replied, turning back hopefully.

'Don't forget to leave my t-shirt will you, it's one of my favourites'.

'Oh stick your fucking t-shirt Alex' she said pulling it over her head and throwing it at her, before storming back to the bedroom and slamming the door shut.

Another magical evening completed, Alex thought to herself.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

'I bought wine' Polly said holding up the bottle, 'the good stuff'.

'Well I guess you'd better come in then' Piper laughed.

Polly slowly unpeeled herself from the several layers of clothes she was wearing. 'It's crazy cold out there' she said blowing into her hands to warm them up. 'Where's Larry?'

'At his parents. We went there for dinner. His mom dug out all his old photo albums, so I pretty much bailed as soon as I could.'

'Yea, guess there's only so many pictures of Larry in a diaper you can stomach'.

'Something like that' Piper replied, averting her gaze to the Persian rug which covered the hardwood floor. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the red wine stain in the bottom left corner that she had been responsible for. She'd been out for Polly's birthday and returned home drunk, but, in her inebriated stupor, she had decided that she needed another glass of wine. Larry had tried to wrestle it out of her hand and take her up to bed, but she had shrugged him off and spilt the drink in the process. The rug had been a gift from his grandmother and she was pretty sure that he was still mad at her for damaging it: another black mark against her name.

She took the bottle from Polly, not even bothering with a cursory glance at the label, uncorked it and poured two sizeable glasses.

'Woah, are you trying to get me drunk Pipes?' Polly said, examining the very generous measure of alcohol that had just been handed to her. She took a seat on the couch, tucking her legs underneath her.

'Are you complaining?'

Polly laughed, 'since when do I complain about having too much wine?'

'That's what I thought. Cheers' she said, raising her glass. She took a deep sip and immediately felt a little calmer. She wasn't entirely sure whether that was a good or bad thing, but she was going to roll with it for now.

'Don't suppose you've got any cigarettes?'

'Matter of fact I have' Polly replied, searching around in her bag, 'but they're menthols, Pete reckons they're healthier' she said, rolling her eyes.

'Healthier?'

'Well less bad for you'.

'So they'll take longer to kill you?'

'Something like that'

'Shame' Piper muttered.

'What's up with you Pipes?' Polly said, handing her a cigarette and a lighter, the concern evident in her voice.

She shook her head, 'nothing, just Larry's mother got on my nerves a bit this evening, that's all and my pervert area manager Doug seems to be spending more time at the book shop.'

'Which one's Doug?' Polly asked, trying to recollect Piper's various colleagues.

'I think you've seen him once, when you came to borrow my car. The dude with the greasy slicked back hair and obviously whitened teeth, who also insists on wearing shirts that are a size too small' she replied.

'Ewwwww, you should send Larry to have a quiet word with him'.

Piper laughed as she pictured the scene. Larry preferred to fight his battles behind the safe comfort of words, she doubted whether he'd even thrown a punch in his entire life, let alone been in a fight. The thought would probably have bought him out in hives.

'I can handle it' she said, taking another large gulp of wine, feeling much better now that a warm fuzzy haze was descending on her.

She lit the cigarette took a deep drag and passed it to Polly, just like they used to do at high school. Except now the issues ran deeper than which boy would ask them to the prom or what to wear on a date. Becoming an adult opened up a whole other world of shit; shit that couldn't be cured with a hug or a friendly word of advice.

'So what have you got planned for Larry's birthday next week? Pete has a friend that's a maître de at that new French place up town, the one with the two month waiting list, he reckons he can get us in if you want?'

If Piper was honest, she hadn't given it much thought. The farthest she'd got was thinking about his birthday present and even that had been under duress due to his mother nagging her. It had been two months and yet she still couldn't find any interest in other things. Larry's birthday really was the least of her concerns.

'Sure' she replied smiling, 'why not'.

'Great, I'll let Pete know', Polly replied. She took another drag of the cigarette, tapped off some ash onto a coaster and passed it back to Piper. 'So what have you got him as a gift?'

'A vintage leather jacket'.

Polly almost spat her wine out. 'Larry? A vintage leather jacket? Are you trying to turn him into The Fonz?'

'More, Danny Zucko'

'No offence Pipes, but either way, I'm not sure Larry can pull it off. He's more….'

' J. Crew?'

'Uhuh…not that that's a bad thing….' She added quickly.

Piper took a final drag on the cigarette and stubbed it out in the grate of the fireplace. 'Well, maybe Larry needs a change? Who doesn't once in a while?'

'I guess, as long as you're sure he'll like it' she replied, unconvinced.

'We'll see' Piper said recollecting the little clothes store. 'We'll see'.

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'Hey, Pipes' Larry said, gently waking her from her awkward position on the couch. She rubbed her neck before the stiffness could fully kick in. He kissed her lightly on her cheek, it felt coarse; he needed to shave.

He glanced at the empty wine bottle on the coffee table and the two glasses. 'You had company?'

'Hmmm..yea' she replied still a little hazy from sleep, 'Polly came over'.

'You think it's wise to be drinking so much? Dr Schulman said it probably wasn't the best idea right now.'

She sighed, she really was not in the mood for this. He never wanted to talk about it, not properly. Instead he preferred to make little digs about her one and only coping mechanism, the solitary thing that was helping her not to lose her shit.

'I couldn't give a fuck what Dr Schulman said' she snapped, 'I'm a fucking adult Larry and if I want a drink, I'll damn well have one'. She wanted an argument, a blazing row, maybe that would help to get some of this pent up anger and upset out of her system, but instead, he did what he always did in these situations and just held her. She sunk into his chest, a wave of fatigue suddenly sweeping over her, succumbing to the need to feel loved. 'I'm sorry' she whispered and she meant it. There was no one to blame here, it was just one of those things as her mother had said. It was life. The cruel reality of life.

'I know' he murmured softly into her hair, rocking her ever so slightly. 'It will be ok'. But we're good, right Pipes?'

'Of course we are' she said her eyelids feeling heavy. They had to be.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

'Here' Alex said handing Mia a brown paper bag.

She eyed it suspiciously, 'what's in this, a dog turd?'

'Fine' Alex replied snatching the bag away, 'if you don't like deliciously fresh pain au chocolat, then I'll just eat it myself'. She was only half kidding, the smell that was wafting out of the bag made her regret skipping breakfast.

'No, I was joking' Mia said hurriedly, taking back the food. 'Is this an apology for yesterday?' she grinned.

'Don't push it kid' Alex replied raising an eyebrow.

Mia took a large bite and gave Alex a thumbs up. She was pretty in a boho sort of way; she just had an attitude problem. But then it took one to know one.

'You had your nose pierced?' Alex asked, noticing the small ring.

'I had it done like a month ago' she replied thickly, through a mouthful of pastry, 'women like you to notice this stuff you know, I'll give you some tips some time' she said grinning.

'Do you want to end up with all the other smartarses?' Alex replied.

'Where?'

'Unemployed'.

'You'd never get rid of me' she said, wetting the tip of her index finger with her tongue and picking up flakes of pastry from the paper bag with it.

'You wanna try me?'

'I'm just kidding' she replied, putting her hands up in mock surrender.

'Good, now I need you to find out if that order of tan leather jackets has come in', Alex said, conscious of the fact that her stomach was now rumbling rather loudly.

'Maybe you should have this?' Mia said, offering up the last remaining bite of her pastry and smirking.

'You're only eighteen, how d'you get to be such a pain?'

'Eighteen years of practice?' she shrugged.

Alex couldn't help but laugh, she certainly kept her on her toes, that was for sure. Mia drew her knees up under her chin. Alex could see a rather large ladder in her sheer, black tights and her converse had certainly seen better days, but she guessed it was all part of whatever look it was that Mia thought was fashionable these days.

'Hey, don't get too comfortable' Alex said, tapping the leg of Mia's chair with her foot, 'I told you I need to know if those jackets have come in didn't I?'

'It's too cold to move' she replied sulkily.

'So get going, get that blood flowing through your veins and then you won't notice'

She got up, scraping the chair legs across the floor more noisily than was strictly necessary and pulled the sleeves of her cardigan further down her arm, so that only her fingers were visible. 'Slave driver' she said glancing at Alex with narrowed hazel eyes and mock disgust and trooped off to the stock room.

'Yea and don't forget I'm the slave driver that pays your wages' Alex yelled after her, although how much longer she could continue that for, she wasn't sure. She glanced down at her phone, she'd had a message from her mom: 'call me' it said. She'd been a bad daughter of late, neglecting her, but she wanted to avoid the inevitable questions about how the business was going and if she needed any money to tide her over; not that Diane was loaded, but there was her rainy day fund. The problem was, it was always pouring in Alex's world.

'I've found the tan jackets' Mia yelled from the stock room, 'they came in with the delivery this morning.'

Alex suddenly felt herself break into a smile. She had better call Ms. Chapman.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hello folks, hope you're all good. Many thanks for all your comments so far, please keep leaving your thoughts as they're jolly good to read and create some interesting discussion.**

 **Anyhow, I hope you're enjoying the story thus far. Today's chapter may confuse you a little due to the use of italics, so to clarify, the first two scenes in italics are flash** **backs** **and the italics used in the final scene are for a flash** **forward.** **I hope that makes it clear!**

 **Ok, so there is some Vauseman in this for you, so indulge yourselves!**

 _You light a cigarette, take a swig of cheap hooch and watch the other kids from the vantage point you have at the top of the school playing field. They troop in, laughing and giggling in couples, virtual clones; it's prom night._

 _You can see Elizabeth Hunter, acting all coy around Chad Gregory, when everyone knows they've already gone to third base. You smirk to yourself at how pathetic it is. Kid yourself that you don't care, that for one night it wouldn't be nice to pretend that you're normal; that your mother doesn't have to bust her ass to scrape a living, that your dad isn't some dead beat, washed up rock star that you've never met, that your clothes aren't either too big or too small and that you're actually part of_ _something_ _ **.**_

 _That it wouldn't be great to be anyone other than Alex Vause._

 _The hooch is strong though, it burns as it goes down; a searing trail of pain and soon you don't give a fuck. It feels good sitting outside, the breeze ruffling your hair. But maybe it would be nice to have someone to hold…..even if just for a while._

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Alex stared at Piper Chapman's messily scrawled phone number for the fifth time in as many minutes. So she'd dial it, tell her about the jacket and hang up, after all, what else could there be? She was straight and engaged and all Alex should really have been concerned with was the sale; the cash register wasn't exactly overflowing these days. But even so, there was a nagging feeling at the back of her mind that she couldn't banish. That very feeling that _always_ landed her in trouble and at this precise moment, she could feel it bubbling to the surface.

She drummed her fingers on the counter top, the beat of The Clash keeping her company. Pick up the phone. Dial. That was literally all she had to do and yet she was virtually rendered numb.

'What are you staring at?' Mia asked, popping up behind her.

'Fuck, Mia! Didn't your parents ever teach you not to creep up on people?' Alex said, trying to catch her breath.

'People usually only react like that when they have something to hide' she said, glancing at Alex warily.

'As if I could hide anything from a little sneak like you, now I'm sure you have plenty you need to be doing, so get on with it. I need to call this customer about an order' she replied dismissively.

'Actually, it's my lunch break' Mia said, examining her chipped nail varnish.

'Fine, go and stuff a bagel in that over sized mouth of yours or something' Alex said, waving her out.

Mia pulled on her coat and scarf hurriedly, as if she was worried Alex would change her mind, 'see you soon' she said, half way out of the building already.

'You only get forty minutes!' Alex yelled after her, watching the door slam shut.

She glanced down at the number once again, trying to decipher the person that had written it. She'd looked like you're average WASP. She probably had a solid GPA through high school, went to a better than average college and was engaged to a wall-street trader or some other soulless ass hole. But there was something about those eyes….

Shaking her head at her own stupid thought process, she finally snatched up the receiver and dialed. Each ring seemed to last an eternity and then it finally clicked to answerphone. The voice was cheery and light, breezier than she remembered. Alex left a hurried message explaining the jackets were now in stock and and hung up. She felt like a jackass, getting flustered over a complete stranger; a customer. 'You're nuts' she muttered to herself, before being disturbed by a gust of cold air as the shop door was opened. It was Sylvie.

'Hey stranger' she said beaming. She was wearing tight leather trousers, that left literally nothing to the imagination, killer heels and a fitted jacket. It wasn't exactly the most appropriate outfit considering the cold snap, but then Alex had guessed that Sylvie's priority was not to avoid frostbite.

'Hey' she replied flatly. No good could come out this. She was sure of it.

She walked around the counter and pulled Alex into a rough kiss, hitting the corner of her mouth. Her lips were warm and soft: tempting her.

'Steady there' Alex said, a little flustered at being caught off guard. 'I'm at work'.

'There's no one around, why don't you put the closed sign up for a little while and we can go out back?' She ran her index finger along Alex's inner thigh as if to emphasise the point.

Ordinarily, Alex wouldn't have needed to be asked twice and she quite liked the idea of a quick lunchtime fuck and then maybe a burrito, but things with Sylvie were getting a little out of control and she was pretty certain that in Sylvie's head at least, they were in some sort of relationship.

'I think we need to talk' she said, pulling away.

'There's plenty of time to talk, I just want to make you cum' Sylvie said removing her jacket to reveal a blue silk top with a plunging neckline. Alex's eyes couldn't help but trace it. 'Like what you see, huh?' Sylvie grinned, 'Well come and get it' she said, disappearing into the office.

Alex glanced at the wall clock, she had about half an hour before Mia returned. She put the latch on the front door, flipped the shop sign to closed and made her way into the office. Sylvie was straddling her chair. Naked.

Sometimes talk was overrated.

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 _The wall behind Dr Kumar's desk was stained. About mid way up, on the left hand side, a crimson blotch was visible, about the size of a Nickel. If Piper looked hard enough, it almost seemed as if it was moving. The intensity with which she was staring at the blemish began to hurt her eyes. She drew them away, instead taking Larry's hand. It felt clammy and unfamiliar. He turned and smiled at her; tired and forced. He was avoiding looking at it; the bump, the bump they had cherished for the last seven months, the bump they had both sung to and read to, the bump which was home to their baby girl. Snapshots filtered though her mind. She was lying on the couch, Larry with his head right next to her swollen belly as he gently sang a Yiddish lullaby that he recollected from childhood sleepovers at his Bubbi's. His voice was terrible, but in that moment, Piper had never seen him look happier._

' _She's gonna be an angel, right?' he said, looking up at her, grinning boyishly._

' _Maybe, if she takes after me'_

' _No way, I'm the only hope she's got, if she's anything like you, she'll be trouble from the get go'._

' _Hey, now that's not fair'_

' _But it's true right?'_

' _Well let's just hope she gets my nose…and my hair…and..'_

' _You just want a mini version of yourself'_

' _Would that be a problem?' she grinned._

' _Only when she gets older and has a shit ton of boys chasing after her'_

' _Hey, if she's got any Chapman genes, she'll be able to handle them no worries' she laughed._

' _She'll be perfect no matter what' he said smiling._

 _That all seemed like a lifetime ago and now, they were sat in a sterile hospital room, awaiting the news that neither of them wanted to hear, but the news that would be delivered all the same._

 _The door opened, signifying Dr Kumar's return. He cradled a manila envelope close to his chest and smiled at them awkwardly as he took his seat at the desk. He placed the envelope down gently, glancing at it nervously. He cleared his throat. This couldn't be much fun for him either Piper thought._

' _I'm sorry to have kept you' he began, his hands folded in front of him. 'I had to discuss the test results.' He paused, eyeing them both carefully, 'but i'm afraid it is as we suspected, the baby has no heartbeat and as such, we will need to operate as soon possible to remove it'._

' _Her' Piper said, staring blankly ahead._

' _Sorry?' Dr Kumar replied._

' _The baby, it was a girl'_

' _I'm so sorry, yes.'_

' _What…what caused it?' Larry asked, his voice cracking._

' _The umbilical cord had become twisted around…her….and caused the baby's breathing to become restricted….'_

 _She could feel Larry squeezing her hand, could hear him muttering soothing words, trying to stifle his own sobs, but where were the screams coming from? Those horrid, piercing primal howls. Who did they belong to? And then she realised; they were hers._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Alex took a bite of her burrito, watching a dollop of sour cream fall unappetizingly into the wrapper. She tossed the remainder of it in to the trash.

'You not hungry?' Sylive asked.

'Something like that' Alex mumbled, knowing full well that she really couldn't put the conversation off any longer than she already had. She wiped her hands on the cheap, non-absorbent napkins they handed out at the Mexican place and perched on the edge of her desk next to Sylvie. 'Look, I don't know how to say this, but….'

'You don't like burritos?' Sylvie laughed.

'Errm, no….' she replied, desperately thinking of the best way to approach the situation. 'Thing is Sylvie, I don't want a girlfriend, I'm not looking for anything long term, do you know what I mean?'

Sylvie dropped her food onto the paper wrapper. 'Yes I know that Alex, I'm not stupid and boy have you got tickets on yourself'.

'Huh?

'Carrying on like I'm some love struck teenager that can't function without you returning my undying love, well guess what, I'm not. We fuck, we have fun and I'm fine with that. Ok?

Alex was momentarily silenced by Sylvie's blunt statement. 'So we're cool?'

'Yes, we're cool' she said rolling her eyes and collecting her jacket. 'Now I have to get back to work, so maybe I'll speak to you later', she said, kissing Alex on the lips.

'Bye' Alex mumbled, still reeling from the shock as she watched her depart.

'Well, that told you didn't it' Mia said standing in the doorway, holding a stack of paperwork in her arms.

'Were you listening?' Alex asked, mildly embarrassed.

'She's got a voice like a goddamn foghorn, it's a bit hard not to. And for the record, she's lying, she totally wants your babies' she grinned.

'Fuck you'

'She does; little dark haired, green eyed, freakishly tall, Vause babies'

'Yea? And I assume you want your pay cheque, so you better get back to the filing I asked you to do earlier this morning.

Mia sighed, dragging her feet as she dumped the papers onto Alex's desk. 'Fine'.

'If you need anything, I'll be out the front' she said, making her way back to the counter.

Well that could have gone a whole lot worse Alex thought to herself, hoping that Mia wasn't right and that Sylvie hadn't simply been bluffing. However it felt like a weight had been lifted from her mind and she kinda regretted binning off the rest of burrito as her hunger seemed to return with a vengeance. However her attention was quickly deserted by the arrival of a customer. She glanced up, hoping it would mean a sale and found herself looking straight into those spectacular blue eyes. It was Piper Chapman.

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'Hey' she said, regarding Alex's face strangely.

She looked gorgeous, her golden hair framing her face perfectly, wrapped up all snug in her coat, skinny jeans hugging her curves in all the right places.

'Hey' Alex replied, a little flustered by the unexpected visit.

'Thanks for your message about the jacket' she continued, still looking at Alex oddly. 'Errmmm….you've got a little something on your face'.

'Oh shit, really' Alex replied, hurriedly running a hand over her a mouth. This was so not cool. In fact this was the polar opposite of cool. This was looking like a total jackass. This was karma for Sylvie.

'Nope, you still haven't got it' she said laughing, as if Alex was some adorable little toddler. 'Hold on, excuse my fingers' she said as she lightly brushed them near Alex's mouth. Her fingertips were cold, but her touch was exactly how Alex had imagined it to be. Feather soft and delicious.

'There you go, all done' she replied, her eyes shimmering in the raw neon strip lighting of the store.

'Burrito' Alex mumbled by way of explanation, 'thanks'.

'It's the least I could do for someone who is about to save my skin'.

'Sorry?'

'With my fiancés birthday present?'

'Sure' Alex replied smiling. She couldn't help but glance down at Piper's hand at the mention of fiancé, something she hadn't done on her initial visit. Sure enough, there was a distinct absence of an engagement ring.

Interesting.

'So do you know what size he is?' Alex asked, leading her over to the rail where the jackets were displayed.

'Medium I guess?' Piper replied, pulling one off the hanger and trying to imagine Larry in it. She sighed, Polly was right, there was no way he could pull it off, it was a stupid idea.

'You don't like it?' Alex asked, noticing the unimpressed look on her face.

'No it's not that, the jacket's great' she said touching Alex's arm, 'it's just that my fiancé is more…..'

'more…?'

'Well let's just say, he may lack the edge he needs to carry it off. He's a writer' she added, as if that explained everything.

'Cool. What does he write?' Alex replied. She didn't give a shit what the asshole fiancé did, literally could not give a flying fuck, but if it kept Piper in the shop for longer, then it was fine by her. Besides which, the way she had come out with it was as if she was trying too hard, trying to prove something about him.

'Articles mainly…..well he would do, if he could get hired' she replied, playing with a stray lock of hair. Her eyes glanced towards the cabinet of watches. 'Oh wow, are these vintage too?'

'Sure are, you wanna take a look?'

Piper shook her head, 'no, I don't think it would be to his taste either to be honest' she paused, 'I'm sorry, you must think I've just come in here to waste your time'.

'Hey no worries, you've got to make sure you get him the perfect gift right?' her heart sinking at the thought that she was about to leave at any second.

'I'd better head back to work', I'm on my break, but it was nice meet you again….'

'Alex'

'Alex' she repeated lingeringly. She opened the door to leave, letting a blast of icy air in. 'Bye then'

'Bye'

'Oh and Alex' she replied, turning back to face her, 'watch out for those burritos, they're awfully messy' she laughed, causing Alex's stomach to do a somersault.

There was no doubt about it. She needed to know more about this woman. And soon.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Alex is late, she's over half an hour fucking late and she knows Piper's probably going to be mad, but really, she's lucky that she's turning up at all. She has no desire to meet Piper's friend, none whatsoever, especially when she knows how openly disapproving she is of their relationship. Like she has any room to judge, not when she was fooling around with her college professor. But that's the problem with girls like her; they come with a whole heap of double standards._

 _She pulls into the parking lot, her Cutlass shuddering to a halt. It's been making sickly noises for over a week but as with most things in Alex's life, she's having to make do, because she just doesn't have the money to deal with the problem right now._

 _The place is crowded and noisy. All clean lines and assholes propping up the bar. Trust fund babies. Alex immediately feels out of place, but not because she thinks they are better than her, fuck no, it's because they are all vacuous morons and she cannot believe that Piper would choose to hang out in a place like this. They never do when they are together. On the evenings they've been stealing with each other, they usually grab a take out and eat it at Alex's apartment, watching black and white films or re-runs of M.A.S.H. followed by long, leisurely sex, which always makes Piper late. But Alex kinda likes that._

 _When they do go to a bar, it's normally the sort that shows sport on a dingy TV, but serves good beer and sliders. And Piper never complains. Alex is pretty sure she likes it, because there's no pretense, not like in her other life, the life that Alex chooses not to dwell on, because it makes her realise what a monumental mess this all is._

 _She spots them in a corner booth. A bottle of Champagne sits in the centre of the table, nestling in a bucket of ice and Alex is already wishing to fuck she'd gone with her gut instinct and stayed at home. Piper waves her over. She looks so happy to see her. The smile is a genuine one, hitting her eyes in a way that makes Alex's heart flip._

 _'Hey Al, you're finally here' she says, getting up to hug her. She doesn't seem mad, which is good, she also doesn't kiss her and this jars with Alex immediately, she's tempering her behaviour due to Polly's presence._

 _'This is Polly' she says, gesturing to the friend that Alex has heard endless tales about over the last few months. She looks pinched and unnatural, like she's fighting the urge to say what she really thinks, instead pulling her mouth into a thin lipped smile._

 _'Hi' she says, 'I've heard so much about you'. No real emotion, no real nothing. Just cold, hard eyes; blaming her for fucking up Piper's life._

 _Alex knows why Piper is doing this, she wants Polly's approval. She wants her to understand why she's got herself into this mess. Why Alex is worth it. But one look at Polly tells her that Piper isn't going to get what she wants, not by a long shot._

 _Polly's eyeing her suspiciously, like any moment she expects her to spontaneously combust or something and Alex kinda wishes she could._

 _'Hey' Alex replies, as evenly as she can, ignoring the blood pounding in her head._

 _'You're late' Piper admonishes lightly, linking her arm with hers. But it feels forced._

 _'Yea, sorry. Work...'_

 _'Oh that's right, you work in a clothes store don't you' Polly says, taking a sip of her drink. Alex watches the bubbles rise to the surface of the glass and burst into nothing._

 _'She owns the store Poll, it's really cool vintage stuff, right Al?'_

 _Alex just nods. She needs a beer and a cigarette, but she can't leave yet, not when she just got here and she doubts the beer is up to much in this place._

 _'I always thought Vintage was just a word to make old stuff more saleable' Polly smiles. She says it like she's making a little joke, like they're all pals and she can do that. But they're not and her eyes are telling Alex she was making a dig. A bitchy fucking dig._

 _'No, it's really great stuff, tell her Al' Piper says, her eyes pleading a little, wanting Alex to make out she's good at something, that what she does is actually worthwhile in even a tiny way. But Alex couldn't give a rat's ass what Polly thinks about her. So she just shrugs instead._

 _Polly grins, victorious and excuses herself to use the restroom._

 _'What's up with you?' Piper asks as soon as her friend is out of earshot. 'First you turn up late and now you're barely saying a word'_

 _'She doesn't like me' Alex replies bluntly 'and the feeling's mutual'._

 _'Fuck's sake Alex, would it kill you to make an effort for me?!' She snaps._

 _'She blames me...for all of it'_

 _Piper shakes her head. 'She doesn't, she knows Larry and I are having problems, why I'm going to end it'_

 _'Yea, but I'm pretty sure she reckons I made those problems a whole lot worse'_

 _'This is all in your head Al, honestly. Polly is nice, give her a chance please, you'll like her, I promise'. She kisses Alex chastely on the lips and this annoys Alex more than the non-kiss, because it feels so goddamn phony, not like when it's just the two of them. 'Please?' She repeats, linking her fingers with Alex's, 'just half an hour more and we can leave, ok?'_

 _Alex nods reluctantly._

 _'You should have some champagne' Piper says, pouring her a glass, it's really good'_

 _'You trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?' Alex grins, relaxing a little._

 _'You actively encourage me taking advantage of you, drunk or not' Piper replies, handing her the glass. 'Hey, guess what?' she whispers into Alex's ear, soft and warm._

 _'What?'_

 _'I love you'_

 _Alex suddenly feels her heart swell. It's caught her off guard, but in a good way and she's just about to say it back, but then Polly returns and the words are left hanging in the air. She'll save it for later she promises herself._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Chapter time! As it's the weekend, I had time to do another, so enjoy and please leave your thoughts: good, bad or ugly. For the purposes of this chapter, italics represent a flash** **forward.**

 _They're lying in bed in Alex's tiny apartment, like they do every Wednesday afternoon, Alex trusting the shop to Mia. Piper is nestled into her and they're listening to the wind and rain rattling the rickety old windows. Alex can feel a draught on her bare shoulder, but she doesn't want to move, doesn't want to spoil the moment, because right now, this is as damn near perfect as anything she can remember in her whole life._

' _Where d'ya learn to kiss like that?' she turns to ask Piper, her tongue tracing the slight stinging of her bottom lip, where minutes ago Piper had nipped her. 'Good girls don't kiss like that'._

' _Who said I was a good girl?'_

' _That's a fair point kid, I'm pretty sure what we just did, is banned in around twenty states.'_

' _Breaking the rules makes everything more fun, doesn't it?'_

 _Alex laughs, 'What rules have you ever broken?'_

' _Errmmm…..ok, well in high school, I had taken some books out from the library over the summer and forgot to return them and then Cal lost them and I never paid the fine…'_

 _She's so fucking cute, so fucking naïve, but it makes Alex love her all the more._

' _So there are people after you, you're on the run?'_

' _Fuck you' she says playfully hitting Alex on the arm._

' _What? It's sexy being in bed with a fugitive' she laughs. She holds her a little closer, inhaling her scent, all honeyed and new and she knows it's only a matter of time before she says the words that are delivered around this time every Wednesday, the words that don't hurt any less each time they're spoken._

' _I better go Al I've got to meet Lar…'_

 _She doesn't let her finish the sentence, stopping it with a kiss, not because she's heard it all before, it's just that she cannot fucking stand to hear his name coming from her lips._

 _On Wednesday's she only works half a day at the bookstore, so she meets him late afternoon, like she has been doing since before she knew Alex even existed. And she knows she doesn't have any right to be mad, she isn't the one being cheated on, but even so, it doesn't make it any easier to stomach._

 _She's all wide-eyed and rosy cheeked as she kisses Alex back, long and hard, her fingers tracing her collarbone. Alex moves her hand to cup Piper's breast and she lets out a gentle murmur, but then softly removes it and shakes her head. 'I'm sorry Al, we can't, I don't have enough time, I really_ _have_ _got to go'._

' _Go then' Alex says grinning, biting back what she really wants to say._

' _You kind of have to remove your arms from around me so that I can move' she laughs._

' _If you can't escape, you don't get to leave' Alex says, kissing her neck, 'those are the rules'_

' _Play fair' she pouts._

 _Alex loosens her grip and watches her get up from the bed and begin getting dressed. Her eyes linger over every inch of her, committing it to memory. Her hair is ruffled and messy, her eye make up a little smudged, but she's still stunning and Alex cannot bring herself to look away._

 _She pulls on her jumper and crawls back across the bed to Alex, so they are face to face. 'You ok?' she asks, her breath hot and sweet._

 _Alex nods, still holding back what she really wants to say, there's no point in it. So instead, she looks at the discarded copy of Charlotte's Web on the floor, the corner of the page turned to save her place. She's been reading it to Piper for the last few weeks. The book reminds her of her childhood, of Cal and of Danny, when 'things were simpler' she says. Alex never asks her exactly what she means by that, she's pretty sure she wouldn't like the answer anyway._

' _I'll call you later?' she offers, gently brushing her nose against Alex's._

 _Alex smiles, 'you'd better get a move on, it's 3.30 already' she says, glancing at the bedside clock._

' _Shit' Piper says, quickly grabbing her coat and bag from where they have been discarded on the floor._

 _Sometimes Alex wishes she could freeze those moments when Piper has arrived at her apartment and they are leaving a messy trail to the bedroom. When they know they have a whole three hours stretched before them and the anticipation and excitement create a delicious euphoria. That is the feeling she wants to retain, right within the depths of her brain. Not what she is feeling right now. Not this; definitely not this._

 _She leans across the bed to give Alex a departing kiss, but it's clumsy and now the mood has shifted, the air thick with dread._

' _See you soon' she smiles, making her way out of the door and towards the landing._

' _See you' Alex replies. It isn't until she hears the latch on the front door click that she whispers the words she's been holding back, what she really wants to tell her, but can never quite manage to bring to her lips: 'I hate it when you leave'._

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Mia sat on the counter top, blowing bubbles out of gum and swinging her legs to the Doors music playing in the background.

'I'm pretty sure this isn't what I pay you for' Alex said re-arranging wrist- watches in the display cabinet.

'Life sucks doesn't it?' Mia said, completely ignoring Alex's statement. Her bottom lip was protruding ever so slightly, making her look younger than she was.

'Come on then, spill' Alex replied, locking the cabinet and turning to face her.

'What do you mean?'

'Well obviously something's up, your face looks even more miserable than normal.'

'So what's your excuse then?'

'That I have to work with you. Now quit being a brat and tell me what's wrong, otherwise there are a pile of t-shirts in the stock room that need to be packed and shipped.'

She sighed, in the way that only teenagers could, as if they had the whole weight of the world on their shoulders. 'It's Raphael'.

'The ninja turtle or the painter?' Alex grinned.

'The guy I was seeing' she replied, looking decidedly unimpressed at Alex's attempt at humour. She wrapped her arms around herself as if she was cold.

' _Was_ seeing?'

She nodded. 'Apparently he needs to be alone to be able to discover himself right now'.

He's fucking someone else Alex thought.

'Sounds like a douche' she replied instead.

'No, he's not, that's the problem. He's so smart, I mean real smart, he knows about art and literature and stuff, not like the others, because he's older.'

'Older?'

'Yea, he's 21'.

In the grand scheme of things, this was a trivial problem, probably one of _the_ most trivial problems that Mia would face in her adult life, but Alex knew that being a teenager meant that everything was intensified ten fold.

Her own adolescent years were less than perfect. She was gawky and insecure and got in with the wrong crowd, largely to try and cultivate some sort of image- something that would allow her to fit in. Then came the flirtation with drugs and Diane's yelling and pleading and nights spent crashing on the couch of a 'friend'. So falling for a 21-year-old dirt bag was small fry in comparison to that. But the teenage heart was a fragile thing and Alex had sympathy for that at least.

'Hot chocolate? My shout?' she said, 'and then you can tell me all about it'.

'But what about the shop?' Mia replied, immediately brightening up.

'Look around kid, does it look like we're rushed off our feet?'

Mia jumped down from her seat. 'You know something, maybe you're not so bad after all?' She smiled toothily, so her slightly crooked bottom teeth were visible.

'Shhh' Alex said putting a finger to her lips, 'don't tell anyone'.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

'So what you're saying is that I should ignore him?' Mia said, in between large mouthfuls of carrot cake.

'Yup' Alex replied flatly.

'That isn't advice'

'Why isn't it?'

'It's just telling me not to do anything. Like if you asked me what to do about ole foghorn and I said ignore her, that wouldn't solve the problem would it?'

'Why would I ask you for advice about that?' Alex said taking a sip of coffee, it was the chain stuff, but it was where Mia had wanted to go, so she was having to make do.

'Well you sure as hell needs someone's advice about her. Anyone in their right mind can see that she is a grade A bunny boiler', she said, licking a large blob of cream cheese frosting from her finger.

'No she isn't, stop exaggerating'.

'No offence, but clearly you aren't very good at reading the signals. Anyway, you'll be pushing thirty soon, don't you want to settle down, find yourself a nice little housewife?' she laughed.

'This wasn't supposed to be about me, so if you're feeling better, we should head back to the shop.'

'I was just saying' Mia replied, scraping her fork across the plate for some cake crumbs. 'But don't worry' she continued, placing a hand on Alex's shoulder, 'there's someone out there for everyone…even you Al' she smirked.

'Isn't it a bit late for lunch?' a voice said interrupting them. Alex looked round hoping it was who she thought and sure enough, there she was. The perfect ten.

'Oh hey' Alex replied, 'I was just trying to cheer this one up' she said pointing towards Mia who was glancing at Piper suspiciously.

'I'm her daughter' Mia said grinning.

'Your…daughter?' Piper replied, her eyes widening a little.

'Yea, gym slip mother and all that' Mia continued.

'Mia!' Alex snapped, 'can you get back to the store please?'

'Ok mom' she said, winking as she made her way out of the door.

'I'm sorry about that and no, she isn't my daughter, she's probably more hassle than having my own kid would be though'.

Piper laughed. 'Well, she certainly seems like a live wire, that's for sure, but anyhow, I'm glad I ran into you because I wanted to apologise again for wasting your time the other day'.

'Hey, don't worry about it' Alex replied, desperately fighting the urge to ask her out. She couldn't, she shouldn't she was straight and engaged. She had to stick to the safe approach, after all, that was the right thing to do. 'So how come you're round this way?'

'Oh, I manage the bookstore up the road'

'You do? I go there all the time' Alex lied. She actively avoided bookshops, unless they were of the used variety. She much preferred second hand books. She liked the idea that someone before her had read and loved the book like she had and there was something comforting about the slightly yellowing pages that they often came with. There was no character in a new book, none at all.

'Do you? I've never seen you, I'm pretty sure I would remember someone like you if I had' she smiled.

Was she flirting?

'Yea I do. Matter of fact it's my mom's birthday soon, she wanted the new…errr…John Grisham book'

'John Grisham? I don't think he's released a book this year' she said, looking a little puzzled.

'Well, you know, whatever his last book was, she's a huge fan. So maybe I'll swing by tomorrow some time?' This was fine, after all, it wasn't like she was asking her out. Maybe they could be friends. Bosom buddies…..

'Great, I'll make sure I look out for you. Come say hi' she replied smiling. 'I better get going, see you soon Alex'

You betcha Alex thought.

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Alex climbs the three flights of stairs to her mother's apartment. Each floor has a different smell. Weed is most prevalent on the first and she has to dodge the discarded, stained mattress that's been placed near the stairwell to make her way up to the next floor.

The strong smell of spices hits her on the second and she can hear snatches of a heated argument coming from behind one of the apartment doors, quickly followed by a loud thudding sound. None of these things alarm, why should they? She grew up in and out of apartment blocks like this, some of them even worse, so there's no way she's going to start getting precious about it.

But she hates that Diane has to live here, that she has to double bolt the door, that she doesn't know her neighbours because they are changing so frequently, depending on who has got evicted; that the elevator is always broken, that she has to dodge the kids huddled in corners drinking, smoking weed and hurling abuse. But there is no way out that Alex can presently offer her; but she's working on it.

She hits level three and the aroma is a little more pleasant, well, as pleasant as the smell of cleaning detergent can be, until she finally reaches Diane's floor and raps on her front door firmly. She's clutching a bunch of flowers, they look like they've seen better days, but the florist was just about to close when she got there and this was the best they had to offer. Diane won't mind though, she'll just be grateful to see her.

The door swings open and her mother is beaming at her. Her hair has been messily swept up into a bun and she looks tired, like she's lost weight, but it doesn't stop her from pulling Alex into a tight hug, as if she never wants to let her go again.

'I was beginning to forget what you looked like' she says, closing the door behind them. 'You want coffee? Something to eat?'

'Coffee would be good' she replies, handing her the flowers and following her mother into the small kitchen.

'You don't need to waste your money on me honey' Diane says, regarding them a little strangely. In the bright light of the kitchen, they do look even more limp and sorry for themselves.

'But it's a lovely thought' she says, placing them by the sink. 'So you've been busy?' she says, putting the percolator on.

Alex nods. She doesn't want to burden Diane with the truth; that she feels guilty whenever she sees where Diane lives, especially as she's in no position to help her, not when her own life is such a mess. So busy is a good enough excuse for now.

'How's the library?' she asks her mom, quickly changing the subject, 'you still enjoying working there?'

'Yea it's great' she replies, sliding a box of cookies on to a yellow plate with large daises printed on it. Alex remembers that plate from when she was growing up. It evokes images of rainy days, playing card games and scrabble with Diane and eating tuna melts or hot dogs: of laughter and love. In those afternoons, she could forget they were poor, that her shoes leaked or that she didn't have any real friends. It didn't seem to matter. She smiles at the thought.

'What are you grinning at?' Diane asks, looking at her quizzically.

'Just scrabble' Alex says smiling.

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 _Piper is drunk. She's sitting on Alex's lap, her arms wrapped around her neck, whispering into her ear. She's telling her, in great detail, about the underwear she's got on and what she has in store for Alex later. She's giggling a little, but it's still turning Alex on, especially as she leans in slightly further and gently licks the bottom of Alex's earlobe. Her hand is making a lazy trail up Alex's inner thigh and now a couple of girl's, twenty something's, clearly waiting for their boyfriends, are watching them surreptitiously, except they aren't doing a very good job of being discreet as Alex has spotted them. She shoots them a grin and they look away hurriedly, busying themselves with their drinks._

 _Tonight Alex is feeling amazingly fucking great and that's because Piper gets to spend the night. Larry is away on some freelance assignment so that sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, that she gets when Piper normally has to leave, can be delayed for another day. It's crazy that the thought makes her so deliriously happy but she has to make the most of it whilst she can, until this mess is sorted out once and for all. It won't be long now, Piper has promised, but 'it's complicated'. Alex hates that word, always has. Like when she asked her mother what happened to her father, that was 'complicated' or when she wanted an explanation as to why they were constantly moving apartments, it was also 'complicated'._

' _Let's get some more Tequila' Piper says._

' _I think you may have had enough for tonight kid' Alex smiles, gently brushing her blonde hair away from her face._

 _She shakes her head, 'no, I'm having fun'_

' _Ok, I'll get you another drink on one condition'_

' _What's that?' she asks grinning goofily; so damn fucking adorable._

' _You can tell me how many fingers I'm holding up' she says, stretching her palm out as if she is about to high five someone._

' _Too easy. Four. So, another Tequila please' she says, holding her empty glass out._

' _Nope, five' Alex replies matter of factly._

' _No, a thumb is not a finger…and I'm the one that supposed to drunk?' she laughs._

' _You're squirming out of this on a technicality'_

' _On a thumb, a very nice thumb, but a thumb all the same'_

 _Alex shakes her head, she has her over a barrel and there's nothing she can do about it. Piper takes her hand and runs her fingers lightly across her palm. It tickles a little, making Alex fidget slightly._

' _You know, I can read palms' Piper says, holding her gaze._

' _Oh really?'_

' _Sure'_

' _So what is my palm telling you about me?'_

' _Ok' Piper says, shuffling a little in Alex's lap 'you've got very long lines'_

' _What does that mean?' Alex replies, furrowing her brow a touch, suddenly interested, despite her better judgment._

' _Errr….that you have big hands?'_

 _Alex laughs. 'So you don't actually know how to read palms at all?'_

' _Maybe' Piper concedes, 'but I do know I like these fingers' she says, entwining her own with Alex's._

' _You'll like them even more later' Alex smirks._

' _You still owe me a drink though, don't think I've forgotten'._

 _She kisses Alex lightly on the lips, but then pulls back too quickly, teasing her, but it works as it leaves Alex wanting more. Her hand slides under Piper's top, gently grazing her peachy flesh, her finger trailing the top of the new lace underwear that Piper is wearing. She sees the change it elicits in Piper's breathing and loves the fact that she has the power to do that. Piper closes her eyes momentarily and moans softly, and now it's her turn to be teased, so instead of taking it further, Alex slides out of her seat to get more drinks._

' _Hey, not fair!' Piper says, clearly flustered._

' _Let's call it payback she grins'. But already her mind it wandering, to precisely what she is going to do to Piper when they get back to the apartment and how she is going to savour every goddamn single second. She can't fucking wait. Alex gets two more tequilas and Piper knocks hers back within seconds._

' _Woah, somebody's thirsty' Alex replies as she's barely put her lips to her own glass._

' _Yea I am, but not for tequila'. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are bright, tinged with the promise of something. 'Shall we check out the rest room?'_

' _I didn't think good girls suggested things like that' she replies, raising an eyebrow._

' _I've told you before' Piper whispers, 'I'm_ _not_ _a good girl'._

 _She tugs at Alex's hand, her impatience getting the better of her, but Alex doesn't need to be asked twice. She gulps down the burning shot and follows her to the restroom, a big, stupid grin plastered on her face; this is just the beginning._


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Chapter alert! So I'm out tomorrow evening and I doubt I'll be able to write/add anything much, so I've prepared an extra one for you this weekend. I hope you enjoy it and please note, italics represent a flash** **forward.**

 **As ever, I'd be grateful for your thoughts and comments.**

 **Enjoy!**

Piper unscrewed the jar of organic peanut butter- it was empty.

'Larry, how many times I have told you to throw stuff away once it's finished, not just stick it back in the cupboard for me to find!' she snapped.

Larry looked up from his newspaper, his mouth stuffed full of toast, 'huh?'

She held up the empty jar.

'Oh yea, we need more' he mumbled, before returning to the paper.

'Well maybe you should have told me that yesterday?'

'What's the big deal?' he replied, not bothering to look up from his reading this time, 'or is this some sort of peanut butter emergency? Just have some eggs or something.'

Piper slammed the jar on the counter top. 'I'm going to work' she replied, grabbing her coat from back of the dining chair. 'See you later.'

'Wait a second Pipes' Larry said, getting up hurriedly, dusting toast crumbs from his trousers, 'don't forget you have an appointment with Dr Schulman today'

'I hadn't forgotten' she replied, failing to make eye contact with him. She didn't need him managing her life like this. 'Are you actually going to bother coming with me this time?'

'Hey, that's not fair' he said, obviously wounded by the remark, 'You know this is hard for me too and we established the first couple of times that I _did_ go with you, it was making things worse for me'.

'Yea, god forbid things get worse for _you'_.

He sighed deeply 'Pipes come on, don't be like this, it's been a rough ride for both of us'.

'So why do I feel like I'm doing this by myself then?' she was holding his gaze now and although she had looked at that face countless times over the years, it seemed unfamiliar somehow, the lines harder, like he was closed off to her in some way, or maybe she just didn't understand him any more?

'Why don't you take Polly?'

'Polly?'

'Yea, she's your best friend isn't she?'

'Yea and you're my fucking fiancé Larry, so why don't you try acting like it for once'. She said fiancé like it was a dirty word, something she didn't want any association with.

'Piper' he replied, softer now, 'please don't be like this'. He pulled her close, but she couldn't relax, instead feeling stiff and awkward in his embrace: trapped. He kissed the top of her head lightly. 'We _will_ get through this, it's just going to take a little time that's all.'

She kept being told by everyone that it was _time_ that would help, _time_ was a great healer, but she couldn't fit her feelings into such a neat little cliché. _Time_ was passing by, that much was certain, but the feelings of pain and loss were not subsiding and she was sick of having to be the strong one.

One evening, feeling like she was sinking under the weight of it all- moored by grief and agony, she had built up the courage to tell Larry how she really felt. So, spurred on by Dutch courage, she slowly climbed the stairs up to their room with a newfound sense of determination, only to have it dashed, in one brutal motion.

He was sitting on the floor, his back against the wardrobe, crying; great heaving, shuddering sobs like those of a small boy, a scan of their little girl hanging limply from his left hand. She'd held him, told him everything was going to be ok, when she had no clue if it would or not and he'd clung to her like a life raft, telling Piper that he couldn't cope without her, that she was the only thing keeping him together. She could still remember the dampness of his tears on her shoulder: staining her being. It was in that moment she knew, she was always going to have to be the strong one and now she fucking resented it.

He held her face in his hands, 'I love you so much'.

She smiled back at him, unable to say the words he wanted to hear and wondering when love had been replaced by obligation and bitterness. 'I know you do. I better go, I'm getting late for work' she replied, freeing herself from him. 'I'll see you later' she didn't wait for a reply as she hurried out of the door, her spirit immediately feeling lifted as she left the house. Today could only get better.

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The walk to work was long, cold and wet, but Piper was grateful of the time that it gave her to think, especially after her conversation with Larry that morning. Soggy fall leaves slid under feet, as the rain ricocheted off her umbrella. Buses rattled by, lightly spraying her with water from murky puddles, but she was too lost in a train of thought to care. Could she feasibly end her relationship with Larry? How much of this was grief talking and how much was just the stark realisation that she had fallen out of love with him? That she found herself actively looking for reasons to avoid having sex with him should have been an alarm bell in itself. It had been over two months since she had lost the baby and they hadn't done anything. Larry had tried several times and she'd brushed him off, complaining of being tired. She assumed he thought she was still struggling with the grief and whilst that was part of it, the simple truth was that she could no longer bear the thought of being intimate with him.

The baby had not been planned and in the beginning, Larry was very reluctant for Piper to continue with the pregnancy, but after a month or so, he was soon on board and sometimes, he seemed more excited than she was. But even before the pregnancy, the warning signs had been there.

They had been spending less and less time together and Piper was getting increasingly frustrated at Larry's lack of drive to cement a career, instead, waiting for writing jobs that did not exist or that no one would hire him for. So he became even more reliant on not just his parents, but her. She would often come home from work to find him sitting in the exact same position on the couch where she had left him in the morning, playing a video game or watching a film.

Spending time in each other's company became more of a chore. They seemed to stop laughing at the same things, instead making snide little digs at each other and Piper found herself struggling to remember exactly what it was she had fallen in love with. But then she had become pregnant and for a while at least, it seemed to act as magic glue and she found herself smiling more and planning to do things together, until it all vanished overnight and now here she was, back to square one.

Her mother never tired of telling her that relationships weren't like the fairytales and that they required hard work and compromise; but then her mother wasn't exactly an expert on such things. Even so, she couldn't rid herself of the guilt when she considered ending things with him, after all, he had made it so clear that he needed her, especially since they had lost the baby; their little girl.

She glanced down at her watch, she was early, so she bought a cup of coffee at the quaint little place on the corner that had comfy leather chairs and a bookcase with yellowing paperbacks, that no one ever read. She took a seat by the window, watching the dank day unfurl.

'We need to stop meeting like this' came a familiar rasp. It was Alex.

Piper hadn't fully realised just how striking her green eyes were, but they made her already attractive face all the more stunning. Her porcelain skin and dark hair were a deadly juxtaposition and suddenly, Piper's heart was racing a little.

'You're right, people will start to talk' she laughed.

'I'm sure you're far too proper to give people anything to talk about' Alex replied, taking a seat next to her, hands cupped around a large mug of coffee.

'Well you know what they say, never judge a book by it's cover' she smiled 'and I should know, I work in a bookstore after all'. What the fuck was that?! Piper could hear her mind screaming at her attempted joke, but if Alex found it nerdy, she didn't let on, she just laughed, in the most infectious way and Piper felt her soul lift and she didn't even know why.

'So how's the hunt for the birthday present going?' Alex asked.

'Not so good' she replied, taking a sip of coffee, 'maybe I'll just give him some book tokens?'

Alex laughed, 'book tokens when you work in a bookstore? You don't think he may be expecting a little more effort?'

Piper shrugged, 'Larry isn't the easiest person to shop for'.

'Maybe I can help; describe him in three words'

Piper rested her head on her hand as she thought about the question, 'ok; loyal, friendly and….'

'likes long walks?' Alex laughed.

'What?'

'Nothing, it just kinda sounds like you're describing Lassie…'

'Oh' she replied, blushing a little

'But don't worry, you're much better looking than Timmy' she grinned.

Piper couldn't help but laugh, her morning already felt much brighter. 'So you still looking for that John Grisham book for your mom?'

Alex thought about lying, but what was the point? Clearly something was amiss with the fiancé and she couldn't let this opportunity go. Piper deserved something better than that lack lustre jackass and nights in, ironing his y fronts.

'There is no book' she said, locking her eyes with Piper's 'I lied, because I like you. So, wanna go for a drink some time?'

'Oh, wow' Piper replied, visibily flustered. 'You certainly like the direct approach don't you?'

'You think that's direct?' she smirked.

'You can be _more_ direct?'

'Sure I can, but I didn't think 'wanna fuck' was going to cut it in this situation. But please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, I'll be more than happy to concede defeat on this occasion' she grinned.

She was brazen and arrogant, that much was clear. But it was so fucking hot and Piper was fighting the urge to agree to the latter, never mind the former. The whole conversation was like a whirlwind, but Larry….her fiancé Larry…

'Look Alex, I'm really flattered, like _really_ flattered, but…'

'You're fiancé right?'

She nodded. 'I'm sorry, it's just bad timing'

'Story of my life' Alex smiled, despite the fact she suddenly felt like she'd been kicked in the guts. 'I better get going, I've got to open up' she said standing, 'see you around some time'

'Hey, wait a second' Piper said following her, 'maybe we can be friends?'

Alex laughed, 'I tell you what kid, we can give it a try, but I guarantee you will cave'

'You don't know me well enough to know that'

'No, but I know myself' she grinned. 'Swing by at lunchtime'

'Great' she said, a little more excited than she meant it to sound, 'it's a date…I mean…not a date…a friend lunch..…'

'What the fuck's a friend lunch?' Alex laughed.

'Lunch without sex?'

She shook her head, 'no, that's just a bad day. See you later' she winked.

'Larry' Piper repeated to herself as if she was worried he would drop out of her mind. 'Larry'.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _It's the day before Thanksgiving, it's raining and the office roof is leaking. The silence is occasionally punctuated by the clanking sound of rainwater hitting the metal bucket. Alex can't help but think that this is a very apt metaphor for her life right now._

 _She's trying to complete some paperwork, except Piper is distracting her. She's sat opposite, pretending to read Orlando, but Alex can feel her eyes watching her. Every so often, she slides down in her chair slightly so she can run her foot up Alex's inner thigh. She giggles a little at the fact that it's turning Alex on, but that she's trying to maintain a serious veneer all the same._

' _You look hot when you're being professional' Piper says leaning across the desk._

' _I thought you were supposed to be reading?'_

' _I am'_

' _Really? So how come you haven't turned a page in the last ten minutes?'_

' _And I thought you were supposed to be working, so how come you've noticed I haven't turned a page in the last ten minutes?'_

 _Alex laughs. 'So what we've established is that we're both equally distracting to one another?'_

' _I'll stop if you kiss me'_

' _No you won't'_

' _Well you won't find out unless you try' she says, laying the book down and walking around the desk to sit on Alex's lap._

' _Piper, I_ _really_ _do need to finish this, I have to get this order out today'._

' _But I miss you' she pouts playfully._

' _I'm in the same room'_

' _But you're so far away'_

' _You're in my lap'_

' _Yea, but I want to be inside you' she whispers into her ear; breath hot and wet._

 _Alex swallows hard at the thought and then she can feel Piper's fingers fumbling with the buttons of her shirt._

' _We really can't, Mia is in the next room' she says, removing Piper's hand._

' _So send her on a break?' Her fingers are gently stroking the nape of Alex's neck now, long and lingering. It's a clever move, she knows this is one of Alex's weaknesses and sure enough, Alex can feel her will power waning as goose bumps prickle her._

' _You're a damn nuisance' she laughs._

' _I won't see you for four days, so make the most of it'._

 _She's right. Piper's off to attend a Bloom/Chapman family Thanksgiving extravaganza, whilst Alex splits her time between her mother's, getting drunk and smoking a shit ton of cigarettes. The thought immediately puts a dampener on her mood and she finds herself pulling away from Piper's kiss._

' _What's wrong?' she asks, her eyes searching Alex's face for answers._

' _Nothing….I told you, I just have to get this order out today…and Mia…' she tails off, she's not making a very convincing case, but now her mind is just flooded with images of Piper playing happy families and it's making her angry and frustrated. They should be spending Thanksgiving together, eating junk food, drinking cheap wine and watching the ending of Breakfast at Tiffany's. So far, they've attempted to watch the movie eight times, but on each occasion, they've end up having sex before it finishes and now it's becoming a running joke, so Piper finds new ways to distract her every time they put it on. So far, Alex has yet to resist, but maybe one day she'll manage it….maybe…_

' _Hey, it's_ _just_ _four days, it will fly by' she says softly 'and then I'll be back and this whole thing is going to be sorted out, I promise.' She's so fucking sincere that Alex has no reason not to believe her, but she's just fed up of the whole thing._

' _Next Thanksgiving will be different' she says, kissing her gently on the lips 'it will just be you and me'._

' _and Pumpkin Pie?'_

 _Piper laughs, 'yea if that's what you want. I make a mean Pumpkin pie'. Her eyes are sparkling in that way that makes her even more gorgeous, that makes Alex want her all the more and then she's wishing she wasn't going away, because she knows that every second of these four days is going to drag, that every beer fuelled evening is going to hurt like hell, because she doesn't know how to cope, she's never felt this sort of longing for anyone before and it's fucking with her._

' _Will you miss me?' Piper asks, knowing full well what the answer will be._

 _Alex nods._

' _How much?'_

' _More than you know, but less than you'll miss me'_

 _Piper rolls her eyes, 'you're so fucking arrogant sometimes'_

 _Alex grins, 'and yet you love me'_

' _Well no one said that I had good taste did they? But when I get back, I promise I'll make it up to you'_

' _Yea? And how do you intend on doing that exactly?'_

' _Well' she says, strumming her chin with her fingers as if deep in thought, 'I haven't worked out the finer points, but it involves making you cum…._ _a lot'_

' _Say it with an orgasm, I like it' she laughs._

 _Piper's face changes now, the soft lines have faded a little and she's holding Alex's gaze with a little more intensity. 'You know I love you right?'_

 _Alex could make another joke now, she normally does when she she's expecting a 'but', a spoonful of sugar to make the bitter pill go down easier, but she doesn't this time because she can sense it's different somehow. So she just nods instead._

' _Promise me you'll always remember that'_

' _Cross my heart' Alex smiles. 'Maybe in the four days you can get past page one of Orlando too?'_

 _Piper doesn't bother to answer her, she just leans in and kisses her full and hard, her hands searching for the buttons on Alex's jeans and this time Alex doesn't resist her because it's going to be four days…..the longest four fucking days of her life._

' _Oh and by the way', she mumbles between frenzied kisses, 'I love you too'_

' _Always late to the party Vause' Piper whispers. 'Happy Thanksgiving.'_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Here is another. All of it is a flash** **forward** **, hence the use of italics.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **Thoughts always welcome and appreciated.**

 _Piper returned from her family Thanksgiving bonanza yesterday evening. Today she's supposed to be at work, but she's pulled a sickie instead. The plan was to spend a leisurely day roaming around the market and eat pretzels in the park, but instead they've spent the whole morning in bed. Their limbs are lazily tangled together, sheets discarded in a messy heap on the floor. Piper is nuzzled into Alex's neck and neither one of them wants to move and break the spell. A shaft of sunlight peaks through the dusty blinds and catches Piper's hair, illuminating it against the shadowed backdrop of the bedroom._

 _'You do realise we've been in bed for nearly three hours?' she says, glancing at the clock, but showing no real desire to move all the same. Her fingertips idly trace Alex's jawline._

 _'Yup, quite some stamina you got their kid' Alex grins._

 _'Well I had a lot of Turkey to burn off after Thanksgiving'_

 _'How was it?'_

 _'A little dry, mom always manages to over cook it'_

 _'No you idiot, I meant Thanksgiving'_

 _She pauses, staring at Alex, trying to judge whether she's being sincere or not, because she never asks about that part of her life, never. She always figured that Alex thought of it like a distant cousin; one that you know exists, somewhere, but you don't want to trouble yourself with the detail._

 _'It was awful' she says, gently nipping Alex's earlobe and trying to distract her train of thought' but it doesn't work this time._

' _Why?'_

 _Alex is holding her gaze now, in a way that makes Piper feel she cannot avert her eyes. The intensity is palpable. Sirens blare in the distance, but for now they are cocooned in their own emotions._

' _Because when you're not there, everything seems to lose meaning', she replies softly._

 _Alex is caught unawares by the frankness of the statement and it leaves her feeling exposed. She responds by kissing Piper firmly and holding her a little tighter than is strictly necessary._

 _Piper is the first to pull away, her face is flushed: radiant._

 _'So how was your Thanksgiving?'_

 _'It was good' she replies flatly, remembering how she ate cold turkey on Diane's lumpy couch, playing cards and drinking beer, trying to dull the longing a little. It was one of the few evenings she wasn't willing time to pass by quicker just so she could see Piper again; like a kid counting down to Christmas._

 _'You didn't watch Breakfast at Tiffany's without me did you?' She grins._

 _She shakes her head, 'but we don't really watch it anyway do we, well not all the way through'_

 _She curls Alex's hair around her fingers, her eyes dancing with mischief, 'maybe you'll be able to resist me next time?'_

' _It's fucking impossible'_

' _You just need to try harder' she teases_

' _Next time i'm going to ban all physical contact until the end of film'_

' _This sort of physical contact you mean?' Piper says, gently trailing kisses along Alex's neck and down towards her collarbone. She can feel Alex's heartbeat racing at her touch and it gives her a real buzz. Alex moans slightly, squirming a little and then Piper stops abruptly, cruelly teasing her._

 _Alex shakes her head 'you're going to be the death of me one day kid' she says, watching Piper grin, her objective achieved._

 _'You think we should at least attempt to move from bed?' Piper says, shifting her position slightly so she's lying on her back. Alex's fingers trace the pink, slightly puckered, horizontal scar running across Piper's stomach._

 _Instinctively, Piper grabs her hand and moves it away. She catches Alex's gaze, and for a moment, Alex swears she can spot of flicker of panic in her eyes. 'Why do you always put your hand there?' she asks a little defensively._

 _'Why not?'_

 _'Because I hate it, it's ugly'_

 _Alex shakes her head, 'it's part of you, it could never be ugly'._

 _'It's part of my past and I want to focus on my future' she says smiling, although it fails to reach her eyes. She's trying to divert the conversation, like she always does when it comes to that._

 _She told Alex about the baby a while back. She was drunk on shots and blurted it all out, as if she had no control over what she was saying. And then the reality had dawned on her in an awful sobering way and Alex had taken her back to her apartment. She didn't go back to Larry's that evening. Alex held her all night, soothing her into eventual sleep. They hadn't spoken about it properly since. The scar was only one part of the healing process; that much was clear._

' _You hungry?' she asks Piper._

' _Are you offering to cook?' Piper replies a little surprised, knowing full well that Alex is notoriously bad at that. Grilled cheese is about as far as her repertoire extends._

' _Cooking may be stretching it slightly, but I'm sure I can rustle up something' she replies, freeing herself from Piper's embrace and pulling on some jeans and a t-shirt._

' _You do realise that wine doesn't count as food right?'_

' _It's made out of grapes isn't it?' she grins._

 _They eat baloney sandwiches and gherkins straight from the jar, whilst watching some lame ass quiz show, trying to guess the correct answers._

' _Hey, lets do that lady and the tramp thing' Piper says, placing a gherkin between her a teeth._

 _Alex laughs, 'ok, but you're totally the tramp'_

 _She wraps her lips around one end of the gherkin and watches the cute way that Piper is nibbling her end, it's so adorable she can't be bothered to wait for their lips to meet. She just drops the gherkin from her mouth and kisses Piper firmly; she tastes sour and salty, but Alex doesn't care. Piper pulls away giggling._

' _What's so funny?' Alex asks a little confused._

' _I thought I was supposed to be the tramp?'_

' _What can I say, all it takes is a gherkin for my true colours to come through, she grins, resisting the urge to take Piper back to bed, 'besides which, in certain areas, your tramp tendencies really do come to the fore', she raises an eyebrow devilishly._

' _Fuck you' she says, snatching her copy of Orlando from the floor and tossing it at Alex._

' _Have you got past page one of this yet?' Alex asks opening it up. A picture falls out. It's a grainy photo-booth image they had taken when they went to Staten Island for the day a few weeks ago. Alex's glasses are a little skewwhiff and Piper's got a goofy smile plastered across her face, but they both look so unbelievably fucking happy that Alex feels a pang in her heart; so sharp that it's almost physically painful._

' _You kept this?' she says holding it up._

 _Piper nods, 'of course…always'_

 _Alex leans across the couch and pulls her into a kiss, gentle at first, but it only takes a few seconds before it becomes more primal; hot and hungry, her hands searching under Piper's t-shirt, finger's laying a trail. Despite her best efforts, she's caved._

' _Let's go back to bed' she mutters breathlessly._

 _Piper grins, 'now who's the tramp?'_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

' _Where did you find this place?' Polly says, picking at the plate of greasy sliders that's been placed in front of her. A group of men are sitting in the booth behind them drinking pitchers of beer and getting rowdier by the second. The jukebox is playing some terrible 80's rock music and the barman looks like an extra from The Hills Have Eyes._

' _Alex likes it' Piper replies, 'it's cute'_

' _Is that another word for shithole in your world?'_

 _Piper rolls her eyes. 'See, this is what you were doing the other night'_

' _When?'_

' _When you met Alex, you didn't give her a chance'_

' _Because she's an asshole Piper, or did you not notice she was making zero effort with me?' she says, taking sip of her drink and shuddering. 'This is not wine, it's fucking vinegar, neat fucking vinegar'._

 _Piper ignores her. She's used to Polly's prissy ways and knows disregarding is the best way to deal with them._

' _She's not an asshole, it's just difficult for her….or are you being like this because she's a woman?'_

 _Now it's Polly's turn to roll her eyes. 'Oh please, I've kissed a girl before…and I liked it….sort of'_

' _Like Katy Perry?' Piper grins._

' _Oh shut up you idiot' Polly laughs, you know what I mean. I couldn't give a shit that it's a woman, but you need to make better life choices Pipes and if you're going to leave Larry, it needs to be for the right reasons.'_

' _I don't love him any more, I love Alex, isn't that a good enough reason for you?'_

' _Is it actually love though?'_

' _Opposed to….?'_

' _Lust…a distraction….you've been through a tough time lately and..'_

' _No way' Piper says slamming her hand down on the table so firmly that it rattles their glasses, 'don't you dare try and make it in to that. Alex is not some sort of rebound fuck, not one goddamn bit'. Her eyes are wide now, angry and hurt._

' _I'm sorry' Polly replies hurriedly, grabbing Piper's hand, 'I didn't mean it to sound like that, I'm just worried about you that's all'._

' _She makes me happy, why can't you get that?'_

' _She makes you happy for_ _now_ _, but what about in the long run? When you want kids, when you need a bigger house…'_

' _So this is about money to you?'_

 _Polly sighs, 'it's naïve of you to think that some of it_ _won't_ _be about money'._

' _Larry didn't have a fucking job for god knows how long, I didn't see that bothering you!'_

' _That's different, Larry has means…..'_

' _His parents'_

' _Whatever…the fact is, how can you expect to build a life with someone in the long term when they are flat broke? And what do you actually know about her? I mean really know, like her family and….'_

' _I love her' Piper repeats, firmer this time as if this should answer all of Polly's questions, appease her concerns._

' _And I'm your best friend, that's why I'm trying to protect you' she says gentler now, so Piper's resilience softens a little, 'I just don't want you to make a mistake with some hot asshole'._

 _Piper laughs at this admission. 'So you concede that she's hot?'_

' _You're such a jackass sometimes Piper…yes she's hot…ok?'_

' _Well hands off, she's mine' Piper says grinning. It feels good to say that, so she repeats it, a little firmer this time, 'mine'._

' _Ok Chapman, calm down, I'm not going to encroach on your territory' Polly teases. She takes another sip of wine and this time doesn't pull a face like she's going to puke. 'Maybe she's like this wine' she says._

' _To be consumed in large quantities?'_

' _No; an acquired taste'._

' _I just want you to make more of an effort, I'm going to need all the support I can get, please?'_

 _Polly sighs deeply, 'fine' she concedes, 'on one condition'._

' _What's that?' Piper asks, suddenly feeling a little perkier._

' _Never bring me to this place again'._

' _It's a deal' Piper laughs._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Alex examines the contents of the Tupperware container and is decidedly unimpressed. She flicks a piece of cucumber with a fork, her appetite somewhat diminished._

 _It's Piper's lunch break and they're sitting on a bench in the park near to the bookstore. It's cold, so there aren't many people around: the sort of cold where your words make a cloudy fug in the air._

 _'Didn't your mother teach you that it's rude to play with your food?' Piper says teasing her._

 _'My mother didn't make me eat stuff like this...what is it anyway?' Alex replies, eyeing a nearby pretzel stall enviously._

 _'Butternut squash and quinoa salad, it's good for you...'_

 _Alex remains unconvinced. She grimaces a little, as she loads the fork up, sniffs it and then places it back in the box as if she can't quite build up the courage._

 _'Jeez Al you're worse than a kid, it won't hurt you and it wouldn't do any harm to vary your diet a little from Corn Dogs and beer. Plus if you don't finish your salad, you don't get dessert' she grins._

 _'Well I'm gonna need to know what dessert is, in order to see if it's worth my while' she laughs. Alex places the box on the bench next to her and stuffs her hands deep into the pockets of her coat. The wind has picked up now and the cold is biting at her, taking icy little nips at her neck._

 _Piper holds out a brown paper bag, 'I made cookies for you and Mia' she says._

 _'Oh, so when you said dessert, you actually meant_ _dessert_ _?'_

 _'Yes' Piper replies, wrapping her scarf around herself a little more tightly._

 _'You disappoint me Chapman' Alex replies shaking her head, she can't resist opening the bag though and has to concede they smell delicious. 'Raspberry and white chocolate?' She says looking up hopefully._

 _'They sure are. Feeling a little less disappointed yet?'_

 _'A tiny bit' she replies, still shooting the Quinoa a suspicious glance all the same._

 _'Well' Piper says, moving closer to her and wrapping her arms around her neck, 'maybe tomorrow when I come over, you can send Mia on an errand and I can make it up to you?'_

 _'I'm not sure anything could make up for this' Alex says tapping the salad box, it's a good job you're so hot' she smirks._

 _'You're such an asshole sometimes' Piper replies, lightly slapping her thigh, 'but guess what? Polly thinks you're a_ _hot_ _asshole'._

 _'Polly?'_

 _'Yea' she replies, beginning to regret starting this conversation._

 _Alex is less than thrilled at the thought that Piper has been discussing her with Polly. She can pretty much guess how that conversation went and even the thought of it is pissing her off and putting a dampener on the afternoon._

 _'It wasn't bad' Piper replies, noticing the obvious change in her mood._

 _'Well it can't have been that great, she clearly thinks I'm not good enough for you.'_

 _'It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, I love you, even if your food choices resemble a teenage boy' she replies kissing her softly. Piper's lips are warm and inviting, but it's a ruse, as she pulls away quickly._

 _It's one of those superficial kisses which attempts to gloss over things and_

 _call an end to a conversation and it annoys Alex. A lot. So she sulks. About Polly, about the fact she's been force fed Quinoa and about the fact that Piper still hasn't left Larry. She knows sulking won't achieve anything, except for a fight, but now she's spoiling for an argument and she's kinda hoping Piper will take the bait. She also knows she'll regret it later if she does, whilst she's drinking beer and watching bad TV in her shitty, draughty apartment._

' _Al? are you_ _really_ _going to do this now?'_

' _Do what'_

' _Go into a mood because I was talking about you to Polly?'_

 _She shrugs in a real petulant, sullen way and she can tell it irritates Piper immensely and that she could end this by just apologising and eating a cookie or something else that a normal rational person would do. She thinks it over some more, willing herself not to be a dick._

' _Alex, I have literally five minutes left on my lunch break, so we can either spend it making out or you can stay sulking and I'll leave, the choice is yours'. Her face looks mildly amused, probably because she knows that given this sort of ultimatum, Alex cannot resist her. Damn those fucking eyes._

' _Is there a third option?' she asks grinning_

 _She nods, 'I buy you a pretzel'_

' _Option three without a doubt then'_

' _Idiot' Piper replies laughing and pulling her in for a kiss anyway, she pauses, casting a lingering glance over Alex's face. 'I'm going to tell him soon, I promise, ok?'_

' _Soon?'_

' _Real soon' she smiles and in that moment, she realises that she's never meant anything more in her whole life._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Mia chewed her pen lid as she scanned the inventory, her breath affording the only real warmth that was available in the building. It was getting colder by the day and she needed to broach the subject of heating with Alex. Wearing a duffle coat and hat in doors couldn't really cut it for much longer._

 _'Well this is a surprise' Alex interrupted, returning from lunch._

 _'What is?' she said, not bothering to look up._

 _'That you're working'_

 _'Someone has to' she replied snarkily_

 _'Here, Piper sent you these' she said passing her the slightly scrunched up bag of cookies._

 _'She bakes too? You really should lock_ _that_ _down' she grinned._

 _'I'm working on it' Alex muttered._

 _'She still with that dude?'_

 _'I don't really want to talk about that' Alex replied, blowing into her hands. It felt colder in the shop than it did outside and she was pretty sure it was beginning to scare off what little customers they did have._

 _'Want me to arrange for a horse's head to appear in his bed?' Mia asked taking a large bite of cookie 'because I can do that you know'_

 _'And yet you can't eat a cookie without making a mess' Alex replied, dusting the crumbs off the counter top._

 _Mia shrugged, 'I'm a complex character, I can't be defined by the norms of society'_

 _'You're a smartarse is what you are and its gonna land you in trouble one day if you're not careful'_

 _'You mean I might end up as a thirty year old lesbian who owns a vintage clothes store...'_

 _'Only if you're lucky' Alex grinned, 'very lucky. Oh and tomorrow lunchtime, I need you to go and collect something for me…' she said, snapping one of the cookies in half._

' _Uhuh' Mia replied eyeing her suspiciously._

' _What does that mean?'_

' _Oh nothing' she continued, twirling the pen in her fingers, 'it's just that last time you sent me to 'collect' something, when I got back, Piper was leaving and looking a little flustered…..'_

' _Umm..she was just helping me with the accounts…'_

' _Yea, must have been quite some calculations, she looked quite hot and bothered'._

' _Just eat your cookie'_

' _You're the boss' she smirked, 'oh and by the way, I like her' she said taking another mouthful of food._

' _Who?'_

' _Piper of course'_

' _Oh, yea.'_

' _She's a keeper, try not to mess it up' she grinned._

 _If only it was that easy she thought._


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Vauseman, Vauseman Vauseman- Much like Beetlejuice, if you say it three times, they are guaranteed to appear….**

 **So here's another installment. Italics denote a flash** **forward.**

 **Thank you for your comments and views thus far, please feel free to leave endless amounts of further feedback. Enjoy!**

 _There are about half a dozen people in the movie theatre, which is just fine by Alex, it means that she and Piper can have the back row to themselves and spend most of the film fooling around; like horny teenagers with no place else to go. At least they would be, if Piper wasn't so intent on watching the damn film._

' _You told me you had seen this movie before' Alex whispers as the ads are coming to a close._

 _Piper shakes her head, 'I must have got confused with another film'. She shuffles in her seat a little to make herself comfortable._

' _But…'_

' _Shhhh' she says putting a finger to her lips, 'the movie's starting now'_

 _Alex ignores her and leans in for a kiss, as they are flanked by long shadows cast by the flickering pictures on the screen. Piper responds at first, but then it quickly escalates into something firmer, more urgent, so that they drift into more risky territory and then her fingers begin to fumble with the belt buckle on Piper's jeans._

' _Al, what are you doing?' Piper hisses, her blue eyes wide with disbelief._

' _Making a pot roast, what the fuck do you think I'm doing' she grins, moving in to continue where she left off. But Piper turns her head so Alex's lips catch her clumsily on the side of her mouth._

' _There are senior citizens in here, we can't do this'_

' _They probably got up to much worse back in their day, give or take a corset or two, don't worry about it. Plus no one can see us, you'll just need to be a lot quieter than you normally are' she grins._

 _A middle- aged woman with very long, severely centre-parted hair, turns round and glowers at them. Alex guesses she's never made out in a cinema movie theatre in her entire life. She's probably got cats, a bad dandruff problem and is_ _always_ _on time for the early bird special._

' _We're going to get thrown out if you don't stop it Al and besides, I want to watch the film, it's supposed to be really good'. She's doing that stupid lopsided grin now, the one she does when she's excited about something and it's so fucking adorable that it makes Alex want her all the more._

' _You can listen to it while we make out' Alex whispers._

' _It's in French, I need to read the subtitles' Piper protests._

 _Alex sighs and leans back in her chair, 'so you're gonna leave me hanging?'_

 _Piper nods._

 _Alex snatches up her slurpy from the cup holder and sips noisily. She smirks noticing that it's irritating Piper. 'You do know they all die in the end right?'_

' _Alex!' Piper says, slapping her on the leg 'you've just ruined the whole film now'_

' _I'm kidding' she laughs._

 _The middle-aged woman turns around again, scowling, but this time she isn't content to leave it at that. 'Can you two please be quiet, some of us have paid to watch the film, not listen to you carrying on with whatever it is you're doing'. She looks them up and down with thinly veiled disdain and it immediately riles Alex up in a way that is dangerous. Now she's going to have some_ _real_ _fun._

' _Sorry' she says and Piper is impressed and more than a little surprised that she almost sounds sincere. But then she plays an Alex card, a solid Ace, as she continues speaking to the woman._

' _How terribly rude of us not to ask. Would you care to join in?' she says, raising her eyebrow._

 _Piper is trying to stifle her giggles now. She doesn't want to laugh, give Alex anything to reinforce her ass hole behaviour, but if she's honest, she fucking loves this side to her, this unpredictability, not giving a shit what anyone thinks. It's hot. Very hot._

 _The woman's face is frozen for a few seconds, as if she can't quite believe what she's hearing, then she hurriedly picks up her bag and moves to another seat a few rows away, all the time glancing back as if she expects them to follow her._

' _Don't worry' Alex yells after her, 'it isn't contagious'._

 _She takes another sip of her slurpy, sitting back in her chair: triumphant._

' _Jeez Al, I can't take you anywhere can I?' she says whispering, but still unable to stop a small smile forming at the corner of her lips._

' _She was an uptight bitch' she replies, grinning._

' _Imagine when we have kids? I don't know who I would have to yell at more'._

 _The change in Alex's expression is almost instantaneous, morphing into something altogether more serious._

' _Shhhhhh' someone hisses from the front row._

 _Piper drops her voice, 'I was just…..' she starts, desperate to explain, but she tails off, because she doesn't actually know where to begin . In truth, this is the first time she's even thought about children since she lost the baby. It had just been pushed to the back of her mind, something that was too painful to contemplate, but the look on Alex's face tells her that mentioning this is a bad move, so she changes the subject. After all, now is not the time to get into this, not when things are still so complicated._

' _You do realise that your tongue is all blue right?'_

' _What?' Alex says, looking a little confused._

' _From the slurpy'_

' _Oh' she grins, her mood lifting again, 'care to take a closer look?'_

' _Why not' Piper replies grabbing her hand, 'let's go….'_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Alex was napping in the chair in her office, drifting in and out of shadowy, shapeless dreams as she battled to maintain a hazy consciousness. She had been woken up by a car alarm sounding, in the street below her apartment at 1am. By the time it had stopped an hour later, she couldn't get back to sleep, every little noise causing her to toss and turn; like the dripping of the bathroom tap and the meowing of some alley cats.

'Have I come at a bad time?' a voice said startling her and snapping her awake.

'Oh, hey' she said, running a hand over her face and wishing that Piper had picked a more opportune moment to come and visit her, preferably where there wasn't the possibility she had been snoring.

'I've come for our 'friend lunch, your 'daughter' let me in', she smiled. 'Philly cheese steak or sundried tomato, tapenade and burrata?' she said holding up a couple of brown paper bags.

'Well, given that I don't know what the fuck's in most of the second one, looks like it's Philly cheese steak' Alex replied, still trying to get herself back to a state of full wakefulness.

Piper handed her the sandwich and perched on the end of the desk, leaving only a few inches separating them. Despite not having eaten all morning, Alex's interest in food was wavering. Instead she found her gaze lingering over Piper's long legs, the tight black jeans fuelling her imagination in a way that she knew they shouldn't.

Piper removed her coat and draped it across the desk. She was wearing an aqua marine cashmere jumper, which set off the blue flecks of her eyes. The sandwich really was no competition for Alex's attention.

'Where are you manners Al?' Mia said from the doorway, 'shouldn't you offer the lady a seat? She is a guest after all' she grinned.

'How kind of you to point that out Mia, if only you had something else you should be getting on with rather than offering me etiquette lessons', she replied bluntly.

'Ok, ok, I get the message. Now you crazy kids be safe and if you can't be safe then be careful. Don't forget, a high percentage of accidents happen in the workplace' she grinned, disappearing back into the front of the store.

'She certainly keeps you on your toes, doesn't she?' Piper said laughing.

'Something like that…anyway, she was right, it was rude of me, why don't you have my chair, I guarantee it's the most comfortable thing you ever sat on, well, apart from my lap that is'.

'Well which one is on offer?' Piper asked, the words slipping out of her mouth before she had the chance to properly consider them.

'Whichever you find more comfortable?' Alex replied holding her gaze: daring her.

'I think I had better stick to the chair' she said, fervently reminding herself she was engaged and ignoring the very obvious chemistry that was sparking between them like some sort of super charged current.

They switched places and Piper shuffled around a little trying to ascertain if the chair really was as great as Alex was making out.

'So?' she asked

'Well, I think you're right, it is a great chair…'

'It is, but I guarantee my lap is superior, the offer is still open…'

'I bet it is and my answer is still the same'

'That's quite some restraint you got their kid'

'What makes you think that I'm having to use any restraint?' she said, carefully unwrapping her sandwich.

'Because you're only human' she replied, her eyes glinting with the promise of something delicious.

'Have you always been this arrogant?' she said, tilting her head a little and regarding her curiously.

'Arrogance is crude and egotistical' Alex replied, examining a piece of steak that had fallen out of her sandwich.

'So what is this then?'

'Inevitable' she grinned.

'I meant your attitude' Piper replied, finding herself getting a little flustered.

'There is no attitude, I just call it like I see it'.

They were interrupted by Alex's phone buzzing on the table next to Piper. 'Looks like someone called Sylvie is trying to get hold of you' Piper said, reading the display. 'Girlfriend?'

Alex shook her head.

'Someone that's tested out your lap?'

Alex laughed, 'hey, I don't just offer my lap to anyone you know, I have got morals'

'Uhuh' Piper replied, not entirely convinced.

'I do'

'And why should I believe that?'

'Because' she said leaning in, so close that Piper could feel her breath on her cheek, 'if I didn't, right now that sandwich would be the last thing on your mind'.

'Al!' Mia yelled from the counter 'there's a customer here to see you'.

'I'll be back in few minutes' she said pulling away and making her way out of the office.

Piper took a deep breath. This was going to be much harder than she thought.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _They're eating ice cream sundaes at a place Piper's picked. Which means it's kitted out to look like an authentic diner, except it lacks soul and is full of yuppie assholes thinking that they're being ironic._

 _Alex snatches the cherry out of Piper's sundae glass and pops it her mouth._

' _Hey, you stole my cherry' Piper protests._

 _Alex pauses, holding her gaze, emerald hues flashing with mischief, 'tell me something I don't know kid'._

' _You're fucking incorrigible' she replies shaking her head, but unable to contain a smile nonetheless._

' _I think that's enough ice cream for me' Alex says discarding her spoon in the glass with a rattle. All that sugar has left her feeling a little queasy. She spots Piper waving at someone. She turns around to see who it is and then wishes she hadn't bothered; it's the Park Slope mafia; fucking Polly and what looks like a dumb ass friend of some description. They are almost carbon copies of each other, all twin sets and fake smiles, except the new girl is dumpy and generally less interesting to look at. The mood immediately feels dulled and Piper is already throwing Alex a glance, willing her to play nice._

' _Hey Pipes, I didn't realise you were going to be here' Polly says hugging her friend. She turns to nod a chaste acknowledgment to Alex who can barely raise a smile._

' _Al, this is Melissa, Polly's housemate and Melissa this is Alex, my….' The words are suddenly stuck in her throat, what are they? She's still technically Larry's fiancé, can she have a girlfriend and a fiancé at the same time?'_

' _I'm her_ _special_ _friend' Alex interrupts abruptly, not bothering to hide the fact that Piper's hesitation has pissed her off._

' _Errrm Hi' Melissa replies, clearly noticing the tension_

' _Come sit with us' Piper says, getting out of her seat and sliding in next to Alex; trapping her._

 _The pair shuffle into their seats and begin examining the menus. Alex is suddenly in desperate need of a cigarette. Piper places a hand on her thigh, trying to appease her, knowing she's fucked up, but the truth is, there is no label for this, except that it's a mess. Christmas is three weeks away and they are no closer to resolving the situation and Alex is beginning to wonder if they ever will and then she mentioned kids the other week at the movies…' Alex shakes her head as if she's trying to physically dislodge the thought from her mind._

' _So you split up with Larry huh?' Melissa asks, tilting her head sympathetically and Alex can feel herself grinding her teeth and desperately trying to ignore the pounding behind her eyes._

 _Piper squirms in her seat uncomfortably, sitting on her hands like a toddler that has been caught doing something they shouldn't have been. 'It's complicated' she mutters._

 _Melissa casts a glance over Alex, pretending to be discreet, except failing miserably. She's clearly psyching herself up to ask a question and after a couple more minutes, she finally manages it. 'So you two are….' She doesn't finish the sentence, hoping one of them will jump in and complete it for and unfortunately for Melissa it's Alex that obliges._

' _Fucking' Alex replies bluntly, staring at the trail of chocolate fudge sauce that is dribbling down the side of her half empty sundae glass._

 _Piper shoots her a glare. This isn't like the movie theatre, this isn't fun, harmless rogue Alex, this is full on, malicious, total ass hole Alex. The Alex that she doesn't like. The Alex that she doesn't want Polly to see._

 _Melissa opens her mouth as if to reply, but instead, no words escape, so she closes it again and quickly glances back down at the menu she's tightly clutching._

' _If you'll excuse me ladies, I need a cigarette break' Alex says, not bothering to ask Piper to move and instead just climbing over her._

' _Wow' Polly says as soon as Alex has disappeared 'and to think, you were trying to convince me she_ _wasn't_ _an asshole'._

' _It's just this whole situation, it's hard on her'_

' _Uhuh, so what exactly is it you're doing about that then Pipes? Because from where I'm sat, it doesn't look like an awful lot'_

' _So wait, you're a lesbian now?' Melissa interrupts._

 _Polly rolls her eyes. 'Mel, do you mind giving me and Piper a few minutes?'_

 _Melissa sighs deeply, 'I think I'm gonna go anyway, I've got to work tomorrow, I'll catch you guys later' she says, grabbing her bag and hugging them both goodbye._

' _So, you didn't answer my question. What are you doing about this?' Polly repeats, clearly not willing to let it drop._

' _Ok, I'm gonna tell you something Poll, but don't yell, ok?'_

 _Polly nods, wondering just how much more drama her best friend can cram into her already complicated life._

' _So we went to watch a movie last week and I mentioned something about us having a kid'_

' _You and Alex?'_

' _Yea….and she sort of freaked out'_

' _Freaked out?'_

' _Yea, I mean, looked…well…panicked…'_

' _Jeez Piper, do you not think you should find out if she actually wants kids_ _before_ _embarking on a serious relationship with her?'_

 _Piper stirs the melted ice cream absent mindedly, trying to ignore the nagging feeling that Polly is right and dreading the fact she may need to broach this subject with Alex at some stage. But more than that, she has a horrible notion that she knows how Alex would feel about kids and that's what's making her throat feel dry and her stomach churn: that they may not want the same thing._

 _She shakes her head 'no, I need to sort the Larry stuff out first, one problem at a time she says. She knows full well this is procrastinating, that the kid issue will need to be raised, but she doesn't honestly think she can handle it right now, so for her sanity's sake, she's putting it on the back burner._

 _Polly shoots her a dubious look, 'you forget how long I've known you for Pipes, you need to speak to her about this'._

' _I know, I will, just not right now' she says, drumming her fingers on the formica table top._

' _You're fucking nuts Pipes, you know that?' Polly says shaking her head, knowing full well she is going to have to be there to pick up the pieces, no matter what._

' _But you still love me' she grins._

' _Yes, I still love you. Idiot. But you need to fix this and soon, I don't like lying to Larry either'_

' _I know and I will, I'm just waiting for Christmas to be over and then it can be a new year and a new start'_

' _What did I miss?' Alex says re-appearing. She can guess what they've been talking about, heads huddled together like members of a coven, although she's noticed the dumpy one has disappeared._

' _Polly was just telling me how hot she thinks you are,_ _again'_ _Piper says trying to lighten the mood._

' _Fuck, Piper!' Polly says, clearly caught off guard and very unimpressed._

' _Don't worry Poll' Alex says, using the abbreviated form of her name as if it's some sort of insult, 'you're not my type'._

' _What?' Polly replies, finding herself strangely insulted._

' _I said, you're not my type'._

' _Why?' she asks, her curiosity and pride getting the better of her._

 _Alex shrugs, 'call it a hunch'. She's holding her gaze now, willing her to come back with some sort of snappy quip, except she she's pretty certain she won't because she's gone for broke, her prissy little ego. But suddenly she's smiling instead, which throws Alex slightly._

' _Oh yea? Or maybe you just know you couldn't handle me'._

 _Alex pauses, regarding her closely and laughs 'Maybe' she grins. She's got balls, she'll give her that. 'But I'm pretty sure I would manage'._

' _Errrmm, as riveted as I am by this little display of flirting, I am sitting_ _right_ _here' Piper interrupts, not happy with the turn the conversation has taken._

' _Well, maybe if I was actually your girlfriend, then I wouldn't flirt with other people in front of you' Alex says flatly._

 _Polly and Piper exchange quick glances, neither knowing what to do for the best and this gives Alex a little satisfaction, because she's still pissed at Piper for making her feel so fucking irrelevant._

' _I'm going to head back' Polly says, sliding out of her seat, the uncomfortable silence proving too much for her. 'Nice to meet you again Alex' she says, this time with a degree of genuine warmth._

' _You too' Alex replies, as friendly as she can muster._

 _As soon as she's gone, Piper's making those eyes at her: big and upset and so unbelievably cute. But she's been an asshole, so it's going to take an awful lot more than that._

' _I'm sorry' she says softly, 'I know I've hurt you, but Mel's question just caught me off guard.'_

 _Alex doesn't reply, she just wants this all to be fixed. Now. And they haven't even discussed Christmas yet._

' _You're more than just some dumb label to me, girlfriend, lover or whatever…you're… you're….everything'_

 _The anger is relenting a little, like steam escaping a boiled kettle. She's trying to resist but this goddamn girl has this hold over her that she just cannot fathom._

' _Alex' she says softly. She loves it when she says her name like that, almost as if she's breathing it, like its part of her. And now the anger is shrinking further still._

' _I love you' she purrs, her nose gently rubbing against Alex's cheek and Alex can feel the last wisps of irritation evaporating into thin air._

' _So am I forgiven?' Piper asks hopefully._

' _Yes, you're forgiven' she finally relents._

 _Piper throws her arms around Alex's neck, holding her gaze firmly. 'Good, so let's go back and then we can_ _properly_ _make up'. Her eyes are sparkling with promise._

' _Sure and by the way' she says, as she retrieves a box of cigarettes from her pocket._

' _Yea?'_

' _Polly totally wants me' she grins._

 _Piper shakes her head. 'She was right, you_ _are_ _an asshole'._


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Vauseman alert! Here is another very Vauseman centric chapter for you and all of it is a flash** **forward.**

 **Thank you all for your spectacular comments, they are a joy to behold, so please continue to cheer my soul and leave plenty of them.**

 **As I was writing this Chapter, I found myself wishing I could find myself my very own Alex Vause, who's with me?**

 **Enjoy….**

 _The baby is pink, wrinkly and screaming it's fucking lungs out; a small ball of pulsing fury, like its pissed at being released into the real world and who the hell can blame it?_

' _It's a girl' the midwife announces and in three little words, the messy little bundle moves from being an it, an unknown quantity, to something_ _very_ _real._

 _They clean her up a little, swaddle her in a generic hospital blanket and then hand her to Piper. She's got her eyes, big and gloriously blue, except nothing lurks behind them yet, she's a blank canvas: no emotional scars and no baggage. We were all like this once, Alex thinks, though she finds it hard to believe. She's pretty sure that trouble's been hounding her own soul since the very day she was born; like it's part of her DNA._

 _Alex has never seen Piper smile like this before. There's a palpable warmth emanating from her and her eyes are sparkling as if she's found the missing piece of the puzzle. Quite simply, she looks radiant, content and unbelievably fucking happy._

 _'I can't believe we did this Al' she says beaming, 'she's just so...she's everything I ever wanted'._

 _Alex smiles back, but it's forced and manifests itself as more of a grimace. She's desperately trying to combat this feeling, the feeling she hasn't been able to shake for the whole nine months._

 _The feeling that she cannot do this._

 _'Al...Al...Alex!'_

 _She wakes up, a little stiff, in her office chair. Mia is stood in front of her._

 _'Jeez, you really are old aren't you? I mean, if you need a mid afternoon nap...' she teases_

 _'Errmm, I must have dosed off' she says, still a little disorientated and spotting the unfinished pile of paperwork on her desk. But more importantly, there's no baby, it was just a dream. The relief is overwhelming and makes her feel a little faint._

 _'You ok?' Mia asks noticing the odd expression on her face._

 _'Yea, fine' she mumbles, 'I just need a coffee'_

' _I think you need some cocoa and a few early nights old timer'_

' _Coffee is probably the best suggestion you've made all day, so why don't you go and grab me one and make yourself useful?'_

 _Mia rolls her eyes, 'I'm pretty sure this is infringing on my employee rights'_

' _Oh yea? And what might they be?' Alex replies, flexing her sore neck._

' _Not to be exploited'_

' _I'm pretty sure that I come out worse in this little arrangement'_

' _Well that's not true, I have to put up with you and Piper making gooey eyes at each other every lunchtime'_

' _What? We do not do that!' Alex replies, starting to feel a little uncomfortable._

' _You certainly do! The other day I came in the office to get something out of the filing cabinet and you were so engrossed in each other, it took you at least five minutes to notice I was even in the room'._

' _Bullshit, we did not do that'_

' _You did. It's gross watching old people in love' she says, pulling a face that's less than complimentary._

' _Old?! I've got plenty of life in me yet kid' Alex grins._

' _I know, I heard the volume of it yesterday lunchtime, when Piper appeared for a visit that required the office door to be closed' she smirks._

 _Alex feels her face flush. She drops her gaze back to the paperwork. 'Just get me that coffee will you' she says, attempting to sound more firm, but just succeeding in becoming even more flustered._

' _Sure thing boss. Oh and by the way Al, I think it's super cute you're all in love, I'll keep my hat at the ready' she winks._

 _Alex watches her depart and shakes her head. 'That girl is nuts' she mutters, smiling._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _The argument was caused by bullshit, more Piper Chapman bullshit. If she's honest, really fucking truthful, then she saw this coming._

 _Up until that point, it had been a good day. Alex had secured a deal for her vintage t-shirts to be sold by a big online retailer and fuck knows it couldn't have come at a better time. It means she can get the car repaired, buy some new stock and maybe afford to fill her freezer with a little more than corn dogs and Fudgsicles. Piper arrived at her apartment to celebrate and they had cooked Langoustine with garlic butter on the temperamental grill, eating it messily with their fingers, plates in laps, whilst debating who was better, Hardy or Dickens. Eventually Alex was proclaimed a Philistine, when she confessed to not liking either. Then, fuelled by the consumption of a dusty bottle of Champagne that Alex had found in the back of a cupboard, they had fucked, frenzied and careless, on the living room floor; the desire so fierce, that they didn't even make it to the bedroom. And then it had happened. Alex had mentioned Christmas._

' _I'd better go' Piper says, looking at the clock, 'I was supposed to be home half an hour ago'. They both scramble up from the floor and dress hurriedly, before the chill that's descended on the apartment begins to settle on them._

' _You really need to get the radiators repaired, it's only going to get colder' Piper says shivering a little and grabbing her phone from the couch. She has five missed calls from Larry._

' _Don't worry, I'll get them fixed before Christmas, we won't freeze to death over the holidays' Alex replies, desperately trying to battle the urge to ask Piper to stay the night; to appear needy in any way. She hates this part, especially because for the few hours after she's gone, she can still smell her on her own skin and it's causes a strange sort of bittersweet pang in her heart; a longing that sets her blood ablaze. She looks up and Piper is failing to make eye contact. She's fiddling with the keys in her coat pocket and the jangling sound is putting Alex on edge. This can only mean one thing. Bad news._

' _Yea…about Christmas Al…'_

 _Alex feels her heart sink, because she knows what's coming next and suddenly it seems like she's standing on quicksand, her feelings no longer affording her any leverage, because Piper has a whole other life, no matter how hard Alex tries to block that out._

' _It's just that with everything that's happened, I'm not sure Larry could deal with the holidays if I ended things with him right now'. She's holding her gaze, hoping that Alex will understand, appealing to the humanity in her, but Alex isn't thinking about Larry and the possibility of his hurt feelings, she's thinking of a cold, miserable Christmas without Piper and it's slicing at her heart in a way that she didn't think was possible. She closes her eyes momentarily, waiting for the rage that is threatening to bubble up inside her to abate, but it's not working, so instead, she just turns away from her and walks into the bedroom. Piper follows her in and silence settles around them thickly as they sit on the edge of the bed, shadows from the street lamps dancing around the unlit room._

' _I'm sorry' Piper begins softly, 'but….'_

 _She doesn't want to hear any more excuses, there seem to be a constant stream of them these days, she just wants to know when this is all going to be resolved; an end point, but most of all, she's scared, real fucking petrified to ask the one question she desperately wants to know the answer to and that's part of the problem, Alex doesn't deal with fear very well._

' _You know what my mom says?'_

 _Piper shakes her head._

' _You shouldn't say sorry unless you_ _really_ _mean it'_

' _But I do mean it Al, I never meant for any of this to happen'_

 _Alex laughs, flat and hard, her green eyes shimmering in the gloominess. 'It's my fault, for thinking that…that…'_

' _I just need you to understand, just this one time…'_

' _Like Thanksgiving you mean? And then what next, Valentines? Easter?…Oh poor Larry, he can't handle Maundy Thursday without me'_

' _Now you're just being stupid'_

' _Why? There's always going to be something isn't there? Birthday's, deaths, anniversaries, the list is fucking endless!'_

 _The relative calm is breaking down and Alex can feel her heart pounding so fervently it's beginning to make her feel a little nauseas. The buzz from the champagne seems like a dim and distant memory, as if that part of the evening belonged to someone else altogether._

' _No, it isn't like that at all…it's just that with the baby….' Piper swallows hard, she can't bring herself to finish the sentence. This is only the second time she's mentioned the loss to Alex and only the first time she's done it sober and even now, months later, she is still struggling to say it out loud._

 _Alex sighs deeply and closes her eyes for a few seconds. This is just too hard she thinks. Nothing should feel like this. 'I get it Piper, I really do, but you can't keep doing this to me. Every time you go, I feel like you leave a little of yourself with me, the minimum amount you can afford, but yet each time, by the same token, you take a larger and larger part of me. It just isn't fucking fair'. She slams her fist into the bed at the last word startling Piper a little._

' _You're so wrong, you don't know how wrong' she says, her eyes animated with fear, because she can sense Alex slipping out of her grasp. 'You have every last part of me Alex, how can I make you see that?'_

' _Leave him'_

' _I_ _am_ _going to leave him'_

' _Do it now, call him, tell him the truth and then we can move on'_

 _She shakes her head, 'Please Al, try to see if from my point of view'._

 _But Alex has reached her limit now, she's sick of being the one that has to do all the compromising, the one that has to sit home alone, night after night. 'Fuck you and you're pathetic little bourgeois life' she replies, before storming out._

 _So here she is,_ _sitting on the cold, stone steps outside her apartment trying to light a cigarette, except it's proving more tricky than usual due to the adrenalin that's coursing through her, causing her hands to shake._

 _She's desperately trying to calm down, override the urge to march back in there and just call the whole fucking thing off. The small, non- polluted part of her brain however, is telling her to stay put, smoke and chill the fuck out. Except that Alex has never been very good at listening to that part of her brain, in fact, more often than not, she makes a habit of pointedly ignoring it. Finally, on the fourth attempt, she succeeds in lighting the cigarette and inhales deeply, staring into the night sky. It's clear and still and it makes her feel a little better, but not enough to go back inside, not just yet._

' _So that's it, you're just going to sit out in the cold all night?' she hears Piper say from behind her, trying to sound calm and rational. Somehow, she always manages to assume the role of the adult in these situations and that only irritates Alex more. But Alex doesn't look round, she stays where she is and more than that she remains silent, because she still cannot bring herself to ask_ _that_ _question._

' _Al, don't you think we need to sort this out?' The calmness is wavering now, Piper's voice is beginning to crack, but Alex just carries on smoking, ignoring the cold that's gradually seeping through her jeans and into to her bones._

' _Alex, please?' she says softly now, sitting down beside her. 'Please?' she repeats, taking her hand and entwining their fingers. They feel warm and soft. Piper turns to face her, looking directly into her eyes. It's so hard to stay mad at her, why is so damn fucking hard?!_

' _Fucking Larry' Alex mutters, dropping her gaze and sounding like a petulant child, but not caring anyway. She scuffs the heel of her sneaker against the step, the frustration still lingering._

' _You know, you look really cute when you pout' Piper replies, trying to lighten the mood, but Alex isn't going to let her off that easy, not about this. Stupid, fucking, jackass Larry._

' _So if you can't tell him before Christmas, then when exactly are you going to do it?' she asks, stubbing out her cigarette and flicking it into the distance, wishing she could follow it into the darkness._

' _After, I promise' Piper says, leaning in to kiss her, but Alex isn't done yet so she pulls back a little._

' _When is that?'_

' _I dunno, new year probably'_

' _That isn't a proper answer Piper'_

' _It's the only answer I have right now' she replies sighing._

 _Alex is still biting back what she wants to ask and its gets harder to do so by the second. She tries to light another cigarette, to divert her mind, but her hands are shaking again, so she gives up in frustration, flinging the box down the steps. And then she finally says it, precisely what she has wanted to know since this whole thing began, because she cannot contain it for a second longer and it's slowly driving her insane: 'Do you love me enough to leave him?'_

 _Piper's clearly taken aback by the bluntness of the statement, her lips are parted as if she is going to say something, but no words are formed. She shakes her head in disbelief, unlocking her hand from Alex's, her eyes glint in the moonlight, trapping tears that are threatening to spill over._

 _Alex's heart is thumping hard and fast, to its own crazy tempo. Everything they have done so far hinges on this moment, rests on what Piper says, because if she wavers, even slightly, then Alex knows she's going to need to end it and she's not sure she is capable of that and that's what frightens her more than anything else; that she is so in love with this girl, the thought of surviving a second without her is quite simply unbearable. She is life._

' _I can't believe you're asking me that' Piper chokes out. The tears are escaping now, falling fat and heavy. She places a hand on Alex's cheek softly, holding her gaze and willing her to understand. 'Every waking second that I have is consumed by you. You have literally infected my brain…you goddamn idiot. And I promise, 1_ _st_ _January, I'll tell him, you have my word. Just three more weeks, that's all. Please Alex, I can't lose you'_

 _Alex smiles, the relief is sweet and to be savoured. 'I'm an infection huh? You need an antidote?' she asks grinning._

 _She shakes her head, smiling in that way that hits her eyes so magically. She looks so beautiful, lit up by the moonlight, that for a minute, Alex wishes she could freeze this moment, because she has never seen anything more perfect._

' _I'm pretty sure there's no cure for this' Piper replies_

' _So the prognosis isn't good?'_

' _Oh, I don't know about that' she says, leaning in for a kiss, but instead biting Alex's bottom lip and laughing._

' _Ow! What the fuck was that for?'_

' _For storming off'_

' _So this is the sort of behaviour I have to look forward to? She complains._

' _You know what the best remedy for pain is?' Piper says, gently rubbing the pad of her thumb across Alex's injured lip._

' _Finding a woman that isn't a masochist?'_

' _Pleasure', she whispers._

' _Yea?' Alex grins, knowing exactly what this means._

' _Absolutely' she breathes into Alex's ear. She says it so softly that it lightly tickles Alex, sparking a current through her, which shoots goose bumps down her spine and now all she can think about is Piper, naked, pressed up against the bedroom wall…._

 _Piper laughs, guessing where her mind has wandered, 'You ok there?'_

' _I will be when we get back upstairs' she says grabbing Piper's hand and dragging her to her feet, but Piper shakes her head, 'I'm sorry Al, i've got to leave'._

' _You sure about that?' she says, leaving a trail of kisses along her neck that tingle and nip slightly, she can feel Piper's resilience slackening beneath her as soft moans escape her lips._

' _mmmmm….maybe Polly can have some sort of emergency…' she murmurs_

' _Absolutely' Alex says, pulling her into a firm kiss, 'A real crisis, like she got Pinot Noir instead of Pinot Grigio' she mumbles_

' _You're such douche sometimes' Piper mutters between kisses 'but I love you anyway'_

' _Well someone has to I guess'_

 _Piper pauses momentarily, her eyes locked with Alex's, firm and serious. 'No one will ever love you like I do'_

 _Alex smiles, 'yea and no one will fuck you like_ _I_ _do'_

' _That sounds like a promise to me. Let's go' she says grinning._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _In order to try and make amends for the Christmas fiasco, Piper has planned a surprise day out for Alex, but despite repeated requests for clues or information, she hasn't disclosed a single detail about what they are doing or where they are going and the unknown is fucking with Alex, but in a good way. She doesn't remember being excited like this since she was a kid and it's meant she's had a big, crazy grin plastered on her face for most of the day._

 _They're lying in bed the night before the trip, rain smattering the windowpanes and long, sinewy tree branches casting eerie shadows in the twilight. Piper is feigning sleep in order to avoid any further questions about tomorrow's surprise, but it isn't working, Alex isn't going to fall for that._

 _'You awake? 'she whispers, her eyes scanning Piper's face for any sign of recognition, but none is forthcoming_

 _'Piper?' She continues, this time spotting the merest of eye flickers, which acts as encouragement._

 _'Babe, this is an emergency…I'm pretty sure we've run out of Quinoa!'_

 _At that, Piper can no longer contain herself and she bursts out laughing. 'You're such an idiot' she replies, turning, so they are now lying face to face, 'you don't even have any Quinoa'._

 _'I'm still not entirely sure what it even is' she grins._

 _'So what's up? As if I can't guess' Piper says smiling._

 _For Alex, these are her favourite moments, when they are lying together, in the stillness of night. Because she still can't quite believe it. That Piper is here and she hasn't yet fucked it up. That without even trying, this girl has been able to penetrate her inner core in a way that she cannot even begin to fathom; that's she's unraveled everything that Alex thought she knew about love and rewoven it, into the most complex, beautiful tapestry. It's fucking madness._

' _Nothing's up…..just thought as it's past midnight and technically my surprise is today, you could tell me what it is…'_

' _That's sneaky Vause, you're trying to get clues based on a technicality?' Her excitement is so adorable, that Piper cannot resist kissing her on the lips. She loves this side to Alex, when all the guards are down, when she allows herself to be exposed in this way. But Piper knows, it's for her eyes only and in a way, she likes that. A lot._

 _Alex wraps an arm around Piper's waist and pulls her closer. 'So you're not gonna tell me then?'_

' _Were you like this when you were a kid?'_

' _Gorgeous and adorable?'_

' _Annoying and impatient'_

 _Alex laughs, 'Maybe….so that's a no then?'_

 _Piper nods. 'You'll find out soon enough. Now close your eyes and go to sleep' she says kissing her on the forehead softly._

 _The rain is getting heavier now and Alex can hear cars rattling through puddles in the street below and she realises something; that for the first time in her life, she's actually thinking about the future and more than that, she's looking forward to it._

' _Hey Pipes' she whispers._

' _Hmmm…Al….it's late, we need to sleep….' She mumbles._

' _I might love you'_

 _She laughs softly, 'you pick your moments Vause don't you? I love you too' she says, snuggling in a little closer to her, 'more than is good for my health…and sanity…'_

' _This is for keeps, right?'_

' _Forever and ever…'_

' _Unless you age badly, in which case I reserve the right to withdraw my previous statement'_

' _Jerk'_

' _I'm just a realist'_

' _Sweet dreams Al' she whispers._

 _And for once, Alex is certain they will be._


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hello folks. So all of this chapter is set in the 'present'. The format is a little different, but I hope you enjoy it all the same. The reference to a 'friend lunch' of course carries on from a previous chapter.**

 **Thank you so much for all your mind-blowing reviews, they are splendiferous! If you like me even a tiny bit, then please leave a shit ton more!**

 **Thank you and enjoy.**

 **Friend lunch four**

Piper has a spot. Of all the fucking days this had to happen it was today. She's tried make up, brushing her hair over it and even contemplated a hat for a millisecond, but nothing can disguise the great angry, zit that is pulsing in the middle of her forehead.

She's toying with the idea of cancelling lunch, but the thought of not seeing Alex makes her stomach churn, although she isn't entirely sure why. Larry walks into the kitchen and interrupts her thought process.

'Morning sugar' he says, kissing her lightly on the cheek. He pours himself a bowl of cereal and glances over at her as she continues to examine her face in the mirror. 'Woah Pipes! What happened there!' he says, pointing straight at the spot.

'Gee thanks Larry, like I wasn't paranoid enough about it already' she says, the panic in her rising a notch.

'Sorry, I didn't mean it like that' he replies laughing and taking a carton of milk out of the fridge. 'It's just that I don't think I've ever seen you with a spot before'

'Right? I think it might have been that chocolate that your mother bought over the other day, it was less than 85% cocoa solids'

'Errrr, I ate it too and I'm fine' he says, taking a mouthful of cereal.

'Yes, but your body is used to eating crap, you eat Captain Crunch cereal for god's sake!'

'What? It tastes good! You want coffee?'

She shakes her head.

'A balaclava?'

'Larry!' she says frowning.

He laughs and takes another mouthful of cereal, 'I'm just kidding' he mumbles, 'no one will even notice and it's not like you have to impress anyone at work, so don't worry about it'. He opens the newspaper as if signaling the end of the conversation.

He's right, it shouldn't matter, but it's Alex and so for some reason it does. Would she care if she was meeting Polly or any of her other friends? She doesn't allow herself to dwell on the question long enough to answer it.

'I'm going to work' she says, snatching up her keys from the kitchen worktop. 'I'll see you later'

'Bye honey' Larry mumbles, too engrossed in whatever he's reading to even look up.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Piper has spent virtually every spare second of the morning looking in the mirror, checking to see if the goddamn spot has shrunk even slightly, but nope, nothing. If anything, it seems like it's gotten bigger. One of the shop assistants, Jenna, suggested she applied toothpaste, but she can't walk around the store like that, so instead, she's hiding out in the bathroom, staring at it in the mirror, using the power of mind and willing it to go away.

She hears the door open and Barbara the assistant manager walks in. She takes one look at Piper and tilts her head sympathetically, 'hot date tonight huh?'

'Errrm, no, why?' Piper replies, a little agitated.

'Oh, just that Jenna mentioned you were looking for tips to get rid of your spot, '

'It's fine' she says feeling mildly embarrassed.

'Your best hope at this short notice is just make up I'm afraid, but don't worry, I'm sure Larry loves the way you look, no matter what' she says, before grabbing a handful of tissue paper and disappearing back into the store.

'Fuck' Piper mouths at herself in the mirror. She pulls her cell phone out of her bag and brings Alex's number up. She needs to cancel; she can't go to meet her like this. She would be exactly the same if she was meeting Polly, of course she would, she just likes to look her best, that's all. So she dials the number.

It rings three times before Alex eventually picks up. 'Hey' she says and the sound of her voice immediately makes Piper regret calling, but she cannot see her like this. No fucking way.

'Hey... I'm really sorry, I've got to cancel lunch'.

She waits, to see if there's any objection, but there's just silence, so she continues.

'Errrrm, someone has called in sick so we're short on lunch cover...' More silence and now she can begin to feel herself becoming flustered. 'Alex?'

'So what's the real reason?' she finally replies. She sounds as if she's grinning.

'I told you, someone has called in sick...'

'Cut the bullshit Piper and just tell me will you?'

Piper sighs, she's always been a rubbish liar, even when she was a kid. It's the main reason why Danny and Cal never shared any of their secrets with her.

'I have a spot' she says, realising how it sounds even more pathetic when she says it out loud.

Alex bursts out laughing. 'So you're cancelling because of a pimple? It isn't prom night, stop stressing'.

'You haven't seen it, it's like another life form, even Larry pointed it out this morning'

'Larry's a jackass'

'But...'

'No buts, you're gorgeous, don't worry about it. I gotta go, a customer's waiting for me, see you later.' She says, hanging up.

'Gorgeous' Piper repeats to herself smiling. She re-examines the spot in the mirror, it really doesn't look that bad after all.

 **Friend lunch six**

Piper is early, so she orders green tea and takes a seat at the very back of the café, reading her book to pass the time and trying desperately to look as casual as possible, except it's proving difficult because it feels like there are hundreds of tiny butterflies in her stomach. She always gets this rush of exhilaration when she's meeting Alex, but she figures it's just because she enjoys her company so much.

Alex is different. She's witty and street smart and she gets Piper, _really_ gets her, without even having to try and that's what's so special.

'Hey' Alex says, appearing out of nowhere and Piper can feel a pulse of excitement running through her.

'Oh hey, you found me then?' she says, placing her book on the table.

'Sure I did, my eye is automatically drawn to beautiful things' she grins.

Piper immediately flushes Crimson, unable to remember the last time that Larry made her feel like that.

'You're reading A Christmas Carol?' she says pointing to Piper's abandoned book.

She nods, 'yea, I always re-read it a few months before Christmas, it's sort of a tradition, it gets me in the mood for the holidays'.

'That's kinda fucking adorable' she smiles. 'So how's your will power feeling today, you got it turned up to max?'

'Why would I need willpower? We're just friends'. The intention is for it to be delivered as a firm statement, but instead, it sounds more like a question and the fact that Alex's gaze is so mesmerizing really doesn't help matters.

Alex grins, 'I don't know what's more amusing, that you're trying to convince me or yourself'

'Have you never just been friends with someone without wanting anything more?'

'Sure I have, it's just that you're not one of those people'. She locks eyes with Piper this time, as if trying to convey a thousand messages. As soon as she averts her gaze it's almost as if a spell has been broken and the atmosphere immediately feels lightened.

'So I've got a question' she says, flipping a spoon between her fingers, 'where's your engagement ring? I've never seen you wear it in the whole time I've known you.

'It's being re-sized' Piper replies hurriedly, a little surprised at the bluntness of the question.

'Is it? Seems like it's taking a hell of a long time' Alex says, as the merest of smirks plays at the corners of her lips. This hint of smugness irritates Piper.

'Hey, you don't get to judge me' she replies, a little annoyed, but she's not sure what at precisely, only that Alex is making her feel things that she's not entirely comfortable with.

'No judgement here' she says, putting her hands up in mock surrender. She pauses and leans in a little closer, 'It's just that if you were _mine_ , I would want the whole world to know you were off limits'

She says the word 'mine' like it's something not to be trifled with. It's territorial, primal and so fucking sexy and now it's all Piper can do to stop her mind racing and imagining what it would feel like to be desired in that way.

'Larry isn't like that'

'No shit'

'But that isn't a bad thing, he's just different'

Alex remains silent, examining the menu and this bothers Piper more than the smugness, because she wants to know what's going through her mind.

'What are you thinking?' she asks, finally relenting to her curiosity.

She looks up and grins 'as you're so insistent on doing this friends thing, then it's probably best that I don't share those details with you'.

Holy. Mother. Of. God.

'I'm sure I can handle it' Piper replies, sounding braver than she actually feels and then Alex's is holding her gaze again and Piper is suddenly frozen, her breath catching in her throat.

She shakes her head 'Nope, not gonna happen i'm afraid'.

'So you're nothing but a tease?' Piper replies, surprised by her own disappointment.

'Teasing can be good, to begin with' she says licking her lips, 'but as for the rest? well, you're never gonna find out, so I wouldn't worry about it. So what's good to eat here?' she says, her attention back on the menu.

Piper feels a frustration rising within her that she is struggling to quell. She needs some fresh air. 'I'm not all that hungry, you want to go for a walk instead?'

'Sure, why not' Alex replies.

They wander around the park near the bookstore, drinking coffee and watching children feed the ducks that are swimming around the little pond.

'So what's your story?' Piper asks.

'My story?'

'Yea, how did you end up owning a vintage clothes store'

'It's always been my dream since I was a kid. When the teacher used to ask us what we wanted to be when we grew up and everyone else chose astronaut or ballerina or some other shit, I thought you know what, I want to sell meaningless crap that no one wants any more, so here I am….'

Piper laughs, 'well, you couldn't be a ballerina anyway'

'Why not?'

'Too much attitude'

'Hey, that's a low blow' she replies, feigning hurt.

'It wasn't meant to be…I like it' and she really does. A lot. And that's a problem, but she pushes it to the back of her mind for now.

'You're probably right though' she says, taking a sip of her coffee and staring off into the distance, 'my mom always warned me that it would land me in trouble'

'And has it?

She shrugs 'a little trouble is good sometimes, makes you feel alive' and her eyes flash with something that Piper can't quite trace. 'You're not what I was expecting you know' she continues.

'What do you mean?' Piper replies, furrowing her brow.

'I dunno, I guess I just thought you'd to be more prissy, uptight…..off limits'

'Well, one of them is definitely wrong' she smiles.

'Which one?'

Piper glances at her watch and realises she should have been back at work ten minutes ago. 'I'll leave you to think about that, i'm late, i'd better head back'

'See you soon?'

'Depends' she says, turning back to face Alex.

'On what?'

'My willpower' she grins.

 **Friend lunch eight**

It's gloomy and cold and Alex is ten minutes late. This annoys Piper because it means that now she only has half hour left to spend with her and this triggers that horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She glances up from the bench again and spots her, wrapped up in a coat and scarf. Her green eyes seem to glint evocatively against the dank, rusty browns and oranges of fall. 'Hey' she smiles.

'You're late' Piper replies, trying to sound calm, but failing miserably.

'Yea sorry' she says taking a seat next to her on the damp wood, 'Sylvie called, she's had a break in at her apartment and she was upset'.

The name Sylvie makes Piper feel a little uneasy. Alex has mentioned her in passing before, but only ever very casually. This revelation however seems to put the relationship in a different context and for some reason, this is jarring with Piper and more worryingly, she doesn't know why. It's undeniable that she and Alex have a chemistry and that they flirt, but that doesn't mean anything, after all, she flirts with customers at the bookstore all the time, it's just human nature.

'Oh' she replies flatly, not knowing what else to say, because what she is feeling is alarming her, although she can't quite put her finger on what it is exactly.

'So you want to go to the deli? Or some place else?'

Piper shakes her head 'I'm not feeling hungry any more'

'Are you pissed at me because I was running late? I didn't do it on purpose, I told you Syl..'

'Yea yea Sylvie, poor damsel in distress Sylvie'. She snaps. She knows she sounds pathetic, that her retort is infantile, but she just cannot help herself, or this feeling that is pulsing through her: hot and impetuous.

Alex regards her curiously, 'what's your problem Pipes, you were late the other day and I didn't lose my shit with you'

'Nothing' she says bluntly. 'Let's just go and eat'

'So you _are_ hungry now?'

'I'm allowed to change my mind about things aren't I?'

'Things?' Alex replies, bemused.

'Lunch, I mean lunch, I can change my mind about lunch.'

'Are you sure you're ok?'

Before Piper has a chance to answer, Alex's phone is ringing.

'I'm sorry' she says, checking the display, 'it's Sylvie again, I had better take this, she was really upset earlier...'

Piper is seething now and more than that, she's frustrated with herself for feeling that way. Larry never makes her feel like this because Larry is not a jerk like Alex.

'I'm going to head back anyway, see you later' she says. Alex doesn't reply, she just waves, she's already talking to Sylvie. Piper walks away hurriedly. Alex is definitely a jerk.

Only a jerk would make her feel like this.

 **Friend Lunch nine**

They're sitting in the little cafe in the park. The main lunchtime rush has died down and there are only a handful of people left.

'So are you going to tell me what yesterday was about then?' Alex asks, taking a sip of coffee.

'You were being an asshole'

'I'm always an asshole' she grins 'you love that about me'

'More than usual then and I don't _love_ anything about you' she replies, taking a mouthful of beetroot relish.

'Denial is a lonely place you know Pipes'

'Fuck you'

'Is that an offer?'

'Stop it Al' Piper replies, the lines of her face suddenly becoming harder, her tone firmer.

'You're lucky, I find authoritative women attractive' she continues, ignoring Piper's warning.

'Alex I said stop. I have a fiancé this isn't appropriate'. She says it like she's reminding herself and maybe she is, but the statement has the desired effect as Alex is quiet.

They eat in silence, staring down at their plates, avoiding eye contact. 'I'm sorry' Piper says finally, the awkwardness threatening to capsize her, 'I didn't mean to snap'.

'Forget it' Alex replies, swirling the murky dregs of coffee in the bottom of the mug.

'No I really am sorry, I've just had a shitty few days and I shouldn't take it out on you' and she means it. She has no idea what has come over her recently, it might be to do with the baby or the fact that she and Larry are barely in the same room for longer than five minutes these days, but she doesn't want it to spoil what she has with Alex, it's too important to her.

'How about we go for a drink after work? My shout?'

Alex shakes her head, 'sorry kid, I'm going out tonight'.

'Oh' Piper replies, failing to hide her disappointment.

'Another time?' she smiles.

'Sure' she replies. 'So who are you going out with?' She's allowed to ask this, friends ask this stuff to each other all the time, so why should this be any different?

'Well, aren't your curious George?' she grins.

'Is it a date?'

'Kinda'

'Well what does that mean?'

'That it's none of your business' she laughs.

'But we're friends' she replies as innocently as she can muster.

'I'm not telling you about my hook ups'

'So you're going to have sex?' suddenly Piper's breathing is rapid and there is a horrible tight, pang in her chest. Maybe she is coming down with something?

'Pipes, why are you being so weird about this?' Alex asks scrutinising her closely, 'anyone would think you were jealous'. She begins to laugh and then quickly stops when she notices that rather than joining in or playfully telling her off, Piper has dropped her gaze to the table. When she does eventually look up, her eyes seem glassy, like she's holding back tears.

'I've got to go, I can't be late again' she says hurriedly, snatching up her coat. 'See you later' and with that she leaves.

Alex shakes her head. She's never going to figure out that girl. Total head fuck.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Polly is jubilant. Pete has proposed to her and she is positively giddy with joy as she shows off her engagement ring. Piper smiles and oooohs and aaaahs in all the right places, but her mind is on Alex and her date. She glances at the clock, it's 9.30pm and she tries not to think about what she will be doing right now or with whom because it's making her feel sick and she has finally realised why, it's just taken her a little time to get there.

'I'm boring you, aren't I?' Polly says, noticing Piper's attention is diverted.

Piper shakes her head, 'no, no of course not, I'm just a little tired, but I'm so happy for you Poll, you really deserve this and Pete is such a great guy. You two are going to be so happy together, I know it.'

'I just can't believe it's finally happening! Maybe we could have a double wedding?' she laughs.

Piper doesn't have the heart to tell her that the thought of marrying Larry couldn't be further from her mind right now and if she's honest, really goddamn truthful, for weeks, it's been someone else that's been constantly plaguing her thoughts. But instead she smiles, takes another sip of champagne and wonders when Polly is going to leave, because she's suddenly realised; she needs to call Alex.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

It's 10.37pm. Polly has finally left and Larry is still at his parents. With nearly a bottle's worth of Champagne acting as Dutch courage, she dials Alex's number. Each ring seems to last a lifetime as different scenarios run through Piper's mind. Maybe the phone is in another room, whilst she's having sex? Maybe she's ignoring the call, because she's having sex? Maybe she doesn't want to speak to Piper because her date is more interesting and they are about to have sex? She feels like she is going insane. But then, just as she's about to hang up, she finally hears _that_ voice and she doesn't know whether it's the booze or the fact that she's finally being honest with herself, but it instantly gives her goose bumps. And she fucking loves it.

'Pipes?' She sounds flustered.

'Al….were you having sex?' she blurts out.

'What the fuck?' she laughs. 'Are you drunk?'

'Errmmm, maybe a little….'

'On a scale of 1-10?'

'8.97'

'What kind of number is that?'

'A drunk one' she giggles.

'Idiot. Want me to come and get you?'

Suddenly her heart is racing and she honestly cannot think of anything she would like more in the whole damn world.

'Errmm, yea….but what about your date?'

'I cancelled, I forgot I was washing my hair. What about your fiancé?'

'What?'

'Larry…your fiancé'

'It's fine, I'm going to be with a friend right?'

'Oh absolutely' she says and Piper swears she's grinning as she says it.

'Text me your address, I'll be there soon'

'I will…and Al'

'Yea?'

'Make it _real_ soon'

'You betcha' and this time, there's no mistake, Alex definitely is grinning and then Piper realises; so is she.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Howdy doody peeps. Another chapter for you lovely lot. This is all set in the 'present' and links into the opening flash forward that was in Chapter 2.**

 **Hope you enjoy it and if you think it's more delicious than Organic Peanut butter or dark chocolate with 85% cocoa solids, then please leave a review!**

Piper takes small sips of tepid coffee but she still feels slightly queasy. She's sat in Alex's apartment. It's small and a little cold, but she likes it already, because there's just something so inherently Alex about the detail of it. The living room is choc full of books, left in haphazard piles under the window, next to the couch and under the coffee table. Half empty cardboard boxes are littered around the room and a framed, vintage burlesque show poster is propped against a wall. On the window ledge, two empty beer bottles sit next to an over spilling ashtray.

'Sorry about the clutter' Alex says returning from the bedroom with a sweatshirt and some shorts in her hand, 'but I only moved here a few weeks ago, I keep meaning to unpack everything properly, but…well…you know…'

She passes Piper the clothes, 'You might want to change into these, I think what you're wearing may have got a little messy' she grins.

Piper finds herself flushing, embarrassed at the recollection of them having to pull over on the way here, so that she could puke. She's pretty sure she's broken every rule of seduction so far tonight.

'Thanks' she mumbles, setting the mug down on the table and taking the clothes. She begins unbuttoning her shirt and then stops, looking up at Alex awkwardly.

' _Now_ you're getting all coy with me? When ten minutes ago I was holding your hair back so you didn't get chunks of carrot stuck in it?' she laughs.

'Errrmmm…I just….maybe I should have a shower?' Her mind is awash with thoughts. If Alex is going to see her in a state of relative undress for the first time, then she wants to make a good impression and right now she is cursing herself for wearing her slightly tired, every day underwear, but then she guesses that smelling of puke is a bit of a passion killer anyway and it's not like she had planned any of this.

'The bathroom is through there' Alex says pointing down the hall, 'and it has a big strong bolt on the door, it in case you're worried I might walk in on you whilst you're all soapy'. She's smirking, teasing her, but suddenly Piper's thoughts are diverted to them being naked together and it's making her feel hot and nervous, so she hurriedly leaves the room to shower and get changed.

She closes the bathroom door behind her, not bothering with the lock and stares at herself in front of the mirror. She looks flushed and tired. This was not how she envisaged the evening going when she called Alex, in fact her brain hadn't even thought that far ahead, she just needed to hear her, to know she wasn't with somebody else and now all of this feels surreal, exciting and fucking scary.

She undresses and turns the nozzle for the shower on, waiting for the water to heat up a little. The pressure is sporadic, but the hot water feels nice against her skin and relaxes her slightly. She finishes up quickly and dries herself with a towel hanging on the back of the door, guessing that it is Alex's. It somehow feels illicit that she's using the same towel that Alex has had next to her skin, illicit, but really quite delicious. She manages to locate some mouthwash in a cupboard under the sink and gargles with it several times. She feels a little more stable now, more human. She hears a knock on the door.

'You ok in there?' Alex asks.

'Yes, sorry, I feel much better now' she says quickly pulling the borrowed clothes on' She makes her way back to the living room and stuffs her other clothes into her bag.

'You could have just put them in the laundry basket'

'I don't want you to do my laundry for me'

'I thought you'd be used to that' she laughs, 'don't you have a maid or something?'

'I'm not royalty' she grins.

Alex pours her some fresh coffee. 'Just how much did you drink exactly?' she asks, taking a beer from the fridge for herself.

'Errmmm….close to a bottle of Champagne, maybe'. She takes a sip of the drink, the warmth of it makes her shudder a little.

'Must have been some celebration'

'Polly got engaged'

'Seems to be catching' she smirks.

'Not funny Al'

'No? You normally love my irreverent sense of humour, oh wait, that's right, you don't _love_ anything about me at all do you?' she says teasing Piper about her comments over lunch.

'Asshole' she mutters under her breath, but finds herself struggling to suppress a smile all the same. She glances at the books under the coffee table and spots several by Edgar Allan Poe. 'You've read the Masque of the Red Death?' she asks spotting a yellowing dog-eared copy, precariously balanced on top of a pile.

'Yes' she says taking a seat next to Piper on the couch. She's so close that their legs are touching and rather than move, Piper is savouring the warmth and proximity.

'Don't you find him a bit dark?'

'We all have a dark side' she says, taking a sip of beer, 'we just need a bit of light to balance it out'

'So what's your light?' Piper asks, locking her gaze firmly with Alex's.

'Maybe I'm still waiting to find it' she grins.

The tension in the room immediately feels ramped up and Piper quickly averts her eyes back to her drink.

'So, you want to tell me what this is all about?' Alex asks placing the beer bottle on the table.

'Errrmm….I just got a bit drunk'

'Well duh, I figured that much out. Which one of us is the Smith grad here?' she laughs.

Even her laugh is intoxicating; raspy and heartfelt and when she's really happy, it hits her eyes in a way that is magical and glorious and just so fucking perfect that Piper's heart can barely contain itself.

'I just missed you, that's all'

'So you called me, drunk?'

'You didn't want me to?' Her heart is thumping outrageously now, maybe she has got this all wrong, maybe Alex just enjoys flirting with her and it's nothing more, maybe it's Sylvie? Fucking, goddamn, Sylvie.

'It's just that you've been acting weird for days and then tonight…' She's staring directly into Piper's eyes now, as if she's searching for the answers first hand and Piper doesn't know where to begin, because she's not even sure how she got here; when it was she realised that her feelings went beyond snatched coffees, walks in the park and discussions about why anyone would read anything written by Sylvia Plath for pleasure. Her head is swimming, but she's not sure if it's the remnants of the Champagne or something else.

'Piper?'

'I don't know what you want me to say….I just…..' she's struggling for the words now and she's beginning to wish she was drunk again, because everything seems so much easier when the edges are softer and fuzzy. She takes Alex's hand, it feels warm and familiar and fits so perfectly with her own. Piper's breathing feels stilted, because the gravity of what she is about to say has just hit, and it's scaring the hell out of her, because she knows once words are out there, everything shifts, the planes of life are re-aligned.

'When I'm not with you, I wish I was and when I am, I don't want to leave.'

Alex gets up from the couch and walks towards the window, and for a second, Piper thinks she hasn't heard. She rubs the condensation from the windowpane with the sleeve of her jumper and stares out into the frosty night. 'You're engaged Piper' she says, frustration blurring the edges of her words 'and I have no intention of being the last wild oat that you sew before you go off and live the bourgeois dream'

'What? You think this is what I'm doing?' She's feeling a little shaky now, it could be the come down from the booze, or the blood that's pounding behind her eyes, but either way, Alex's comment hits her full and hard in the chest.

'Well isn't it? We flirt, we have fun….we're friends. _You_ wanted to be friends, nothing more. Remember?' She says it likes it's a jibe of some sort and it's effective, there's no doubt about that.

'Fuck you!' Piper snaps, desperately trying to fight back the hot pin pricks of tears from spilling over, 'you don't ever get to throw that in my face, like ever, you hear me Alex?! I was doing what I thought was right'

'You mean safe?'

'What?'

'If you were with me, your cosy little suburban dream would be blown up in smoke within seconds, wouldn't it? And I don't think you can handle that and deep down you know it, so you've been keeping me at arms length all this time, fighting with yourself.' Her eyes are flashing with something dangerous now and Piper is so taken aback by the ferocity of her statement, that for a moment, she feels as though she has been winded.

'Take a look around you' she says, gesturing to the apartment, ' _this_ is me. You know why I moved here?' she says looking directly into the blues of Piper's eyes, holding them captive, 'because I couldn't afford the last place. I couldn't afford that last roach infested shithole. Everything you see here, the crappy books, posters, rickety table, that is all I own in the whole fucking world. This is literally it. I don't have any savings, any retirement provision and if a rainy day should come a knocking, them I'm royally screwed, because I will sure as hell be drowning'. She turns away from her now and stares back out of the window, her breath making fuggy patches on the glass.

'You just don't get it Al, do you? Any of this'

'We're friends' she says, without any real conviction.

'You just don't get it' Piper repeats, the words jarring in the back of her throat: almost unable to escape. 'None of that matters to me, you make me feel something I didn't think I was capable of'. She pauses, trying to regulate her breath and wishing she could rewind the whole evening, start from scratch. She glances up catching Alex's reflection in the window, the lights from the street below have softened it somehow, making her appear vulnerable and Piper has never seen that side to her before. It immediately causes her heart to wrench and she finds herself desperately fighting off the overriding urge to walk up behind her and envelop her in an embrace.

'Al, look at me please' she says softly.

'I think you're still drunk Piper, you don't know what you're saying'

She shakes her head. 'No, this is the first time my head has felt anything like clarity, for months. Al please, I need you to listen to me'.

Alex moves away from the window, the lines of her face softened. She's crouching in front of Piper now, looking directly into her eyes and Piper can't lie to her, even though she's been deceiving herself for weeks.

'So tell me then' Alex says almost whispering. 'What is it you want?'

'You' she replies firmly. 'I want you'.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Piper is lying awake in Alex's bed. Hazy light from the street lamp filters through the slats in the blinds and illuminates a messy pile of Alex's clothes in the far corner of the room. She checks the time on her phone, it's 1am, she's been tossing and turning for half an hour.

She called Larry hours ago and told him she would be staying at Polly's for the evening. He mumbled a quick response, too distracted by a film he was watching and that was that. The ease in which she was able to lie to him surprised her a little, she never thought she would be capable of that, but then she had never imagined that her world could have been turned upside down in this way either. That's the problem with life, every so often it catches you off guard.

She sighs deeply. The continuous dripping of the kitchen tap is irritating her, but if she listens carefully enough, she can hear Alex breathing, asleep on the couch in the living room. She kicks the covers off, frustrated, desperate to feel Alex next to her, but segregating themselves in separate rooms had been Alex's idea. She was convinced that Piper was still a little tipsy and might regret anything they did tonight and now Piper is wishing to god that she hadn't been drunk and sick because lying here, all she can think about is kissing Alex. What she would taste like, what she would feel like and she doesn't think she can wait a minute longer to find out.

She picks up her cell phone and dials Alex's number. She can hear it ringing in the other room and after a few seconds, she answers, her voice a little croaky from sleep. 'Piper? What the fuck?'

'I can't sleep, can you read me a bed time story?' she says grinning.

'So you called me from the room next door? You're fucking nuts' she laughs.

'Is that a no then?'

'I don't know any bedtime stories'

'Use your imagination, I'm sure that's very vivid'

'Well, you have a point there' she laughs, 'but that could be dangerous'

'That sounds like a promise' she whispers.

'But what I have in mind won't help you sleep…'

'Maybe I don't want to sleep?'

'And maybe you're still a little drunk'

'I'm not…really…'

'Piper…..'

'I'm not…..I just don't like sleeping in a strange bed by myself, it always freaks me out' she pauses, desperately wanting to feel Alex close to her, resentful at this imposed torture when she is less 30 feet away.

'Just how many strange beds have you slept in? And here was me thinking you were a proper young lady'

'There is a time and place for being proper, just as there is for being improper' she says her voice tinged with mischief and feeling a strange sort of buzz. But it's definitely not alcohol related. 'So….'

'So?'

'Will you come and keep me company?'

There's a pause and for a moment Piper thinks that Alex has hung up, but then she hears her sigh. 'I'm not sure that would be a good idea'

'Why not, because I'm engaged?' Suddenly that word feels strange, like she's referring to somebody else's situation, because the thought of being bound to anyone else, well, it just doesn't feel right at all.

'Yes…..and I don't trust myself to be that near you…in bed…'

Piper knows it shouldn't, but this immediately sends goose bumps up her spine.

'But we could just cuddle…' she says not even convincing herself.

'You want me to come in there and cuddle? And how long do you think that would last for?' Alex replies, clearly unconvinced.

'As long as you wanted it to'

'So about half a second then' she says grinning.

'Really? Half a second is all you could manage?'

'At a push'

'And then what would happen…' she asks, enjoying the turn the conversation has taken.

'I'm hanging up now Pipes, go back to sleep'

'No wait…'

'What?'

'Do you think this could work? You and me I mean?'

There's silence for a few seconds as Alex mulls it over. 'Yes' she whispers 'and that's the scary part'

'Why?'

'Because I always fuck stuff up and what we have….well I wouldn't want to ruin that' her voice sounds different now, heavy with emotion.

'Or maybe we could be an even better version of what we already are?'

'Piper and Alex version 2.0 you mean?'

'Why not?' she laughs.

'Because life isn't like that Pipes and I don't want to hurt you, not for anything in the world.'

'Why don't I get a say in this?' she says, petulantly.

'You do…but aside from anything else…well this isn't an ideal situation is it?'

They're both silent again, after all, neither of them can dispute that point.

'So just to clarify' Piper says, first to break the stillness, 'that's a no to cuddling me?'

Alex laughs, 'just go to sleep Pipes, we both have work in the morning, we can talk more tomorrow.

'But I'm frightened' she says softly.

Alex laughs, 'quit being an idiot, there's nothing to be frightened of'

'There is' Piper replies, her tone suddenly sombre as the realisation dawns on her unforgivingly.

'Really, what's so frightening?'

'I think I'm in love with you'

The line goes quiet again and this time Alex _has_ hung up. For a second, Piper is worried she's made a mistake, that her revelation has pushed Alex away and then she sees her standing in the door way, her eye's shimmering in the shadows.

'Al?' she says, getting out of bed and walking towards her. But she doesn't reply, instead she locks her gaze with Piper's, pushes her firmly against the wall and kisses her, hard and deep.

The result is electrifying, as every inch of Piper feels as if it is tingling, under some sort of strange, tantalising spell. Alex's lips are soft and hungry; a juxtaposition of tenderness and desire, endless weeks building up to this moment: a crescendo of ecstasy and yearning.

Her lips continue their trail now, as they move down to Piper's neck and collarbone, her hands caressing every inch of Piper's body as it prickles with desire and she cannot control the soft moans that are now escaping her lips. She takes Alex's hand and begins guiding it to where she desperately wants to be touched, where her longing is centred.

This is not Larry, this is not safe, pleasant love making, this is raw, passionate, dangerous. This is what she has been missing out on.

Alex.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Yo! How are we all? Ok, thank you for all your superb reviews (don't think I say that enough) but it still amazes me that a)people are still reading this story and b)they are leaving nice comments about it! But, you can never get too much of a good thing, so please continue to leave as many comments as you see fit!**

 **Ok, so this chapter is set in the 'present'. Hope you enjoy it. Let's do this…..**

A dollop of cream lands in the mug and immediately splits, leaving grainy blobs floating around in the coffee. 'Shit!' Alex exclaims. She sniffs the carton and immediately recoils in disgust.

'Aren't you supposed to check that _before_ you add it to the drink?' Piper says, still slightly groggy from sleep. Alex glances up at her, she's leaning in the doorway of the kitchen, in just a sweatshirt and looks imminently fuckable.

'Well, aren't we on top form so early in the day, Miss know it all' Alex replies, her eyes tracing Piper's bare legs, long and tanned and suddenly she's recollecting snatches of last night and how they were wrapped around her waist and she's fighting the urge to just write off the morning and take Piper back to bed, but instead she dumps the mug and it's contents in the sink.

'I suppose it's a bit optimistic to expect that you have any soy milk?' Piper asks, wandering in and opening the refrigerator door. Sickly yellow light spills out, illuminating the early morning gloom of the kitchen.

'Soy milk? That's a sure fire way to ruin a perfectly decent cup of coffee' Alex says, pulling Piper in for a kiss. She immediately withdraws a little, covering her mouth with a hand.

'What, so you're allergic to me now?' Alex says, looking a little bemused.

Piper shakes her head, 'no, not that….errmmm…' she drops her gaze to the floor, 'I'm just worried about morning breath'.

Alex immediately bursts out laughing, 'I went down on your four times last night and you're worried about me being put off by morning breath?'

'Al!' Piper says, immediately flushing with embarrassment at the bluntness of her statement.

Alex releases her from the embrace and rolls her eyes, 'fine, go brush your teeth then, if it will make you less paranoid'

'Do you have a spare toothbrush?'

Alex shakes her head, 'I don't usually do sleep overs'.

Despite the practical inconvenience of this statement, it sends a little bolt of joy through Piper; this means something, it really does, because she is the first sleep over and she's so happy at the thought she forgets all about the awkwardness and the morning breath and kisses Alex, soft and lingeringly.

'Wow, I never realised that talking about toothbrushes could have this effect on you' Alex smirks, 'what else gets you going, disinfectant? Pine scented air freshener?'

'No, but I have a real penchant for Potpourri' she grins.

'That's the dirty Park Slope in you, but don't worry, I don't think you're beyond salvation just yet' she smiles. It's a stupid, goofy unusually Alex smile, because she has never felt this way before. Never wanted any girl to hang around until the next morning, never mind share her toothbrush, but then this isn't just _any_ girl. This is Piper.

'So what's the plan for today?' Alex asks, grabbing two mugs from a cupboard and pouring more coffee into them.

Piper sighs, 'just work, my annoying boss is in today'.

'Wanna play hookie?' Alex says, grinning.

'I can't Al'

'I'll make it worth your while…'

'I'm sure you would' Piper replies, feeling herself being distracted in the most inconvenient of ways, 'but I _really_ can't, plus I've got to go home first and get a change of clothes'.

The word 'home' jars with Alex, because it snaps her back to reality in a crude way; a reminder that Piper doesn't belong _here_.

Outside the rain is hammering down. It's slowly seeping through the rotting kitchen window and forming a small puddle on the peeling ledge. Piper follows Alex's gaze to the gathering water, but she doesn't say anything, she just smiles, untangles herself from their embrace and cups her hands around the mug of coffee. Alex watches the steam coil and disappear up towards the defunct smoke alarm.

'You ok?' Piper asks, noticing that Alex has become a little quiet.

She nods, not wanting to admit that her crappy apartment is depressing her, that she prefers to spend most of her time at the store or in some cheap bar, so that she has the least amount of her day here as possible. She's not ashamed, that isn't it, just frustrated, because it seems like life is always handing her the short straw. But Piper is the exception to that, at least she would be if she didn't have that jackass of a fiancé. The thought of him hits her right in the guts, so she sips her coffee quietly, diverting her mind to the semi naked WASP standing in her chilly kitchen, the girl she made cum seven times last night. She grins at the thought.

One summer, when she was a senior at high school, she had met a girl at a gig she had snuck into. The band had sucked, so they convinced a group of frat boys to buy them some beers and they had sat on the grassy banks overlooking the parking lot and got drunk. They made out for a while and then lay on the damp ground for what seemed like hours, staring up at the night sky and in that moment, a strange euphoria had crept over her, as if nothing was beyond her reach, she just needed to dare to aim for it and right now, that's how Piper is making her feel and it's fucking glorious.

'What are you smiling at?' Piper asks suspiciously.

'Stuff' she replies vaguely.

'Hmmmm….so do you want to do something tonight?'

'Like what?'

'I can come over and cook?'

Alex stares over at the thus far, unused stove and grill. 'Errrmmm, you could certainly give it a try, but I'm not sure how successful that will be. I'm not even sure this works' she says, pulling out the rather charred looking grill pan.

'You mean you've not used it yet?' Piper asks, her eyes widening in disbelief.

'Nope'

'So what do you eat?'

'Take out….baloney sandwiches….cereal'

'You're kidding right?' Piper replies hopefully.

Alex shrugs, 'cooking isn't my thing'. It isn't and she's never really understood the point of it, especially when there's just her to take care of. Her 'homely' meals come courtesy of Diane, who cooks competently and actually seems to enjoy it. When she visits her, she makes things like chicken potpie, peach cobbler and beef stew and always sends Alex away with a large box of leftovers. Alex figures that it makes her feel useful; like a proper mother. Something to fill the increasing voids of time that are appearing between each of Alex's visits. A shard of guilt stabs her at the thought.

'Ok, well that's decided then, I'll make dinner' Piper says, taking a sip of coffee.

'You'd make such a great little fifties housewife' Alex grins.

'Oh really? And you'd be bringing home the bacon I suppose?'

'Sure I would and that would leave you with plenty of time to tend to my every need'

'Uhuh and then we could have perfunctory sex twice a week and…'

'Oh honey, _nothing_ about sex with me would _ever_ be perfunctory' she replies laughing.

They're interrupted by the ringing of Piper's phone. She disappears into the living room and fumbles about in her bag before she finally retrieves it. 'Hello' she says heading into the bedroom and out of earshot. She guesses it's the fiancé and that horrible gut churning feeling is back. They need to talk about this, because Alex has no intention of being anyone's dirty little secret, not even Piper's. The guy sounds like a sap anyway and from what information she does know about him, she cannot fathom why Piper is even with him in the first place. She returns a few minutes later.

'Everything ok?' Alex asks, pouring the remnants of her coffee down the sink.

'Yea' Piper replies, not volunteering any further information. 'Do you have any sweats or something I can borrow?'

'Top drawer of the dresser' Alex replies, unable to ignore the immediate change in mood since the end of the phone call.

'Thanks and about tonight Al….'

And so it begins, the bad news, now that the reality has kicked in.

'Let me guess, change of plan?' she replies flatly.

Piper drops her gaze to the floor, 'I'm sorry, I have an appointment that I can't get out of and by the time I come over it will be late and….'

Alex shakes her head 'I should have guessed'. She feels like a fucking moron. Clearly the implications of what they have done have just hit Piper and now the excuses will come thick and fast. She's cursing herself for making such a schoolboy error, falling for a straight girl.

'Please don't be like that, it really isn't something I can get out of'

'Forget it, it's my problem, you have a fiancé, I should have known better'

'Al, this doesn't change anything, what I said last night, I meant it'

'Sure you did, at the time, when you were tipsy and you could push your fiancé and the guilt to the back of your mind'

'No, it isn't like that' she says softly, staring into her eyes 'I promise, but I just can't explain it to you, not right now'.

'Explain what?' Alex asks confused, 'That you prefer your comfortable life to the one that you'd have if we were together?' Her agitation is spilling over into something else now; full blown anger and suddenly last night feels like a horribly naïve mistake.

'Al, it isn't like that, really, it's just complicated'

Alex laughs sardonically and from the look on Piper's face she can see that it's upsetting her, but she doesn't give a fuck. What right has she got to come barging into her life and making her feel like this? Of sneaking into the hollow of her heart and threatening to fill it with all the goodness she never imagined could be possible. No way is she going to let this happen.

'Just go Piper' she says turning away.

'Fine' she replies, her voice cracking a little. She doesn't even bother changing into the sweats, she just pulls on the crumpled jeans out of her bag from last night and within minutes she's gone.

A strange emptiness settles, the sort of echoey stillness you get when an apartment is bare and unfurnished and then Alex realises, it's not the apartment that feels empty, it's her heart.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The day had dragged and Alex was surprised that Mia hadn't handed her notice in by the end of it, given how many times she had snapped at her. But she had been in no mood for pleasantries, not today.

She opens the door to her apartment and immediately wishes she hadn't bothered, because it smells of her and that fucks Alex off. A lot. She can't be here, not right now. So she walks straight back out and takes a bus to a small bar she knows down town. She's planning on getting drunk, real filthy stinking drunk.

There's a blonde girl sitting in front of her on the bus and from behind, it could be Piper, except she knows it isn't, because Piper would never be on a bus like this, going to a dingy bar down town. She's probably safely tucked up with her fiancé at home, eating farm fresh vegetables and talking about the economic recession, like it has any real bearing on their life.

The vein in her neck is pulsing now and she wishes she could just chill the fuck out, but it's hard, because she's not used to feeling like this, not about some girl. So she tries hard to ignore the horrible contortion in her chest every time she thinks about Piper.

She leans her head against the bus window; it feels cold and damp. She closes her eyes for a moment and even that doesn't give her any respite because all she can see is Piper's goddamn smile and the way that it makes her eyes look an even more vibrant blue.

Her stop arrives and she makes here way out into the dank night. The bar is dead because it's a Tuesday night and because it looks like the sort of place you want to avoid if don't like trouble, but Alex has been used to trouble her whole life, so this place doesn't bother her. The bartender nods at her in recognition. She comes here frequently and they never really chat, just the odd word or two about a ball game that might be playing on the battered looking TV, or the shitty weather, but it's the sort of nod that stops her being a stranger and means that she's safe in a place like this.

She orders a beer and picks at the sad looking bowl of peanuts on the bar top. She glances around, there's a couple sat in a booth in the far corner, having an argument of some description, whilst a heavily tattooed man sits across from her, staring up at the news on the TV set. ' Damn democrats' he mutters, 'this country will be shot to shit if they get their way'.

Alex takes another sip of beer, avoiding eye contact and can feel her phone buzzing in her pocket. She's guessing it's Diane, she's already had two missed calls from her today, but her heart leaps a little when she sees Piper's name appear. For a second, she toys with the idea of ignoring the call, but she can't bring herself to do it, so she answers. 'Yea?' she says bluntly.

'Well, we certainly need to do some work on your telephone manner don't we?' Piper says. She's trying to make a joke, but her voice sounds nervous, edgy and that gives Alex some pleasure, because she has no intention of making this easy for her.

'What do you want Piper?' she says, feeling far too lucid. She needs more booze.

'Come on Al, please don't be like this'

'Like what?'

'A jerk'

'It's my default setting'

Piper laughs, '95% of the time yes, but I'm lucky enough to see the other 5%, so I know that isn't entirely true'.

She's trying so hard to make this better that it's almost painful for Alex to listen to, but she can't let herself get sucked in any further. 'I'm busy Piper' she replies, signaling to the bartender for a shot of Tequila.

'Are you with someone?' Piper asks, suddenly concerned.

Alex knows what she's thinking, that's she's with Sylvie or some other girl and that gives her a little pang of pleasure, but she wishes it didn't because that means she cares that Piper is jealous and she doesn't want to care, not one little bit.

'It's none of your business. Now I'm sure your fiancé is waiting for his dinner or something, so hadn't you better run along'. She's being a bitch, but contrary to making her feel better, it's making her feel worse: sick and frustrated, because the thought of hurting Piper is unbearable. This goddamn fucking girl has got her so good.

'It isn't what you think Alex, I promise you'

'So tell me then'. There's silence and Alex can guess what's coming next and she's right.

'I can't….at least not just yet'

She's reached her tolerance threshold now, she can feel her fist clenched at her side and firm hammering in her head. 'Enjoy your evening' she says hanging up.

The bartender brings her a shot and she downs it in one searing gulp before ordering another. She stares at her phone, scrolling through the numbers and stops at Sylvie's. Her thumb hovers over the dial button as the dread of spending a night alone, in the bed that Piper was in less than 24 hours ago, washes over her. But she can't do it and that pisses her off even more, because for the first time in her life, she knows what real longing is and fucking Sylvie or some other random girl isn't going to make that disappear. She takes another shot, tosses some dollar notes on the bar top and leaves.

The apartment feels even worse when she returns, because it's dark now and the shadows seem to be taunting her. She walks to the kitchen to get a beer and spots Piper's coffee cup from this morning on the kitchen counter and suddenly the emotions she has been biting back all day seem to come bubbling up to the surface, causing a huge tidal wave of pain to come crashing over her. She crouches down on the floor, holding her head in her hands, her eyes squeezed shut and waits for it to pass. The buzzer for her apartment sounds and she gets up and walks over to it suspiciously, before answering. It's Piper.

'Al?' she hesitates for a moment, clearly afraid of what her reaction is going to be 'can you let me in, I need to talk to you'

Alex doesn't speak, just presses the entry buzzer and waits until she can hear footsteps coming up the stairwell before opening the front door. 'I didn't think you would let me in' she says smiling and although Alex only saw her this morning, it seems like an infinite amount of time has passed, because her heart surges at the mere sight of her.

'Don't flatter yourself, I thought you were the pizza delivery girl' she smirks.

'How often does your pizza delivery girl tell you that she needs to talk to you?'

'That depends'

'On what?'

'How often I order pizza'

'You're such a moron sometimes' she says grinning and it feels nice again and Alex is wishing it could always be like this and that Piper wasn't some Park Slope girl with a dumb fiancé.

They wander into the living room and take a seat on the couch and suddenly the awkwardness is back and Alex feels like she needs some air and a cigarette, but the latter is the only option she has right now, so she snatches the packet up from the table, lights one and inhales deeply.

'You know smoking is bad for your health right?' Piper says chiding her.

'So are you'

'Now I know that's not true' she says, her voice soft and dripping with a deliciously seductive edge, 'because I give you pleasure'

'So do cigarettes' Alex grins.

Piper moves closer to her now and she leans over, so Alex can feel her breath on her neck. 'But not in the same way' she whispers into her ear. It has the desired effect and suddenly Alex is grinding her teeth so hard it's giving her a headache.

Piper pulls back a little and Alex turns to face her so that she's holding her gaze. 'I know this is fucked up Al, but I promise that this is real, I'm not messing you around, I need you to trust me, because if I didn't feel this way about you, then I wouldn't be here right now. I just need you to give me a little time, can you do that?'

Alex swallows hard, she looks so fucking sincere, that either she's a very accomplished liar, or there is actually some truth in what she is saying. 'Give me three good reasons' she replies firmly.

Piper kisses her softly on the cheek. 'Number one, I love you' she says, her hand sliding under Alex's t-shirt. Alex squirms pleasurably at the touch.

'Number two, I love you' she continues, gently biting Alex's ear lobe and causing a surge of desire to go coursing through her.

'And number three' she whispers into Alex's ear, so feather soft that Alex can barely contain herself, 'I love you'.

And with that, disappears Alex's last strand of resolve, as if Piper has performed some sort of elaborate magic trick.

'I guess I can't really argue with such a well reasoned argument' Alex murmurs, struggling to remain in charge of her senses.

'Uhuh' she says, her hand fiddling with the buttons on Alex's jeans, 'now how about we go to the bedroom and I show you reasons four, five and six as well'.

Alex grins. This girl is a whole lot more than she bargained for.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: So I have a bit of a cold** *** sniffles * and feeling a wee bit miserable, so feel free to send me lots of sympathetic messages to cheer me up ;)**

 **K, so today's chapter is a flash** **forward** **. It basically follows on from chapter 8, where Piper said she had a surprise planned for Alex, to make up for missing Christmas with her.**

 **There's Vauseman aplenty, so I hope it hits the spot.**

 _Alex's head is buried deep into her pillow and her arms are clasped tightly around Piper's waist. Right now, this is her most favourite place in the world and she has no intention of moving, especially as she can hear the wind howling outside. The draught from the window is catching her on the back of the neck, but if she slides under the covers a little further, it's bearable._

' _Al, we need to get going' Piper says softly._

' _Five more minutes' she mumbles, not even bothering to open her eyes and instead, pulling Piper even closer._

' _Well at least let me go so_ _I_ _can have a shower' she laughs._

' _Nope, no fucking way. I have literally just achieved the optimum position and i'm not having you ruin it by moving even an inch.'_

' _Al, do you want your surprise or not?' Piper says, managing to free herself so that she can climb out of bed._

' _Does it involve you being naked?'_

' _I'm naked right now' she replies_

 _Alex opens one crocodile eye and sighs when she sees Piper still in her pyjamas._

' _Such a disappointment Chapman, lying to get me out of bed, I'm pretty sure that's a punishable offence'_

' _Oh yea?'_

' _Yup, you're consigned to a life time with me'_

 _Piper gasps in mock horror, 'I'm not sure the punishment befits the crime' she laughs._

' _Baby, I'll sure as hell make sure it does' she grins._

 _Piper wraps her arms around herself trying to get warm. 'It's freezing' she complains, 'how do you live here like this?'_

' _I think warm thoughts'_

' _About what?'_

' _A very sexy blonde'_

' _Oh yea?' Piper replies grinning._

' _Yea, Scarlett Johansson is quite something isn't she?'_

' _Fuck you' Piper replies, throwing her pillow at her. 'She's straight anyway'_

' _They all start out that way'_

' _And then what happens?'_

' _They meet me' she smirks_

' _I'm not sure Scarlett Johansson would able to spend five minutes in this apartment considering how damn cold it is' she says, looking for a sweatshirt in the pile of clothes that is next to the bed. Alex as yet, has failed to master the art of hanging things up._

' _Well, come back to bed then, I'll warm you up' she says smiling. She looks so adorable, all sleepy and tousled haired, that Piper cannot resist. So she climbs back under the sheets and Alex pulls her so close, there's barely a hair's breadth between them._

' _Five minutes, that's all ok?'_

' _Uhuh'_

' _I mean it Al, we can't be late, the cab is picking us up in just under an hour'_

' _You still haven't told me exactly where it is we're going or what we're doing' she says, finally opening her eyes fully. She is pretty sure that she will never tire of this, of having Piper as the first thing she sees in the morning, of waking up to her warmth and it makes her realise just how much Christmas is going to drag and how empty it's going to feel._

' _Guess'_

' _It's too early for guessing Pipes'_

 _Piper kisses her full on the lips and within seconds, Alex's hands begin to wander into dangerous territory, the sort of territory that's sure to make them really late. She pulls away and raises an eyebrow. 'So it's too early for guessing, but it's not too early for_ _that_ _?'_

' _Guessing requires my brain-power, which is redundant first thing in the morning, whereas_ _that,_ _well, it's an inherent ability, so it doesn't really require much thought' she grins._

 _Piper shakes her head, 'you're unbelievable'_

' _Funny, you said that last night too, well, give or take a few moans'_

' _Al!'_

' _What? I like it when you get turned on'. She starts kissing Piper's neck softly and lingeringly and Piper is half tempted to jack the whole trip in and just stay in bed for the day._

 _Piper strokes the side of Alex's face gently with her fingertips. 'mmmmm, that feels nice' Alex replies almost purring, a content grin on her face._

' _Maybe you were a cat in a past life?' Piper teases._

' _So what you're saying is that you like stroking pussy?' Alex grins_

' _Trust you to lower the tone'_

' _Oh come on, you set that one up' she says laughing._

' _Right, your five minutes are done, up and at 'em, we need to make tracks'_

 _Alex groans and pulls a pillow over her head._

' _Ok fine, stay in bed, guess you don't want to share the shower with me then?'_

 _The statement has the desired effect, as suddenly Alex is feeling a whole lot sprightlier as she throws the covers back. However her enthusiasm is short lived, as an icy chill descends on her. Piper's right it is fucking freezing, but her landlord is not returning her calls and she doesn't have the spare cash to shell out for the repair herself right now, not until the money comes through for the t-shirt deal, so she's going to have to grin and bear it for now._

' _So, are you going to tell me where we're going now?' Alex asks, opening the dresser drawer, trying to decide what she's going to wear._

' _First stop, Grand Central Station' Piper smiles._

 _Alex furrows her brow in confusion 'and then?'_

' _And then you'll have to wait and see. Now, get yourself in the shower, I've got another surprise for you, one that I know you definitely will like' she grins._

 _Alex doesn't argue. She could get used to this._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Large bare trees flank Cold Spring station: victims of the fall. They step off the train onto the platform with only a handful of other people. The place feels deserted, but Alex guesses that's because it's mid-week and no one would have any real reason to come here. In fact, if she's honest, she's not entirely sure what they are doing here either._

 _The sky is an impenetrable grey mass and a chilly breeze carries with it an icy nip. The air feels thick with moisture. A storm is brewing._

' _Ta dah' Piper says over enthusiastically. 'So here we are, Cold Spring'_

' _Errrm, Pipes, the destination was printed on our tickets and the front of the train, I figured it out two hours ago…'_

' _Party pooper. I knew that, I just thought it was exciting that we were finally here', she replies sulkily and immediately Alex feels bad for putting a dampener on things, after all, she had looked so adorably pleased with herself._

' _But I bet it's going to be great right?' she says, attempting to be cheery, which is never easy for Alex, even at the best of times. It does the trick though as Piper's expression immediately brightens, her eyes sparkling excitedly._

' _It totally is' she grins. She pulls the ticket out of her coat pocket. 'Ok, so we're getting the 7.30pm train back, so that leaves us with around six hours to kill. So I did some research and…'_

'… _I would have been disappointed if you hadn't' Alex says teasing._

 _Piper scowls at her, 'anyway, we can go for a hike over at Breakneck Ridge and see the views of Storm King Mountain and then later, there's a candlelight tour we can go on and there's loads of cool little shops selling antiques, pottery and vintage fabrics and handbags. You know this place had a bustling foundry in the 1800's?' She continues, as if reciting from a guidebook._

' _Did you study for this trip?' Alex says laughing._

' _I wouldn't say study…' Piper replies a little sheepishly, 'I was just prepared, if we left it to you, we would just be in a bar somewhere, drinking beer and making out'_

' _I'm failing to see what the problem with that would be' Alex grins._

' _And that is precisely why I organised this trip, let's get you some culture Vause' she says grabbing her hand._

 _They find a visitor information point and enquire about the hiking trail. A portly looking middle- aged man, with round steel rimmed glasses perched on the end of his nose and very distinctive bushy moustache greets them. He immediately shakes his head at the mention of the hike. 'I wouldn't risk it today if I were you, there's definitely a storm coming' he says, nodding towards the ever darkening skies, 'and you don't want to be stuck in the middle of the trail when that happens, believe me'._

 _Piper sighs, frustrated that her intentions for the trip are already being thwarted. She'd wanted to make this really special, as some sort of consolation for the fact that Christmas was going to be so monumentally fucked up, but her plans are already going awry._

 _Alex spots the dejected look on her face. 'Hey cheer up, we still have all that other stuff that you mentioned and failing that, we can always revert to my plan; find a bar, get drunk and make out' she grins. It seems to work as Piper perks up a little._

' _You want to go and look at the shops? There's supposed to be some great vintage bags and stuff, maybe you could get some ideas for your store?'_

' _Sure' she replies._

 _They get coffee and wander around the little antique shops looking at hand painted mirrors, glassware, pottery and fabrics. Piper buys some scented candles for Alex's apartment. 'I'm killing two birds with one stone; they'll make it feel more cosy and disguise the cigarette smell that seems to lurk around.'_

' _See that's why I love you, you're so damn resourceful' Alex replies, flicking through a stack of art prints._

 _She's said 'love' almost as if it's a throwaway remark, but Piper is used to that, Alex finds it easier to deal with it in that context, either that or 'love you too Pipes', almost as if she's holding back slightly because of the situation with Larry. It's always been like that; never instigated by her in a way that doesn't attempt to make light of it. Never._

 _In all honesty, Piper can't blame her, the whole thing is a monumental mess, but it still hurts sometimes because she's banking everything on this and she needs it to work and for Alex to understand exactly what she's investing in this. Her mind flits back to the brief mention of children at the movie theater and the look on Alex's face. Since that conversation, Piper has found herself thinking about what the implications of children would mean for them and more importantly, what would happen if Alex didn't want any._

 _The pregnancy with Larry hadn't been planned, but once she had got her head around the idea and the slightly tricky first trimester, she loved being pregnant. It made her feel relaxed, content and whenever she caught her own reflection, she was much more radiant than she ever remembered being, but more than that, she felt ready; ready to be a mother and now, months later, she still felt like that. The only problem was going to be Alex._

 _Obviously she still hadn't properly ended things with Larry yet, but Polly was right. If she and Alex didn't want the same things in the long run, then what would happen? She didn't want to think about the answer._

' _You ok?' Alex asks, spotting the faraway look on Piper's face._

' _Uhuh, I was just thinking we should get some food'_

' _Sure and also, I haven't kissed you in at least a couple of hours'_

' _You getting withdrawal symptoms?' Piper says laughing._

' _Always'. She leans in to kiss her and Piper pulls away a little._

' _What's wrong?'_

' _Errrm, I don't see any rainbow flags flying around here, do you?'_

 _Alex laughs, 'so you think the towns folk are going to come out with burning stakes as soon as our lips touch?'_

' _Well…'_

' _We've been holding hands!'_

' _Friends do that'_

' _The way I've been looking at you isn't that friendly, trust me' she smirks. 'So can I kiss you or not?'_

 _Piper glances around to see if anyone is around, 'Ok, we'll do a countdown, after three…..'_

' _The fuck we will' Alex says pulling her firmly and kissing her; softly at first, but as she re-familiarises herself with the taste, it becomes harder and dangerous._

' _Al' Piper says breaking away, 'there are probably kids around'_

' _And they've never seen two people kissing?'_

' _It wasn't the kissing that was the problem, it was where your hand was going'_

 _Alex laughs, 'well you can't blame me for trying can you?'_

 _They drink beer and eat steak sandwiches at a small pub with a panoramic view of river. A sole boat glides by aimlessly, towards the stronger current upstream._

' _You reckon you could live away from the city?' Piper asks taking a sip of beer._

 _Alex shakes her head, 'I like the buzz of the city, the fact that you can remain anonymous: just another little ant, indistinguishable from the rest. It's kinda cool.'_

' _But it's nice to have peace and quiet and open spaces isn't it? The air feels fresher, better, away from the city.'_

' _City air is like a second skin, I like it, shows that you belong' she says, taking a bite of her sandwich._

 _Their conversation is soon drawn to a premature close, as the atmosphere becomes thicker and a crack of lightening snaps them out of their lazy afternoon conversation. Minutes later, a rumble of thunder is heard in the distance._

' _Well, there goes the candlelight trail' Piper mutters, binning the remnants of her sandwich and making her way indoors._

' _Ah come on, I'm sure we can find something else to do?' Alex replies._

' _We've got three hours left, what can we do in that time that doesn't involve us being outdoors?'_

 _Alex arches an eyebrow, 'you really need me to answer that?'_

 _Piper laughs, 'this was supposed to be a cultural trip Al'_

' _I can make my kissing French if that would help?' she grins._

 _Piper looks decidedly unimpressed, but they are quickly snapped back into reality by an even larger crack of lightening. It looks eerily beautiful against the backdrop of the river and suddenly Piper has an overwhelming surge of love, so she pulls Alex close and kisses her in a way that she normally only reserves for when they are behind closed doors. When Alex pulls away, she's a little breathless._

' _Wow, I wonder what the villagers would make of that' she laughs._

' _Fuck em' Piper replies firmly, her words are closely followed by the largest crack of lightening yet._

' _Looks like we've angered the gods' Alex replies as large rain droplets began to pelt them. They hurry back into the pub for shelter._

 _They order more drinks and take a seat in a booth. 'I'm sorry this hasn't gone to plan' Piper says, feeling dejected._

 _It's utterly, fucking adorable the way that she cares so much about things like this and it's all Alex can do not to kiss her again. This is one of the reasons she loves her, because she gets so passionate about the minor details, stuff that other people would take for granted or not bother with and it makes her all the more special._

' _Don't worry about it, it's been fun'_

' _Sure?'_

' _Of course' she replies, squeezing Piper's hand._

' _Shall I see if we can get an earlier train and then maybe we can have an early night?' she grins._

' _You read my mind kid' Piper disappears to the bar to enquire if they have a train timetable. She looks gloomy by the time she returns._

' _What's up?' Alex asks a little concerned._

' _Apparently the lightening hit one of the main cables at the station, so the trains are out'_

' _For the whole night?'_

 _She nods, her brow furrowed as if deep in thought._

' _So?'_

' _The bartender said there was an Inn down the road we could stay at'_

' _Great, so what's the problem then?' As soon as she asks the question, she knows it's stupid, because it all comes flooding back to her; they aren't a normal couple, the girl she is with has a fiancé and a whole other life that she is not party to. It stabs her rapidly in the chest. Piper isn't hers completely, not yet._

' _I'm going to need to make a call' she says, grabbing her cell phone out of her bag and although Alex doesn't want to look, she can't help herself. She can see seven missed calls on the display, all from Larry. Suddenly her mood is mirrored by the murkiness outdoors._

' _I'll be back in a sec' she says, disappearing to the other side of the pub._

 _Alex can only guess at the excuses she's going to be making for the fact that she won't be returning home tonight and it's making her feel sick, because she's something shameful that has to be hidden. In her entire life, she's never allowed anyone to make her feel like this and yet here she is, party to this whole fucking charade allowing it to happen._

 _A few minutes later Piper has returned and she's got that fake smile plastered on her face, the one that doesn't quite reach her eyes, the one that she reserves for awkward situations like this, when she's desperate to gloss over the issue._

' _How was it?' Alex asks bluntly._

' _How was what?'_

' _Lying to your fiancé about why you won't be back tonight'_

 _Piper's face hardens and her lips narrows as she senses that Alex is in the mood for blood. 'I'm_ _always_ _lying to him Al, you know that'._

 _She says it in a way that seems to be laying the blame at Alex's door and this riles her further. 'So this is my fault?' she replies, incredulous._

' _I didn't say that. Look, I don't want to fight with you, please?' her eyes are willing Alex to calm down, not make a drama in a strange place, but the darkness is swirling around Alex's brain and she can't deal with it. 'I'm going for a cigarette' she says, snatching the packet up._

' _It's pouring down out there, you'll be soaked'_

' _I'll stay under the stoop' Alex replies, the rain the least of her concerns. She needs some space, so that she can keep her shit together, but Piper clearly hasn't got the message as she follows her out._

' _So you're pissed at me because I had to call Larry? You know how this works, it's only three more weeks Al, we've already talked about this'_

' _We've already talked about it so I should just move on right? Wait patiently until you've done the deed and then be grateful?' The wind is being whipped up now and the rain is blowing towards them, the stoop no longer affording them any real protection._

' _Fuck you Alex, at least I have the balls to tell you I love you, you can't even manage that' she spits._

 _Alex's mind is a whir. What is she talking about? Of course she tells Piper she loves her, she must have, but she just cannot think straight right now and she can't fucking manage to light this goddamn cigarette. 'I've…'_

' _You can't remember saying it can you? because you never ever do, it's always a muttered 'love you too' or something else equally irrelevant. Admit that you're too fucking scared'._

 _And there it is, she's played her trump card and it's a helluva good one. Alex's mind is scrambled now, struggling to fathom how the conversation has spiraled into this. But she does love her, of course she fucking does, otherwise why would she be stood here, getting soaked to the skin and putting up with this bullshit situation week after week._

' _Are you doubting that I love you? Is that what this is about? Why you're reluctant to leave him?' Alex asks, her heart feeling shaky. She's praying she doesn't say yes, because that would mean that part of her is actually considering staying with Larry and Alex is as certain as she can be, that she can't handle that; not right now. Not ever._

' _Well do you love me?' Piper says, her gaze intense._

' _Of course I fucking do'_

' _So say it then' she says, as if she's throwing down some sort of challenge, 'Not in the jackass way you normally do, 'I love you too Pipes' or 'I love your laugh', say it like I say it; like you feel it.'_

 _Alex swallows hard, everything they've done, all those fragments of time they have had together, they all add up to this one moment. She has to make it count. 'I love you' she says softly, 'I love you' she repeats firmer this time, 'You've got me. Ok?'_

' _So what would you do for me?' Piper says, her tone softening, her mind reverting back to children once again._

' _Anything' Alex says, 'Absolutely anything'. Her eyes are wide now, with fear and with longing._

 _Piper knows she shouldn't, but she can't help herself from taking this as a guarantee. The kids issue will be ok now, because of what Alex has just said. And deep down she knows she shouldn't hope, but hope is all she's got and it has to be enough. So she kisses her, not caring who is watching; hungrily, until they are both soaked to the skin and the storm has passed._


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I am so exhausted that I could literally sleep standing up. Nevertheless, I have battled through and produced some semblance of a chapter. I hope you like it and if you do, let me know.**

 **Thanks for your comments and support as ever.**

 **Italics denote a flash** **forward.** **The normal font is set in the 'present'.**

 **Enjoy**

 _The Cutlass has finally packed up, so Alex has to take two buses in order to visit her mother._

 _It's bitter cold out and the first bus, which forms the shorter part of the journey, is bearable, but on the second, there's no heating and so Alex is sat shivering for half an hour, blowing into her hands to try and generate some warmth._

 _By the time she reaches Diane's apartment door, the chill has set into her bones and she's feeling tired and cranky. But she's promised herself she'll be on best daughter behaviour._

 _Her mother, as ever, is overjoyed to see her and acts as though Alex is a wounded soldier returning from battle in a faraway land. She pulls her into a tight embrace; she smells of laundry detergent and lavender; of home._

' _You too busy for your mom now?' she says, lightly admonishing Alex for failing to return her calls. She walks into the tiny kitchen and lays out two plates onto the countertop. The smell of food immediately hit's Alex's stomach hard; reminding her that she's skipped lunch today._

' _No, of course not, you know how things get…' she shrugs, hoping it's enough of explanation that Diane doesn't take it personally, but vague enough that she doesn't ask too many questions._

 _She dishes up a steaming mound of mac and cheese onto each plate, looking decidedly unconvinced by Alex's explanation. 'So you gonna tell me what's really going on?'_

' _Huh?' Alex replies, feigning ignorance._

 _Diane rolls her eyes, 'Well something is clearly up, you've been acting strange for the last month or two'_

' _Strange?'_

' _Ok, strang_ _er_ _then'_

' _Oh gee, thanks mom' Alex laughs, taking her plate into the living room and trying to get comfortable on the lumpy couch._

' _So?' Diane says, sitting down next to her and seeking out further explanation._

' _It's nothing mom….' She lies. Suddenly the food no longer seems very appetising and she remembers why she is always so reluctant to visit._

' _Promise?' she says, staring directly into Alex's eyes and trapping her._

 _Alex is incapable of lying to her when she does this. She's confessed to many things over the years in this manner: cutting class, smoking pot and stealing liquor out of the kitchen cabinet._

' _Fine' she sighs, 'I met a girl'._

 _Diane immediately stops eating and places her fork back on to the plate. 'Oh wow, that's great baby', she says excitedly, but then she spots Alex's slightly dejected expression and reigns in her enthusiasm. 'Isn't it?'_

' _Errrmmm….' Alex drops her gaze to the floor. 'It's complicated', she replies, taking a mouthful of her food, but tasting nothing._

' _How?'_

' _She's…..engaged to someone else'. The sentence makes her acutely aware that she has become the worst kind of cliché._

 _Diane's eyes are wide in disbelief, 'Oh Al honey, please tell me you're joking?'_

' _No mom, I'm not joking'. If this_ _is_ _a gag, then someone has clearly failed to fill Alex in on the punch line._

 _Diane is silent for a moment, her mind processing the information, deciding what is safe to ask next. 'So what's the endgame here, she's going to leave her fiancé right? I mean she has to surely?'_

 _Alex knows what she's hoping for, an emphatic yes, details of future plans, but she doesn't have this information, just a vague notion that New Year is going to be make or break. So instead, she just nods, but it lacks conviction. She doesn't know whether it's because she's tired, or that she genuinely doesn't know whether it's going to happen. If deep down, she doesn't trust that Piper has the bottle to ostracize herself from her comfortable existing life and walk into a world of beat up Cutlass's, draughty apartments and dingy bars. She's said all the right things, repeatedly, of course she has, but Alex has always learnt the hard way, that talk is cheap and she's hoping that this isn't going to be another lesson._

' _You don't seem that sure honey' Diane continues, picking up her fork and twisting it between her thumb and forefinger. 'Is she stringing you along?'._

 _Alex shakes her head, 'like I said, it's complicated'. She pauses, staring down at her plate, she's making excuses for Piper, so that the situation seem less fucked up than it is, but mainly, to stop her mother staring at her in that manner; emerald eyes, overflowing with pity._

' _But you really like her?'_

 _Alex nods._

' _And she's serious about you right?'_

' _Yes' she says, more confidently than she feels._

' _Well does she make you happy?'_

' _Jeez mom, can we drop it please?!' she snaps, immediately regretting the harshness of her tone. 'I'm sorry, it's just that…'_

' _You're scared'_

 _Maybe there_ _is_ _something in this mother's intuition thing after all._

' _I dunno…I just want it to all be ok, does that sound stupid?' She feels like she's eight again, having fallen over and grazed her knee, needing her mom to patch up her wounds; except this time, a band-aid isn't going to suffice._

' _No of course it doesn't, but you need to be careful Al, i'm worried you're going to get hurt. Don't let anyone take you for a ride baby, you're worth so much more than that'._

 _Alex has to resist the urge to laugh. She's in so deep that if it all goes wrong, there's only one option: drowning._

' _It'll be ok' she replies. Of course it will, this is Piper._

' _So what's she like then, this girl that's got you in this state?' she asks a little suspiciously._

 _She pauses, remembering Piper's goofy smile, the way her eyelashes flutter slightly when she's sleeping, the softness of her lips; the way every little part of her makes Alex feel._

' _Perfect chaos mom' she replies grinning. 'Perfect chaos'._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

' _Why don't I just loan you the money?' Piper says, examining a limp piece of lettuce._

 _They're eating burgers and fries at a place that looks like it's perpetually covered in a film of grease and smells of burnt onions. But it makes the best quarter pounder with cheese that Alex has ever tasted, so she comes here, a lot. Piper on the other hand, is not keen. Obviously this isn't a surprise to Alex, but it's kinda cute that Piper plays along all the same._

 _The day has been a storm cloud of crap. The t-shirt money has still not come through, even though Alex has chased the retailer twice today and so the goddamn Cutlass is still sitting in a useless heap on the street and now, to make matters worse, Piper is offering to bail her out._

 _Alex knows she's just trying to be helpful, but really, all it's doing is making her feel even worse; like Piper doesn't trust her to get herself out of this mess. She may have a point, but Alex doesn't want to dwell on that, not at this precise moment. She just wants to eat her burger and fries, drink her coke float and go home and fuck._

' _Al, are you listening?'_

' _Yea, i'm listening' she replies, taking a sip of her drink and making childish slurping noises with it._

 _Piper rolls her eyes. 'The kids over there are better behaved than you' she says, pointing at a table in the far corner._

 _Alex shrugs, which she knows will infuriate Piper further, but she's in the mood for mischief._

' _You finished?' she asks, looking at Piper's virtually untouched food._

' _I guess so' she replies, pushing the plate away._

' _Great, let's head back then, burn some of these calories off' she grins._

 _Piper shakes her head. 'Nope, not until you answer my question'._

 _Alex sighs, knowing full well where the conversation is going and she doesn't like it one little bit._

' _I'm tired Pipes, can't we just go home?'_

' _Tired? A minute ago you were trying to drag me home for sex!'_

' _Well there are different levels of tired' she smirks._

' _Honestly Alex, you really need to start prioritising'_

' _Ok fine, i'll remind you of that next time I'm giving you multiple orgasms and you're fingernails are leaving marks on my….'_

'… _Al!' she hisses, 'can you keep your voice down please, what if someone overhears us?'_

' _Then they would think how lucky you were and wonder what the fuck you were doing still sitting here and not heading home to take me up on my offer'._

 _Piper shakes her head in frustration. Alex is hoping to get her to the point that she is so fed up, she gives up and drops the subject altogether. Sometimes it works, but judging by the look on Piper's face, today, Alex is not going to be that lucky._

' _It's just a loan, why are you not even giving it some consideration? How much longer can you do without your car? Proper heating?'_

 _Alex stares out of the window glumly, watching two kids chase after each other, giggly and breathless. She tries to remember the last time she laughed like that: whole-hearted and carefree. Maybe she never has and that fucks her off some more. She needs a cigarette, a drink and some sex: preferably in that order. But the way Piper is going on, only first two are going to be possible this evening._

' _Alex? Can you at least look at me?!' she says, her voice becoming shakier as her frustration rises._

' _Look, I don't want your money, so leave it, ok?' Or the pity she wants to add, but can't bring herself to say, because that what she resents the most, being thought of as some sort of charity case. She was managing her life before she met Piper and so she can sure as hell cope now._

 _Piper purses her lips, emphasising her waspishness and making her dissatisfaction more evident as a result._

' _Don't look at me like that' Alex says, wishing they had gone to a bar instead. Booze would dull this to a manageable level, all the coke float has done is given her a sugar rush; heightening her senses and now she feels real fucking horny, except Piper is not playing ball._

' _Alex' she says softly, switching tactics, but Alex is no rookie, she's not going to fall for that._

 _Piper's hand is on Alex's thigh now, making soft lingering trails further and further upwards with each stroke. She's skipped Mrs Nice Guy and gone straight for the jugular, using Alex's libido against her. It's a genius move and in any other circumstance, she would be doffing her hat to her, but not today, not when she's sick of being reminded about what a complete failure her life is, when her 'sort of' girlfriend is offering to loan her cash just so she can carry on functioning like a normal human being. So she grabs Piper's wrist firmly and stops her in her tracks._

' _Leave it Piper' she says bluntly, her gaze hard._

' _You know what, fine, freeze to fucking death, see if I care' she replies eyes narrowed, hurriedly snatching her bag up._

 _Alex groans. This was precisely what she wanted to avoid: more fucking drama._

' _Piper, don't be stupid, I just don't want to talk about this right now ok? And I don't want your money, why is it so hard for you to understand that?' She feels so fucking exhausted, always battling something; Life, Piper…herself._

' _It's your goddamn pride, that's all that's stopping you'._

 _Alex wishes it was that simple, but it really isn't. Yes, pride is part of it, but if Piper is going to leave Larry for her, she wants her to know she can deal with this stuff: her finances, her business- all of it. And she knows that she can, of course she can, she just needs to catch a break, that's all and for Piper to understand that._

' _I can handle it Pipes'_

' _You've been saying that for weeks Al' her voice is gentler now, her eyes warm. 'You don't get it do you? I'm not offering to do this because I don't think you can manage or because I feel sorry for you, it's because I'm in love with you, even though your being a major idiot right now…..and you've bought me to a place where I'm pretty sure the food hygiene people are too afraid to visit'. She's grinning now, an equivalent of waving a white flag. 'Wouldn't you do the same for me if I needed a little help?'_

 _Alex sighs, she's got her over a barrel and she looks so fucking sincere that it's almost painful. Doleful, big blue eyes, trying to make things better, tugging at Alex's innermost core in that way that only Piper can; the place that she's crept into, without seeking permission, the place in which she now resides: immovable._

' _Fine' Alex replies, conceding defeat, 'but I'll pay you back. Soon.'_

' _Oh absolutely' Piper replies smiling 'and with interest'_

' _Interest?' Alex replies confused._

' _Yup, you can start paying that off as soon as we get back to your apartment' Piper says grinning._

 _Fucking WASP. She's got a killer sting._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

' _Hey Al, there's someone here to see you' Mia says interrupting her paperwork._

' _Who is it?' Alex replies, not bothering to look up from her desk._

 _Mia shrugs._

' _Tell me what it is I pay you for again?'_

' _To remind you that you used to be young once?'_

' _Har fucking har. Can you at least find out their name?' Alex says, frustrated at the interruption._

 _Mia twirls a ringlet of hair around her finger. 'She's hot, if that helps'_

' _No, it doesn't fucking help' Alex replies, finally averting her gaze from the papers in front of her._

' _Really? Oh yea, now that you have a little lady and everything, I don't suppose you're allowed to buy anything at the candy store any more are you?'_

' _Can you just find out who it is and quit being a moron, if it's not important, they can come back, I'm right in the middle of sorting out this invoice, it's all wrong'_

' _It's pretty important' a voice says from behind Mia. It's Polly._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _She's only just arrived and she already looks unbelievably smug. It could be because the roof is still leaking and the bucket of gathering rain water looks sad and lives up to her expectations of Alex._

' _You can go Mia' Alex says, ushering her out with her hand._

' _Oh, but something is telling me that I really_ _should_ _stay' Mia grins, sensing drama afoot._

' _Just get out will you?' Alex replies, in no mood for her bullshit._

' _Wow and I thought it was_ _just_ _Piper's friends you were rude to, I didn't realise it extended to people in general' Polly says taking a seat without even bothering to be asked._

' _So to what do I owe this pleasure?' Alex asks, sarcasm thick._

 _Polly's glancing around the room, taking in each and every shitty detail, no doubt committing it to memory so that she stick the knife in some more, next time she speaks to Piper._

' _We need to talk about Pipes'._

 _Alex laughs 'let me guess, you want to know what my intentions are for her?'_

' _Something like that'. She pauses, scrutinising Alex closely. 'You know she's been through a hard time recently right?'_

' _Yea'_

' _So she's vulnerable'_

' _And?'_

' _I just want to make sure that you're going to take appropriate care of her, that's all.' Her eyes flick back to the metal bucket, still clanking with water._

' _What exactly does appropriate care mean in your world?'_

' _The same as it means in anyone else's world'_

' _Which is?'_

' _Look, I'm sure you're great and everything, what with your wise cracks and edginess and all that…..'_

' _You forgot to mention how hot I am' Alex says, deciding to have some fun. If this prissy bitch is going to come in here trying to make her feel bad, then she's sure as hell going to make sure she leaves with something to remember her by. It works though as Polly immediately averts her eyes to the floor and flushes a little._

' _You know Piper was kidding when she said that right?' she says, attempting to recompose herself._

' _You wouldn't be the first girl in denial', Alex grins, green eyes sparkling devilishly._

' _I have a Pete…a boyfriend I mean. I have a boyfriend'._

' _Sure. So you want a drink or something?'_

 _Polly shakes her head, clearly a little thrown by the turn the conversation has taken and tries to regain control._

' _Look Alex, I've got nothing against you, despite what you might think, but Piper is my best friend and as much as I love her, she doesn't always know what's best for her.'_

' _And what makes you think that you do?' Alex replies, trying to keep her tone as even as possible. What she really wants to do is tell her to fuck right off, back to her world of twin sets and pearls and weekends in the Hamptons, but for Piper's sake, she's keeping a lid on it, because for some reason, this moron is her close friend and Alex needs to try and find some way of making this work._

' _Because we're the same' Polly replies, as though she is spelling something out that is already obvious._

 _Alex can feel her heart racing a little as the calmness is beginning to waiver. 'If she was like you, I wouldn't even grace her with a second of my time'. She watches Polly's face for a change in expression, but there isn't one, instead, the corners of her mouth turn into a small, disdainful smile, before she continues speaking._

' _Piper does this now and again, she get's bored and looks for something exciting'_

' _So now you think I'm exciting as well as hot? Careful there Poll, that's quite a crush you're cultivating' she smirks._

' _Fuck you' Polly snaps. She shuffles in her chair uncomfortably. 'I've come here to talk about Piper, not witness your 101 in flirting'_

' _I wasn't flirting'_

' _Well whatever the hell it was that you were doing' She pauses, glancing around the office. 'Look, this is all very cute, you're little set up here and I'm sure you mean well in general, but how exactly do you think this is going to work for you and Piper in the long run?'_

 _Alex can't figure out if she's trying to sound reasonable now, but if she is, she lacks even more self-awareness than Alex had previously given her credit for._

' _You mean how I am going to keep her in the lifestyle she's accustomed to?'_

' _Well, yes, in a manner of speaking' Polly replies bluntly._

' _The lifestyle where she's in a miserable loveless relationship, too afraid to leave because her fiancé is a needy jackass'_

' _Hey!' Polly snaps, 'you don't know Larry, he's a nice guy'_

' _Yea? And_ _you_ _don't fucking know_ _me_ _' Alex replies, the relative calm finally slipping out of her grasp. 'But it still doesn't stop you marching in here and interfering in_ _my_ _business does it? I get that you care about Piper, I really do and it's kinda nice, in some sort of fucked up single white female way, but you need to let Piper make her own choices, she's a big girl and she can handle it, ok?'_

 _She's hoping it will get Polly to back off, to turn and leave with her tail between her legs and think twice before she comes sniffing around here, with her goddamn Park Slope snout. For a minute, she's silenced, her cheeks flushed, her eyes glassy as she stands up to leave. She makes her way towards the door and then turns back, her narrow stare penetrating Alex's core._

' _You know she wants kids right?'_

 _She's caught Alex off guard. She opens her mouth to formulate a response, but the words in her head are just a random jumble._

' _K_ _ids_ _' Polly repeats, firmer this time. '_ _With_ _or_ _without_ _you'._

 _And then she's gone and Alex is left standing in her office._

 _Alone._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Polly has been flicking through wedding magazines for what seems like hours. A date hasn't even been set yet, but that isn't going to stop her from planning the wedding of the century. Piper was supposed to call Alex ten minutes ago, but Polly is currently on a roll about what the difference between ivory and white is; Piper really can't fathom what on earth her friend is talking about, but she continues to smile politely and sip her wine.

'It's important, because they both look totally different in photographs, see?' she says pointing to two models who look just as bored as Piper currently feels.

She hasn't spoken to Alex all day and she's missing her like crazy, marooned by this reckless, all consuming longing. The whole thing is utter madness; but in a glorious fucked up way.

She grabs her cell phone out of her bag, unable to contain herself any longer.

'Err Poll, I'm just going to duck outside and call my mom, I forgot that I had promised her'

'Sure, go ahead and then when you get back, we can discuss accessories!' she says with a disturbing enthusiasm.

Piper hurries out on to the front porch. The night is chilly and clear and she should have picked up her jacket on the way out, but she's too excited to go back and collect it now. She hurriedly dials Alex's number and waits, each ring creating a fresh wave of torture until she eventually answers.

'Hello'

Her voice immediately sends shivers down Piper's spine in the most inconvenient of ways.

'Hey'

'Hey yourself kid. So you're fifteen minutes late in calling me'

'You were counting?' she laughs

'It was an educated guess, but I'm thinking that deserves some sort of reprimand'

It's so fucking good to hear her that Piper can barely contain herself. '

'Like what?'

'You have to eat my cooking for a week'

'I think that would contravene my human rights' she laughs. 'Did you have a good day?'

'Let's just say it's improving by the second'.

'So…I miss you'

'Where are you?'

'At Polly's'

'You should be in my bed. Naked.'

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

'You still there Pipes?' she's grinning now, that much is obvious.

'Errrr yea' she replies, trying to sound as cool as possible, but the thought of being in Alex's bed has set her off on a dangerous tangent; one that doesn't involve chats about flower arrangements and bridesmaids dresses.

'So when should I expect you?' Alex says, with a level of assuredness that Piper finds unbelievably sexy.

'What makes you think I'll be coming?'

'Well, cuming has never been a problem for you before' she says, her voice dripping with temptation.

'I can't, Polly….' Piper replies with the most ineffectual level of resistance she's ever mustered.

'Forty minutes?'

'Al, I really can't….'

'Half an hour?'

'Al…'

'Twenty minutes?'

She sighs; resistance is futile. 'Give me ten' she says grinning.

Polly will understand.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Here's to the freakin weekend, hurrah!**

 **Much gratitude as ever for your fantastic reviews and comments, please continue to drop me a line, because it's always good to know what you like, no?**

 **This whole chapter is a flash** **forward** **and it's made me feel awfully festive! Let's see if it tickles your Yuletide fancy.**

 **Enjoy.**

 _They're squeezed together, lying on the couch, legs entwined. A bad cop drama plays in the background, but the volume has been turned down. A late evening frost settles on the window, forming glittery patterns. Piper props herself up on her elbow, her fingertips brushing a stray eyelash from Alex's cheek._

 _'You've been quiet this evening' she says, kissing Alex lightly on the lips._

 _Alex makes a non-committal sound. She hasn't told Piper about Polly's visit earlier in the day, she doesn't see the point, because then they would have to discus what Polly meant. Instead, her eyes flick to the fairy lights and tinsel that Piper has hung around the place to make it look festive and the prettily decorated presents under the tree, that she's forbidden from opening until Christmas day._

 _'Kids, with or without you' Alex's mind chides_

 _'So, I was looking at apartments today' Piper continues, bright eyes fixed on Alex, watching closely for a reaction._

 _'Apartments?'_

 _'Well yea, we're gonna need somewhere to live right?'_

 _Alex doesn't like talking about the long term too much, she prefers living in the here and now. Looking ahead means pulling on a thread of hope and she knows all too well how quickly that can unravel._

 _'What's wrong with this place?'_

 _Piper shifts her position so that her weight is transferred slightly and she's pressing on top of Alex a little. It feels nice and the warmth and closeness is turning Alex on, but she doesn't think now is the time to suggest that they move to the bedroom._

 _'Nothing's wrong with it...really...' Piper replies unconvincingly, 'but it's not big enough for the two of us...the future'._

 _Alex immediately bristles at the context in which she uses 'future' as if there's going to be an add on...a child shaped add on. They should talk about it, god knows they need to, but Piper's going to be leaving for Christmas in four days and Alex doesn't want her to depart on a sour note and the mention of kids is sure to turn everything to shit pretty quickly. So she just kisses her full and hard instead. Her lips are soft and inviting and Alex's mind flits to the bedroom once again, of searing skin and moans of pleasure, but then Piper pulls away and resumes the conversation._

 _'The apartment above the bookstore is going to be available. It's super cute, two bedrooms and has a ton more space than this place'_

 _'Uhuh' Alex says, snatching up the remote control from the floor and flicking to an infomercial._

 _'Al?'_

 _'Yea?'_

 _'Why do I get the impression you could not be less interested in what I'm saying?' Her brow is knotted in frustration and Alex feels bad, because Piper's so excited about the prospect of their own apartment and she's acting like a jerk, but she's omitted to mention the cost of the rent, so Alex knows this isn't going to bode well._

' _How much is it?' she says, her eyes still glued to the demonstration of the cleaning product on the TV._

' _Errrmm, well, why don't we look at it first and then we can figure all that stuff out later' she says, nuzzling into Alex's neck, desperately trying to deflect._

' _How much?' Alex repeats, firmer this time._

' _I'm not entirely sure, maybe a few hundred more a month than this place?'_

 _She's being vague and there's only reason for that; it's much more than Alex can afford and she knows that. Piper earns a reasonable amount managing the bookstore, much more in fact than Alex makes, but between the two of them, there's no way they'll be able to afford an apartment like that. It's bigger and in a much more up market area for a start. Something is amiss._

' _Quit bullshitting Piper, just tell me how much extra a month it is compared to this place' she says flatly._

 _Piper sighs, '$600 give or take what we can knock off through negotiations….but…'_

 _Alex turns the TV off and scrambles up from the couch. 'Jeez Piper, how the hell do you think we're going to be able to afford that?'_

 _Piper sits up, her eyes fixed resolutely on the window. 'I have some money' she says, almost in a whisper, 'plus one of the managers from head office called me earlier today and she reckons that I could be in line for a promotion, so I'd be overseeing all the stores in the area'. She pauses briefly as if mulling something over, her fingers picking at a loose thread on the couch. 'And I have money. My grandmother gave us all a bunch of cash a little while ago. She said she wanted us to enjoy it now, not have to wait until she's six feet under'._

 _Alex shakes her head, 'no way, I'm not living in some place that_ _you've_ _paid for'. She can already picture Polly's face at the news of how they were able to afford apartment. The disdain for deadbeat Alex would be soaring to new heights._

' _It's my money Al, I can use it how I like and I really want us to have this place, you'll love it, trust me' she says, pleading a little. But Alex is unmoved._

' _Anyway, how would granny feel if she knew you were using it to shack up with your lesbian lover?'_

' _She's very open minded actually'_

' _What, don't tell me you get Sapphic vibes from granny Chapman?' she laughs._

' _Ewwww, Al! That isn't what I meant, but will you please think about what I've said?'_

' _Piper…'_

 _She huffs sulkily, 'What's the point of having $50,000 when I can't use it for what I want?'_

 _Alex's eyes widen a little when she hears the amount. 'How much?'_

' _$50,000, she gave the same to Danny and Cal too, but Cal's probably squandered his on some hair brained scheme already' she laughs._

 _Alex imagines what that amount of money could do to help Diane. She could move out of that rundown neighbourhood and maybe take a holiday. But these types of windfalls are not written into the fate of people like Diane and Alex; no, instead,_ _they_ _are the babies of payday loans, salary advances and overdue utility bills._

' _Why do we need a two bedroom apartment anyway?' Alex says, hoping to blow the idea out of the equation with logic._

' _So friends can come and stay….your mom could come visit?' Piper reasons._

' _So we're paying $600 a month extra on the off chance my mom comes and visits?'_

' _It isn't just that, it's in a nicer district….it's closer to work for both of us….just see it, please, you'll fall in love with it I promise you' she says, imploring, eyes wide with hope._

' _There's no point Pipes' Alex replies wandering into the kitchen and returning with a bottle of beer. 'I can't afford it'._

' _But my promotion….and we can work on a strategy for your store, generate some new business, get some new leads.'_

 _Alex can see how much this means to Piper and in a way it makes her happy, because she's planning a future for the two of them. But Polly's words keep plaguing her thoughts and then of course there's the goddamn fiancé. She needs to compartmentalise, deal with one issue at a time and screwing up her finances is a sure fire way of making things a whole lot worse._

' _I can't Piper….'_

'' _Why do you have to be so goddamn stubborn all the time? I thought we were a team?'_

' _Yea, you me and Larry' she mumbles resentfully._

' _Wow, so you really want to go_ _there?'_

 _Alex sighs, she really doesn't, she just wanted a quiet night: some food and beer and as much of Piper as she can get before she leaves for the holidays._

 _She takes a seat next to her on the couch. 'I'm sorry' she replies, 'I'm just agitated with stuff'._

' _What stuff?'_

 _She shakes her head, 'it doesn't matter. She doesn't want to go into the detail of the 'stuff', about this afternoon and Polly's rather blunt parting statement. 'Look, if you really want to see the apartment we can, but I'm not making any promises ok?'_

' _Really?' she says, jumping up excitedly._

' _Sure'_

' _Great, I'll see if there's an opening tomorrow around lunchtime?'_

 _Alex smiles, ignoring the continued utterance of her sub conscious: 'Kids with or without you'._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _The apartment is as expected; light, bright, spacious and characterful; basically everything Alex's place isn't. But it's still a fuck load of money that Alex simply does not have. So they've argued about the cost again and Piper has stormed back to the bookstore in a sulk._

 _Alex chews the end of her pen, staring glumly at the accounts for the store, wishing she could magic some funds from somewhere._

 _This isn't like borrowing a few hundred dollars to fix the car: a one off. This is selling part of your life away to someone else and she's not prepared to do that. No matter how happy it might make Piper._

' _I think this cake might be tastier than that pen' Piper says standing in the office doorway and holding up a brown paper bag._

' _Hey'_

' _I've come to say sorry'_

' _What for?'_

' _Being a princess'_

' _No change there then' Alex grins._

' _Fine, I deserve that' she says taking a seat on the opposite side of Alex's desk. 'It's just that I want something that's ours, that's all' she says, pouting a little._

' _But we can still have that, just pick somewhere that isn't going to financially ruin us'._

' _It won't though. With my grandmother's money and if I get my promotion….'_

'… _Exactly,_ _if'_

 _Piper throws her a scowl and carries on, 'I've worked out that we_ _can_ _afford it'_

' _We're going round in circles Piper' Alex replies. She can feel herself becoming irritated by the situation, but she knows it will only make things worse, so she's trying to remain as rational as possible._

 _Piper sighs, 'If I want to use the money for this, why is it such a problem for you?'_

 _Alex shakes her head, there's no way to make her understand. She wants to make Piper happy, of course she does, but Alex needs to prove to herself that she can do this, that she's not dependent on anyone else: not Piper and certainly not granny Chapman. The clothes store is the first thing that's she's not fucked up and finally, just when there seems to be a little light at the end of the tunnel, Piper drops this on her. But she can make this work, it's a viable business, she's sure of it, she just needs a little time and for Piper to be on board with that._

' _How about over Christmas I look for some more places?' she says, trying to compromise; another recently acquired concept._

' _Maybe' Piper replies sulkily, 'but won't you be busy?'_

 _Alex laughs, 'there's only so many times I can watch The Wizard of Oz with my mom'. She knows exactly how Christmas day will pan out. They'll eat roast beef, Alex will get drunk by 2pm, collapse in a heap on the sofa, nap, catch some cheesy festive TV in a haze, eat some cold cuts, drink some more, nap some more and in between, Diane may be able to coax her into some conversation or even scrabble._

' _Fine' Piper concedes, but nowhere is going to be as great as that apartment, you said yourself it was amazing'._

' _Pipes…..'_

' _Ok, I'm sorry' she replies, trying to lift her mood. 'You should try this apple cake though, it tastes really good' she says, handing Alex the bag._

 _Alex opens it and takes a bite. 'Mmmm, it's good' she says, getting a mouthful of orange zest and cinnamon sugar._

' _So am I forgiven for being a brat?' Piper asks, walking around the desk to where Alex is sat._

' _I'm not sure that I should let you off the hook that easily….'_

' _How about if I tell you that I popped home before I came here and that I've got an early Christmas present for you' she says, her eyes glimmering seductively._

' _Oh yea?'_

' _Yea'_

' _Where is it?'_

' _Right in front of you, wearing black lace, Victoria's Secret underwear' she whispers._

 _Alex swallows hard. 'I don't remember asking Santa for this?' she grins._

' _Well' she says, sitting on Alex's lap and wrapping her arms around her neck 'Santa only deals with good girls and you Ms Vause, well, you've been_ _very_ _bad…'_

 _Alex can feel Piper's breath on her neck, it's warm and tempting and sends a shiver right through her core._

' _So what happens to bad girls then?'_

' _Bad girls?' Piper says, beginning a trail of kisses along Alex's jawline, her fingertips sliding under Alex's top. 'Well…they get me'. She can feel Alex squirming pleasurably beneath her, lips parting, releasing shallow, rapid breaths._

' _Mmmmm…maybe I should be bad more often then…' she replies raspily, her lips seeking out Piper's, but Piper pulls back slightly, holding her gaze, hot and intense. 'I love you' she whispers 'and…'_

' _And..?_

' _And now, I'm going to make you cum'_

 _Alex grins, 'See, this is why I fucking_ _love_ _Christmas'._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _It's the evening of December 23_ _rd_ _; the last day that Piper is going to see Alex before Christmas. She lets herself into the apartment and finds Alex lying on the couch reading a book, tapping a foot absent-mindedly to a Motown CD that is playing on the tinny sound system. There's an empty pizza box on the floor, a bottle of beer next to it and packet of cigarettes on the coffee table. She's so engrossed in what's she's doing that she doesn't hear Piper come in. The fairy lights cast pinkish yellow hues across the room, softening everything, making it appear warmer and more appealing._

' _Hey' Piper says gently, walking across to Alex and kissing her on the lips. She tastes salty._

' _Oh hey' she replies, shifting her position so she's sitting upright. She places the book, flat on the table. Piper glances over at the title._

' _Hemingway & Bailey's Bartending Guide to Great American Writers?' she says, looking a little confused._

' _I'm doing some research'_

' _For what, becoming a middle aged alcoholic man?' she laughs._

' _Errrm, not quite. I was going to speak to you about it when you got back after the holidays, but I've taken another job'_

' _Another job?'_

' _So your hearing's working, that's good to know' Alex grins._

' _As what?'_

' _A Mixologist-at a bar up town. Mia's uncle owns it'_

' _Why?'_

 _Alex removes her glasses and places them on the table. 'I was doing some sums and if I pull enough shifts a week at this place, add in some tips and get some repeat business for my t-shirts, which I finally got paid for today, then I can just about cover my half of the rent and bills on the place you want'_

 _Piper is staring at her blankly as if she's struggling to process the information._

' _Ok, I was hoping for more of a positive response' Alex laughs._

' _I'm sorry, I …I just wasn't expecting you to go out and do that. All week you've been adamant that it was unaffordable'_

' _Yea, well I like a challenge'._

' _So a Mixologist?' she says, picking up the book and leafing through the pages, 'isn't that just a bartender that makes cocktails?'_

' _Well only if you want to be a bitch about it' Alex grins 'But yea, it is, except the pay's better because it's at an upmarket place, plus I reckon I can clean up in tips'_

' _And you're doing all of this so that we can get that place?'_

' _No, I'm doing it because I have a burning desire to serve yuppie assholes Woo Woo's all night long, what do you think?'_

' _I think we're going to need to work on your people skills if you want those tips' Piper laughs._

' _Depends on the clientele'_

' _You think people are going to tip you for being a jackass?'_

' _A flirty jackass.'_

' _Have you even worked in a bar before?'_

' _I've been pouring myself drinks since I was fifteen, that's got to count for something right?'_

 _Piper doesn't reply, she just kisses her, warm and deep and doesn't pull away for what seems like minutes. When she does, Alex is a little bemused. 'What was that for?'_

' _Just because…'_

' _Just because what?'_

' _You're amazing, I love you and I can't believe how lucky I am'_

' _Wow, three nice things? I would have just been happy with 'competent at grilled cheese' she laughs._

' _But I don't want you to do it' she says, her tone switching suddenly: flat and firm._

' _What? Why? Because of the flirting thing? I'll totally restrict it to ugly people if that helps?' she grins._

 _Piper shakes her head, 'No, I'll never get to see you and you'll be exhausted all the time'_

' _I'm exhausted all the time now…..albeit for different reasons' she teases._

' _Al, I'm being serious. I can't tell you how much it means that you would do this for me, but…'_

' _But nothing, I can totally do this' she replies adamant, snatching the book back, 'it might even be fun'._

' _Until you have assholes hitting on you night after night and then you have to get up and go to the store early the next day'_

' _I've got Mia' she reasons 'it's about time she actually started pulling her weight anyway. Let me do this,' she says softly, 'for you'._

' _For us'_

' _For us…..we can trial it and if things get really terrible,_ _maybe_ _we can think of dipping into granny Chapman's pot'_

' _You couldn't have thought of a better way to put that, no?'_

 _Alex laughs, 'you may have a point, it does sound kinda dirty'_

' _Gross. It sounds gross.'_

' _Let's make a toast' she says, grabbing the beer bottle from the floor, 'to granny's bottomless pot'_

' _Alex!'_

 _She laughs. Things will be ok. Definitely. Maybe._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _ **Phone call number 1**_

 _ **Christmas Eve- 9.30am**_

' _Hey'_

' _Hey Al'_

' _Missing me yet?'_

' _I left your bed like half an hour ago'_

' _So?'_

' _So it's probably still warm from me'_

' _It isn't, I'm still lying here. Doesn't even smell of you anymore'_

' _You do realise that sounds a bit creepy right?'_

' _That's the last time I bother with romance'_

' _Maybe you should' she laughs, 'if that's the best you can muster. I've got to go, I haven't packed yet. Speak later?'_

' _Sure'_

' _Bye Al'_

' _Bye'._

 _ **Phone call number 2**_

 _ **Christmas eve 11.45am**_

' _Hey'_

' _Hey Al'_

' _Missing me yet?'_

' _A tiny bit'_

' _Scale of 1 to 10?'_

' _Like a 6 maybe?'_

' _Only a 6?'_

' _I can still remember what you taste like'_

' _What_ _do_ _I taste like?'_

' _Something addictive…something delicious._

' _Like a Krispy Kreme?'_

' _Maybe'_

' _There's a joke to be made here about a glazed ring'_

' _Please don't make it'_

' _I won't' she grins. 'All packed?...Pipes… you still there?'_

' _I'm nodding'_

' _Idiot'_

' _I love you too Al'_

' _You're crazy. Call me later?'_

' _Always'_

 _ **Phone Call number 3**_

 _ **Christmas eve 16.53**_

' _Hey'_

' _Hey Al'_

' _Missing me yet?'_

' _Yes'_

' _What do you miss?'_

' _Your modesty'_

' _Forever the joker'_

' _What are you doing?'_

' _Trying to see how many fudgsicles I can eat before I feel sick'_

' _Good to see you're making productive use of your time'_

' _Hey, it's nearly Christmas, anything goes, and so far I've managed six'. She lights a cigarette and opens the window allowing the smoke to escape. The air seems eerily still and crisp. 'I think it's gonna snow'_

' _You ever made snow angels?'_

' _Nope'_

' _Not even when you were a kid?'_

' _Nope'_

' _That's so sad'_

' _Is it?'_

' _A little'_

' _I'll have to take your word for it'_

' _I've got to go, we're leaving in a couple of hours'_

' _Have fun'_

' _Have you ever meant anything less?'_

' _Never' she grins._

' _I'll call you later'_

' _Sure….and Al…'_

' _Yea?'_

' _No more fudgsicles, ok?'_

 _She laughs. 'K'._

 _ **Phone call number 4**_

 _ **Christmas eve 21.45**_

' _Hey'_

' _Hey Al'_

' _Missing me yet?'_

' _A lot'_

 _She smiles. 'How much is a lot?'_

' _Look out of your window and you'll see'._

 _Alex walks over a little bemused and stares out into the inky shadows. Piper's standing under the glow of a street lamp. She's wrapped up in a coat and scarf, a bag in each hand, and a big grin plastered across her face like a goofy, excitable kid._

' _You're here?!'_

' _I left him'_

' _You did, you really did' she says, failing to hide her relief or the overwhelming joy. 'But you said New Year?'_

' _I figured that Christmas is about being with who you love, like heart thumping love….'_

 _Alex is grinning now, so broadly, she's convinced her jaw will seize up._

' _That was a bit Hallmark, but I'm willing to make an exception on this occasion' she laughs; it escapes from her throat, hard and true._

' _Get your ass up here, we've got some celebrating to do' she says, moving from the window to the intercom and buzzing Piper in. 'I can't believe you did this' she says gleefully down the phone, only hanging up when they're finally face to face in the apartment doorway._

' _You were right' Piper says, dropping her bags to the floor and dusting herself off', 'it is snowing'._

 _Her cheeks are a little pinched from the cold, but Alex cannot help but think how fucking glorious she looks. She wraps her arms around her and pulls her in for a kiss; the warmth a welcome relief to Piper. 'Merry Christmas Al' she whispers_

' _Merry Christmas' she replies smiling._

 _She_ _was_ _right- about the snow_ _and_ _about Piper._

 _She was right._

 _Totally right._

' _Hey Pipes?' she says, pulling away a little._

' _Yea?'_

' _Maybe we can try snow angels tomorrow?'_

 _She laughs, 'Sure. Anything you want Al, anything at all'._


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Errrrm, well hello again all. First off, thank you so much for the phenomenal response to the last chapter. Who'd have thunk that some mushy Vauseman would have gone down so well eh? ;)**

 **Ok, so for this chapter, the present is now where we left the last chapter, i.e. Piper has split up with Larry. The flash** **forward** **is skipping around two years ahead (so still in Winter time).**

 **Hope that all makes sense. It goes without saying, but I'll repeat it again anyway- if you like it, please leave a comment or drop me a message. It's always marvelous to read them. If you don't like it, you can still leave a review of course, but you won't be on my Christmas card list. So there.**

 **Ok, so here's the next installment…**

 **P.S. I think this chapter may be bordering on an M rating in one bit, so if you're horny and underage, get your kicks elsewhere. Sorry.**

 _Last Fall_

 _The lumpy couch at Diane's_

 _A continuous alcohol induced haze_

 _A near miss with a girl_

 _A girl's near miss with you_

 _Clinically neat lines of white powder_

 _Bathroom stalls_

 _An acute pain; slicing through your soul._

 _Emptiness._

 _Longing._

 _Rain_

 _Broken promises_

 _Chasing shadows_

 _More rain_

 _Whispered conversations in the still of the night._

 _Polly Harper_

 _Courting the Devil_

 _Blood..._

 _...Piper Chapman's broken heart._

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' _Al….Alex! Come here!' Piper yells from the bathroom._

 _Alex groans; it's Sunday, a supposed day of rest, but none looks like it's forthcoming. She glances at the clock on the bedside table, it's 7.30am, she only got back from the bar four hours ago. A fight had broken out and some Wall Street moron had gotten hurt, so she had to hang around whilst the police questioned everyone that was present._

' _Al…'_

' _Pipes, seriously, can this not wait?' she shouts, 'have you found another grey hair or something? Because like I said before, you really can't notice it and if worst comes to the worst, you can always start wearing a hat...'_

 _There's silence and for a moment Alex thinks that whatever 'emergency' Piper was having has managed to resolve itself. She uses the opportunity to yank the duvet over her head so that it completely covers her and then buries her head deeper into the pillow, but her respite is short lived as she hears the gentle padding of footsteps nearby._

' _Al, did you not hear me calling you?' Piper says breathlessly. Her tone is strange and immediately makes Alex concerned. She throws the covers off, blinking sleep from her eyes. Piper is standing at the foot of the bed, she's holding something in her hand. Alex grabs her glasses from the nightstand and puts them on._

' _What's wrong?' she says, scrambling out of bed._

' _It's two lines!' she says 'It's two lines! So that means…'_

 _And then Alex realises what it is that she's holding in her hand: the small white stick, that's going to change everything,_ _forever_ _._

' _You're pregnant', Alex says in a daze._

' _We're going to have a baby!' she yelps, throwing her arms around Alex, 'Can you believe it?!' she says beaming, eyes sparkling with joy._

' _Uhh, you sure?'_

' _Of course, look' she says, pulling away from the embrace and thrusting the stick in front of Alex's nose._

 _Alex takes a deep breath, there's no mistake; there are two very prominent, blue vertical lines. She takes a seat on the edge of the bed, allowing the news to wash over her._

 _It shouldn't be a surprise, they have been trying for over a year after all. But after a couple of failed attempts, each with a different donor, Alex had sort of written off the third attempt as unlikely to happen and instead, busied herself with the bar and her business, pushing thoughts of a possible pregnancy to the back of her mind._

 _But now here they are. There's no going back and it's scaring the utter shit out of her. Memories of last Fall come flooding back, the pain still vivid and she almost has to physically bite back the feeling so that her emotions don't come rippling to the surface._

' _Al, you ok?' Piper asks, taking a seat next to her on the bed, 'this is what you want, right?' she says, uneasily, knowing full well what Alex is thinking, of what almost broke them._

 _Alex's throat suddenly feels dry, and she's not sure what to say or do now that it's finally happening. Piper is carrying something that is going to be wholly reliant on Alex not fucking up and the thought is sitting heavy, in the pit of her stomach._

' _Al?'_

' _Sorry, I'm just…..well, it was just a shock'_

' _A good shock though right? I mean we've been planning this for like forever?' she says, the lines on her face etched with concern._

' _Of course….although maybe you should do another test just to be sure?'_

' _This is the fourth one I've done, the other three are in the bathroom' she says grinning._

 _Obviously. There's no way Piper would be slap dash about something like this, she arranges all their CD's in alphabetical_ _and_ _chronological order for fuck's sake._

' _I just can't believe it' she says, pulling Alex in for a kiss, 'you're gonna need to clear your junk out of the spare room and then we can decorate. I reckon a neutral colour scheme, I don't like gender defined blue and pink, it's so restrictive, don't you think?' She's rambling now, in that signature Piper way, her thoughts motoring quicker than her mouth._

 _Alex can't remember the last time she saw her look so excited and happy and her smile lifts her eyes in a way that makes the blue hues dance so resplendently, that she looks even more beautiful and Alex is sure that she's just fallen a little more in love with her. But it's a bittersweet pang; a juxtaposition of her reality and Piper's._

' _I've got to tell Poll, she'll be so excited that Finn is going to have a play mate!' She says kissing Alex on the cheek._

' _Wait a second Pipes, don't you think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself?'_

' _What do you mean?'_

' _Well you need to get checked out by the doctor first…you know, confirm everything'_

' _Al, i've just done_ _four_ _positive pregnancy test, I'm pretty sure I'm_ _with child_ _! Besides, it feels right this time, like when I was…you know' she tails off, trying to push the miscarriage with Larry to the back of her mind, to not allow it to dull her present state of elation._

' _Sure ok, but we still should get it confirmed and don't people normally wait until the 12 week scan before they start telling everyone? Just to be on the safe side?' she reasons._

' _But Polly's my best friend' Piper replies, looking a little dejected and making Alex feel bad 'and maybe we can tell Diane too? And Cal and also Mia'._

 _Alex cannot help but laugh at this. 'So basically everyone in our immediate family and friendship circle?'_

 _Piper shakes her head, 'no, not everyone, not my parents….definitely not them….not until we have to'_

' _And when's that gonna be?'_

' _When the baby is ready to go to college?'_

 _Alex grins 'and you don't think they may notice before then? Like when you're heavily pregnant?'_

' _We could just tell them I've got fluid retention or something?' she grins._

' _Hmmmm….not sure they will buy that…'_

' _You'll still love me when I get all fat, won't you?'_

' _How fat we talking?' Alex replies deadpan._

' _Al!' Piper replies, slapping her on the arm._

' _Don't worry, we'll have you on that treadmill and back into those skinny jeans before you cay say 'baby weight'. She laughs._

' _Fine' Piper says pouting and crossing her arms in defiance._

' _Oh come on, you know I'm just kidding, you'll still look great I bet, all glowy and shit…..'_

' _Wow, way to go with the compliments; be still my beating heart'_

' _You know what I mean, you'll still be you, just a more amazing version….carrying a baby'. She almost has to force the final words out as a fresh wave of realisation dawns on her. She swallows hard, trying to quell the panic that's threatening to submerge her._

' _Our_ _baby', Piper corrects._

' _Uhuh'_

' _You think we should do what celebrities do and name the baby after a fruit or something?'_

' _Like what?'_

' _I dunno…Persimmon?' she laughs._

' _Only if you want the kid to end up in therapy before it hits its teen'._

' _We're gonna be ok though right?' she asks, her tone suddenly more solemn._

' _Yea, of course' Alex says smiling._

' _It's just that everything just seems so perfect and whenever I feel like that, I always think something bad is waiting around the corner.'_

 _'Last Fall' her mind hisses sharply._

' _The only thing waiting around the corner for you is going to be morning sickness, lack of bladder control and elasticated pants' Alex says teasing 'and that's just the good bit'_

 _'Remind me why I'm with you again?'_

 _'We don't have enough time to go through all those reasons' Alex says yawning, her lack of sleep catching up with her now that the adrenalin from the news appears to have subsided a little, 'but roughly they are: because I'm hot, I'm great in bed and I'm hot'_

 _'You missed out arrogant asshole'_

 _'So you admit the other two are true'_

 _'Idiot' she laughs._

 _'How about to celebrate, I make breakfast'_

 _'You mean cereal?'_

 _'What?'_

 _'That's your idea of making breakfast'_

 _'You don't have much faith in me do you?'_

 _'When it comes to cooking, no!'_

 _'I can make French toast'_

 _'You can?' Piper says a little incredulous._

 _'Sure, I've seen my mom do it a dozen or so times'_

 _'Al, that isn't the same thing and we still have the scorch mark on the kitchen worktop from your last culinary attempt, so maybe I should cook?'_

 _'Absolutely not' Alex replies, 'I'll call Diane for the recipe, how challenging can it be for someone that's read and understood Chaucer and Joyce?'_

 _'You still watch Sesame Street Al'_

 _'It's called being a rounded individual'_

 _'Hmmmm'_

 _'Ok, that's settled, French toast' she says wandering to the kitchen. This is a good distraction, this is exactly what she needs right now, they can think about the baby later…..much later….._

 _It will be fine._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Her phone is buzzing She checks the time, it's 6.17am. Who the fuck is calling at this time on Christmas Day? She checks the display, it's Polly. 'Shit' she mutters, scrambling out of bed, trying not to disturb Alex. She pulls on a sweatshirt and heads into the living room, closing the bedroom door behind her gently.

'Hello?'

'Piper?'

'Hey Poll'

'What the fuck is going on?! Larry turned up on our doorstep an hour ago, drunk, he says you finished with him?'

'Merry Christmas to you too Poll' Piper mutters.

'That's all you've got to say?'

'Well you kept telling me to end it, seems like I can't win'

'Not on Christmas fucking Eve! That's such an asshole thing to do!'

'But it would be fine to leave Alex alone on Christmas Eve?' she snaps, a little louder than she intended.

'You've known her for five minutes, don't you think Larry deserved a bit more than this?' she hisses.

'I don't need you to make me feel bad about this Poll, I already feel like shit, but I couldn't keep lying to him and it wasn't fair on Alex either'

'You couldn't have waited a few more days?'

'No. No I could not.' She replies flatly.

'Did you tell him that you're with someone else?'

'No…why, has he said something?' She asks, suddenly feeling a little panicked.

'He's not said much that's making sense, Pete is trying to sober him up with some coffee right now.'

Piper sighs. She had hoped that ending things would leave the complications behind, but it seems she was mistaken. 'Look Poll, I'm sorry you've had to get involved with this, but really, there was never going to be a good time to do it'.

She can hear Larry mumbling in the background now. 'Is that her? Pipesssss….' he slurs.

'Fuck' Piper mumbles.

'Pipessss, come back I love you….we can fix this….'

'See what I'm having to deal with?' Polly snaps.

'I said sorry, I didn't know he was going to head to yours did I?'

'I swear to god Piper, this woman better be worth it, because from what I've seen so far, I think you're making a mistake'.

'Thanks for the vote of confidence, have a great day' Piper says hanging up.

She knows she shouldn't have lost her cool like that, but she's sick of Polly being so down on Alex all the time, refusing to give her a chance. She takes a seat on the couch, shivering a little, she's not sure if it's from the cold or the adrenalin that seems to be coursing through her, but either way, her head feels scrambled. The last 24 hours have been crazy and she can barely remember how she got here.

'Hey kid, Merry Christmas' Alex mumbles sleepily from the doorway.

'Oh hey, Merry Christmas she smiles. 'Did I wake you?'

'Yea, but it's ok'

'I'm sorry'

'Who was on the phone?'

'Polly'

'Ugh. What did _she_ want?'

'Errmmm, nothing important, you want coffee?' she says getting up and wandering to the kitchen. Alex follows her, refusing to be fobbed off so easily.

'Nothing important but she phones you at the crack of dawn of Christmas morning?'

Piper sighs, 'Larry turned up there, that was all, but she's dealing with it'

'Larry?'

'Yes, Larry. Now can we talk about something else please, I don't want it to ruin the morning before it's even begun' she replies, flicking on the percolator.

'Piper…'

'Can we drop it? Plus it's Christmas day and you haven't even kissed me yet' she says, pulling Alex close and gently tugging on her bottom lip with her teeth.

'Ow! that isn't a kiss' Alex replies scowling.

Piper laughs, 'I know, I'm sorry, how about this?' she says, kissing her full on the lips, soft and lingering, threatening to slide into more dangerous territory before pulling away.

Alex huffs in frustration, 'is that you plan for today, to make my head explode?'

'Absolutely'.

'Well we're going to my mom's, so no funny business there' she says, taking cream out of the fridge.

'Wrong, I'm planning on all sorts of teasing, so by the time we get back here, well let's just say, you won't be in full control of your senses'.

Alex raises an eyebrow, before leaning across and whispering into Piper's ear, her breath hot. 'Oh yea?' she rasps, pushing her firmly against the refrigerator, 'Don't get ahead of yourself Missy, because you know what they say don't you?'

'No' Piper replies a little shakily, a moan escaping her lips as one of Alex's hands caresses her nipples; hardening at her touch.

Her free hand is trailing the inside of Piper's thigh, fingers making their way to her warmth. She pulls the soaking wet crotch of Piper's underwear to one side and slide's her finger's deep into Piper's core. She gasps in pleasure, pressing her back firmly against the refrigerator door: beer bottles rattling.

'The best form of defence is attack and I think we need to remind you just who's in charge here' she says, her voice like liquid velvet, grinning at the effect she's having as Piper's head snaps back, writhing in ecstasy, each wave of pleasure becoming stronger as she leans in and presses against Alex's hand, riding it for more friction.

'You want to cum don't you' Alex says, the moisture of her breath on Piper's cheek adding to her rapture.

'Al, please' Piper gasps.

Alex can feel her begin to shudder now, her knees beginning to buckle and just as she's about to explode, Alex removes her hand.

'What the fuck?!' Piper says breathlessly, her cheeks flushed, a light sheen of sweat glistening on her forehead.

'Let's see who won't be in control of their senses _now_ shall we?' she grins.

Piper shakes her head, 'asshole'.

'Yea and you fucking love it' Alex smirks.

She's right. And she can't get enough.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _It's 2am and Piper can't sleep. Alex isn't back from work yet, this isn't unusual when she's at the bar. It never used to bother Piper before, but since she's been pregnant, it makes her feel restless. She kicks the covers off, in frustration. All evening she's had a craving for peanut butter ice cream and it's back with a vengeance now…that and pickled onions….._

 _She wanders into the kitchen and rifles though the cupboards; no sign of pickled onions, only black olives, which for some reason, send a wave of nausea through her. The freezer is equally as disappointing, all it contains is some frozen yogurt, Alex's beloved fudgsicles and pizza, nothing to satisfy her cravings. 'Fuck' she mutters under her breath. So instead she decides to call Alex._

 _She picks up after three long rings and Piper can hear a lot of clattering background noise._

' _Hey Pipes, everything ok?'_

' _Yes, you still at work?'_

' _I'm leaving real soon'_

' _I miss you'_

' _I'll be back before you know it. Promise.'_

' _Plus the baby has a craving….'_

' _Uhuh' Alex replies suspiciously 'so what's this craving?'_

' _Errmmmm, peanut butter ice cream….and pickled onions…..'_

' _That's gonna be some fucked up kid' Alex laughs._

' _Hey, the baby wants what the baby wants'_

' _Any ideas where I'm gonna find those things at this time of night?' She sighs. She sounds exhausted and suddenly Piper feels really bad. She's been pulling double shifts recently, trying to claw together some more cash before the baby arrives, still insistent that they're not going to use the money gifted to Piper by her grandmother._

' _You know what, don't worry about it, the baby would rather you got home sooner than going to the store'_

' _Just the baby?'_

' _Well me too obviously' she says laughing, 'I hate it when you work a double, I feel like I hardly see you any more. You're barely awake when I go to work and by the time I get back, you're on your way out'._

' _I know, but it's not going to be forever' Alex replies. The truth is that whilst the money will come in handy, she likes to keep busy, because when she's not working, it gives her time to think about the baby and everything that it means and that sets her on a train of thought that she really doesn't want to follow, a train of though involving last Fall._

 _So work is good and it's just about keeping her sane. But there's only five months to go until it arrives and now is not the time to start discussing her fears with Piper; that's she not ready, that she thinks this may be a terrible mistake, but most of all- that she's the most scared she's ever been in her entire life. So she just works. A lot._

' _Your mom came to see me at the bookstore today'_

' _She did?'_

' _Yup, she's so happy at the idea of being a grandma, the smile didn't leave her face for the whole time that she was talking to me'_

' _Look Pipes, I've got to go, I've to lock up and stuff, but I'll see you soon ok?'_

' _Sure' she replies, but Alex has already hung up._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

' _Hey you' Alex whispers, kissing her on the cheek and sliding into bed next to her._

' _Mmmm, hey, what time is it?' Piper asks._

' _3.45am'_

' _Guess what?'_

' _What?' she mumbles sleepily_

' _I got the ice cream you wanted and the pickled onions'_

' _You did?'_

' _Of course. I had to ask a cab driver of all people, but I found a place that was open. I gotta tell you, I got some pretty weird looks when I was buying it, I reckon people thought I was off my face' and then she laughs and it's the first time Piper has heard her laugh like that in a little while, real honest and whole hearted._

' _I love you' she says, 'and not just because of the ice cream and onions'_

 _She smiles, but Piper notices she doesn't say it back. It's probably because she's too tired._

' _Oh and just to let you know, you had better brush your teeth if you're coming back to bed after eating that. Baby or no baby, that is not going to smell good' she grins._

' _Wait until you have to change a diaper, then you'll know exactly what a bed smell is. Some of the stuff that Finn produces is mind boggling, you wouldn't think something so small and cute could produce something that has such a vile stench'._

' _Gross Pipes'_

' _Yea….I think I just put myself off the ice cream'_

' _I thought it was the baby that wanted it?' Alex replies, raising an eyebrow._

' _Oh, wow' Piper says, suddenly shifting her position in the bed slightly._

' _What's wrong?' Alex says, eyes wide with fear._

' _Nothing…I just felt the baby move…here, feel' she says grabbing Alex's hand and placing it on her stomach and sure enough, almost on cue, she feels a slight kicking against her palm._

' _Jesus' she says, 'It's…..it's…so real'_

 _Piper laughs, 'you thought I was faking it all this time?'_

' _No…you know what I mean…it's weird…I just….oh woah! It just did it again!' she says._

' _The baby clearly has a favourite already' Piper replies, 'I've only ever got one kick out of it max'._

' _The baby has good taste' Alex replies yawning, slowly losing her battle with fatigue._

' _I think we'd better get to sleep Al, you look exhausted'_

' _You may have a point' Alex replies, sliding under the covers, but leaving her hand across Piper's stomach._

' _Night' Piper says, kissing her on the lips._

' _Night Pipes'_

 _She strokes the side of Alex's face gently, until she falls asleep. She does this on the rare occasions she is awake when Alex gets back from the bar. Except tonight is different, because she can feel Alex's mouth gently curved into a smile as she drifts off. She's happy and that sends a surge of warmth and longing though Piper. 'I love you' she whispers again into the dark. 'Sweet dreams'._

 _They're going to make it. She's sure of it._


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! it's more Vauseman!**

 **Ok, so the structure of this chapter is a follows- the italics are a flash** **forward** **two years and 'last fall' refers to the previous fall. Hope that's clear.**

 **If you like this then of course REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW.**

 **On your marks, get set….enjoy!**

 _Last Fall_

 _'Hello?'_

 _'Alex, it's me'_

 _'Chloe?'_

 _'Were you asleep...you kinda sound like you were...sorry if I woke you'_

 _Alex tosses the covers off and scrambles up from the couch, careful to keep her voice down so she doesn't wake her mother._

 _'Yea I was sort of...' she says, running a hand over her face. If passing out now constitutes as sleep. 'What's up?'_

 _'None of the guys on shift have a set of keys to lock up. Jess was the only one and she went home sick. I know it's a pain, but is there any way you can come down here with yours?'_

 _'Ah fuck. Where's Charlie? He's the manager, he should be dealing with this shit'_

 _'We tried calling him, he's not picking up'._

 _Alex is beginning to think that Charlie has the right idea, but then Chloe is a sweet girl and she's done Alex a few favours in the past, so really, this is the least she can do. Except Alex is not feeling in a very generous mood tonight. It could be to do with the fact her neck is painfully stiff due to night after night of sleeping on her mother's worn old couch; or that she saw Piper and Polly at the restaurant across from the bar today. Piper had point blank refused to talk to her. Either way, Chloe's timing could not be any worse._

 _'Why was there only one designated key holder on shift?' Alex replies still a little irritated._

 _'I guess whoever did the rota screwed up'_

 _'Fuck' Alex mutters when she realises the person responsible for drawing up the rota was in fact her. 'I'll be there in fifteen' she says, hanging up._

 _Her head is pounding, the beginnings of a hangover blurring the periphery of her consciousness. She's probably still over the legal drink drive limit, but it's 3am, she should be ok: there and back in no time._

 _Her eyes flit across to the bourbon bottle on the coffee table and a pang of shame stabs at her. She hides it under her pillow on the couch, just in case Diane wakes up whilst she's out. She walks to the bathroom, half fills the sink with cold water and plunges her face straight in, holding it there for a couple of seconds. By the time she re-emerges, she's feeling a little more awake, enough to drive to the bar at least. She pulls on jeans, boots and a jacket and snatches up her car keys from the kitchen counter top._

 _She drives in silence; no radio, deciding it would set her further on edge, because if she's honest, she's feeling a little wired, as if in anticipation of something, but she's not sure what. The rain is belting down in an apocalyptic manner and she's struggling to see what's up ahead: the night whizzing by in a damp, blurry smudge._

 _She runs about half a dozen red lights, some that she doesn't notice and some, because she can and ten minutes later she's at the bar. The inside is deserted, most of the lights have been turned off except those behind the bar and the stools are upturned on the counter top._

 _'Oh hey' Chloe says appearing from the back. She's changed out of her uniform into jeans and a tank, dirty blonde hair, messily swept up into a ponytail. She's Mia's friend, cute, but only 21 and is notorious for her ongoing boyfriend dramas._

 _'Thanks so much for coming, I know it must have been a bitch, especially in this weather'._

 _'Where's everyone else?' Alex asks, her eyes scanning the room._

 _'I told them I'd wait for you, no point in us all hanging around for a set of keys' she smiles._

 _'You're not supposed to be here alone when you lock up, you know that'_

 _'I'm not alone, you're here' she laughs._

 _'Nice try smartass, but you know what I mean. If Charlie finds out then...'_

 _'But he's not going to find out is he Al...unless you tattle on me?' She's holding Alex's gaze, the flecks of green and grey in her hazel eyes glimmering, almost daring her._

 _'Let's just lock up and go, some of us aren't 21 any more, we do actually need some beauty sleep'_

 _'I dunno, you always look pretty good to me' she laughs._

 _Is she?...No...no way..._

 _'We could have locked up and left in the time you've been chewing my ear off, now come on' Alex says firmly._

 _They finish up, Chloe grabs her coat and they make their way outside. 'You need a ride?' Alex asks, attempting to shelter from the rain, which is refusing to let up._

 _'I was gonna take the bus...'_

 _'At 4am? Not a chance, get in' she says gesturing to the Cutlass._

 _Chloe looks at her as if she's unsure, but of what, Alex doesn't know._

 _'Just get in, will you, I'm fucking drowning here!'_

 _Chloe complies and slides into the passenger side. She gives Alex her address and they drive in silence for a few minutes._

 _'So Mia tells me you've split up with your girlfriend?' Chloe says, breaking the relative calm that Alex was so enjoying._

 _'Did she?'_

 _'Uh yea'_

 _'Ok'_

 _'Ok? That's all you're gonna say?'_

 _What Alex really wants to know is why Chloe is asking Mia for details about her life, but it's late, the adrenalin from earlier has disappeared and her brain feels as if a thick fug has descended on it, so she doesn't bother analyzing her motives any further._

 _'Uhuh'_

 _'So have you?'_

 _'I don't really think that's yours or Mia's goddman business is it?' Alex replies, aiming for firm, but sounding like a dick instead._

' _Sorry' Chloe mumbles, shuffling a bit lower in her seat and making Alex feel bad._

' _Look, it's complicated and I don't really want to talk about'_

' _Maybe you should, sometimes it can help?'_

' _You won't get it'_

' _Why not?'_

 _Alex is trying to think of a way that she can reply without sounding patronizing, but she can't, so she just tells her the truth, 'you're just a kid really…'_

' _I'm 21' Chloe replies stroppily, 'I can legally drink, have sex, drive; all the things you can do, so why am I less of an adult than you?' She folds her arms in defiance and Alex is half tempted to laugh, but she resists, figuring it will make the situation worse._

' _Ok, well maybe I just don't think you're fucked up enough to get it then?'_

' _What?'_

' _It's a compliment. You're a sweet girl, you don't want your brain to be frazzled listening to me talking about how messy my life is'_

' _Try me'_

 _Alex shakes her head, 'it's late and we're nearly at your place now, but thanks for the offer anyway.'_

' _Mia was right'_

' _About what?'_

' _You are a jerk'_

 _Alex laughs, 'I know, I've been told that my whole life, it's kinda like a badge of honour'_

' _A hot jerk though'_

' _Mia said that?' Alex says, raising an eyebrow._

 _Chloe laughs, 'no, I added that bit myself'_

' _Oh….' Alex replies flatly, sensing the conversation may be sliding in a direction which she really doesn't need right now._

' _My house is just here' Chloe says interrupting her thoughts, 'you can pull over in front of that red car'._

' _Ok, well, night' Alex replies, bringing the Cutlass to a shuddering halt, her eyes still firmly fixed on the road ahead._

' _Thanks for the ride Al' Chloe says, opening the car door, 'Oh and by the way, you definitely are a hot jerk, a_ _really_ _hot jerk. Night' she says, slamming the door shut and disappearing into the downpour._

' _Fuck' Alex mutters, slamming her hands on the steering wheel, she can't handle this on top of everything else. She leans back in her seat, following the robotic motion of the wipers and finds it strangely soothing and then she realises what she needs to do._

 _She needs to see Piper._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _She buzzes and buzzes and buzzes again. Eventually Piper answers the intercom._

' _Hello?' she says, a little shrill and immediately Alex is regretting turning up unannounced. But it's the only way she'll speak to her these days. She ignores her calls and on the rare occasion she does respond to a message, it's usually with a lack lustre, one-word reply._

' _Hey Pipes, it's me' she says, her jacket pulled over her head to shield her from the worst of the rain._

 _Silence._

' _Piper?'_

 _She can hear her sighing deeply now, 'I really don't want to do this Alex, I'm tired, I've got to be up for work in a few hours'._

' _Please?'_

' _Al…'_

 _Alex can hear her resolve wavering, it's amazing how much more difficult it is for her to be defiant when Polly isn't around._

' _I just want to talk, five minutes, then I'll go, I promise'_

 _She doesn't reply, she just buzzes her in. She opens the door in shorts and a t-shirt. Her hair's adorably messy, but her eyes look sore and puffy, like she's been crying and Alex has to override the primal urge to hold her and kiss her._

' _So talk' she says flatly, taking a seat on the couch._

 _Alex's eyes wander around the apartment that they decorated together; the colour of the paint washed wall that they couldn't agree on; the Klimt paintings; the vintage ash tray; bookcases lined with Hemingway, Whitman, Steinbeck and Poe. A home full of trinkets, of a life that Alex had coveted for so long, but barely had the chance to live. And suddenly she's angry; furious at the way this has all been snatched from her, that all she's worth is five minutes of Piper's time, less than she affords most of the customers in the fucking bookstore._

' _Why wouldn't you talk to me at the restaurant?'_

' _What was there to say?'_

' _We need to figure this fucking mess out'_

' _Have you changed your mind? Can I trust you not to bail on me_ _again'_

 _The muscle in Alex's jaw is pulsing now, so ferociously that it's giving her a headache. 'I didn't bail' she forces out._

' _You thought I was pregnant and you left'_

' _It was a chemical pregnancy, it wasn't even….even…'_

' _Even what? Real!? Because it sure as hell felt fucking real to me when I was bleeding and you were nowhere to be seen, when I got home and you were gone!'_

' _I came back'_

' _Two fucking days later. You didn't answer your calls, your mother didn't even know where you had got to and then you came waltzing back in!'_

' _I just needed some time to get my head around it'. Alex is pacing now, feeling restless again. The rain slashes at the windowpanes compounding the whirring of her mind, of the darkness swirling in her brain._

' _You never even wanted it? Did you? Did you?' she chokes out. Her eyes are glassy, threatening to spill her pain any second and Alex can't help feel that she's made everything a whole lot worse by turning up tonight._

' _I want_ _you_ _' she says, crouching in front of Piper, locking eyes. 'That's got to count for something, right?' But Piper can hardly bear to be near her, she shrinks away at Alex's proximity as if it's something dangerous; to be avoided._

' _You need to go' she says firmly, looking away._

' _It's been a month Piper, we can work through this, I love you…'_

' _Don't you dare fucking say that' she says snapping, her emotions bubbling over, 'you use those words like they're some sort of bargaining tool, a way to manipulate your way back into my affections'_

' _What? No Piper, listen to me, I just needed to get away, just for a while and when I did it made me realise this is what I want…'_

' _Yea? Well it made me realise something too, that you're a selfish prick and when I needed you the most, you weren't here for me' She pauses, almost gasping for breath. 'But you know what really fucking kills me' she says, slamming a fist into the armrest of the couch, 'what really fucking bites? That I was stupid enough to think this was it; that you and me were for keeps and all along Polly was right'. She stands up, turning her back to Alex and walking towards the window. 'Just go' she says, her voice cracking._

 _Alex walks up to her and places her hand gently on Piper's shoulder. This time she doesn't flinch or recoil, but Alex can see her reflection in the rain-smeared windowpane; her eyes closed as if fighting off a fresh wave of pain, tears flowing freely; pieces of her soul._

' _Please don't make me leave' Alex whispers, the thought of vanishing into the night causes a laceration to her heart: a wound sure to scar._

' _I…..just….I can't do this right now Alex, it's just_ _too_ _hard'. She sounds utterly spent, like all of the fight as been drained out of her. And this time Alex knows she_ _has to_ _go._

 _She withdraws her hand, takes a deep breath and makes her way back outside. When she reaches the sidewalk she stands motionless, for what seems like minutes, getting soaked to the skin and wishing she could just dissolve into the darkness, never to be seen again._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _ **Not**_ _Last Fall_

' _Ok, so I can totally do this, we just need to put these fat, flat things, into this bit in figure A, and then these pointier bits, into this bit in figure B….no C….no A….' Piper says, her eyes scanning the numerous pieces of wood fanned out around her on the floor._

 _Alex laughs, 'Flat things? Pointier bits? Are these all technical terms you learnt at Smith?'_

' _Fuck you, I know what I'm doing' Piper replies, turning the diagram 90 degrees and squinting at it._

' _Jeez, you'll have had the goddamn baby by the time you've figured this out, it's a fucking crib, how hard can it be to build?' she says snatching the instructions out of Piper's hand. 'Why do we need a crib anyway?' she says, her brow furrowed in thought._

' _Errrr seriously Alex, you're asking why our baby is going to need a crib?' she replies, her hands on her hips. 'Should I just call child protection now and be done with it?'_

' _Well if baby Jesus didn't need one….I mean, we don't want the kid to get used to your prissy ways now do we…' she grins._

' _So you're suggesting I give birth in a stable and fashion some sort of manger for our child?'_

' _Well what could be more in keeping with nature than that? I thought you were all for that sort of Mother Earth bullshit…' she laughs._

' _I am…and I was considering a home birth, but then Polly told me how painful her contractions were and then…anyway, it's safer for the baby if it's done in the hospital' she says, clearly trying to justify it to herself. 'And besides, if you had your way, the baby would be subsisting on a diet of beer and corn dogs from birth, not breast milk!'_

' _Oh I don't know about that' she replies, picking up a packet of bolts, 'I'm pretty partial to breast myself, I can certainly see the appeal'_

' _You're so gross, you know that?' Piper replies, smiling in spite of herself._

' _I'm going for a cigarette, maybe when I get back,_ _this_ _will miraculously make more sense'_

' _What me? Or the crib?'_

' _The flat pack nightmare. I've given up trying to figure you out Pipes, you're beyond the comprehension of my brain and to be honest, I think most modern scientists would struggle too.'_

' _Asshole'_

' _Yup'_

' _Idiot'_

' _Yup'_

' _You love me'_

' _Yup….hey, hold on…you cheated'_

 _Piper laughs, 'just go have your cigarette then we can try and make some progress on this'._

 _Alex pulls the cigarette carton out of her pocket, dropping something to the floor in the process. Piper snatches it up. It's a little crumpled, but she knows what it is immediately; the baby's 18 week scan._

' _You kept one of the copies?'_

' _Errm yea…' she says, her gaze dropping to the floor, a little embarrassed as she's been caught off guard._

' _How come?'_

' _I always carry it with me…just, well just because…..'_

' _I love you a lot, you know that right?' she says softly._

' _Me too'_

' _How about, when you get back, we take a break from this and I show you just how much?'_

' _Well, if I'd known mass produced, Swedish furniture bought out this side to you, I would have been arranging far more DIY jobs for us' she grins. She kisses Piper on the top of her head gently. 'See you in a sec'._

 _Piper looks back down at the grainy scan, realising that she's never felt more clarity in her entire life._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Last Fall_

 _It's 11pm on a Saturday and Alex is getting slammed, it's nothing she can't handle and she likes keeping busy, but Chloe has been finding every opportunity to make any sort of physical contact with her and Alex is trying to decide on how best to deal with it. It isn't being helped by the fact that Chloe's hot and Alex has been horny as fuck for weeks, but she does not need to add this little thread into the already complex web she has managed to weave for herself, not one little bit. She looks up to see Mia waltzing through the door and approaching the bar._

' _How the fuck do you_ _always_ _manage to get in here? You're underage!' Alex hisses._

' _I use my charms, you should try it some time, it might help' she says grinning._

' _Well no one can serve you, so you may as well leave'_

' _Uncle Charlie said I could have a white wine spritzer' she says pouting a little._

' _Uncle Charlie clearly wants to lose his licence and get shut down then doesn't he?' she says, wiping the bar top down with a cloth. 'Plus there's no way on earth i'm making that shitty drink, it's sacrilege to ruin decent wine like that, this isn't some college dive you know'_

' _Ooooh, look at you all high and mighty, seems like the Parkslope blonde has had quite the influence over you'._

 _Alex throws her a glare, it does the trick as she immediately quiets down. Almost on queue, Chloe appears. 'Let me do that Al' she says, taking the cloth from Alex's hand, her fingertips brushing Alex's arm and lingering longer than they need do. Mia's eyes flit from Chloe to Alex and she grins to herself knowingly._

' _Can you get her out of here' she says pointing to Mia, 'last thing I need is for this place to get busted'_

' _Sure thing' she says squeezing Alex's arm affectionately. Alex bristles as it sends a strange burning sensation through her._

' _In fact better still, why don't you go with her, knock off early?'_

' _Oh' Chloe replies, her expression immediately dropping, 'but we're so busy here'_

' _It's fine' Alex says walking down to the far side of the bar, ignoring the queue of people waiting to be served and making her way to the rest rooms, 'I'll see you tomorrow'._

 _She darts into one of the stalls and bolts the door behind her, taking deep breaths. She's in above her head, she does not need this right now._

' _Al, you in there?' Chloe's voice says from the other side of the stall door._

' _Go home Chloe, I'll see you tomorrow' Alex says, her throat dry, but trying to sound authoritative all the same._

' _I just want to make sure you're ok, you kinda left in a hurry'. Her voice sounds so sincere that Alex feels like an idiot. She's just some 21-year-old kid with a crush, someone like Alex should be able to handle her without any trouble. But she's worried, worried that if she opens the door and Chloe tries something, that Alex won't have the energy to resist; that all the pain she's been bottling up for the last month, will be channeled into this._

 _So instead, she squeezes her eyes shut, trying to block it all out._

' _Al' she says, softer this time. She sounds like Piper….she sounds like Piper…..and the next thing Alex knows is that's she unbolting the door and she's standing face to face with Chloe._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _ **Not**_ _Last Fall_

' _Ok, so i've got Ulysses, The Great Gatsby and Asterix'_

 _Piper raises an eyebrow. 'You want to read the baby Asterix?'_

' _Well, I'm not convinced it can even hear anything in there' she says pointing to Piper's stomach, 'but yea, why not?'_

' _It's supposed to be something to stimulate them'_

' _Garfield?'_

' _Al'_

' _It's a fat orange cat that hates Mondays and loves Lasagne, what's not to like?'_

' _Ok, I think you need to take this co-parenting thing a bit more seriously….why don't you make up a story?'_

' _What?'_

' _Well you have a very vivid imagination, why not put it to good use?'_

' _Not for story telling'_

' _Don't knock yourself, you're a_ _grade A_ _bullshitter'_

' _Who's co-parenting this child, so what does that say about you?' she grins._

' _Touché….but give it a go, for me? please?'_

' _Fine' Alex says, dropping the books on the table and walking over to the couch. 'Errmmm ok…there once was a…'_

' _You have to be close enough so the baby can hear'_

' _What? Do we have a direct extension or something?'_

' _No you idiot, put your head near my stomach so it's easier for the baby to listen'_

' _Are you filming this secretly? Am I going to be on Candid Camera?'_

 _Piper laughs, 'no, now come on, before I need to pee for like the fiftieth time today'_

' _Fine' Alex says, lying across the couch so that her head is a few inches away from Piper's stomach. 'Ok, once upon a time there was a Princess, she was kind and honourable and beautiful and had long golden hair and deep blue eyes…..all of the people in the kingdom loved her and used to bring her gifts…..'_

' _Who is this blonde, blue eyed princess?' Piper asks suspiciously, stroking Alex's hair._

' _Errrmm, we'll get to that, don't interrupt the story, I can tell the baby is enthralled….anyway, all was well in the Kingdom until one day something terrible occurred and all of the loyal subjects were made to pay'_

' _Oooh, hear that' Piper interrupts, her chin dipped as she speaks to the baby bump, 'something real bad and dramatic is about to happen, I'm not sure it can be anything more terrible than the plot to this story, but anyway'_

 _Alex ignores her and continues, 'and what had caused this disquiet across the Kingdom? The princess had awoken one morning and realised that the coffee she had been drinking was not organic and even worse, not fair trade!' she gasps in mock horror and immediately bursts out laughing._

' _Fuck you! I knew this was a bad idea'_

' _Shhhhh, the baby' Alex says, putting a finger to her lips._

' _You're such a jackass sometimes'_

' _Bet Asterix doesn't seem so bad now right?' Alex says kissing the bump and then Piper realises it's the first time she's done that and she has to catch her breath for a second. Something's shifting, they're making real progress._

' _Fine, go get Asterix then' she concedes._

' _Yea?'_

' _Yes'_

 _Alex snatches it up from the coffee table._

 _Piper shakes her head, smiling all the same, because this is better than any fairytale; this is Alex._


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Chapter time! Firstly, thank you thank you thank you for all your wonderful reviews and messages. Each and every one of you that reads/comments is awesome and I cannot emphasise that enough.**

 **Righty ho, so the last chapter confused a few people with the chronology, so I'll try and explain this chapter a bit more clearly.**

 **The normal font is set two years into the future, whereas the italics (Last Fall) are from the year prior to that, so only a year into the future. Hope that makes sense.**

 **As ever, if you like it, holler at me and drop me a review/message.**

 **Marvelous, let's get cracking then- number 17. Enjoy….**

 _Last Fall_

 _It's about a girl, it always has been._

' _You need to leave' Alex says; it lacks conviction. But she just needs to keep her shit together for a little while longer, until Chloe is gone and then it will all be ok. It has to be._

 _She hasn't seen or heard from Piper since the night Alex went back to their apartment and that was three days ago. Right now, she's running out of options, apart from fucking the 21 year old in front of her. Technically she wouldn't be doing anything wrong. She's been kicked out of her apartment, for which she's still paying fucking rent and her girlfriend has told her she can't bear to look at her, so yea, she's considering this, longer than she probably should; considering how good it would be to feel someone's warmth, to be desired again. No judgments, no scar tissue._

' _I'm not going anywhere until I know you're ok' Chloe replies. She takes a step forward and gently brushes Alex's cheek with the pad of her thumb. It's so tender and human, that for a second, Alex forgets where they are, who_ _she_ _is and she finds herself closing her eyes and leaning into the touch a little, imagining she is some place else._

 _It's about a girl, it always has been. But this isn't_ _the_ _girl_

' _What the fuck!?' A voice says and when she opens her eyes again, she sees Polly standing in the doorway of the rest room, Mia glancing over her shoulder, a confused look on her face._

 _Alex pulls away from Chloe's touch immediately, as if she's been stung, the shock of seeing Polly, like a jolt of reality._

' _So you're harassing Piper to take you back and meanwhile carrying on with some teenager? You're a fucking embarrassment!'_

' _Fuck you' Alex snaps. She could start giving her an explanation about how they weren't actually doing anything, but she doesn't owe this bitch a single thing._

' _And i'm 21 actually' Chloe interjects, scowling._

 _Polly shakes her head in that disdainful way that's almost compulsory when she's in Alex's company. 'If you can find five minutes away from this little love tryst' she says, firing a scornful look at Chloe, 'then maybe we can talk about Piper?'_

 _Even her name carves through Alex's heart. Her stomach knots involuntarily at the thought that any of this will be reported back to her and suddenly she's wishing she'd been less of an asshole to Polly._

' _Fine' she replies, come through to the back office, 'and you two' she says pointing to Mia and Chloe, go home. If I see either of you when I get back, I'll have security remove you'._

 _Chloe's eyes begin to well up, her face crumpling; features distorted with hurt. 'But….But….'_

' _Just get her out of here will you?' she says gesturing to Mia._

 _Mia hurriedly darts past Polly and guides her sobbing friend back into the main bar area, shooting Alex a look of concern as she does so._

 _Alex sighs deeply, forcing the guilt to the back of her mind. She doesn't have the space in her head for that, not right now. She rubs at her cheek, harder than necessary, not wanting Chloe's touch to be the last thing that she feels, replacing it with pain instead._

' _Nice job, you've upset your new girlfriend as well as your old one. All in a day's work though I suppose' Polly says, her mouth pulled into a thin lipped smile, making her look older, more resilient some how._

' _She's not my fucking girlfriend. Look I don't want to do this standing here, the back office is down this corridor' she says, leading her out of the restrooms and through another door. The passage is dimly lit and Polly can barely see a few yards in front, keeping close to Alex so as not to get lost. They take a left down a narrow, wrought iron staircase and the music from the bar immediately becomes dulled to a buzzing vibration. The second corridor is even more poorly lit and without thinking, Polly reaches out to touch Alex's arm as a guide, but Alex is quick. She spins round, grabbing her wrist and pinning her to the wall. Polly's eyes are wide and bright in the inky shadows: large with fear and something else._

' _Why the fuck are you here?' Alex hisses, 'I mean_ _really_ _here?'_

' _Piper' she says, her voice a little shaky; unprepared for the turn this evening seems to have taken, 'she deserves better than an asshole like you'._

' _An asshole you want to fuck'_

' _What?'_

' _This obsession with me you've had since day one, why don't you admit what it's really about?'_

' _You're being ridiculous' she says, but the authority in her voice dissipated as soon as they were left alone and Alex has hit a nerve._

' _Admit it' Alex says, so close to her that she can smell the wine on Polly's breath. She gets a strange satisfaction at the thought of Polly needing Dutch courage for this confrontation._

' _You'd love to be fucked by someone like me. Dirty and hard, not like that limp, dull, white-collar husband of yours. Five thrusts in missionary every Wednesday and Sunday is it Poll, followed by 15 minutes of cuddling and then bedtime?' she grins. And yes, right now she is being an asshole, she's relishing it even, but it's nothing that Polly hasn't had coming for a good while, so she'll enjoy it a little while longer, savour it maybe._

 _She's flustered now, her mouth opening and closing with no purpose, words failing to form, because Alex has done what she does best when she's being attacked, she hits back, only harder; she makes it count._

' _Kiss me' she says to Polly, 'just do it. For once in your life, do something you actually_ _feel_ _, rather than what you've been told'_

 _Polly's brow is furrowed in confusion now, her breathing rapid. She raises a hand shakily and traces Alex's jawline with her fingertips. Alex doesn't flinch, not even slightly, her gaze firmly fixed on Polly's face and then Polly leans in, her eyes closed, her lips glistening in the relative dark and Alex pulls back abruptly. Polly opens her eyes again, bemused._

 _Alex grins, 'see Poll, nobody's perfect are they?'_

 _Polly swallows hard as the reality of what just happened dawns on her. She takes a deep breath and purses her lips. If she hated Alex before, she's pretty sure that Polly wants to see her die a slow and painful death right about now. But it serves her fucking right._

' _Just stay away from her' Polly snaps, her voice still a little unsure and then she turns and leaves, her heels clanking up the steps, disappearing as quickly as she arrived._

 _Alex waits a few minutes, stood in the darkness. It's strangely calming and despite what's happened, knowing that she's just made things a whole lot worse for herself, she feels surprisingly lucid._

 _She makes her way back to the restroom and stands in front of a washbasin, a hand gripping either side tightly. She glances into the looking glass and not for the first time in her life, she doesn't like what's staring back at her._

 _She's a mess._

 _Last Fall_

 _She's sitting in the car; a song they like is playing on the radio. Some cheesy pop bullshit they heard in a restaurant when they went to visit Staten Island a few years ago, when everything was still secretive: shifting in the sand. She's trying to ride out the pain that it's eliciting, the memories, like small puncture wounds to her soul. But she doesn't want to forget, because they were happy once._

 _There's a tapping on the window, she cuts the engine, silencing the music and looks up irritated by the disturbance: until she sees its Piper. She walks around the side of the Cutlass, and Alex is trying to contain the smile that's creeping across her face as she watches her slide into the passenger seat._

 _She looks different some how, like she means business. Her face is bare; no make up, frown lines prominent, because Alex is guessing she's been doing a lot of that recently._

 _She doesn't bother with pleasantries; she just cuts straight to the chase. 'Is it true?' she says, her breath making wispy clouds due to the car's ineffectual heating system._

' _What?'_

' _You're fucking some 21 year old that works at the bar?' Her eyes are intense; pained, because Alex knows that the mere possibility of it is killing her, which means she still cares and more than that; there's hope._

' _Who told you that?' As if she can't fucking guess._

' _Really, you're playing that game Alex?'_

 _Alex looks away, she's right, she should just tell her truth because she's done nothing to hide, but it's fucking her off that Polly has gone tattling to her and she's come here ready to think the worst. So she stays silent, wiping the misty clouds from the window with the sleeve of her coat._

' _I'll take that as a yes then?' Piper continues, the frustration in her voice, blurring the edges of her words._

 _Alex remains silent._

' _For fuck's sake Alex, can you at least look at me!' she says, finally snapping._

 _Alex turns to face her, eyes flashing with resentment. 'What does it matter what I say? If I say yes or no, what difference does it make to any of this?'_

' _Of course it makes a difference, how can you think it wouldn't?'_

' _Because we're through, aren't we?' she says. The words escape her mouth as if she has no control over them and they hang in the air, heavy, burgeoning with the fear: fear that Piper will agree, that there's nothing left to salvage. But she doesn't, confirm or deny anything instead she sighs wearily and runs a hand through her hair._

' _The other night, when you came over and you said you had realised what you wanted that includes me_ _and_ _a baby right?'_

 _Yes: that's all she has to say, but somehow, it's the one word she can't bring to her lips. Not for this. 'Piper…'_

 _But she's turned away now, looking out onto the street, looking but not seeing, trying to focus on anything but Alex._

' _I wouldn't be good at it….i'm a fuck up…I don't have enough money…I….'_

' _You're scared' she says, her head whipping round, eyes hot and intense, 'just fucking admit it. You're scared. Well guess what Alex, I'm scared too'_

' _Of what?'_

' _That you've turned out to be someone I didn't think you were'_

 _The comment hits Alex full in the chest and for a second, she has to catch her breath. 'I'm still me' she replies, her voice sounding small, feeble, like it belongs to someone else._

 _She shakes her head. 'Maybe it's my fault, I wanted you to be something so badly, that I fooled myself into thinking you were'_

 _Alex doesn't reply, because if she's truthful, she's not entirely sure she can disagree with the statement._

 _Late afternoon has turned into early evening, the descent of darkness creeping up on them, like an uninvited guest. Piper wraps her arms around herself, the cold settling on her unkindly._

' _Here' Alex says, removing her scarf 'this should help'. She drapes it around Piper's neck, her gaze not shifting from her eyes as she does so._

 _Piper rubs her cheek gently against Alex's hand, as if seeking something familiar. Alex leans in to kiss her, her lips brushing lightly over Piper's. She's been drinking, she can smell it clearly and for some reason, the thought makes Alex want to cry, because it fills her with a horrible murky despair. So she pulls back momentarily._

' _What?' Piper whispers_

' _You've been drinking?'_

' _You're going to give me a lecture right now?'_

' _No…but…' Piper stops her words with a firm kiss, so firm in fact it's a little painful and then suddenly they are in a frenzied cloud, lips and hands, searching for comfort in the only thing they are both capable of right now; raw desire._

' _Fuck me' Piper says, the longing disappearing from the remit of her control._

' _Are you sure?' Alex forces out breathlessly._

 _Piper grabs the collars of Alex's jacket firmly, 'just do it. I need this' she replies._

 _But Alex can't shake that feeling: the despair, the booze and the packet of white powder that's nestling in the pocket of her jacket. She pulls away, closing her eyes._

' _I can't Piper…..'_

' _What?'_

' _It feels wrong'_

' _And you've got a 21 year old to fuck'_

' _And what if I said yes?' Alex bites back. She's on edge now, she can feel the powder almost pulsing in her pocket. This is fourth week in a row she's going to be using it, but it's fine, because she's promised herself that tonight will be the last night._

' _Is that what you're saying?'_

' _I'm saying…' she begins, resting her forehead against the steering wheel. Like everything in the damn car, it feels ice cold. 'No, I haven't fucked her'_

' _Yet'_

' _I haven't fucked her'_

' _Were you tempted?'_

 _There's no right answer. If she says no, then Piper won't believe her, but if she says yes, she knows it will ruin any chance they have of fixing this. So she stays quiet, listening to the cars whizz by and the wind whistling through the trees, the branches casting long eerie shadows across the dashboard._

' _You wanted to fuck her didn't you?'_

' _I didn't fuck her Piper ok, I didn't'. She's getting jumpy, tapping her foot to a non- existent beat. She needs to get out of here, take some stuff and get ready for her shift and then it will be fine again. Not good, but fine and she'll take fine right now. Definitely._

' _I can't be this perfect person that you want me to be and I'm sorry for that and maybe, just for one tiny second, I was tempted by her, but I didn't do anything, because of you'_

' _Oh wow, am I supposed to be flattered?'_

' _I'm being honest'_

' _How does it feel?'_

' _Like I shouldn't have fucking bothered'_

 _The glow from the street lamp is creeping into the car, so half of Piper's face is in shade and half in the light. It's making her expression difficult to read and it's fucking with Alex's head, as if the ground is continuously shifting beneath her and she's struggling for traction._

' _Can I come by later? When I've finished my shift?'_

' _I'm staying at Polly's'_

' _Since when?'_

' _Since you just told me you were planning on coming by later'_

' _So why does that mean you have to stay at Polly's?'_

' _Because I know if you come by later, I'll let you in and I'll ask you to the stay the night'_

' _Why?'_

' _Are you a child?- Why? Why? Why?'_

 _Alex pauses and then repeats, grinning 'why?'_

' _You're such a fucking idiot'_

' _You didn't answer my question'_

 _She sighs, frustrated and Alex doesn't know if it's with her or herself._

' _Because I fucking miss you ok? I miss us'._

' _So can I come over tonight?' she repeats, more hopefully this time._

' _Yes' she replies, almost in a whisper, 'Ok'_

 _Alex grins._

' _No need to look so fucking smug about it'_

 _Alex laughs. 'I'd better go, my shift starts in ten minutes'_

' _Ok, well, have a good evening' Piper says reaching for the door handle 'and Al'_

' _Yea?'_

' _Try and stay out of trouble'._

 _She nods; but trouble has a way of hounding her, it always has. That's the problem._

 _Last Fall_

 _She calls her from the car and Piper sounds surprisingly alert for 3am. 'I'll be over in ten' Alex says._

 _She gets there in five, pushing the Cutlass to its limits and practically sprints up the stairs when Piper buzzes her in. It's more than likely the coke. But it should be wearing off soon, she took it hours ago._

 _Piper opens the apartment door and she has strange look on her face, of confusion and concern._

' _Your nose is bleeding Al' she says, hurriedly ushering her in. She grabs a damp cloth and sits Alex on the couch, her head tilted back slightly, insisting she pinches the bridge of her nose and keeps still._

' _Why do I get the impression you're intentionally making me look like an ass by sitting like this' Alex mumbles._

' _I'm not, this is what you're supposed to do when you have a nose bleed. Has it stopped yet?' Alex dabs under her nose with a tissue that Piper has given her. 'Yea, it seems manageable now'_

' _Good, now what you have to do is stand up on one leg and hop in a circle, anti clockwise'_

' _Fuck you, now you definitely_ _are_ _trying to make me look like an idiot'_

 _And Piper laughs and it's light and it's free and it's nice._

 _She cleans the dried blood from Alex's face with the damp cloth. 'You're going to need to soak that' she says, pointing to Alex's heavily stained, white, work shirt. 'Take it off'_

' _Easy there tiger' she grins._

' _I meant so that I could soak it' she replies, rolling her eyes._

 _Alex shakes her head 'it's fine, I've got plenty more'._

' _You need to take better care of yourself' Piper says finishing off the clean up and throwing the cloth into the trash._

 _Alex doesn't reply, she knows what's caused it, it happened a few days before too. But it's fine, because tonight was the last time she is going to use the stuff._

' _What I said earlier in the car, I meant it. I do you miss you Alex'. She pauses, looking away briefly, hesitating before she continues with that she says. 'Can I ask you something?'_

' _Sure'_

' _Tonight, when we're in bed, can you just hold me?'_

' _Yea…of course….but'_

' _Please Al, that's all I want ok?'_

 _Alex nods. 'We can fix this, can't we?'_

 _Piper doesn't reply, she just takes Alex's hand and leads her into the bedroom. They don't speak for the rest of the night. The question remains unanswered, drifting in the air: nowhere to settle._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Alex is surveying the numerous shopping bags that surround them as they sit in a coffee shop. There's still four months to go, but Piper has insisted on planning ahead and buying literally two of everything she could get her hands on in the department store, either because she had 'read' it was advisable, or Polly had told her she 'couldn't have managed without it' when Finn was born.

Alex isn't entirely sure what half of it even is, but she just nods and smiles all the same as Piper provides her with a very detailed explanation of each and every item.

'I'm boring you aren't I?' Piper says, eventually pausing for breath.

'Uh, no, what makes you think that?' Alex replies, taking a sip of coffee, which is now cold.

'Ok, so what was the last thing I just said?'

'Errrr…something about babies?'

'Al!'

'I'm sorry, it's just that I'm not good with the details'

'You mean you don't care for the details'

'Of course I care, I just don't need to know the intimate workings of a breast pump'

'Fine. So what _do_ you want to talk about then?'

Alex shrugs. Her mind has just been so infested with baby related things that it's starting to suffocate her, like she needs a breather; some time away.

'Well, you have a think about what I'm allowed to talk about whilst I visit the bathroom' Piper says, walking off in a huff.

Alex sighs, she knows she's being unfair, Piper's just excited and at the very least, she should let her have that, but it's that feeling again, halfway between fear and blind panic, that's threatening to bubble up to the surface, like last Fall…

There's a loud clatter and the sound of glass being smashed, she looks up to see some guy has walked straight into Piper, dropping the contents of his tray in the process. Alex shoots up from her chair, the rage propelling her towards him. He's middle aged, stocky, fucking ugly and snarling at Piper.

'Watch where you're fucking going' he snaps, inspecting the stain creeping across his jeans.

Piper is motionless, staring at the pool of coffee on the floor in a daze, a hand protectively resting on her stomach.

'Women' he mutters, turning away.

'Don't you dare fucking speak to her like that' Alex snaps.

'Who the fuck are you?' the man says turning back around, a slight look of amusement on his face.

A waitress glances over and hurries away to grab a mop and bucket.

'Al, leave it' Piper says hesitantly. She knows where this is going to head and it's nowhere good, plus people are starting to stare, like it's some sort of show.

'Fucking jackass' Alex snaps.

'What did you just say?' he replies, his eyes narrowing.

'So you're deaf as well as looking like a mountain troll'

'You little bitch' he hisses, taking a step towards Alex.

'We're leaving' Piper says grabbing Alex's arm.

'What you planning on doing, you gonna hit me? Alex says, ignoring Piper, refusing to budge. She's daring him now, it's not even a calculated risk, because she's kinda hoping he does try something.

'Al' Piper says firmer this time, tugging on her arm.

'You better listen to your little friend, before someone gets hurt' he grins.

'She's fucking pregnant you dick, so maybe next time watch what you're fucking doing'

'Oh' he replies, his expression suddenly changing…I didn't…she's wearing a coat I couldn't see…..'

'It's fine really' Piper interrupts.

'No it fucking isn't, he hasn't even apologised' Alex replies, refusing to let up.

'Seriously, I didn't realise, I'm sorry' he continues, his tone almost completely transformed. 'Can I buy you both a cup of coffee?'

'Fuck you' Alex says turning away and walking back to their seats.

'What were you doing?' Piper asks tailing behind her, cheeks flushing slightly as people throw her sympathetic glances.

'Are you ok and the baby?' Alex replies, her hand brushing over Piper's stomach.

'It's fine, you don't need to wrap me in cotton wool a little bump isn't going to do any harm'

'Yea, well the guy was a shit anyway, he deserved it'

'Al you can't just kick off like that, these things happen. What are you going to do when the baby is born? Not let either of us out of the house?'

'That doesn't sound like such a bad plan' Alex replies, sullen, hunkering down into a chair.

'Don't be ridiculous'

'I'm not, I just worry about it…you….everything….I can't always be around and if something happens….' Her thoughts are running away from her, no longer making sense and everything is acutely noisier somehow; the clattering of plates and cups, the hissing of steam from the coffee machine and the mindless chatter around her. She needs to get out. Now.

'I need a cigarette' she mutters, ignoring the look of puzzlement on Piper's face and heads outside.

It's bitter cold and it's windy. She licks her lips, placing a cigarette between them and after several attempts, manages to light it. The smoke unfurls, snatched away on brusque winter breeze. She closes her eyes. It feels like last Fall.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Piper juggles her bags and keys before eventually managing to open the door to the apartment. She dumps her bags on the floor, removes her pinching shoes and immediately sighs with relief. The doctor warned her this might happen; the joys of pregnancy water retention.

'Al? Alex?' The kitchen window has been left open, the remnants of burnt eggs in the frying pan on the stove, but there's no sign of Alex. Today is her day off and they are supposed to be going to Pete and Polly's for dinner in half an hour, but there's no sign of her. Piper dials her number and sighs, when she hears her cellphone ringing from the living room. It's unlike her to just leave the apartment without it, but then Piper hasn't heard from her for most of the day. And then her throat is dry, her mind flooding with panic, because it's last Fall again.

She rushes into the bedroom and opens the cupboard, two bags are missing and Alex's car keys are nowhere to be seen. She hurries into the spare room and her anxiety rises as she notices some of Alex's things are gone. She places a hand on the baby crib to steady herself and looks up at the play mobile hanging above it, yanking it down in anger and frustration. It immediately begins playing a lullaby and she doesn't know why, but it makes her want to scream. She rips the batteries out and flings it across the room. There can't be any doubt; she's left. Her faith in Alex had been misplaced.

Piper sinks to the floor, her back pressed against the cold wall.

Alone.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: So considering all the reviews that were aghast at the ending of the last chapter and the** **many** **messages I received, I thought it cruel to leave you all hanging for too long, so here's another chapter.**

 **Only one person managed to correctly guess what happened to Alex, so well done Sam.**

 **Now as for the chapter structure, first lot of italics are the year after last fall, so two years into the future. Last fall has been labeled accordingly for you and the 'present' is in normal font and also sub headed for you. Don't forget, when we last left the 'present', Piper had left Larry and was heading to Diane's on Christmas day.**

 **Once again, thank you so much for all your reviews and messages and of course, if you like this chapter, you know what to do…**

 **Here we go…**

 _She's not going to cry, she won't allow it, won't give Alex that power over her. Instead her mind is flooded with images of knowing looks from Polly and her mother. They won't say the actual words- I told you so, but there will be no room for confusion in what they are thinking._

 _She stares back over at the crib. Suddenly this whole task seems monumental, raising a baby alone, a whole life dependent on_ _just_ _her. And now she's cursing the fact she insisted they choose a donor with dark hair and green eyes, because she doesn't want even a slight chance that she's going to be left with a reminder: not of her._

 _And then there's a sound. She's motionless trying to decipher what it is, until she realises; it's keys turning in the front door. She struggles up off the floor, annoyed at the extra baby weight and hurries out of the room, just in time to see Alex closing the front door behind her as she lets herself in, bags in hand._

' _Pipes? You ok?' she says, spotting her, breathless and flushed. 'The baby?' she's concerned now, deep lines etched across her face, glancing down at the bump. But all the upset and anger that Piper has been bottling up for the last twenty minutes comes rushing out, catching Alex unawares: a brutal tide coming in._

' _Where the fuck where you?' She spits, eyes narrowed, blood raging through her._

' _I cleared out some stuff from the spare room, like you keep nagging me to'_

' _The bags…your fucking phone…'_

' _I had to put the stuff in something and I only realised I had forgotten my phone when I was already half way there. I figured I wasn't going to be long, so I didn't bother coming back for it, but then I went to the store to swap the baby monitors and the queue was huge and….'_

' _Fucking baby monitors?' Piper replies confused._

' _Yea' Alex says, holding a shopping bag up. 'I was trying to set them up to see if they worked and one of them was faulty, so I took it back to the store and got a better model. What's going on Pipes, what's with the third degree?'_

 _Piper sinks into a chair, with relief and a strange elation. She doesn't have to do this alone, Alex is right here. She feels drained, like every ounce of energy has been sucked out of her._

' _Piper?' she's crouching down in front of her now. 'Are you sure you're both ok?' she says, placing a hand tenderly on the bump._

 _Piper nods, it's all she can bring herself to do right now. A pang of shame stabs at her, for doubting the person she loves more than anything._

 _And then suddenly, the cruel truth is dawning on Alex. 'You thought I'd left' she says so softly it's almost to herself, 'that I'd taken my stuff and just gone'. Her eyes are searching Piper's for confirmation, for any answer, but she's looking away now, too ashamed to acknowledge the truth. That she was so quickly prepared to think the worst._

' _Tell me i'm wrong?' she's almost pleading with Piper now, but she can't lie to her, her eyes can never hide the truth. Not from Alex._

' _I'm sorry' she replies softly, 'I just….just….'_

' _I spent half an hour in the store, talking about fucking baby monitors for_ _our_ _child and you think I was half way to god knows where trying to escape from all of this?!'_

 _Her face is in her hands now and she's sighing deeply and Piper doesn't know what to say or do to make this all ok, to make it clear how sorry she is for doubting her._

' _If you don't trust me Piper, then how can we do this? If every time I go out to get milk or something, you think I've bought a one way ticket to Utah!'_

' _Utah?' she pauses, for some reason it wants to make her giggle, in the midst of all this fucked up nonsense, Utah is making her smile._

' _Yea…you don't like the desert or something?'_

' _It's just so random….' And now Piper_ _is_ _laughing and she can't help herself._

' _You're fucking crazy, you know that?' Alex replies, but she's smiling too. 'Utah' she repeats. 'You never been to Salt Lake City?'_

 _And Piper is in fits of giggles and she doesn't know why, except for that she's relieved because Alex is right here in front of her and she's not going anywhere. They are going to do this: together._

' _I'm going to blame the baby hormones on this latest display of crazy' Alex says shaking her head._

' _I'm sorry' Piper says, eventually catching her breath._

' _For what?'_

 _And now she's solemn again, cupping Alex's face with her hands, holding her gaze hard and true. 'For not believing in you. I will from now on, I promise'._

 _Alex wishes she could yell about the injustice of it all, complain about how unfair it is, but really, she's bought this all on herself. Because of last Fall and so she can't blame her, fuck knows she'd probably think the same thing herself._

' _I'm here, that's all you need to know, ok?'_

 _Piper nods._

' _You do realise that we're now twenty minutes late for dinner at Prissy Polly's don't you?'_

' _Al, you said you weren't going to call her that any more' Piper says, trying desperately not to smile, to give Alex any encouragement to make fun of her best friend. It isn't as if she needs it after all._

' _It's not like I say it to her face' Alex says, opening the baby monitor box._

' _She's my friend'_

' _Yup and I don't hold that against you, we all have our flaws'_

' _Al….'_

' _What?'_

' _Stop it'_

 _Alex smiles to herself, remembering the night at the bar when Polly tried to kiss her. Neither of them have ever told Piper about that, but it always gives her a small pang of pleasure, knowing that she has that over Polly, that for all of her airs and graces, she's weak, no better than Alex._

' _Which baby monitor did you get anyway?'_

 _Alex hands her the box, 'see, this one has HD video, better sound quality and an under the mattress sensor pad. The guy at the store said…'_

 _Piper stops her mid sentence with a kiss, full and warm. She pulls away slightly 'I love you' she says, her eyes seeking something within the depths of Alex's._

' _Of course you do, you have great taste. You really want to go to Polly's?' she says, placing the box on the table and kissing Piper's neck softly._

' _Mmmm….Al…' Piper's struggling to come up with a strong argument as to why they really need to leave the apartment, but she tries all the same 'she's made salmon en croute…'_

 _But Alex's lips have now moved down to the base of her neck and across her collarbone… 'And….watercress salad…'_

' _Sure' Alex mumbles in between kisses, 'Well, I was planning on making you cum_ _many_ _times and then ordering pizza, but I guess the choice is yours'_

' _Crème brulee' Piper replies, barely in control of her senses._

 _Alex pulls away briefly, 'is that supposed to be some sort of come on Pipes? Because if it is, then I really think that I'm_ _not_ _your target audience'_

' _Shut up you idiot' she replies 'that's Polly's dessert'_

 _Alex raises an eyebrow 'so goddamn bourgeois'. Her fingers trail under Piper's skirt and along her inner thigh; slowly, deliciously, each wave of warmth gathering momentum as it pulses through Piper. 'Just shut up and fuck me will you' she says, her breathing becoming more rapid._

' _Anything you say ma'am' Alex says lifting her on to the dining table as Piper wraps her legs around Alex's waist. And Piper can't help but think; she's never really liked crème brulee anyway._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Last Fall_

 _It's Saturday morning and Piper is still asleep. Alex doesn't want to wake her because she doesn't want to risk the chance that she'll ask her to leave, that allowing her to stay over last night was just a one off that she will regret in the cold light of day. So instead, she slides out of bed and pads to the kitchen to make herself coffee._

 _It feels strange to be back in their apartment and it's amazing how much better her neck is after just one night in a normal bed. But she can't afford to take another apartment whilst she's still paying for this one and if she stops paying rent on this, it's almost as if she's admitting defeat, like she knows it's over and she's not prepared to do that. Not if she can help it._

 _She opens the fridge and grimaces at the carton of Soy Milk, so she takes the coffee black, grabs her cigarettes from her coat and lights one._

' _At least open the window if you're going to do that inside' Piper says from the doorway, rubbing sleep from her eyes._

' _Sorry' Alex mumbles and immediately stubs it out in the sink: no longer in the mood to smoke. An awkward silence settles; neither of them sure what to say or do; of what last night really means in the grand scheme of things. 'You want some coffee?' she offers._

 _Piper nods, 'I don't have any cream though'_

' _I know' Alex replies grinning, 'I saw that Soy milk shit in the fridge'._

' _You should try it some time, open your mind'_

' _My mind is open, plenty open, just not when it comes to Soy milk'_

 _Piper smiles, she knows where this conversation is headed, this is Alex after all, so she changes the subject. 'So what are your plans for today?'_

 _Alex immediately bristles at the use of the word 'your' like's she's segregating their days into two neat, individual compartments, no room to overlap. She shrugs, hiding the hurt, 'nothing much, I have to work later….'_

 _Piper nods, 'I just thought maybe we could go for breakfast and talk?'_

 _Alex's is waiting for the punch line._

' _You don't want to?' Piper says, taking her silence as a no._

' _Of course I do' Alex replies sounding more eager than she had intended to._

' _Great ok, well let me just go and shower and we can head out'_

' _You need a hand scrubbing your back?' Alex grins._

' _As kind as that offer is, I'm sure I'll be ok'_

' _Sure? I'm very thorough, I_ _never_ _miss a spot'_

' _Nice try, but it's still no'_

' _Spoil sport'_

' _I'm being sensible Al'_

' _Boring more like'_

' _Sensible' she repeats, almost as if she's trying to convince herself, the thought of hot steaming water, cascading off the taught muscles under Alex's flawless porcelain skin, making her feel a little warmer than she wants to._

' _It's my final offer' she replies, taking a sip of coffee, her eyes regarding Piper over the rim of the mug._

 _Piper walks over to her wordlessly, places Alex's drink in the sink and pushes her against the counter top, almost slamming her lips into Alex's; they're warm and hungry and Alex can feel the familiarity of the taste and touch causing something to stir inside, but then Piper pulls away as quickly as she started and she's grinning._

' _What the fuck?' Alex says, more than a little confused._

' _I just wanted to see if I still had it and judging by the look on your face, I still have' she smiles. She turns back towards the door, 'now I'm going for a shower…'_

' _I might check on you in a little while, cos y'know, a high percentage of accidents happen in the home.'_

' _I'm going to bolt the door Al' she yells back, laughing._

 _Alex groans. Still, this is progress. This is good._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Last Fall_

 _The bacon is too greasy and the eggs are overdone, plus Alex has lost her appetite, because her gut is churning about what Piper is planning to say, of the assurances she is going to want, of what she is genuinely capable of giving her. But she thinks she can do this, she really can, if she knows they are for keeps, she can, she's sure of it._

' _You don't look like you're enjoying that' Piper says, taking a mouthful of yogurt and fruit. She seems calm, together and that's making Alex feel even more unnerved._

' _Yea, guess I'm not that hungry', she pushes her plate away. 'So you wanted to talk?'_

' _Yes, I did' she pauses, taking a sip of tea. 'I need to understand' she says, her eyes locked with Alex's, 'why did you leave? Were you just scared? Or was it something more?'_

' _Like what?'_

' _Like you're not sure about us anymore'_

 _Alex shakes her head, 'no, never, I've always been sure of that'_

 _Piper allows herself a small smile at that, but quickly conceals it again before she resumes speaking. 'So it was just the baby'_

 _Alex drops her gaze to the plate, staring at the fatty bacon and almost flouresencent yellow of the egg yolk and she's starting to feel a little nauseas, like she needs something to take the edge off, but she's promised herself that last night was the last time she was going to take the stuff so she can't._

' _Al?'_

' _I don't know what you want me to say Piper, it freaked me out, I thought I wasn't ready'_

' _But I didn't even know I was pregnant for sure then, I just said I_ _thought_ _I might be and even that was enough to make you bail'_

' _I didn't bail' she snaps, 'I didn't, I just needed to clear my head, I was always going to come back. But listen to me Piper, if I knew you were going have a miscarriage, if I knew you were in trouble, I wouldn't have gone. Never.'_

' _But you weren't there Alex, when I needed you the most, you had left' her voice begins to crack. She looks away from Alex, back to her food, but the tension refuses to lift. 'And nothing's changed' she mumbles, 'you only want me, not a baby'._

 _Alex has spent weeks mulling over this very question, forcing herself to be brutally honest and what she's realised is that without Piper there's a horrid chasm, where her heart should be; black and deep and fucking empty. It's cold and it's bleak and goddamn unbearable. But most of all, she knows that Piper will love a baby like nothing else and she's kinda enamored with the idea of Piper being so in love with something in that way and so it's made her realise, she can do this after all, it can work. They can do it: together._

 _So she tells her that and Piper smiles and the relief captures her eyes in a way that she's never seen before, lending them another depth almost and it's magnificent and special all at the same time. And who would have thought that the truth would help, that it could actually fix things._

' _And you're sure about this?' she says, squeezing Alex's hand across the table._

' _Never been more sure of anything in my whole life'_

' _But you were scared and….'_

' _I still am, aren't you?'_

' _I guess so…but not enough to make me change my mind'_

' _So neither will I, you just need to trust me. I can't promise it won't get shaky, but I can promise that I'll be right here. Ok?' She's hoping this is going to be enough, because this is literally everything she has to offer her right now and if she says no, then there is no plan B._

' _Sure' she replies smiling. And everything suddenly feels remarkably ok._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The present

On the drive over, Alex is more nervous about Christmas day with Diane than Piper is. This could be because Piper has assured her that parents always 'love her' or because Alex has never introduced a girlfriend to her mother before, largely due to the fact they aren't around long enough for her to do so. But either way, her stomach is knotting and her throat feels dry and she's kinda willing the day to be over before they've even got there. She's strumming her fingers on the steering wheel, but it's wildly out of sync to the song that's playing on the radio.

'I need a cigarette' she says to Piper, 'can you pass me one?'

But rather than placing it between Alex's lips and lighting it, Piper places it between her own, lights it, take a drag and blows out the smoke, her eyes not leaving Alex's face for the whole time. She passes it to Alex, resting it between her lips; it tastes of her and there's something strangely illicit about it that Alex finds deliciously pleasurable, but they're heading to her mother's so she can't let these type of thoughts addle her brain, so she thinks about dinner instead, 'roast potatoes' she mutters to herself.

'What?' Piper says smiling.

'Nothing' she replies, a little embarrassed.

'Did you just say something about potatoes?'

'Errrmmm'

'Why are you muttering about potatoes?'

'I…I'm just trying to divert my mind, ok?'

'From what?' Piper asks, a little bemused.

'From you'

'From me, but….' And then she twigs and the grin on her face spells trouble and Alex knows that and immediately regrets her confession.

'Oh dear, so you're getting a little hot and bothered already' Piper says, 'So I guess it wouldn't help much if I did this' she says, her fingers lightly trailing across the nape of Alex's neck.

'Piper…I'm driving'

'I know you are honey, I can see that' she grins.

'So quit doing that' she says, her teeth gritted.

'Oh sure no problem' she replies, moving her hand underneath Alex's jumper and sliding it under her bra instead. Her flesh is warm and supple and her touch immediately causes Alex to shift in her seat as Piper begins to circle a nipple with her fingertips.

'Fuck sake…Piper' Alex manages to rasp. The muscle in her jaw is pulsing like crazy now and Alex can feel the blood pounding in her head.

'Oh Al, I really hate to see you suffer like this' Piper says removing her hand and immediately Alex's breathing becomes easier. But her respite is short lived as now Piper's fingers are making their way along the waistband of Alex's jeans and towards the warmth of her core, burrowing deeper inside. 'Jesus Al, you're dripping wet'. She rolls the r in dripping longer than she needs to do and it's all Alex can do to retain any semblance of sanity.

'Piper, if you don't stop this, then I swear to god I'm going to drive into the nearest ditch'.

She laughs, light and playful, but complies nonetheless a satisfied grin plastered across her face. 'Still thinking about potatoes?' she asks.

Alex shakes her head, 'you're a fucking nightmare'.

'That you never want to wake up from'

'Maybe, just don't try any of this at my mom's ok…Piper?'

But she's staring out of the window, smiling. This is already the best Christmas she's had in a long time.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

They stop for gas and Alex steps outside the car to go and get some soda. Piper's phone begins to ring. She checks the display and it's Polly again. She sighs, but figures she should answer, given how abruptly she ended the call this morning.

'Hey Poll'

'So before I begin, can you tell me if you're planning on cutting the call part way through this time?'

'Well that depends'

'On what?'

'Whether you're going to bad mouth my girlfriend'. It's the first time she's said it out loud and she likes the way it sounds, likes what it means; that Alex belongs to her.

'I wasn't bad mouthing her Piper, but the way you treated Larry…well it was not cool'

'Look, I don't want to get into this again, so if….'

'Will you speak to him?'

'What?'

'He's here, just for a minute, please Pipes, he's really down, it might make him feel better and get him off _our_ couch for a while…please….I am your best friend aren't I?'

'Ugh, that's such a sneaky card to use Poll'

She laughs, 'I know and I'm sorry, but desperate times…'

Piper figures it's the least she can do really, after all, Larry isn't Polly's problem, but thanks to the mess that Piper has gotten herself into, she's been landed with the collateral damage. 'Fine, but it better be quick' she says as she spots Alex finishing up.

There's a brief fumbling sound as the phone gets passed over and then she hears him, immediately cheered to hear her voice and guilt pricks at her.

'Merry Christmas' he says, trying to sound jolly, but unable to hide the slightly forlorn tone to his voice.

'Merry Christmas' she replies flatly.

There's an awkward silence for a few seconds and then he asks her the question that's clearly the main reason for this phone call. 'Are you with _him?'_

'Who?'

'I know you've left me for someone else, I've heard Polly mention someone called Alex, but Pipes, he can't give you what I can, you can't forget all those years we had together, it was good wasn't it? We had fun? I know things got rough recently, with the baby and stuff, but I'll try harder, I promise I will, this Alex guy, he can't make you happy in the way I can, I know he can't'

Alex has got back in the car now and a slight panic is creeping over Piper. 'You ok' she mouths at Piper. She nods and forces a smile, wondering how to end this conversation without making the situation worse.

'Look, I can't really talk right now Larry' she replies, immediately regretting saying his name, as Alex's eyes are wide and suspicious.

'You're with him aren't you?'

She sighs, there's no point in denying it, 'yes, I'm with Alex'

'I can't believe you could do this to me, at Christmas as well….I haven't even been able to go to my parents, I've been so distraught and meanwhile you're off frolicking with your lover..'

'It isn't like that, look, I'd better go, we're not getting anywhere and you're just upsetting yourself'

'You mean you don't want to face up to what you've done, how you've ruined my life by being selfish'

She can hear Polly in the background now, telling him to end the call, that he needs to calm down, but he's not paying any attention because he's on a roll; a little tipsy still and very hurt and angry.

'You're a bitch you know that' he spits 'a real piece of work, my mother warned me about you'. He says it so loudly that Alex has heard and from the look on her face, she's not about to let that pass. She snatches the phone out of Piper's hand barely giving her time to react.

'Hey jackass' she says

'Who the hell's this?' Larry asks, confused

'Al, give me the phone back please' Piper says, making an ineffective grab for it.

'I'm Alex'

' _The_ Alex'

'Yea'

'But…..but…you're a woman'

'Great powers of deduction Einstein, anything else? Because if not, I suggest you fuck right off and stop harassing my girlfriend'.

'She left me for you…a woman…'

'No flies on you Chief….'

'Al please, just hang up' Piper says, the desperation increasing by the second.

She sighs 'Look Larry, I'm sure you're great and everything and you've had a tough time recently, but if I _ever_ and I mean _ever_ hear you speak to Piper like that again, then believe me, it won't matter that I'm not a man, because I'm going to turn into your worst fucking nightmare, you got that?'

'I …I…'

'Good, Merry Christmas' she says hanging up and tossing the phone back to Piper.

'Al….you really shouldn't have….'

'What? He thinks he can speak to you like that?' she shakes her head 'not a chance.'

I'm sorry about that, Polly called me and asked me to speak to him, I didn't know he was going to…'

'Look, don't worry about it, I'm pretty sure he's got the message now' she grins.

'Well you weren't exactly subtle about it'

'It's not my forte'

'I gathered'

'We good to go?'

'Sure' she replies, and hurriedly changes the subject, praying Larry won't call back. 'I can't wait to see all your mom's baby pictures of you'

'Piper…'

'What, it will be fun…'

'You're skating on thin ice as it is with that stunt you pulled when I was driving'

'It wasn't a stunt'

'What was it then?'

'More like a magic trick; how to raise your blood pressure to dangerous levels within five seconds'

'Isn't there normally an ending to a trick?'

'That's for when we get back to the apartment later' she grins.

Alex laughs, because this is better than any sorcerer or magic show.

This is real.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: *Chapter Alert***

 **Before I begin, thank you all tremendously for all your fantastic messages and reviews as ever. There are some very funny and clever people on here and it's a joy to discuss Vauseman stuff with you all.**

 **K, so for this Chapter, the present is labeled as thus, so is Last Fall and the other set of Italics are a flash forward 2 years, so the following year on from Last Fall.**

 **The 'Olivia' stuff…well you'll just have to wait and see.**

 **So, if you like it, do your usual…**

 **Oh and this chapter is rated M for Vauseman shenanigans.**

 **Let's take it away…..**

 _Olivia_

 _Was the beginning and the end_

 _The periphery of every thought_

 _The only meaning you never fully understood_

 _Unfathomable_

 _Unstoppable_

 _Beautiful_

 _Complex_

 _And as soon as you locked eyes, you knew….._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

' _Do you have to leave already?'_

' _Pipes, I'm going to be late for the bar' Alex says scrambling out of bed._

 _They've been lying there most of the afternoon having long leisurely sex, interspersed with disagreements about baby names from the bumper book they have in front of them. So far, they have disagreed about virtually every single suggestion: each quarrel ending with more sex. Alex had assumed that once Piper was pregnant, that would all tail off, but as it turns out, her libido has shot through the roof and in between working two jobs, Alex is struggling to keep up._

' _But I'm really horny'_

' _Seriously? Still?'_

' _I can't help it' Piper replies, kicking off the covers, 'it's my pregnancy hormones, apparently it's a common occurrence'_

' _I'm pretty sure I read that was most prevalent during the first trimester, which you're no longer in, so….'_

' _Well everyone's different' Piper replies, shuffling up the bed awkwardly and retrieving the book of baby names from the nightstand. She leafs through the pages once again, her eyes occasionally flicking up to watch Alex dress._

' _You know, you look much better with your clothes off' she grins._

' _Yea, I'm sure that would go down well at the bar'_

' _I'd certainly pay more for a Mai Tai if you served it to me naked'_

' _That's because you're a highly sexed, pregnant WASP. Now quit giving me those eyes, I've really got to leave in like ten minutes'_

' _But I miss you when you're not here' she pouts and so does….Cornelious….' she says pointing to the bump._

' _What?'_

' _Teddy?'_

' _No!'_

' _Wilma?'_

' _Is this the fucking Flintsones?!'_

' _Brice? Coen? Quinten? Gigi?'_

' _Gigi? You want her to grow up to be a fucking lap dancer? Because that's the only career a name like Gigi is going to get her, that or a cheerleader'_

' _Dexie? Opal? Tiggy?'_

' _No, no, no!' she laughs. 'Jesus, I think these hormones have messed with your brain as well as your sex drive, do you want the kid to be taunted for life?'_

' _Fine' she huffs. You know we can find out the sex of the baby at the scan next week right?'_

' _I thought we had agreed we wanted it to be a surprise?' Alex says, pulling on a shirt._

' _Yea, but if we know, we can plan better….for instance, deciding on a name….'_

' _The problem with the name will not be resolved by finding out the gender of the baby, because_ _all_ _of your suggestions are weird, whether they're for a boy or a girl'_

' _I just want them to have something that will be impactful, y'know?'_

' _Hmmmm…well you think about that, whilst I'm at work' she says, leaning over to first kiss Piper on the forehead and then the baby bump, 'I better go, I'll call you on my break, ok?'_

 _Piper nods._

 _Alex grabs her car keys and makes her way out of the door._

' _I'll text you some more name suggestions' Piper shouts after her._

' _No!' Alex yells back laughing. God she's fucking adorable._

 _Last Fall_

 _It's raining; the kind of rain that makes the Noah's Ark story plausible. She's about to get out of the car to make the sodden walk from her parking spot to the bar, but Chloe suddenly appears at the passenger side window and before Alex can protest, she's climbed into the car._

 _She's soaked through, her dirty blonde hair hanging limply round her face, eye make up a little smudged. She's not wearing a coat so her white work shirt clings to each and every curve: a dangerously evocative second skin._

 _'Hey' she says, rouged lips pulled into a smile._

 _'Hey, are you on shift now?'_

 _'Uh huh'_

 _'I thought you didn't work Saturday's any more?' Alex says, immediately suspicious._

 _'Jess wanted to swap because it's her boyfriend's birthday tonight'_

 _Alex doesn't know whether to call bullshit or not, after all, it's a perfectly plausible reason, but something about this girl always gives her cause for concern_

 _'Well, guess we both better get to work then' Alex says turning away from her, ready to climb out of the car. But she can feel Chloe's hand on her arm; forceful, desperate, so she turns back._

 _'Wait a sec, we still have twenty minutes to go'_

 _'I've got some stuff to do' Alex lies_

 _'At least wait for the rain to ease a little' she reasons, 'plus I have treat that I_ _know_ _you'll enjoy' she grins._

 _The word 'treat' immediately sends a feeling of unease through Alex. She watches as Chloe fumbles around in the pocket of her pants and pulls out a small square packet of white powder. Immediately Alex's heart begins to race with excitement and anticipation. Recollections of her last buzz come flooding back to her and suddenly she's craving the contents of the packet more than anything she can remember. She rubs her nose instinctively._

 _This girl is as unpredictable as fuck._

 _'Where did you get that from?' She asks, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible._

 _'I have my sources' Chloe grins._

 _'Yea, well, this isn't a game kid' Alex replies, desperate to get up and leave, but somehow her body won't comply with what her mind is screaming._

 _'I've told you before, don't call me that' she replies, her expression immediately dropping._

 _'What?'_

 _'Kid'_

 _Alex sighs, 'but you practically are'_

 _'Well, if you gave into temptation and just fucked me, then you'd see just how grown up I really was' she says, her eyes fixed on Alex, watching for any change in expression._

 _Alex swallows hard, her eyes drawn to the pink and black lace bra she can see through Chloe's shirt and the gentle curve of her breasts._

 _'You're thinking about it aren't you?' She smiles._

 _Alex doesn't reply; her mind is a mess. She should speak to Piper and then it will be ok. 'I need to make a call' she says, almost choking on her own words._

 _'No you don't' Chloe says, carefully emptying the contents of the packet on to the dashboard and cutting two neat lines with her work ID card. It's strangely methodical: learnt._

 _'You wanna go first?'_

 _But Alex is motionless, frozen to the spot, straddling the line between agony and ecstasy._

 _'Suit yourself' she says shrugging, rolling a dollar bill and leaning in for her hit._

 _'Wait!' Alex says grabbing her arm. 'This really isn't a good idea'. But she can almost smell it and it's within reaching distance; the bitter, chemical tang that sets her blood ablaze, her mind-alight._

 _'Come on Al' she says grinning, 'I've seen you before in the bathroom of the bar….'_

 _'Yea...well you don't want to end up like me, do you?'_

 _'Why, what's so wrong with you?'_

 _'We don't have enough time to list all of the reasons, just think about what you're doing, OK?' She licks her lips, this really is an excruciating torture. But instead she focuses on what Piper would say if she could see her now, the look on her face and she's come too far to fuck it all up now...hasn't she?_

 _Chloe ignores her and hovers over the powder with the rolled up note, but there's something in her hesitation, as if she's trying to recollect something and now her hand is shaking a little and then Alex realises, she's never done this before and there's something so sad and vulnerable about it that fills Alex with a deep, dark despair._

 _Her eyes flit back to Alex, looking for reassurance, anger, just about anything._

 _'You've no idea what you're doing, have you?' Alex says, feeling strangely calmer._

 _'Yea...of course I do...' She replies, but the dollar bill slips out of her hand and she's scrabbling around in the shadowy foot well of the car to retrieve it: desperate and slightly panicky. She's just a kid, a silly kid with a crush, who's trying too hard to impress._

 _Alex snatches the note up from the floor and Chloe reaches to grab it back, but Alex stuffs it into her jacket._

' _Hey, that was mine'_

' _I'm sure you'll manage without a dollar'_

' _I need it for…' she glances back over at the coke. The moonlight glints off the dashboard making the powder almost luminous: radiating with a warning._

' _What's this about Chloe?'_

' _I just thought we could have some fun' she says leaning over, her wet hair falling into her eyes, her hand resting on Alex's thigh. She leans in further still, stretching the button across her shirt, revealing the dip between her breasts and Alex is calling upon her inner most focus, ignoring the fact she hasn't had sex in over two months and focusing on Piper and the future._

' _Why do you look so scared Al?' Chloe whispers, her breath is warm and strangely familiar, her eyes expectant._

 _She wants me to fuck her Alex thinks, right here in this car, she wants me to fuck her. She swallows hard at the thought, of what her flesh would feel like, how she would taste. It would be easy enough, with Chloe there would be no strings. She could do a line of Coke, fuck her and it would be nice and maybe even fun._

' _I want you Alex' she says softly, her fingertips sliding under the waistband of Alex's jeans and then, almost immediately, the spell is broken, because her touch feels wrong somehow, repellant even, because her body recognises that she's not what it covets; she isn't Piper._

' _Stop!' she snaps, grabbing Chloe's wrist a little firmer than she intended, the nervous energy getting the better of her._

' _Ow, what the fuck!' she says, recoiling in shock._

' _Sorry, I didn't mean to do that'_

' _Fuck's sake' Chloe replies, rubbing her wrist_

' _You just…I warned you before…..' Her mind is freefalling now because the powder is still sitting there, taunting her. She would feel stronger, more able to deal with this if she just had one line and then tomorrow, she could start afresh, of course she could. She pats her pocket; the dollar bill's still in there and it comforts her somehow when she knows it shouldn't._

' _What the fuck's wrong with you?' Chloe continues, still sour from the rebuff, 'I wouldn't tell that stupid girlfriend of yours anyway, no one would need to know'_

' _Why are you even doing this?'_

' _What do you mean?'_

' _I'm sure there's plenty of other girls or guys you can fuck, unattached and your age'_

' _But I don't want them' she replies in a way that makes her seem even more petulant and child like._

 _Alex sighs, frustrated. 'You ever been in love?'_

' _Errrmm'_

' _If you have to think about it, then the answer's no'_

' _Whatever'_

' _Look, unless you've been in love, I mean like mind warping, full on crazy fucking love, then you won't get it, but until then, you're gonna have to take my word for this; you wouldn't want to sully that feeling by randomly fucking someone.'_

 _She's quiet now, lips formed into a neat little pout, arms crossed and her display of defiance is almost making Alex want to laugh. 'You know something?' she says, finally breaking the silence._

' _What?'_

' _Mia was totally right, you are a jerk…an_ _old_ _jerk' and with that she opens the car door and disappears into the murkiness beyond._

 _And now she's left face to face with her poison: the pleasure principle kicking in. She searches her pocket again for the dollar bill, instead feeling the buzzing of her phone; it's Piper. She answers it, averting her eyes from the dashboard, as if not looking at it whilst she's talking to her will somehow make it ok._

' _Hello'_

' _Hey Al'. Her voice is soft, the edges of her words warm: the old Piper._

' _Hey'_

' _You started work?'_

' _Not yet, got a few minutes to go. What's up?'_

' _I forgot to tell you something earlier'_

' _Yea?'_

' _I love you'. She sounds as if she's grinning. 'Al?'_

' _Yea'_

' _You're supposed to say it back'_

' _Am I?' she laughs, 'Well, last time I checked, we lived in a democracy'_

' _Yea and last time I checked, I still have that black silk negligee that you like…'_

' _And…..?'_

' _And i'm planning on drinking a helluva a lot of coffee tonight'_

' _Because you enjoy that freshly ground taste?'_

' _So you can come over after your shift and I can fuck your brains out….but if you don't love me, maybe I'll save that for someone that does…'_

' _Hey, hold on second, I didn't say that now did I?'_

 _Piper laughs, 'So?'_

' _So…I love you ok?'_

' _More than Twinkies?'_

' _Yes'_

' _Beer?'_

' _Of course'_

' _A summer's day? A pot roast? Skinny dipping in the twilight?'_

' _Yes, yes and yes…although I'm more than happy for you to try the last one' she grins._

' _Pervert'_

' _Definitely…...'_

' _But you love me?'_

' _Forever…I'd better go' she whispers, my shift starts in two minutes._

' _I'll see you later'_

' _You sure will' she says, hanging up. She glances up at the powder and suddenly it doesn't hold that same power over her, because she's got something worth more than that; some quick hit, a temporary buzz. She's got Piper. So she takes a deep breath, gathers it all up in a tissue and tosses it out of the window, watching it catch on a breeze and drift away into nothing._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia_

 _Summer was what Olivia liked best; swimming in the open air, laying on the freshly shorn grass; cloudy lemonade days._

 _Olivia was; freckly shoulders, a blossom pink sundress, mischief and mayhem and a smile that could break your heart._

' _Liv-She would cry at romantic movies, laugh at inopportune moments and always, always with a sparkle in her eyes; dancing like fairy dust._

' _Liv-Believed in happy ever after, never killed a spider and never went to bed on an argument. Ever._

 _She could love and hate at a moment's notice; interchangeable like the seasons, but always, always with a pure heart._

 _And when she kisses you goodnight, it's like nothing else._

 _Olivia was you and you were Olivia._

 _Eternally._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _ **10.30pm**_

 _Piper is horny: real fucking horny. Since she's been pregnant, it's like an itch she can't satisfy and it's driving her insane. For the first time in her life, she thinks her sex drive has surpassed Alex's and whilst that gives her a strange little pang of pride, it isn't helping her current situation as she lies alone in bed with a packet of rice cakes, some pickled onions and an issue of baby and toddler for company._

 _Her phone rings, it's Alex, she snatches it up excitedly:_

' _Hey, how's my tall drink of water?'_

' _Errrmm, is that your new greeting for me? Because if it is, I can't say I'm a fan' she laughs._

' _What would you prefer?'_

' _Hello?'_

' _Who would have thought you were so conventional'_

' _Well something about me has to be I guess' she grins_

' _I prefer the unconventional side'_

' _Yea? Like what?'_

' _Like when you fuck me on the stairs, or the kitchen work top or…'_

' _Pipes! Jesus, I'm in at work….'_

' _Sorry' she sighs 'I'm just feeling…frustrated…'_

' _No shit….'_

' _Why do you_ _always_ _have to work'_

' _Piper….'_

' _Sorry, I know, I just miss you….your face, your smile….your fingers inside me'_

' _Fuck's sake Piper!'_

' _Ok, ok, I can't help it, these goddamn baby hormones are driving me insane'_

' _That's your excuse and you're sticking to it right?'_

' _Asshole'_

' _So what was your excuse before you got pregnant?'_

' _I was making up for all the years I didn't know you'_

' _Touché. So what are you up to right now?'_

' _I'm touching myself thinking about you'_

 _Alex is laughing now, 'If someone was listening to this, they would think I'd called some premium rate line, not my girlfriend!'_

' _What, like XXX horny pregnant bitches'_

' _Something like that'_

' _Maybe I could start doing that, I could earn a shit ton of money and then you can quit the job at the bar…'_

' _Hmmmmm, not sure I'd want some gross, pervy dudes jacking off to thoughts of my pregnant girlfriend'_

' _There's that conventional side again'_

' _Uh huh, anyone would think_ _I_ _went to Smith and you were the reprobate'_

' _Jackass'_

' _Thanks. So you thought of any more names?'_

' _One….I think you'll like it'_

' _If it's featured in_ _any_ _Disney movie, then it's a no' she laughs._

' _It hasn't, i'll tell you when you get back'_

' _Ok. I'd better go, break's nearly over'_

' _Ok. So I'll still be up when you get back….you know…..just waiting….'_

' _And I'll be on the verge of exhaustion….you know….barely awake'_

 _She sighs 'I need a sex cow'_

' _Or some Bromide'_

' _Bye Al'_

' _Bye'_

 _ **2.30am**_

 _Alex has had the shift from hell. One person phoned in sick and a fight broke out between two very drunk girls, over some douche bag guy. Her phone's buzzing and she knows who it's going to be before she's even seen the display._

' _Hey Pipes, you really_ _are_ _still awake aren't you?'_

' _Uh huh, how far away are you?'_

' _I'm walking up the stairs….._

… _unlocking the door…_

… _.walking into the bedroom and….'_

 _She fumbles with her phone and it drops to the floor as her eyes hover over Piper: lying across the bed naked. She doesn't know if it's the pregnancy, or the way the moonlight is filtering through the blinds and catching her eyes, but she's never seen her look more beautiful._

' _Fuck me' Piper whispers._

 _Something about the way she says it latches straight on to Alex's heart and suddenly all of her exhaustion has disappeared and she's dropping her jacket, shirt and shoes to the floor in a messy heap. She climbs on to the bed slowly, as if on the prowl, circling some exotic, bewitching prey and kisses Piper on the lips, full and deep, her fingers playing with her nipples. A moan escapes Piper's mouth, low and deep: distinctly primal._

 _Alex shifts down to the bottom of the bed and begins a trail of delicate kisses from Pipers ankle, up along her calf and inner thigh, pausing at her warmth. The smell is arousing her and Piper lifts her hips slightly, clearly signaling what she wants, but Alex isn't going to make it that easy for her, so she merely brushes her lips across Piper's clit and it throbs to her touch, she releases a low groan, which quickly turns to frustration as Alex's lips move to her stomach._

' _Al, please' she rasps._

' _You need to be patient' she replies….'real patient, but I promise you, when you cum, it's going to be so hard and so long, it will be worth it'_

 _Piper parts her lips and releases another moan at Alex's words, grabbing a fistful of bedding as she writhes in some no man's land, a prisoner trapped between her own desire and release._

 _Alex continues her lips across Pipers stomach and up towards her breasts. She takes one nipple in her mouth and gently bites down on it._

' _Oh, Jesus fuck Al' Piper says breathlessly._

 _Alex grins before moving her fingers down to Piper's core. Her clit is engorged and hot and she slides her fingers across it, immediately causing Piper's breathing to become more rapid. 'Is this what you were waiting all night for me to do…'_

' _Yes'_

' _How about this?' she says, her fingers sliding inside with unbelievable ease._

' _Oh god yes Al, fuck me, please…'_

' _You really wanna be fucked, hard?'_

' _Yes yes…' she says, on the verge of screaming. She's lifted her hips off the bed slightly, riding Alex's hand, trying to gain more traction and Alex can start to feel her shudder beneath her, teetering from barely in control to rapture within seconds and then she's screaming Alex's name, grabbing clammy handfuls of bed sheets 'I love you' she mutters breathlessly, over and over as she explodes beneath her, riding out each long, warm wave as it pulses through every inch of her, eventually collapsing, spent and breathless._

' _See' Alex whispers, kissing her lightly on the lips, 'some things_ _are_ _worth the wait'._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The present

'So I'm pretty sure that my mom likes you more than me'. Alex says, flicking through the TV channels back at her apartment.

'Well that makes sense'

'Errr how?'

'Because I'm charming and well bred'

'Well bred?'

'Yes'

'She doesn't hear some of the things you scream when you're….'

'Al!'

Alex laughs.

'Anyway, I know she likes me because of what she said to me in the kitchen when you had fallen asleep after dinner'

Alex is suddenly a little unnerved; she shifts her position on the couch slightly, suddenly feeling marginally twitchy, 'oh yea, so what did she say?'

'Nothing much….just how I'd make someone a lovely wife some day'

'Uh huh' Alex replies suspiciously, taking a sip of beer.

Piper entwines her fingers with Alex's, 'but then I said you didn't seem like the type to take a wife…'

Alex laughs 'take a wife where?'

'Shut up, you know what I mean'

Alex doesn't answer, she just takes another sip of beer and slides down the couch a little.

'So would you?'

'Would I what?'

'Take a wife'

'Pipes….are you proposing to me?' she says smirking. 'Because if so, you really could have picked a more romantic setting, I mean I just had to undo my belt buckle cos I ate so much at mom's….so I'm really not feeling wooed right now and you know how women like to be wooed…'.

'Get over yourself' Piper huffs, 'it was a hypothetical question'

'Sure it was'

'It _was_ ' she insists.

Alex flicks the TV over to a Christmas variety show and waits for what Piper is inevitably going to say next, her mind is counting down to it: 3…..2….1…

'So you didn't answer' Piper continues, on cue.

'You're not going to let this drop are you?'

She shakes her head.

'I've never really thought about it, but look, all you need to know is ring or no ring, me and you are for keeps, ok?'

She nods, snuggling into Alex a little.

'Al'

'Yea?'

'Thinking about it, I reckon you are the type to take a wife after all' she grins.

Alex smiles. Maybe she has a point. Just maybe.

 _Olivia_

 _In a moment I was lost_

 _In a moment I was found_

 _In a moment the depth and breadth of me_

 _Were forever to you bound_


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Hello Chaps (if any read this) and Chapesses! How are we all?**

 **Ok, so this Chapter reveals my Britishness, because the Nursery Rhyme in the flash forward two years is British, so for all non British readers, sorry, but I'm sure you'll get the gist of what I'm trying to convey.**

 **So Last Fall and the 'present' have been labeled as thus, the other set of italics is the following year on from Last Fall i.e. when Piper is pregnant, so two years into the future. The Olivia stuff, well keep guessing, all will be revealed at some stage.**

 **Thank you once again for your fantastic reviews and comments, but you can never have too much of a good thing right? So keep 'em coming in.**

 **That's enough from me for now, enjoy this next installment…..**

 _Last Fall_

 _It's the Devil's hour and Piper can't sleep. She runs a hand over the empty space in the bed where Alex should be. She's late; Piper has no idea why. She checks her phone, no messages, no missed calls._

 _Polly phoned earlier; she's three months pregnant. She was clearly tempering her jubilation so as not to upset Piper, trying to be a good friend, but sounding cagey and unnatural instead. Surprisingly the news didn't make Piper melancholy or send her into floods of tears, but it's awoken that longing inside her once more, the desire that was left dormant for a little while. The only problem is that she has no idea how Alex is going to take it. They've only just got back on an even keel, but the harder she fights this yearning, the more it stabs at her and all evening, she's been unable to focus on much else._

 _She can hear the keys in the front door and she finds herself lying rigid as if moving a muscle is going to reveal what she's been thinking about for the last few hours; that any slight twinge will betray her. She chastises herself for being so foolish._

' _Shit' Alex hisses as she gently closes the front door, but fails to avoid the creaky floorboard. Piper sees her silhouette appear in the bedroom doorway, tiptoeing across the room._

' _Hey good looking' Piper whispers into the dark._

' _Pipes? You awake?'_

' _Uh huh, couldn't sleep. You're late.'_

' _Yea, we got slammed tonight and my phone battery died so I couldn't call you'_

' _That's the sort of excuse people make when they're having an affair' she teases._

' _And that's the response of a neurotic, bored housewife' she grins, 'plus I don't have any flowers, that's the give away'._

' _True'_

' _I forgot them in the car' she laughs._

' _Asshole….but I still love you'_

' _Ain't that the truth. Everything ok?' she says, stifling a yawn. She sits on the edge of the bed and kisses Piper lightly on the lips._

 _She hesitates slightly before replying 'Yea fine'_

' _Sure?' Alex says, stroking Piper's face, eyes regarding her closely._

' _Polly's pregnant' she blurts out, wishing she hadn't said anything, almost as soon as the words have left her mouth._

' _Should I go round there and offer my personal congratulations?'_

' _Don't be a jerk'_

' _I'm not, but that kid is going to be real fucked up'_

' _Al!' Piper says, slapping her on the arm._

' _What? She's got so many fucking issues it's unreal'_

' _What issues?'_

' _A sense of entitlement for starters'_

' _Come on Al, she'll be a really great mom, her and Pete are good together'_

' _Hmmmmm' she pauses for a moment, curling Piper's hair around her fingertips. 'Is this why you can't sleep?'_

 _Piper thinks about denying it, but there's no point, after all, this is Alex, the one person that knows her better than anyone. 'Kinda' she replies softly._

' _Is it bringing back memories?' Alex asks hesitantly, not specifying which set of memories, whether it was the miscarriage with Larry, or what happened a few months ago. She knows it's selfish, but she's hoping to fuck it's the former, because she's done with the self-flagellation of the latter: like totally done with it._

 _She shakes her head, 'it isn't that, well not really…it's….'_

 _Alex lets her hand fall lightly to her side and stands up, 'You want hot chocolate?'_

' _Hot chocolate?'_

' _Yea, my mom said it always helps when you've got stuff on your mind'_

' _Does it work?'_

 _She shrugs_

' _You're_ _gonna make it?'_

' _Yup, it's one of the few things I'm good at….well in the kitchen at least' she grins._

' _Ok, i'm game'_

' _Gimme ten….' She says disappearing out of the room._

' _Fine, but if I hear anything smash, or the smell of burning, I'm calling 911!' she yells after her._

' _Have a little faith' she laughs._

 _Alex returns ten minutes later with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate; fluffy clouds of whipped cream wobble on the top as she places them on the nightstand and flicks on the lamp._

' _Not bad' Piper says inspecting the drink._

' _You haven't tried it yet, take a sip'_

 _Piper gingerly takes a gulp, the creamy warmth automatically acts as comforter, it's quickly followed by a wave of something slightly fiery._

' _Good?' Alex asks raising an eyebrow._

' _Yea,_ _really_ _good actually, I'm impressed. It tastes different though, what's in it?'_

' _My special ingredient'_

' _Love?' she grins goofily_

' _No you loser….Bourbon'._

' _And you drank this as a kid?'_

' _This is a slightly modified version'_

' _You know why milk is good to help you sleep right?'_

' _No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me anyway' she laughs._

' _It's because it contains tryptophan_ _which helps the production of sleep inducing chemicals in the brain'_

' _A bit like the many many facts that you always seem to have at the ready'_

 _Piper throws her a glare and takes another deep sip._

' _So, you want to talk about it?' Alex asks undressing and sliding into bed next to her, her back pressed against the headboard._

 _Piper places the mug back on the nightstand and turns to face Alex. 'We're back on track right?' she says, holding her gaze firmly._

' _Yea, of course, why?' Alex asks, a hint of concern colouring her words._

 _Piper shuffles a little further up the bed, 'I've been thinking about it all evening Al, I mean_ _really_ _thinking about it and….well I want to try again….I do…and I don't want to push you into it, because of…what's happened, but I can't help the way I feel'_

' _Try again?'_

' _For a baby'_

' _Oh' Alex replies flatly, her mind in a spin, words floating around her brain: nowhere to settle and take root. It's only been a few months since the chemical pregnancy, since she left and everything she was clinging on to slipped through her fingers and now she's back here, being asked for whispered promises amongst the shadows._

' _Al?'_

 _She closes her eyes for a few seconds and takes a deep breath. When she's opened them again, Piper has turned away, she's rubbing at her face and then Alex realises that she's crying._

' _Piper?' she says gently_

 _But she doesn't reply._

' _Pipes, please'_

 _She turns back to face her, eyes red rimmed and raw._

' _Please don't be upset'_

' _I just have this horrible feeling' she says, stifling fresh tears, her voice jerky, 'that you don't really want a baby, that you're only saying that you do because you don't want to lose me….us…and I don't want to have to choose Alex….please don't make me'. Her eyes are glassy and wide with fear; words alone cannot fix this, Alex knows that, it has to be more, much more._

' _You don't have to choose' she says, holding her close, her voice dropping to a whisper, feeling the dampness of Piper's tears against her skin; indelible pain._

 _Outside the wind is howling now, whipping itself into a frenzy and she knows she's got to make this count, restore her faith somehow, but she's not even sure where to begin, so she just holds her a little tighter._

 _A fraught silence settles around them, formed of words that neither of them have the courage to say out loud. Finally Piper pulls away from Alex's embrace. 'You're heart's beating so fast' she says, placing her hand delicately on Alex's chest._

 _Alex swallows hard. For so long she's been flirting with the truth, teasing it and wooing it but failing to embrace the reality of it; because the planes will shift, life will need to re-align itself in a way that she never considered before she met Piper. But what this Fall has taught her is that without her, life loses it's flavour, it's colour and merely morphs into an existence; an empty kind of survival. So she knows what she needs to do._

' _I_ _do_ _want this Piper, just as much as you do, it's just taken me a little longer to get there'_

' _You mean…'Her eyes are searching Alex's now, for a confirmation, even the tiniest hint of something in the affirmative._

' _I mean yes, if you're ready, then we can try for a baby again'._

 _Even years later, Alex was able to recall that moment vividly, because she could never forget that look on Piper's face, the expression of ecstatic joy and fulfillment, all wrapped into one smile, one embrace, one kiss._

' _It's going to be amazing' Piper says throwing her arms around Alex's neck and kissing her firmly on the lips._

' _Uh huh and you've got cream on the end of your nose' Alex replies laughing. 'But you're still perfect'._

 _She wasn't lying._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Alex returns to the apartment after visiting her mom. She has take out, beer and some disgusting Aloe Vera juice that Piper likes to drink. This is the first night off she's had in months and she's looking forward to doing a whole lot of nothing. However, on opening the front door, she quickly realises her plans are going to be shot to shit when she hears the sounds of a wailing child._

' _Pipes?' she calls out with trepidation._

 _She dumps her bags in the kitchen and spots Piper pacing up and down in the bedroom with a screaming toddler in her arms._

' _You've been Finned' she says, pointing at Polly and Pete's offspring, removing her jacket and tossing it on the bed._

' _Oh Al, thank god you're back' Piper says, the relief immediate._

' _What's going on?' Alex says confused, 'Where's Prissy Polly?'_

' _She's had some sort of family emergency, they've had to rush to her parents, so we've got Finn for a sleep over' she says, trying to make it sound fun and exciting, because she knows that Alex is exhausted and this is really the last thing she needs. 'But look at it this way, it will be good practice for us, right?' she continues, desperately trying to put a positive spin on things._

' _You do realise the kid's dribbled all over your shoulder right?' Alex says, pointing to the slimy trail on Piper's new top and wincing slightly as Finn's screaming becomes ultra sonic._

' _Oh shoot' she mutters, 'can you hold him Al, my back's killing me and I should get changed'_

' _What the fuck am I supposed to do with him?' Alex says, failing to hide the fear in her voice._

' _Well not cursing in front of him would be a good start' she says, juggling him from one arm to the other._

' _Well what should I say instead?'_

' _I dunno…fudge?'_

' _Fudge?'_

' _Yes'_

' _Did you enjoy it when I fudged you last night?' she grins._

 _Piper shoots her a glare, decidedly unimpressed. 'Here' she says, handing over the clammy, little ball of rage to Alex._

 _Alex holds him under the armpits, dangling him at arms length, scrutinising him like he's some sort of strange, unfathomable creature._

' _Oh for fuc….fudge's sake Alex, don't hold him like that! He won't hurt you!' she says rolling her eyes and disappearing into the bathroom._

' _You sure about that? Cos my eardrums are feeling pretty pained right about now' she says, sitting on the bed and placing him on her lap. But Finn is showing no signs of stopping his wailing and is desperately trying to squirm out of Alex's grip._

' _You slippery little fuc….fudger' she says, gripping him a little tighter. 'Jesus Pipes, what if our kid turns out like this?' she yells._

' _They wont'_

' _Yea? How can you be so sure' Alex replies, narrowly avoiding a chubby little fist to the face._

' _I can't, but we have to at least believe' she shouts back._

' _Hasn't he got any toys or something?' Alex asks, her eyes scanning the room for something to occupy him with._

' _Yea, Polly left me a bag; it's by the dresser'._

 _Alex hoists Finn up, gripping him firmly and begins rifling through the bag on the floor, ignoring his kicking and whimpering. She settles on a talking Whinnie the Pooh. She kneels on the floor with him and the stuffed toy. She presses the bear's stomach, 'I've got a rumbly tumbly' he declares. Alex rolls her eyes, but it works like some sort of enchantment as Finn immediately stops whining and screaming and better than that, he's giggling. She presses it again, this time Pooh bear informs them that he loves honey and this elicits squeals of pleasure from Finn, as his pudgy fingers make a grab for the toy._

' _Bear' he says._

' _You're enjoying that, hey buddy?' Alex whispers, grateful for the relative calm that now appears to be settling._

 _Piper re-enters the room in a change of clothes. 'Wow! How d'you get him to stop crying' she says, spotting Finn sitting on the floor and laughing._

' _Mass produced Disney crap' she grins._

' _Or maybe you just have a magic touch?'_

 _She shakes her head, 'nope'. She scrambles up from the floor and Finn's eyes immediately follow her and his face becomes scrunched up and red again as he resumes his wailing._

' _See, he wants you, not the toy' Piper says, enjoying watching Alex have to play the role that's been enforced on her._

' _No, he just wants attention, he's obviously got Prissy Polly's genes'. She picks him up, sits him on the bed and grabs Whinnie from the floor and hands it to him. He presses on the bear's tummy and resumes giggling._

' _Pooh Bear' he says gleefully._

' _See? I bet if I left the room and you sat with him, he wouldn't care', she says leaving to prove her point, but within seconds, Finn is crying again._

' _Errrrrr Al, you're wanted' Piper says, not bothering to hide her amusement._

' _What the fuc….flush….fudge…whatever…..it's not like I was actually doing anything, what's his problem?' She says, sitting on the bed and staring at him in bafflement as he clambers all over her._

' _No point analysing it, besides which my back is still hurting me, so I think I'm gonna go for a soak, you'll be ok for a around fifteen minutes won't you?'_

' _I_ _was_ _going to eat, have a beer and watch some crappy TV…'_

' _I promise i'll take over when I finish, just fifteen minutes? Please? And he looks so happy' she says, nodding to Finn, who has now tossed Pooh bear on the floor and is playing with the ends of Alex's hair, smiley and content._

' _Fine' she says sighing. 'Hopefully he'll have tired himself with all the wailing and he'll be asleep soon'._

 _But Piper has already escaped the room. Alex looks up and realises she's talking to herself. 'Figures' she mumbles 'and she's supposed to be the maternal one' she says to Finn who's now making a grab for her glasses. 'Hey kid, I need these, I'm useless without them'. He pulls his face into a tight little frown and Alex is worried he's going to start crying again, so she takes them off and places them on him. They're so big they slide straight off, but he finds it entertaining all the same and bursts into fits of laughter. 'You like that, huh?' she says, looking at him in wonderment, struggling to grasp how something so simple is entertaining to him. She yawns, this isn't going to be the relaxing evening she had planned, not by a long chalk._

 _Finn is squirming again now. He tosses Alex's glasses on the bed and is looking for more entertainment. 'Play!' he demands._

 _She puts her glasses back on and finds some other toys to entertain him with, but he shows no interest in any of them. Alex sighs exasperated, racking her brain as to what kids like, what Diane used to do to keep her occupied and then she remembers something, like a flash going off in her brain, and she holds his tiny palm and starts making circles with her forefinger;_

' _Round and round the garden, like a teddy bear….' His eyes are fixed on her now, wide and excited, his mouth a little agape in anticipation._

' _One step two step…' she pauses and he does too, holding his breath to see what's coming next ….. 'tickly everywhere' she says tickling under his chin and across his tummy. He immediately bursts into squeals of giggling and it's the first time Alex has really noticed how pure a child's laughter sounds, because it's free and untainted._

 _She repeats the game several times, each time gaining louder and louder giggles of joy from Finn, until they are both eventually yawning. She leans back on the bed, holding him on her lap. 'You're not that hard to deal with eh kid? You sure you're related to prissy Polly?' she says, stifling another yawn and closing her eyes a little._

' _Ok Al, I'm done' Piper says a few minutes later, knotting her bathrobe and walking towards the bedroom. 'I couldn't get comfortable so I finished up quickly, plus I figured you would need a break because…' she looks up and smiles. Alex and Finn are both fast asleep on the bed. Finn is lying across Alex's stomach, his thumb in his mouth and her hand is resting gently on his back._

' _You're so badass Vause' she mutters to herself, still smiling. 'So fudging badass'._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The present

'So you'll come with me? Right Poll? It's just for the night and you are my best friend'

Polly sighs deeply. 'Why do you actually need me there Pipes? Shouldn't Alex be going with you?'

'Are you kidding me?! It's bad enough that I'm telling my parents I'm seeing a woman, let alone bringing her with me, it will be like I'm rubbing their noses in it!'

'Worried that Carol will be reaching for the smelling salts before you can say Sapphic delights' she grins.

'Poll! You're supposed to be on my side!'

'I am, just saying….'

'Ok, so you'll do it?'

Polly rolls her eyes. 'Fine, but you owe me…big time. I'll go and pack'

'Thank you so much!' Piper grins.

Polly walks into the living room where Pete is playing a video game. 'Honey, I'm going with Piper, to stay at her parents tonight, you'll be ok right?'

'Yup' he replies without looking up 'ah fuck…I could have shot him then' he says pointing at the screen.

Polly kisses him on the top of the head, 'There's some left overs from yesterday in the fridge for dinner' she says, making her way upstairs to pack.

'Ok he mumbles, his hands still clamped around the controller, eyes fixed to the screen.

'If you ever need to know what it feels like having a kid, I can loan you Pete for a week' Polly says, pulling out an overnight bag from under the bed and tossing some clothes and a make up bag into it.

Piper laughs, 'he can't be any worse than Larry, he barely used to leave the couch some days'.

Polly's face suddenly drops, 'he's still in a bad way you know Pipes, Pete bumped into him at a bar the other day, he's still hoping you can somehow fix things, that if he gives you space, you'll get over this 'phase'.

'Well, Alex made it pretty clear to him the other day, so i'm not sure I can do much else'.

Polly pauses and takes a seat on the bed. 'You are sure about this aren't you Pipes?'

'What do you mean? Telling my parents?'

'Alex'

'Please don't start a character assassination on her Poll, I really can't deal with that right now'

'I'm not' Polly says, her tone softening, 'I just want you to be sure, I mean I know she's good looking and…..'

Piper raises an eyebrow, 'You always manage to mention she's good looking or hot before you start gunning her down, don't you Poll?'

Polly immediately feels her face flush, 'it's just a fucking observation Piper, if someone asked me if you were good looking I would agree…anyway,' she says, hurriedly changing the topic, 'I just want you to be sure this isn't just a short term thing, you know, once the buzz fizzles out you wonder what you saw in her, I mean really, what do you have in common, your up bringing is totally different, your education…?'

'And yet she's the only person that I've ever met that truly gets me' Piper says firmly, her eyes, cold and hard.

'And I don't mean the version of me that my parents are privy to or what you see, or the me at work, I mean the _real_ me. No façade, no games, just all my neurotic, fucked up bullshit out in the open. I don't have to bother with a pretense; it's just always been so easy, so comfortable, just….well…..right. She gets me. And that's something worth holding on to, don't you think?'

Polly is silenced, there's nothing to add, because really, what is there to disagree with? So she just nods and zips up her bag.

'We all set then?' Piper says brightly.

Polly nods.

'Great, let's go'

'You want me to play the Funeral March?' Polly grins.

'Hilarious Poll, just for that, I'm going to tell my mom that you're interested in the upcoming social events at the Country Club, that should keep you both occupied for a couple of hours at least' she teases.

'Careful Pipes, you girlfriend's assholishness is clearly rubbing off on you'.

'I know' she says beaming. 'It's great isn't it?'

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia_

 _A child of the dawn_

 _Liv is; snuggling after nightmares,_

 _Candy clouds,_

 _Blowing raspberries,_

 _Crumpled pyjamas,_

 _Tousled black hair,_

 _Crystal blue eyes_

' _Liv is- messily eating a cherry pie, grazed knees, honeydew, bubblegum._

' _Liv- pays no heed and then within minutes is engrossed_

' _Liv-Wraps you around her little finger, always with an angelic smile_

 _Liv has- an odd sort of poetry in every single motion, a vulnerable self-awareness, a careless arrogance._

 _Liv has- crocodile tears, desperate tears, angry tears, but finishes with a toothy smile all the same._

 _Olivia- A beauty you never knew existed._

 _Olivia- A tornado of the unexpected, an unrivalled gift, a new lesson each day._


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Thank you for all your comments, they are superb and warm my cockles whenever I read them.**

 **Shout outs- Sara Lance for an idea she gave me and my buddy Vausemaniac because….well, just cos…..**

 **So the story structure- Last Fall is done with now, so we have the present (which is sub headed for you) the flash forward two years in italics in which Piper is pregnant and the Olivia stuff (also sub headed).**

 **Enjoy…**

The present

The chicken is dry and overcooked, but Piper chews it methodically and makes appreciative noises all the same. Her mother has been quieter than usual. She doesn't know why and it's unnerving her. She had hoped that Cal would be around to lighten the mood, but he's gone away for the weekend with some friends, so there's no familial buffer; just Piper and her parents. It makes her extra glad that she bought Polly along, although judging from the rather underwhelmed look on her friend's face, she doesn't think Polly would agree with her right now.

'This tastes really nice Mrs Chapman' Polly says, trying to force the bone dry meat down with a large gulp of Sauvignon Blanc.

'Thank you Polly' Carol replies, 'and please don't call me Mrs Chapman, after all, you've known me for long enough to avoid that sort of formality'. She allows herself a pained smile, but her eyes flick back to Piper. It's obvious she wants to say something, she's been thinking about it since Piper arrived, but she's biding her time and in Piper's experience, that's never a good thing.

'It was so nice of you to come by Piper honey' her dad says, 'it feels like we haven't seen you for months'

'That's because it _has_ been months, the last time she visited was when we had the beach party at the Hamptons, for Cal's birthday, in August. And don't get me started on the fiasco over the holiday season' Carol interrupts, eyes narrowed, regarding Piper over the rim of the gin filled tumbler.

'I've just been busy' Piper mumbles, not looking up from her plate, ignoring the pointed dig about Christmas and feeling like she's twelve again. She hates the way her mother has the ability to do that. She can't imagine Alex being manipulated like this by anyone; falling for this emotionally controlling bullshit and with each passing comment, she's remembering precisely why she _does_ leave it so long between visits.

'Poor Larry' Carol continues as if Piper hasn't even spoken. 'It was all such a shock for him and imagine our embarrassment when we turned up at his parents on Christmas Eve, only to be told he wasn't arriving, because you had decided to split up with him. I mean I know he was Jewish, but at least he had wealth, something going for him and now what? You're working in that bookstore, no long term plans, meandering through life.'

'I'm not meandering' Piper replies, desperately trying to keep her cool. Polly flashes her a concerned glance, but part of Piper is taking a perverse pleasure in the image of just blurting out the truth about Alex; no preamble, no softly softly approach. Just socking it to her mother, right between the goddamn eyes. She smiles to herself at the thought and her father looks at her strangely.

'I mean really Piper, you're a Smith graduate, we had hoped for so much more' her mother says, shaking her head. 'Look at Polly' she says turning her unwelcome attention to Piper's best friend. Polly pauses mid chew, the proverbial rabbit in the headlights. 'She's found herself a nice man to get married to, she's settled and content, aren't you dear?' she says smiling.

'Errrmmm' Polly's locks her gaze with Piper; desperate and embarrassed and Piper can feel her own frustration bubbling up to the surface, threatening to burst through the thin veneer of calmness she's been desperately trying to cultivate.

'I'm sure your parents are _so_ proud of you' Carol says, ignoring the uncomfortable atmosphere that is hovering over them; a thick, swirling mass of half-truths and forced smiles.

'You mean in comparison to you…because clearly _I_ haven't done anything for you to proud of recently, have I?' Piper says, throwing her fork and knife down on the plate. It makes a sharp clattering sound, causing Carol to jump in her seat a little.

'Piper honey, I'm sure that's not what your mother meant' her father says interjecting, 'it's just with everything that's happened recently, well we're understandably a little concerned about you, that's all…' he smiles half heartedly, willing Carol to agree, but instead she turns away, takes another sip of her drink and fires some more questions at Polly about her wedding.

Piper's silently seething, toying with the idea of just getting up and leaving, but that would be cowardly and she doesn't want her relationship with Alex to be something she has to hide, she's done with all of that. So, for the first time in her life, she does something that's long overdue, she puts all of her parents feelings to one side and just tells the truth; all of it, raw and unbridled.

'Actually' she says, interrupting her mother, as she's explaining the pros of hiring the Country Club out for a wedding reception, 'I do have some news'.

'Oh' Carol says, immediately diverting her attentions back to her daughter.

'Yes….i'm seeing someone'

'Well that's great, isn't it dear?' Bill says, smiling at his wife.

Polly is fidgeting nervously in her chair now, taking a large mouthful of wine in preparation, because she knows exactly what is just about to hit the fan.

'Who is he? Is he new money? Old money? Please don't say new' she says a little breathlessly, her nose turned up in disgust as if she's just smelt something bad.

'Actually, she has _no_ money' Piper replies firmly, a smile playing at the corners of her lips.

'I don't understand…' Carol replies, her eyes darting from Piper to her husband and then back again.

'Precisely what I just said, _she_ has _no_ money'.

Carol is silenced, her eyes narrowed in confusion and Piper knows she is desperately willing what she has just heard to be a mistake, her mind playing tricks on her, the early onset of dementia; _anything_ , absolutely _anything_ but the truth; that her daughter is dating a woman.

'Errr honey…what do you mean?' Bill asks, his voice cagey, verging on trembling and Piper can't remember a time she has seen him so shaken, not even when her mother (eventually) confronted him about his long-term affair. It makes the whole thing even more of a fucking joke.

Piper glances over at Polly who hurriedly snatches up the wine bottle and refills her own glass before taking two very deep sips.

She sighs deeply, the drama is going to be unavoidable, but she's not going to back down, not this time. This isn't like school or college, where's she's trying to please other people. This is Alex and it elicits something extraordinary from within her, like a flame, dangerously flared and she's going to ride this feeling through to the end; tangled, obsessive, all consuming, every fucking facet of it. It's real and raw and sometimes it hurts; but even the pain is delicious and bearable, because of who is inflicting it and all of that is worth far more than Carol and Bill's approval.

So she keeps her voice even and calm and begins to explain. 'I'm dating a woman, her name is Alex and I love her.' Her eyes are fixed on Carol, waiting for some recognition of what she has just said, a sigh, a barrage of abuse, anything at all, but instead, she tosses back the remainder of her drink and begins clearing the plates away. 'There's cheesecake for dessert' she mutters, before hurrying out to the kitchen.

'I'd better see if she's ok, Bill says', to no one in particular, hot on her tail.

Polly visibly relaxes as soon as they have left the room. 'Fuck Pipes, what are you going to do now? You basically just told your mother you were a lesbian and she went off to fetch the dessert trolley!'

'Well, at least she didn't start throwing things'

'Why, does she do that when she gets mad?' Polly asks, her eyes suddenly scanning the room for any objects that could cause harm.

'No you idiot, but to be honest, I would have preferred that, she's just reverted to her default setting when she can't face up to the truth: denial. It's so pathetic'. She sighs, shaking her head.

'I'm sorry Pipes. You want me to try and talk to them?' she asks, hoping that Piper will say no.

'There's no point, none at all. They're just so blinkered to anything but their own reality'

Polly reaches across the table and squeezes her friend's hand. 'It will be ok Pipes, just give them a bit of time, they're probably just processing the information right now'

Piper laughs, 'I'm sure her trusty friend will help her 'process' the information'

Polly furrows her brow in confusion. 'Who?'

'Booze, it's the only solution she knows. Booze, with a chaser of denial; Carol Chapman's poision'.

'So what do you want to do? Stay? Leave?'

Piper shrugs, 'there's no point in hanging around I guess, it was naïve of me to think I'd be welcome to stay after I had told them. I'll drop you back home'

Polly fails to hide her relief. Her shoulders relax and she allows herself a slight smile. Suddenly an evening watching Pete drinking beer and blowing up monsters on his games console has never seemed so appealing. But her reprieve is short lived as Bill returns to the dining room.

'Piper, your mother wants to speak to you' he says, his eyes failing to meet hers.

Piper purposefully slides out of her chair and follows him into the kitchen. Her mother is sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar, fanning herself with a place mat, a replenished glass of gin next to her. So painfully predictable. Like fucking clockwork.

'Yes?' Piper says, her voice firmer and calmer than she feels, the hammering of her heart betraying the truth.

'You drop this on us and yet _you're_ standing in front of me with an attitude? I honestly don't know what we've done to deserve this' Carol says, throwing her arms into the air theatrically.

'Is it _so_ hard for you to be happy for me? To accept that this is what I want, that I can see a future with this woman?'

'Because that's so acceptable isn't it? What am I going to tell the neighbours? The people at the Country Club'

'Oh I don't know, how about something wildly out there, like the truth maybe? Just for once, to see how it feels?' Her frustration is spilling out into something else, something fiercer and more dangerous and she feels like she's got no control of it, no idea where it's going next, but it's kinda nice, exhilarating even, so she runs with it.

'Don't you dare speak to me like that' her mother replies, standing now, fists clenched at her side, little balls of spittle forming at the corners of her mouth; white, hot fury. 'You're…you're…..a disgrace', she continues, 'I just don't know who you are any more'.

And now Piper's reached her limit with this charade, sick to back teeth of it. 'You know what mom, you never really _did_ know who I was, because you weren't interested, unless it served a purpose for you and you're pathetic image. Let me know when you're actually interested in _listening_ to me, until then, I'm done with this'. And she turns and walks away, collecting her bag, signaling to Polly they are leaving and disappearing out of the front door.

And as the cool night breeze hits her, she realises that she's never felt more clarity in her entire life.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

She's surprised to see Alex asleep in bed when she gets back, she's supposed to be at the bar. She undresses quietly, pulls on a tank and shorts and slides in behind her. She smells so good, but she feels warm, too warm. She kisses her gently on the shoulder and she stirs, turning to face Piper.

'Hey kid, what are you doing back?' she murmurs sleepily. Her eyes look red and sore.

'Long story, but I'm glad I'm here'. She places a hand on Alex's forehead, 'You're burning up Al'

'Yea, I didn't feel too good, so I called in sick at the bar'

'Have you taken anything for it?' she says stroking her face.

'Three shots of bourbon' she grins.

'Al, really?' Piper says decidedly unimpressed.

'It's medicinal' she protests.

Piper shakes her head 'you need something to bring the fever down'

'Is this your way of telling me i'm hot stuff?'

'No, it's my way of saying you're an idiot that doesn't look after yourself properly. Do you have a thermometer?'

Alex raises any eyebrow, 'what do you think?'

'Well, what medicine do you have?'

'Love is my medicine kid'

'Well whatever is wrong with you, it hasn't interfered with your terrible sense of humour has it?'

'You should be giving me lot's of TLC' Alex says, pulling her closer. 'Maybe I need a full body check?'

'So you're too ill for work, but not for that?'

'What can I tell ya?'

She shouldn't really encourage her in this way, fuel her ego, but she smiles anyway. She can't help it, never can, never will. 'I missed you, you know that?'

'You weren't even gone a full day' she laughs.

'I know'

'Maybe you're the one with the illness Chapman'

'Oh yea? What illness is that?'

'It's something pretty lethal, no known cure…..'

'Uh huh'

'Yup…'

'What's it called?'

'Smitten Kittenitis'

She laughs.

'So things didn't go well with the parents huh?' she says, holding her gaze, green hues, familiar and inviting.

'That's putting it mildly'

'Is there an orderly queue of good Republican folk waiting for me outside, with burning stakes?' she grins.

Piper sighs, suddenly overwhelmed with exhaustion. 'They're just never going to get it' she replies, sounding defeated.

'Well guess what?' Alex says

'What?'

' _They_ don't need to get it, because _we_ do and that's all that I give a fuck about'.

She says it so matter of factly, wrapping the scenario up into such a neat little conclusion, that despite the overriding shittyness of the evening, Piper cannot help but feel at ease and a small laugh escapes her lips; of relief and happiness.

'I love you' she whispers into the inky depths of the night. The moonlight filtering through the blinds is soothing some how, and she already feels better, more relaxed, 'but you really need to take some medicine, I'm going to go and see what we have'

'Wanna play doctor?'

'I think you're delirious'

'And I think you're delicious'

'Definitely delirious' she repeats smiling, as she clambers out of bed. 'But the best kind' she whispers, mainly to herself, but not quite.

 _Olivia_

' _I miss you' she says, in that way that immediately tugs at what's tucked away inside your ribcage; that place that only few are privy to._

' _It's only two more days' you reply, wishing it was less, but knowing it can't really be, that this is part and parcel of it._

' _But you could come pick me up…if you_ _really_ _wanted, if you_ _really_ _loved me?'_

 _And you're silenced, a little in awe of where she's picked up this art of manipulation from and the scary thing is, you suspect that it's self-taught; or worse still, that it's inherent. But for some reason, you find yourself smiling all the same._

' _I can't Liv, you know the score'_

' _But I don't like it here' she replies, trying to reason, but sounding surly instead._

' _What don't you like?'_

' _The food'_

' _What's wrong with it?'_

' _They made us eat mac and cheese'_

' _You love mac and cheese Liv'_

' _Your_ _mac and cheese, not this one, it's horrid'_

 _And this time, your smile morphs into laughter, because she sounds so prissy; just like her and suddenly, you're overwhelmed with a surge of love and you're half tempted to grab your keys and drive the 100 miles to go and collect her._

' _So will you come?' she says, softening her voice, changing tack, sensing a weakness in the way that only Liv knows how to._

' _Not until you give me two more_ _good_ _reasons'. You're testing her, but you can't help yourself, because it's fun and the workings of her brain never cease to both delight and amaze you._

 _She pauses for a moment 'ummmmmm…..' and then it suddenly dawns on her, 'it smells bad'_

' _Yea?'_

' _Yup, sure does'_

' _What does it smell of?'_

' _Ummmm…bad stuff'_

 _And this time you do manage to stifle a laugh, but only just. 'What bad stuff?'_

' _Like…mouldy goop….'_

' _Uhuh, so you've got two reasons….gimme a third?'_

' _A third and then you'll come get me?' she replies, suddenly a whole lot more sprightly._

' _Well, you won't know until you give me that third reason will you?'_

 _She's silent now…. 'Liv?'_

' _I'm nodding'_

 _And there it is again, just like her,_ _so_ _fucking like her it's crazy. 'So you thought of another reason yet?'_

' _Yes!' she declares emphatically._

' _Ok, so what is it?'_

' _I miss you'_

' _Liv, that was your first reason as well'_

' _But that's how much I miss you, I had to use it twice' she pauses, mulling something over 'and anyway it wasn't my first reason actually, I said I hated the food '_

 _You're grinning like an idiot now, because Liv, she really is something else: unparalleled, so despite your better judgment, you find yourself snatching up your car keys and walking to the front door._

' _So you're coming right?'_

' _You betcha, see you real soon'_

' _Yay!' she squeals._

' _Liv'_

' _Yea?'_

' _I love you'_

 _She giggles. 'You're silly'_

' _I know'_

' _But I love you too'._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Two months to go_

' _So you'll come with me right?' Piper says, shoving the pamphlet under Alex's nose, whilst they sit in the crowded coffee shop._

 _Alex's holds it between her thumb and forefinger, dangling it in the air like it's something repulsive, whilst Finn sits on her lap trying to impress her with the sounds his new toy can make._

' _At least read it' Piper replies frustrated._

' _Why do you need to go to these classes anyway, who needs coaching to have a fuc….fudging baby? My mom didn't, yours didn't and we both turned out fine didn't we?'_

' _Well one of us did' Piper says, smiling mischievously and taking a sip of green tea._

 _Finn is bored of his toy now, so instead, he takes a fistful of chocolate cake from the plate in front of him and attempts to cram in into his mouth in one go. Most of it ends up around his face and on his t-shirt._

' _Finn' Alex sighs, noting the mess that he's made._

 _He giggles in recognition of his handiwork._

' _You know he's getting worse'_

' _He's a kid, it's what they do Pipes' Alex says, grabbing a wet wipe out of his bag and attempting to clean him up._

' _No, you always spoil him, even Polly's said that when she takes him back, he always gives her hell for at least a day or two, because you let him get away with murder'_

' _He should be allowed have fun' she says, blowing a raspberry into his cheek and making him squeal in delight, 'especially when he has prissy Polly as a mother'_

' _Al, don't say that in front of him, I swear to god he nearly called her that one time when she came to collect him'_

 _Alex laughs, 'there's hope for the boy yet' she replies as he squashes a chocolaty hand into her face._

' _Ahhhh Fin!' Alex says as he grins at her, wet and gummy._

' _Taste of your own medicine there Vause' Piper laughs._

' _You could help?'_

' _Nope, we know that you're his favourite'_

' _So? The kids got taste'_

' _Hmmmm…so the classes…..please?' she says, making those big earnest eyes that Alex has never been able to resist._

' _Fine' she concedes, I'll go to one and see how I feel, but_ _I am not_ _going to be sitting on a bean bag making weird breathing noises'_

' _No honey, you save that for Saturday evening when you're at home, like you usually do' she grins._

' _Real funny'_

' _I thought so' she replies, rather pleased with herself._

' _Anyway, it's supposed to be for_ _me_ _…you know, the one that is actually carrying our child, you're just there as moral support, to rub my back and stuff….so I feel relaxed and comfortable…'_

' _Well, I can think of better ways of doing that, we could start by you sitting on my lap' Alex replies grinning, however her thoughts are quickly diverted by having to swerve in order to avoid another handful of chocolate cake to the face, which Finn then proceeds to drop straight onto her jeans instead._

' _I think you'd better focus on what's presently in your lap' Piper laughs._

 _Alex stares at Finn and she doesn't know exactly what it is, it's completely alien and unfathomable to her, but she just cannot be mad at him, no matter what he does, and now he's doing that stupid, lopsided smile, his cheeks all plump and rosy, so she just nuzzles into his neck a little and laughs._

 _After all, it is just cake._

 _Olivia_

' _What's up Liv?' She's rubbing sleep from her eyes, shivering a little as she stands in the doorway of your bedroom._

' _I think I had a bad dream'_

' _You did?'_

 _She nods slowly as if she's unsure, but too frightened to actually recollect the detail._

' _Can I sleep in your bed?' she says, already clambering up before you have the chance to respond. Like you would say no._

 _She snuggles into your warmth and she smells all fresh and new, so you pull her a little closer, tangling your fingers loosely through the tousles of her dark hair._

' _Why do we dream?' she asks, big blue eyes suddenly alert in the dark._

' _Sometimes if we think about something very hard, or we want something really badly, then we dream about it'_

 _She pauses, licking her lips a little 'so why do we have bad dreams?'_

' _Well that's easy silly' you say smiling 'so that we can appreciate the good ones'_

 _And she nods, solemn, satisfied with the response, because on some level, that makes enough sense to her to let it go._

' _Now go to sleep, ok' you say, kissing her softly on the top of her head._

' _I hope you have good dreams' she whispers._

' _You too Liv. Always.'_


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Hello all. First off, I've got lots of bits and pieces going on right now and my brain currently feels like it's been through a blender, so this is going to be the last update for around a week or two. It may be a little later or a little sooner, but if you 'follow' this story on here, then you should be sent an alert when the next update is on so you won't miss anything. I promise, I am not abandoning the story, I wouldn't do that, because I'm just as obsessed with it as you are!**

 **Right, for this chapter, we have Last Fall back again, so one year into the future and of course the present and Olivia. All have been sub headed for you anyway.**

 **Enjoy and I'll catch you all soon.**

 _Last Fall_

 _They're lying face to face in bed; limbs entwined, captivated by nothing and then everything, but always each other._

 _It's a delicate silence that presides over them, comfortable, but charged and so they are reluctant to break it, to disrupt the equilibrium that they have attained._

 _Piper allows her fingertips to trail across Alex's jawline and they hover there for some time, tracing lazy patterns of nothingness; a ruse, just to gently graze skin against skin. A slice of moonlight penetrates the slats of the blinds and blue green hues flicker against the stillness of night; each fleck as mesmerizing as the next. Piper drops her fingers slightly, instead, running the pad of her thumb across the warm plumpness of Alex's lips, she let's a small sigh escape from between then and there's a delicious satisfaction in the hot, sweet breath that lightly kisses her thumb. Piper raises it to her own mouth and presses her lips against it. It feels illicit somehow and turns her on a little and all the time, Alex's gaze has failed to leave hers._

 _Her fingers move to the hollow of Alex's neck now, she finds this part of her intriguing and sensual, although she can never quite explain why. She leans over and kisses the spot; feather light and she can feel Alex shift slightly, her breathing becoming a little more rapid and it makes Piper smile._

 _Alex raises an eyebrow, as if questioning the intent behind her actions, but Piper is relishing this, enjoying the fact that she can tease her in this manner._

' _You're trying to start a fire Chapman' she murmurs, her voice heavy with desire._

' _And?'_

' _You might regret it when it flares up'_

' _Never' she smiles_

' _Embers can be dangerous; you should either stoke them, or put them out altogether'_

' _How dangerous?'_

' _You might get burnt'_

' _Prove it' she whispers._

 _They make love like they used to, when rainy afternoons together were stolen treats; they make it count, unwrapping each layer of desire, exploring and conquering it, before moving to the next. Torturously slow, deliciously intense and always always captivating._

' _I love you' Alex whispers into the shifting shadows._

' _Why?' Piper replies, her lips gently brushing Alex's earlobe._

' _Because it's the only thing that's ever truly made sense to me'_

' _I love you too' she replies smiling._

' _Why?'_

' _Because it's the only thing that I've never been able to fully comprehend'_

 _Alex laughs. 'I think we're fucked kid'._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia_

' _Can't I even open just one?' she says, large blue eyes pleading as she crouches beneath the Christmas tree. Her fingers play with the red and white ribbon on the largest package._

' _Liv…..'_

' _Please…..pretty please'. Her bottom lip is protruding now. She gets up to walk towards you, dragging her feet slightly in her pink fluffy, bunny slippers and you can already feel your resolve starting to waver, because she's so goddamn adorable._

' _Which one do you want to open?' As you guessed, she points straight to the largest one that she's just been sitting next to._

' _Liv, that's your main present…'_

' _But you said to pick one….'_

 _You raise an eyebrow, seriously wondering if she has the cheek to try this, but kinda enjoying it all the same._

 _She sighs and wanders back over to the tree, but her attention is diverted as she's just remembered something. 'We don't have any carrots!' she exclaims, eyes wide with concern._

' _You want to eat carrots?'_

' _Not for me silly, for Rudolph, Dancer, Prancer…..' She pauses, trying to recollect the other Reindeer names, biting her bottom lip as she's deep in thought. 'errrmmm…..Dancer…'_

' _You already said Dancer Liv'_

 _She giggles, 'What are the others then?'_

' _I don't know honey' And you instantly remember who_ _would_ _know something like this and it makes you smile._

' _But you're a grown up, you should know…'_

 _You laugh, because she's kinda got a point and she always has a knack of catching you out like that, but you decide to tease her anyway. 'Ok…Simon….David…'_

 _She bursts out laughing 'they aren't Reindeer names'_

' _No?'_

' _Of course not! You're so funny' she shakes her head as if you're a bit crazy. 'So what will they eat then?'_

' _I don't know Liv, what do you think?'_

 _She looks over at the coffee table where she's already set down some Cookies and milk for Santa. 'Errrmmm, are they allowed to eat cookies?'_

' _Sure they are kiddo'_

' _They are?!' she says, suddenly back to being cheery._

' _Yup, so you don't have to worry'._

 _She nods, yawning._

' _I think it's bedtime'_

' _No….just ten more minutes…'_

' _The sooner you go to bed, the sooner Santa comes with the rest of your presents'_

' _Can I just sit with you for a little while longer, please?'_

' _Ok, but only ten minutes, alright?'_

 _She nods and comes and snuggles up to you on the couch, watching some trashy Christmas film on the TV. She said ten minutes, but she's already fast asleep within five. So you scoop her up, her head resting on your shoulder, feeling the warmth of her cheek next to yours and put her to bed. The warm glow of the child light on her nightstand softens her already delicate features further and as you stroke her face, the similarities with her are apparent once again, even down to the way she sleeps, with her knees scrunched up and it tugs at your core sharply. 'Merry Christmas Liv' you whisper as you kiss her goodnight and you realise, you can't wait until tomorrow._

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The present

'We should move, we're going to be late for dinner' Piper says, gently nudging Alex as they lie in bed. Neither of them noticed when late afternoon became evening, but the bedroom is suddenly blanketed by darkness and they are tangled, in a messy jumble of sheets, clothes and well earned perspiration.

'And you know Polly is a stickler for punctuality. She made reservations and everything'

Alex rolls her eyes, but doesn't budge from her position all the same.

'You just like pissing her off don't you?'

Alex doesn't reply, she just grins.

'Don't you want her to like you?' Piper says, softly, brushing her nose against Alex's cheek.

'Nope'

'Seriously?'

'Seriously'

'Even though she's my best friend'

'You've inflicted that on yourself kid' she grins.

'Fine' she says huffing, 'if you can't make the effort for me'

'I've tried Pipes, but it's always so…'

'So?'

'Painfully boring'

'Well what would you rather do instead?'

'Now you mention it' she says, pulling Piper closer and kissing her neck.

'Mmmmmm….Al….don't try those tactics...we've literally done nothing else all afternoon'

'Tactics? I didn't realise that showing my girlfriend how much I love her was evidence of some sort of skullduggery…..'

'Alex...' she drawls, her resistance all but vanished, as she lays a trail of kisses down Piper's stomach, her head disappearing under the sheets. 'We really should go….the Lobster Ravioli is a specialty…'

And then her phone is ringing, breaking the happy reverie. 'Shit' Piper says, snatching it up and seeing that it's Polly. 'Al, you need to stop, like now, I've got to speak to Polly' but Alex shows no sign of resurfacing.

'Hello' Piper says a little breathlessly

'Piper, you ok?' Polly asks, noticing the strangeness of her friend's voice.

She can feel Alex's tongue on her clit now, circling, building waves of warmth, she squirms, trying to shake her off, but Alex has a hand clamped on each of her thighs, so she can't.

'Fine' she says, taking a sharp intake of breath as the strokes of Alex's tongue become stronger.

'Are you sure?….you sound a little shrill….'

'Yup' Piper manages to squeeze out, almost squealing, her knees beginning to shake a little and all the while, the strokes of Alex's tongue becoming firmer, faster, and hungrier.

'The reservation is for 7.30, so you'll be there soon right, you're still coming aren't you?' Piper's trying to ride out the pulses of warmth, trying to focus on something else, the shadowy pile of clothes on the chair in the corner of the room, the slight warping of the third slat down on the blind…literally anything else.

'Piper, I said are you coming?'

'Yes, I am most definitely coming' she says, barely in charge of her senses and hurriedly ending the call as she finally slides over the edge and into release, fierce and shuddery.

'You fucking asshole' she rasps as Alex's grinning face re-surfaces from under the sheets.

'Nice, so that's the thanks I get for giving you a mind blowing orgasm?'

'You knew I was on the phone to Polly, god knows what she thinks now…I should call her back…' she continues, still a little breathless.

'Just leave it' Alex says taking the phone from her, 'even if you told her what you were doing she wouldn't get it, she's probably forgotten what it feels like to have an orgasm'

Piper shoots her a glare. 'Will you at least make an effort this evening, just for me? Pete will be there too, she's normally more relaxed when he's around'

Alex nods and clambers out of bed. Piper can't help but notice how alluring her silhouette looks, every curve, damn near perfect.

'Hey Vause' she whispers.

'Yea?'

'You look real hot when you're naked'

'I know' she says, shooting her a grin and making her way to the bathroom.

So. Fucking. Sexy.

'You're such an arrogant asshole' Piper yells after her. But she's smiling all the same.

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The present

'You're late' Polly says, failing to hide the scowl on her face.

'It's all my fault, i'm so _very_ sorry' Alex says, sounding anything but and taking a seat at the table, 'there was a _situation_ that had to be taken care of'

'A situation?' Polly says, sitting up in her chair, a look of concern spreading across her face.

Piper immediately glances anxiously at Alex. She has no idea where this is going and she doesn't like it one bit.

'Yea', Alex says, snatching up the wine menu.

'What sort of situation?'

'Oh just this WASP'

'A WASP?' Polly says looking confused, 'in Winter?'

'Oh yea, you have to watch out for them all year round, this one was particularly vicious; frustrated even. So I had to…ermmm…..take care of it….' She's grinning now, desperately trying to bite back a laugh, so Piper kicks her sharply under the table.

'Oh' Polly replies blankly, 'Are you frightened of WASPS or something Pipes?'

'Ermm yea…' Piper replies, failing to make eye contact with her friend, her mind directing every curse word she can think of at Alex.

'So you managed to sort the problem then?' Polly continues.

'Yea of course, but they're pesky things, WASPs, no doubt it will need to be taken care of again at some point' Alex continues, flicking through the pages of the menu, her gaze glued to the main courses, avoiding glancing at Piper.

'So you both look well' Piper says to the couple, interjecting, desperate to change the subject and giving Alex another sharp kick under the table.

They order drinks and entrees and eat in a polite buzz of chatter and niceties, but Piper can already spot Alex's attention wavering and she eventually disappears off to the bathroom. A few minutes later, Piper's phone is ringing, she pulls it out of her bag and sees it's Alex.

'Errrrmm…I've just got to take this Poll, I'll be right back' she says, hurrying outside, not bothering to wait for her friend to respond. 'Al why are you calling me?' she says answering, a little amused.

'Because staring at the walls of a toilet stall is more stimulating than listening to Polly and Pete'

Piper is determined not to laugh, she is not going to validate her asshole behaviour this evening, Alex is not going to get her way this time.

'Or maybe you're out of your depth?' she teases.

'Oh yea, how could my intellectual capabilities possibly contend with the complexities of whether duck egg or ocean boulevard is a better colour for a dining room and by the way, just so you know, there was no fucking difference between the two'

Piper is desperately trying to hold back her laughter now and it's almost painful, but she can't let her win, she has to ride this evening out like she promised she would.

'You just need to get to know them better'

'Fuck no, they'll start talking about kitchen remodeling next…hey….maybe they get off on it..'

'Al…come on…'

'I mean it, I can just imagine Poll, 'Oh Pete, look at this granite work top…oh, it's so smooth….and weighty…..solid….' she rasps seductively, with an exaggerated upper class twang.

And despite Piper's best intentions, she can't help but laugh, giggly and weightless, like a naughty schoolgirl. 'You're such a bad influence on me' she says smiling.

'Don't play innocent, you're the one that's called Piper remember?'

'And?'

'Sooner or later you have everyone enchanted by your tune…' she says grinning.

'Including you?'

Alex pauses, 'I'll let you into a secret kid…. _especially_ me, but that's classified information, got it?'

'Got it' she replies, feeling crazily joyful. 'Now get your ass back out here, Polly has bought some drape samples with her'

Alex groans. 'You're so lucky I love you'.

'I love you too Al' she whispers, 'now quit stalling, we have drapes to pick'.

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 _Olivia_

' _I'm not well' she insists, disappearing back under her bedding._

' _Liv….'_

' _I'm not' she says, her voice muffled._

 _You pull back the covers and she's scrunched up in a ball, her eyes squeezed tightly shut as if she's willing herself to disappear._

' _So what's wrong with you?'_

 _She opens her eyes, 'I feel hot…and cold….and then hot again….'_

 _You place a hand on her forehead. 'You don't feel warm right now'_

' _Yes, I told you' she says haughtily as if speaking to a simpleton, 'I also feel cold'._

' _Uh huh' you say, mildly amused, but knowing that you shouldn't be, because if you give Liv an inch, she's always sure to take a mile, and always with a mischievous smile plastered across her face._

' _Are you sure this isn't because Monday is your piano lesson and you don't like Mrs Bentley'. This is precisely the reason, because she pulls the same stunt every Monday, but today she is being even more adamant about it._

 _She shakes her head emphatically and squeezes her eyes closed again._

' _Sure?...Liv?'_

 _She opens one eye slowly and then the other 'A little….'_

 _The piano lessons weren't your idea anyway and to be honest you've met Mrs. Bentley and she is kind of an asshole; an upper class twit with several, long wispy grey hairs that protrude out of her chin, whom you and Liv have nicknamed Billy goat gruff._

' _You don't like Piano?'_

 _She shakes her head._

' _Why?'_

' _It's boring and Billy goat is mean to me'. She looks at you with those eyes, trying to assess if she's going to be in trouble for using the nickname and then when she thinks it's safe, she let's a giggle escape her lips._

 _You raise an eyebrow, 'Liv…you aren't supposed to call her that…'_

' _You call her that' she contends and yet again, the kid has you over a barrel._

' _Yes and I shouldn't have…so you don't want to do Piano, what do you want to do instead?'_

' _Stay at home with you' she smiles angelically: another one of her weapons._

' _Liv, you know that you can't'._

 _You already got in trouble for letting her cut school a couple of months ago and you don't really don't want another lecture, so you stick to being bad(ish) cop for today._

' _I want to be a grown up' she says stroppily._

' _Trust me kid, it isn't much fun'_

' _Yes it is, you get to stay at home all day and watch TV and you don't have to go to stupid school or Piano lessons'_

 _You can't help but laugh at her perception of the simplicity of your life._

' _Liv, you know that isn't true, after I drop you off at school, I go to work, then I have to come collect you, make your dinner, do your homework with you…'_

' _Not every day'_

' _Ok, not every day'. This much is true. 'But grown ups have lots of other boring stuff to do too'_

 _She doesn't seem convinced. 'Ok, how about this, you go and get ready for school and I'll make you pancakes?' She mulls it over for a little while, her little face pulled into an intense frown._

' _Pancakes with chocolate spread and strawberries?'_

' _Uh huh, if that's what you want'_

' _Promise?'_

' _Absolutely, but you have to be ready and downstairs in ten minutes, ok?'_

' _K' she says smiling now and it's a genuine one, because it reaches her eyes and they dance a little in a shaft of hazy morning sunshine, peeping through a gap in the drapes. Resplendent blue, just like hers, so identical it almost frightens you a little._

 _She throws the covers off and wanders off to the bathroom._

' _Ten minutes' you yell after her._

' _Chocolate spread and strawberries' she throws back. It isn't until you're flipping the pancakes on the griddle pan, that you realise you're still smiling._

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The present

Piper is drunk: soppy, swaying, rambling drunk. Alex was finding it amusing, cute even, until they had to negotiate the stairs to the apartment. Now, however, it's become less fun as they play a game, comprised of coercion and balance; a game that Piper is presently losing: badly.

'Pipes, the idea is to go _up_ the stairs' Alex says, desperately trying to prop her girlfriend up, by sliding an arm around her waist. Piper collapses into her, her legs buckling and lands in a heap on the third step up, pulling Alex down with her.

'Pipes' Alex sighs.

'Alex' Piper replies giggling.

'Next time, maybe go easy on the cocktails, huh?'

'Well, I enjoyed the slippery nipple, I always do' she says grinning goofily.

'Hmmmm...you're so wasted right now'

'Am not'

'I reckon you might be kid'

'I'm just tired' she slurs, 'can you carry me?'

Alex shakes her head 'you're actually heavier than you look'

'It's my brain...' She says tapping her temple, 'it weighs a lot'

'Well I wouldn't expect anything less from a Smith grad' Alex laughs.

'Do you want to know a secret' Piper whispers conspiratorially.

'What's that?'

'I think you're smoking hot'

'Yup, definitely wasted' she grins. 'Now come on, we need to get you into bed'

'Are you trying to take advantage of me Ms Vause?'

'Nope'

'Well that's a shame...you're no fun', she says, the edges of her words liquid.

'By the way, I meant sex' she says, as if revealing something clandestine.

'I know what you meant Pipes, maybe your current state of inebriation is giving you a skewed sense of subtlety?'

'You're funny' she says, resting her head against Alex's shoulder.

They sit in silence for a couple of minutes; finger's loosely laced together, Piper's steady breath on Alex's cheek.

'Al...'

'Yea?'

'I don't feel well...'

'Please don't tell me you're gonna be sick'

'Ok, I won't tell you that...but I think I am'

Alex rolls her eyes. 'Well don't do it out here at least, let's get you upstairs'. She slings Piper's arm over her shoulder and puts her own arm around Piper's waist.

'Ok, after three, we're going to get up ok...?'

'Uh huh...wait...after three what?' She says a little confused.

'Three seconds...seriously Pipes, you are never drinking this much again. Ready?'

She nods.

'One...two...'

'Are you not doing halves?' Piper interrupts.

'What?!'

'When me, Cal and Danny used to play hide and seek, we used to do a count down like 1...1 and a half...two...two and a half...'

Alex sighs, exasperated 'will that help to get you up?'

'You look a teensy bit mad Al, the vein in your neck is popping', she says, pressing a finger against it.

'I'm not mad Pipes'

'Promise'

'Yes...I just really need you get up ok?'

She nods and allows Alex to hold her steady as she clambers to her feet, slowly but surely making their way up the stairs and arriving at the front door of the apartment.

'Al…'

'Yea…' she replies, using one hand to grab her keys from her pocket and open the front door.

'Your hand just touched my boob' she chuckles, 'boob's a funny word isn't it?'

Alex shakes her head, smiling, 'you're fucking nuts'

'Boob' Piper repeats still giggling, before stumbling into the apartment and collapsing on the bed.

Alex sighs, knowing she's in deep: real fucking deep.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: My muse is angry with me, pretty damn fucked off in fact. What i'm trying to say is that this chapter was written after about four solid days of writer's block, my Vauseman tank was running on empty and I kinda wish I hadn't taken a break,** _ **but**_ **I have produced something for you in any case.**

 **As far as this story goes, I'm pretty sure that chapter 24 will be the last,** _ **however,**_ **I do have something else in the pipeline, so watch out for that.**

 **As for this chapter, the 'present' has moved to the period when 'Last Fall' took place. This particular chapter focuses on Piper's chemical pregnancy, when Alex took off for a couple of days. Then we have the Olivia sections and future pregnant Piper. Everything has been sub headed to make it easier for you to follow.**

 **Enjoy.**

The present 

Explosions; a myriad of tiny little ruptures, tearing through the fibre of everything that they are.

She's sat on the couch, veiled by midnight shadows, serenaded by an eerie silence; a scream trapped in her throat.

'Alex' Piper says softly, so softly it hurts. Because Alex wonders if after tonight, she'll ever say her name like that again. She walks across the room and sits next to her on the couch, bare legs touching Alex's and there's a strange comfort in that and it makes Alex want to cry

'Don't shut me out. Please' she says, taking Alex's hand, lacing their fingers together. But they seem to jar, they don't interlink like they usually do and the whole thing feels forced and awkward.

'Piper I…..' she begins, but really, she has no idea how to finish the sentence, blank space where words should be.

'I don't even know if I _am_ pregnant for sure…it just feels like I might be' she says and it's then that Alex notices it, the desperate undertone to her voice. She _really_ wants this, more than she's wanted anything, maybe even her. And that's fucking with Alex. A lot.

'We talked about this' Piper continues, blue eyes shimmering in the gloom, willing Alex to meet her gaze. 'You agreed, you said you were ok with it'. She's trying to keep a lid on her frustration, so they can deal with this rationally, but the control is gradually slipping. She's right though, Alex did say it was ok….but that was all. Ok; a loose agreement, something she didn't honestly think was going to come to fruition, even when they were sat, staring at the sterile white walls of the consultation room at the clinic, because it was a percentage game….except the odds, as ever, were not tipped in Alex's favour.

'You said ok' she repeats, almost to herself, as if it's only now dawning on her that 'ok' is not the same as yes, not by a long chalk. That somewhere along the line, her desire for a child made her immune to the reality of what was going on inside Alex's head, or worse still, that she selfishly chose to ignore it.

'Are you saying you don't want this now? It was a mistake?' she asks, firmer this time as she loosens her grip on Alex's hand, freeing her fingers and wrapping her arms around herself to shield from the cold. But she's frightened she already knows the answer, that deep down, she always has.

And still, the words will not come; something to fix this, to move forward, so Alex remains silent, shivering against the witching hour chill, cold floor boards beneath her bare feet, wondering how they got here.

'Maybe I should just go to Polly's or something'. Piper says turning away from her. 'We should maybe take a break and then….'

'…You're breaking up with me?' Alex replies, eyes darting to Piper's face, her voice thick with pain and confusion, because she's being punished for something that she never really signed up for and it's so goddamn unfair, the brutal injustice of it all.

'I never said that' Piper says, turning back, but her tone refuses to soften, because for her, there clearly is only one culprit in all of this and she's sitting next to her.

'I'm trying so hard Pipes, why can't you see that?'

And for a second, all Piper wants to do is reach out and hold her, because she sounds so vulnerable and childlike, as she stares down at the floor, twisting a loose thread from her t-shirt around her finger, tighter and tighter, making the blood pulse; angry and hot.

'I don't want you to _try_ Alex, I want you to want this, _really_ want this….'

And then green eyes lock with hers, searching for solace….understanding.

'You can't do this?' Piper continues a new sense of urgency to her voice, gaze narrowed as she scutinises Alex's face for even the merest hint of co-operation, 'because I know it's overwhelming Al, I really do….I mean how do you think I feel? I'm going to be carrying it….but it will _so_ be worth it….these are just initial jitters…Larry and I, we were the same first time, but it soon fades, I promise'. She smiles, but it's forced, lips narrowed, pulled into more of a grimace.

But Alex is struggling, because it's hard to explain fear, especially when it's firmly rooted in something that you so desperately want to forget. Memories; thick and black; a sticky tar that you cannot wash away, no matter how hard you try.

Alex Vause, a poor, fucked up, little bastard child. A life punctuated with battered sneakers, broken glasses, scrimping and saving and scrimping some more. An absent father: an abstract image but a very real pain.

'I've practically been taking care of myself since I was twelve' is all she feels capable of offering. She can skip the detail. No good ever comes from the detail.

Piper shakes her head, confused. 'So?'

'So, it's just been me…sometimes Diane…but mainly me'. She pauses, not knowing exactly where she's going with this, but Piper's looking at her eagerly, anticipating some sort of explanation, something tangible, so she continues regardless.

'I'm not saying it's my mom's fault, she's been busting her ass to make a living her whole life…. the restaurant, cleaning jobs…'. Dusty images filter through her mind. Diane cat napping on the couch, at the dinner table, whilst listening to Alex read, because that's all she ever had time for, in between jobs and managing her daughter, stopping her from doing something reckless.

'But it won't be like that for our child, we'll _both_ be there for them' Piper reasons.

'Don't you see Pipes? I'm not the sort of parental figure that a kid needs, not our kid not any kid…'

'What? Where is this all coming from?' She says, a panic rising through her. It's easy to sense and it's borne out of the realisation that she's losing a grip on the one thing she was sure of; them.

Alex doesn't know how to tell her that this isn't something new, it's what she's carried around with her, every single day of her life; the yoke of the downtrodden and fucked up and moreover, that she's frightened the baby is going to replace her, that there won't be enough room in Piper's heart for both of them, not fully, not like there is now.

'I just know that things are going to change' she says, snatching up her cigarettes and lighter from the coffee table and walking over to window, desperate to escape Piper's intense scrutiny. She cracks it open, an icy breeze immediately nipping at her cheeks and lights a cigarette. She takes a deep drag, exhales and watches the smoke loop and snake into the still of the night.

'Of course they're going to change' Piper replies, almost as if she cannot believe that she is having to spell this out. 'But in a good way: a really great way in fact'. But Alex's heart feels shrouded and even Piper's words cannot penetrate it. This isn't what she wants: because she's convinced that she can't do it.

'And if I _am_ pregnant, what then? This isn't like changing your mind about an entrée you've ordered, you can't just send it back'. There's no hiding it now, she's angry. Eyes glassy with hurt filled tears, because Alex is threatening to fuck up the thing that she has wanted for so long and she's not sure if she can go through this all alone, the mere thought of it is making her shake.

'For fuck's sake Al, will you just answer?!' She says, walking towards her, the thin threads of composure finally snapping. Her eyes are intense, blurred with pain and she's tugging at Alex's arm, like a small child wanting to get her way. Except it's not going to work, not for this.

'I won't be anything to do with the baby, well not really' Alex replies staring out onto the street below. The words tumble out of her mouth cold and hard, like they never belonged to her in the first place.

'What?!'

'I'm just saying' Alex continues, flicking her cigarette stub out of the window and turning to face Piper, 'It's not my DNA….not my blood….it's yours…all yours….'

It's the word blood that makes her brain scream at her to stop, because it counts for fuck all and she knows that, after all, where was her blood all her fucking life? Her father.

But whatever was in Piper's eyes before has gone: replaced by disgust: because she's standing in front of a contorted version of Alex, one that she never knew existed and the bitter reality of it hits her sharply, like a taut slap.

'That's what you think counts?' she says and her voice is softer now, because the anger has been replaced by something much worse. Disbelief. It snaps everything back into sharp focus as the gravity of what she has just said washes over Alex.

'Piper I didn't…' she turns to hold her, to kiss her, to do just about anything in her power to try and patch this up a little; this searing slash that she has just made to the canvas of their relationship. But Piper just shrugs her off, like she's something that will contaminate her, not to be trusted.

'If you really don't want this Alex' she says, holding her gaze fiercely, her words measured, 'then…..' she pauses, swallows hard, as if she can't quite transfer the words out of her brain and onto her lips because they've travelled via her heart, taken on excess baggage.

'Just say it Piper'. And now it's Alex's turn to be mad, because she was right, Polly was right: 'with or without you'. This means more to her than Alex. Piper's turned away from her and Alex can make out the heaving of her shoulders in the inky shadows; she's crying, desperately trying to stifle the sobs that are saying everything she is unable to convey with words.

'I think it's best if I go for now' Alex says flatly and without even waiting for a response, she walks to the bedroom. As she pulls on some clothes, she's counting to ten, hoping that before she gets to the end, Piper will stop her, do something to try and fix this, but the silence remains. So she grabs her car keys, phone and bag and she's gone, pulling the front door firmly behind her, rattling Piper's soul. 'Alex' she finally breathes; the word that was caught in her throat. But it's too late.

As Alex hit's night head on, the wind slicing at her unforgivingly, she realises that she's learnt something tonight; the pain isn't alright. It isn't even fucking bearable.

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The present

It's the pain that wakes her up, the searing agony across her stomach. She groans, lifting her head from the pillow, it feels heavy and groggy after a disturbed night's sleep. Hour after hour of her mind recounting the argument with Alex, each time, eliciting a fresh wave of pain. She throws the covers back and only then does the real horror dawn on her. A dark pool of crimson slowly creeps and spreads around her. She looks down at her blue shorts, now a sickly violet, like over ripened fruit and all she can do is scream, because she knows what this is and why this is happening. She stumbles out of bed, snatching up her cell and hurriedly dials Alex's number, but it goes straight to voicemail. 'Fuck!' she yells; her thoughts freefalling because the one person she thought she could bank on is nowhere to be seen.

She's doing this alone and rather than upsetting her, she's angry and she's suddenly glad as hell that Alex isn't stood in front of her, because right now, she's not sure she could bear to look at her and so she finds herself calling Polly instead and wishing to god that she had never gone to that clothes store and more than that, that she'd never laid eyes on Alex Vause.

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 _Olivia_

 _She's sitting on a chair outside the principle's office, sulking. Her knee is grazed and her shirt is torn but she still looks so goddamn stubborn all the same._

' _Hey kid, you ok?' you say, gently brushing your fingertips across the wound._

 _She doesn't even flinch, just nods: angry, cold eyes, narrowed, focusing on something in the distance._

' _You wanna tell me about it?' you ask, sliding into the seat next to her._

' _I just want to go home' she says flatly, turning to face you._

' _We can't Liv, we've got to speak to the principle first….he told me you were fighting.'_

' _I wasn't' she snaps back._

' _You sure?' you say, raising an eyebrow, meeting her gaze, but she turns her head away and folds her arms defiantly._

' _Honey, if you don't tell me, then how can I understand…?'_

' _I'll get in trouble' she reasons._

' _I promise you won't'_

' _Pinky swear?' she says offering up her little finger and you laugh, because you know precisely whom she's learnt that from._

' _Sure, pinky swear' you reply, linking fingers, 'So tell me?'_

 _She immediately uncrosses her arms and turns to face you, her eyes softening, wide and animated as she recounts the story. 'I was doing my presentation on the solar system, the one that you helped me with, the one that we made the model for'_

' _Uh huh' you say smiling, because you're remembering how Liv almost super glued 'Pluto' to the kitchen table._

' _And when I got to Uranus, Emily yelled out 'your anus' and everyone started laughing at me'. She's pouting again now, her little face scrunched up into a deep scowl as she recollects the humiliation and all you want to do is wrap her up in an embrace, take her home and buy her ice cream and if it was left_ _just_ _down to you, then that's precisely what you would do, but it isn't and so you have to grin and bear it with her._

' _So then what happened?' you say, having already had a brief run down from the Principle's snooty secretary._

 _She takes a deep breath and continues. 'When we finished class and went to recess, she kept yelling the same thing at me and everyone was making fun of me, so I got mad and I pushed her…a bit….'_

' _A bit?'_

' _Not hard…I promise, but then she pushed me harder and I fell' she says pointing at her knee 'and then I tried to get up and she kept shoving me and ripped my shirt. It's not fair' she says, the heel of her shoe kicking the chair leg, 'she started it'._

' _I know honey, but sometimes in life, you have to let these things go and be more grown up about it.' You feel like such a goddamn hypocrite and secretly, you're actually quite pleased that she didn't take any shit from this snotty nosed brat Emily, whose mother you've had the misfortune of having to speak to several times._

' _So I should have just let her make fun of me?'_

' _No Liv, but there's other ways to deal with things'_

' _Well I hate Emily and I hate this stupid school' she replies, irritated, kicking the chair leg again in protest._

' _Hey guess what?' you say to her, gently rubbing your finger across her cheek._

' _What' she replies, surly and uninterested._

' _When we're done here, I'm gonna take you for ice cream'_

 _She smiles: big and true. 'Really?'_

' _Sure'_

' _But what about the rest of my classes? I have Math and double History. Won't I get in trouble?'_

' _Leave it with me kid' you grin. And you know you're going to cop a shit ton of flack for this later, but you figure that some things are worth it and this is most definitely one of them._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The Present

Alex parks up the car, cuts the engine and pulls out her cell to call Diane. But the more she thinks about it, the more she realises it's a bad idea. It's late and it will worry her and more than that, she's not sure she can deal with the endless stream of questions that she'll no doubt want to ask. But before she has a chance to do anything, her phone's ringing and it's Piper. She toys with the idea of sending it to voicemail because she can't handle another argument right now, but she finds herself answering all the same.

'Alex' she says shakily. She sounds as if she's still crying, the remnants of a sob still caught in her throat and immediately Alex feels a stab of regret, because she is the reason for causing this pain, to the person that means the most to her.

'Hey' she replies: no anger, no upset, no nothing.

'I was just making sure you were safe….' She pauses as if wanting to add something else, but then decides against it.

'Yea, i'm fine'. She can hear Piper's breathing softly down the phone and suddenly Alex longs to feel it against her cheek, to tangle her fingers through her blonde hair and whisper soothing words, but it's too late. Maybe it always was.

'I can't do this without you' Piper says, almost pleading, as if the reality of everything has just dawned on her and it's too overwhelming to comprehend.

Alex closes her eyes and leans back in her seat. 'I think you were right, we just need a break' she replies. It's all she can offer her right now. And she knows it isn't what Piper wants to hear, but it's all she has.

'Al…..please…' and shedefinitely _is_ crying now, so gently it almost sounds like a whimper and Alex knows that if she doesn't hang up right now, then she'll agree; agree to anything to make her happy, even if she knows it won't work, because she cannot deal with Piper being in so much pain.

'I've got to go Piper…I'll speak to you soon' she says hanging up. She hurriedly turns the engine of the car back on and drives for miles, through nameless side streets, along bustling boulevards and eventually ends parked up outside the bar. It's only then that she realises something; she needs a fix.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia_

 _Liv is thrilled and she can barely contain it, as she jostles around in the passenger seat of the car. 'Can you believe I got the part?' she says beaming proudly. She's not waiting for a reply, because this is about the fifteenth time she's asked in the space of five minutes. She's just happy, real over joyed. 'Will you help me with my lines?' she asks, tone suddenly serious._

' _Of course'_

' _And my costume…what does the Wizard of Oz wear?'_

' _Ermm, Wizard stuff?'_

 _She giggles, 'What's Wizard stuff?'_

' _You know, like a cape….'_

' _Will you help me with my costume?'_

 _You hesitate, because you know who would be better at this sort of stuff than you. 'Don't worry, we'll make sure you've got the best costume'._

 _She nods, still looking proud as punch, but then pauses, scanning the road ahead and it's surroundings suspiciously. 'This isn't the way home' she says suddenly, her smile vanishing._

' _Nope, we're going to Grandma and Grandpa's'. You hesitate, awaiting the inevitable response. You were holding off telling her for as long as possible because you didn't want to spoil her mood, but now she's twigged and she's looking at you accusingly._

' _Why?'_

' _It's Grandma's birthday, remember?' And you've been given specific orders that she has to be there in time for the cake to be cut._

' _But I don't want to go' she whines, turning away from you, chewing her finger nails and staring out of the window._

' _Come on Liv, it won't be for long and you want to make Grandma happy on her special day don't you?'_

' _But it's no fun there, they never let me_ _do_ _anything'._

 _She has a point, they seem to forget that Liv is still a child rather than some sort of Republican protégée. They've already tried to infiltrate the workings of her mind, arranging play dates with the next door neighbours' Grandson, because he comes from 'good stock' and therefore is sure to be a good influence. You just grin and bear it, like you've been doing for years. It should get easier over time, but it doesn't seem to, in fact, you're beginning to resent it more and more and there's only one reason you haven't told them to go fuck themselves._

' _It's just for an hour or so honey and then we can come home….plus, I have it on good authority the cake is the big gooey chocolate kind….your favourite'_

 _And suddenly she's interested again. Her big blue eyes dart back to you. 'The one with the chocolate fudge icing?' she mumbles, her fingers still in her mouth._

' _Uh huh and don't bite your nails, it's a bad habit'_

 _She giggles._

' _What's so funny?' you ask, a little bemused._

' _You sound like Grandma' she replies still grinning._

 _This kid is too smart for her own good, you think, but you kinda like it all the same._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _One month to go_

' _Hey'_

' _Pipes? Why aren't you asleep, it's late'. Piper can hear raucous laughter and the clinking of glasses in the background._

' _I think the baby has decided that tonight is the night that they're going to do the river dance'._

 _Alex laughs. 'Feeling uncomfortable huh?'_

' _Yes. It's got to be a boy, a girl would never cause this much trouble'_

' _I bet that's what your parents thought when they had you and look how that turned out' Alex says, laughing._

' _Can't you finish early tonight? I need someone to rub my back and tell me I'm beautiful'_

' _l see, so you're having one of_ _those_ _days….?'_

' _I'm a big fat puffy blob, I can barely walk from the couch to the bathroom without feeling tired, how the fuck do you expect me to be?'_

' _Hormones still interchangeable as well?' Alex replies grinning._

' _Well I'm glad that this is a source of amusement for you. Enjoy the rest of your shift, checking out all the slim attractive women…don't worry about your bare foot and pregnant girlfriend!'_

' _Come on Pipes, you're not some fifties housewife…'_

' _Feels like it' she mumbles stroppily._

' _Of course not, I mean I only want us to have another three children and by the way, can you make sure my dinner's ready when I get back?'_

' _Fucking hilarious Al, i'll see you later' she says hanging up. She turns the lamp off on the nightstand and propped up on several pillows, attempts to get some sleep. She drifts off eventually, but it's a listless, sort of slumber. Shapeless, shifting shadows drifting through her mind until she eventually wakes again, half an hour later. She sighs and decides to watch some TV rather than tossing and turning endlessly, but then she hears the latch on the front door opening._

' _Al?' she shouts hesitantly._

' _Hey, you're still awake' she says walking into the bedroom. 'Junior still causing you problems huh?'_

' _Yes. For the amount of hassle I'm getting, I'm finding it hard to believe this child doesn't have your genetic input. Maybe I'm carrying Damien?'_

' _So now I'm the Devil?'_

' _Maybe'_

' _Well, I've certainly got some bad thoughts running through my mind' she grins._

 _Piper rolls her eyes. 'How come you're back anyway? You're not due to finish for another couple of hours?'_

 _Alex removes her jacket and tosses it on a chair in the corner of the room. I realised that I forgot to do something' she says, sitting on the edge of the bed._

' _What?'_

' _Tell you that you're beautiful'_

 _Piper shakes her head, laughing, 'Smooth'_

' _Never miss a beat kid' she grins._

' _I just want it to be over already' Piper complains, running a hand over her stomach._

' _It will, real soon and then we can begin 18 years of sheer torture'_

 _Piper shakes her head, 'no way, our baby will be angelic'_

' _In denial, like all expectant mothers' Alex laughs._

' _It's the only way to get through it….but we're ready for this, right?'_

' _Yea of course. The spare room is all set up, the hospital bag is ready and…'_

'… _no, I mean us, are_ _we_ _ready for this'_

' _Well, I might need a few shots of tequila to get me through the labour….'_

' _Alex' she says firmly, 'I'm being serious, are we good?_

' _We've never been better, we've got this' she says._

 _Outside it's raining, lashing at the window pane relentlessly and sometimes, it feels like it's never stopped since the day she met Piper, but it doesn't matter any more, because finally, she's getting everything that she's ever wanted. Just for once, things have worked out._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia_

' _What did you want to be when you grew up?' she asks, in between mouthfuls of PB and J, swinging her legs on the stool at the breakfast bar._

' _Taller' you say laughing._

' _Well it worked' Olivia grins. She's such a little smartass and it never ceases to make you smile._

' _What about you Liv, you thought about it?'_

 _She nods._

' _So?'_

' _The president'. You're can't help but grin. The kid certainly doesn't aim low._

' _Yea? And you think people would vote for you?'_

' _Of course they would' she says taken another bite of sandwich, leaving remnants of jelly at the corners of her mouth, 'because everyone that voted for me would get a free PB and J sandwich'_

' _I'm pretty sure that's bribery Liv and you're not allowed to do that' you reply, stifling a laugh at the workings of her brain._

' _No, i'm not offering them bribery, I'm offering them PB and J' she says more firmly this time and looking at you as if you're some sort of moron. This kid is becoming more and more of a handful each day, but that's what makes her so special, she keeps you on your toes, challenges you like nothing else and in a way, she's made you a better version of yourself, one that doesn't suck._

' _But even when I am president, we can all still live together' she adds, almost as an after thought._

' _Well that's great to know. Come on then President Liv, let's get you cleaned up' you say, wiping a tissue around her mouth, 'Your ride to the zoo's gonna be here soon'_

' _Why can't you come?' she asks, chugging down the remnants of her milk._

' _I've got to go to work Liv to earn money to keep you in PB and J' you reply, tickling her._

 _She giggles and then adds breathlessly, 'When I'm president, we'll be so rich and we can go to the zoo all day long because you won't have to work'_

 _You smile back at her. 'I can't wait kid, I really can't wait'_


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: First off, many thanks to Vausemaniac for her input into this chapter, much appreciated.**

 **I hope this chapter brings things to a satisfactory conclusion and answers the many many questions some of you have had.**

 **I'd like to thank all of those that have read, reviewed and messaged, it was much appreciated.**

 **I'm presently working on a new fic, it's a multi-chapter and will most likely be up some time this weekend/early next week, so keep an eye out for it.**

 **So here it is folks, the finale.**

 **Enjoy.**

The baby is pink, wrinkly and screaming it's little lungs out; a small ball of pulsing fury, like it's pissed at being released into the real world and who the hell can blame it?

'It's a girl' the midwife announces and in three short words, this small, messy bundle moves from being an 'it', an unknown quantity, to something very real.

They clean her up a little, swaddle her in a generic hospital blanket and then hand her to Piper. She's got her eyes, big and gloriously blue, except nothing lurks behind them yet, she's a blank canvas: no emotional scars and no baggage. We were all like this once, Alex thinks, though she finds it hard to believe. She's pretty sure that trouble's been hounding her own soul since the very day she was born; like it's part of her DNA.

Alex has never seen Piper smile like this before. There's palpable warmth emanating from her and her eyes are sparkling as if she's found the answer to a question that she didn't even realise she had asked. She's radiant, content and unbelievably fucking happy.

'I can't believe we did this Al' she says beaming, 'she's so...she's everything I ever wanted'.

Alex smiles back, because really, she can't believe it's actually happened and everything is just so overwhelming that she feels a little faint.

'Look at her' Piper says, her eyes failing to leave their daughter's face, her joy impenetrable. 'Olivia'

The only name they could agree on. And it's perfect.

She reaches out to touch the baby; their daughter, almost as if she can't quite believe this is real and she responds immediately by opening out a tiny hand and curling it tightly around Alex's forefinger and it's in that moment that it dawns on Alex, she never knew just how much she wanted her until right this very second. The realisation hits her so firmly in the chest, that for a moment, she feels quite breathless. 'Olivia' she whispers.

Her heart has never felt so full.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia_

 _The location for the grave was Olivia's choice and you have to admit that it is beautiful, shrouded by a large Cherry Tree, the blossom littering the top of the grave like confetti and you're pretty sure that's how she would have wanted to be remembered; like a celebration, not something dark and miserable._

 _Olivia lays the flowers down next to it; a bunch of sunshine yellow Daffodils, like she does every week and she turns and regards you with big blue eyes and asks the same question she always does; 'She's in some place nice isn't she?'_

 _And you nod and smile 'Of course she is kid, in the best place there is…I guarantee it'_

' _Because she was special'_

' _Very_ _special'_

 _She thinks about it for a second, eyes scanning the grave and then turns back, to face you 'and she won't be lonely?'_

' _No of course not, she'll be having so much fun, trust me on this kid'_

 _And she nods, appeased and takes your hand. 'Can we go see Finn now?'_

' _Sure Liv, anything you want' you say staring back at the flowers as they flutter in the spring breeze and for some reason, it brings a strange smile to your face, because actually, you do think she'll be happy where she is now and it's only when you get back to the car, that you realise, you really like Daffodils._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia (return from Summer camp)_

 _The phone rings five times before she eventually picks up and when she does, she sounds a little distracted._

' _Hey'_

' _Hey Al, everything ok? I'm a little busy preparing for my meeting'_

' _Errr yea….i'm just in the car…don't yell, but..'_

 _Piper sighs, 'What have you done?'_

' _I'm on my way to pick Liv up from Summer camp'_

' _Why?' she says, immediately concerned._

' _Because she sounded so miserable on the phone earlier…' she tails off, she knows that reason alone isn't going to persuade Piper that this is a good idea._

' _Al, we both know she does this every single time she goes away for camp…haven't you ever wondered why it's normally you that she calls and not me?'_

' _Because I have a more amiable telephone manner?' she laughs_

' _Nice try, but no, it's because she's got you wrapped around her little finger and boy does she know how to play on that'_

 _She's silent for a few seconds and Alex knows that she's right to a degree, but if she's honest, she misses Olivia so much when she's not there, she kinda latches on to any excuse to have her back at home._

' _So you're mad at me?' she replies_

' _Of course I'm not mad at you Al, I know how much you miss her, so do I and if I genuinely thought she was miserable, then of course I wouldn't want her to stay at camp….'_

' _Maybe we should just stop sending her then?'_

' _It helps to develop her social skills'_

' _So do I'_

 _She laughs, 'I don't want her mind to be corrupted'_

' _Plus she said the Mac and Cheese was bad and that's kinda unforgivable as far as I'm concerned….'_

' _Mac and Cheese?'_

' _Hey, it's serious business' she grins._

' _Well we'll have to talk about it when I get back, there's no point continually paying for camps when she never completes them'_

' _Why do I get the impression you're more mad at me than Liv?'_

' _Because sometimes I feel as if I have_ _two_ _children, especially when you get together' but her voice has softened a little now, as if she's biting back a smile and Alex knows she's crossed over into safe territory. 'Look I've got to go, my meeting's in half an hour, but I'll see you when I get back'_

' _Ok'_

' _And Al..'_

' _Yea?'_

' _Please don't fill her up with candy, she won't eat her dinner'_

' _Uh huh'_

' _Al….'_

' _Yea?'_

' _Sound more convincing'_

' _I can't lie to you babe' she says smiling._

 _Piper sighs, 'God, it's a good job I love you Vause'_

' _We'll bring you back some candy' she says, grinning as she hangs up._

 _Only 80 miles to go._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia (bad dream)_

' _Is she ok?' Piper whispers into the shadows, staring down at Olivia. She's lying diagonally, knees hunched up to her chest, across her side of the bed._

 _Alex shifts slightly, freeing her right arm, pinned to the bed by Olivia's sleeping body. 'Yea' she replies in hushed tones, 'she just had a bad dream. So what did Polly call you about?'_

 _They both wander out onto the landing, so as not to disturb their daughter._

' _She's pregnant again and she's having a meltdown because it wasn't planned'_

' _Oh, but she was ok?'_

' _Yea, she'll be fine' she pauses and peeks back into the bedroom. 'Looks like I'll be sleeping in Liv's bed tonight then' she laughs._

' _I can carry her back to her room?'_

' _No, don't disturb her'_

' _I can come spoon with you for a little while?'_

 _Piper throws her arms around Alex's neck, 'You have no idea how good that sounds'_

' _Let's go then' she replies grinning._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia (Christmas Eve)_

 _Alex hears the latch on the front door open, closely followed by Piper's footsteps._

' _Oh my god, it is so unbelievably cold out there' Piper says, shutting the door and placing some bags on the floor. 'Any idea where I can warm these up' she says, wandering into the living room and blowing into her hands. Her eyes flick to Alex and she grins, mischief clearly on her mind._

' _Get away from me with those things…' Alex says pointing to Piper's hands and immediately moving to the farthest side of the couch._

' _Oh come on honey, you love what my hands can do' Piper replies grinning._

' _Not when they are ice cold…I swear to god Pipes, if you come near me with those then…then…'_

' _Then what?' Piper says…_

' _You won't get your Christmas gift…'_

' _Well…maybe that's a risk I'm willing to take' she says, leaning over Alex, her breath hot and sweet as her fingertips trace the waistband of Alex's jeans. She immediately winces as if she's been stung._

' _Pipes..you need to….'_

' _Mom?' Olivia says, appearing in the doorway, rubbing sleep from her eyes._

' _Oh hey baby' Piper says, pulling away from Alex sharply._

' _What were you doing?' she says, looking confused._

' _Oh…errrmmm' She flashes Alex a pleading look for assistance, but she just shrugs, grinning. 'Errrmm…Alex had something in her eye, tell her Al…'_

' _Huh? I mean oh yea sure….my eye….'_

' _Anyway' Piper says, hurriedly changing the subject, what are you still doing up?'_

' _You woke me'_

' _Oh, I'm so sorry honey, I just had to drop some gifts over at Uncle Cal's'_

' _Is he not coming tomorrow?' she says, sitting on the edge of the couch._

' _No, they're going to Auntie Neri's parents' house, but he sent me your gifts'_

 _Suddenly she's ultra alert, eyes darting straight to the tree, seeking out any unfamiliar parcels . 'I can't see them?' she says a little concerned._

' _They're in a bag by the door Liv, but look, it's late and until you go to sleep, Santa won't be able to come with the rest of your gifts will he?'_

 _She glances over at Alex for confirmation._

' _She's right kiddo, you want me to come tuck you in?' She nods, yawning. Piper kisses her goodnight and she trots out of the room with Alex trailing behind her._

' _Oh and Al' Piper says softly_

' _Yea?'_

'' _When you get back, we can finish what we started'_

' _But my eye feels fine now' she grins._

' _We shouldn't take any chances' Piper replies licking her lips. 'See you in five'_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _0livia( Piano lesson)_

' _Mmmmm…pancakes? They smell good, in aid of anything special?' Piper says, popping a strawberry into her mouth._

' _Coaxing our child to go to school' Alex replies, unscrewing a jar of chocolate spread._

' _Piano lesson?'_

' _Uh huh'_

' _My mom paid for them Al'_

' _So?'_

' _So….it's rude if we just pull her out of the classes'_

' _But it's making her miserable….plus she hasn't got Pianists fingers, they're like yours' she laughs._

' _Hey, there is nothing wrong with my fingers' she says glancing down at her hands as if she needs to satisfy herself._

' _Seriously Pipes, I don't want her to be miserable every Monday because of it'_

' _Don't you think it's a valuable lesson though, sometimes we all have to do stuff we don't want to do in life…'_

' _Maybe…'_

' _Look, how about we have a proper talk with her about it after school and if she really is unhappy, we can switch her to something else, ok?'_

' _How did you get to be so sensible?' Alex replies, turning her attention back to the griddle pan._

 _Piper shrugs, 'one of us has to be I guess'_

' _Well, it would be no fun if we_ _both_ _were, would it?' Alex says, swatting Piper's ass with a spatula._

' _Ow, Al!'_

' _There's no pleasure without pain' Alex laughs._

' _Yea, well in that case, you must come with a shit ton worth of pleasure'_

' _I'm not disagreeing with you'_

' _Such an asshole' she says smiling 'But you make_ _great_ _pancakes'_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia(outside the Principal's office)_

 _They're sat in the diner. Alex is sipping a coffee as she watches Liv dig around the bottom of the sundae glass with the long spoon, desperately trying to retrieve the cherry that has sunk to the bottom. She never eats it, she just likes to pull it out of the glass as if it's some sort of buried treasure._

 _Her phone rings and she braces herself when she sees it's Piper._

' _Hey'_

' _Al' she says sounding a little panicked, 'I only just picked up the message from the school, I was in an area meeting all morning, damn promotion….is everything ok, is Liv hurt?'_

' _She's fine, calm down, it was just a little….misunderstanding' she replies, watching Liv's eyes light up as she manages to finally scoop the cherry out. She plops it onto the table and licks the chocolate fudge sauce from the spoon, managing to smear some across her nose in the process. Alex immediately swipes at her with a napkin._

' _Have you gone back to work?' Piper continues._

' _No…I'm with Liv'_

' _Are you still at the school?' she says suspiciously._

' _No, she was upset so, I bought her for ice cream…'_

' _Al, you know she shouldn't be cutting classes'_

' _She was upset' Alex repeats, staring over at a very contended looking Olivia, basking in a sugar rush 'and she hurt her knee' she adds, attempting to strengthen her defence'_

' _And you just can't help yourself when it comes to her can you? Where's the badass Vause when you need her?'_

' _For your eyes only'_

' _Seems that way'_

' _Is that a problem?'_

' _Guess not'_

' _Good, now I'd better go, Liv has decided she wants to drop out of school and join the travelling circus, so we just need to get her a clown costume'. Olivia immediately burst into fits of giggles._

' _Don't even joke about it Al'_

' _Lion tamer?'_

' _Al….'_

' _Trapeze artist?'_

' _Bye Alex'_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia(School play and Grandma Chapman)_

' _Mom!' Olivia says bounding into the kitchen and almost bowling Piper over as she throws her arms around her, 'I got the part, I'm the Wizard of Oz!'. Her eyes are bright and wide and she has a broad, toothy grin plastered across her face. Alex leans against the kitchen counter and in that moment, she cannot help but think how much like Piper she looks. It makes her heart swell and she coughs back a wave of emotion._

' _That's great baby' Piper replies, kissing her on the top of the head._

' _Yea, so I need a costume, will you help me?'_

' _Of course I will, how about I take you shopping for it tomorrow after school?'_

' _Yay!' she says doing a little jump. She spins round regarding Alex, 'and will you help me with my lines?'_

' _Sure I will, now go wash up, dinner's going to be ready soon'_

 _She nods, still smiling and dashes upstairs._

' _How was your day' Alex says, pulling Piper in for a kiss._

' _Well, nothing compared to the excitement of Liv's, clearly' she replies smiling, 'but, I'm pretty sure I'm about to turn into your least favourite person in about thirty seconds…'_

' _Why, have you made Tofu for dinner again?' Alex says, eyeing the oven suspiciously._

' _No….but it's Danny's welcome back party tomorrow and I'm working late, so I said you would take Liv straight to my parents after school'_

 _Alex groans 'Seriously Pipes? I can just about tolerate them when you're there..I mean today was….well, you know how it is and why didn't Carol mention anything to me today?'_

' _Cos she was to busy enjoying her birthday?' Piper offers._

' _Whatever' Alex mumbles, knowing full well this is just another passive aggressive way for Carol Chapman to get to her._

' _I know, I know and I wouldn't ask if it wasn't for work….and she is Liv's grandmother'_

' _The wicked witch of the west'_

' _Al!'_

' _What, I was just keeping to the Wizard of Oz theme' she says innocently._

' _Please?'_

' _They spend most of the time acting as if I'm not there and you didn't even come and meet us today'_

' _Babe come on, my conference call finished late and by the time I would have got there, they would have already left for the opera'._

 _Alex doesn't reply, just sighs loudly._

' _Please?' she repeats more gently this time, kissing Alex's neck. 'I'll make it worth your while' she whispers._

' _Hmmmm….' Alex mumbles, her resolve already wavering._

' _Is that a yes?' she says, locking eyes hopefully with her._

' _Fine, but only on one condition'_

' _Anything'_

' _Never…and I mean never….bring Tofu into this house again. Deal?'_

' _Deal'_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia(President)_

' _Liv already left?' Piper says rubbing her temples._

' _Yea, Cal just came to pick her up. How's the migraine?'_

' _Little better, I've stopped seeing spots and feeling nauseaus'_

' _It's almost like a throw back to your pregnancy, just without the out of control libido'_

' _Hey, you fucking_ _loved that'_

' _To a point…and then I kinda felt like a piece of meat, it was so degrading' she replies, with mock upset._

' _Oh shut up…'_

' _Hey, guess what'_

' _What?'_

' _Liv's already decided what she wants to be when she grows up'_

' _Oh yea? What's that then?'_

' _Oh, you know, only the president…'_

 _Piper immediately bursts out laughing. 'Well, she certainly has a vivid imagination but it's good to dream I guess'._

' _She's certainly got the credentials; manipulation and bribery, wonder where she learnt those from?'_

' _I hope you're not looking at me when you say that'_

' _Of course not…' Alex replies grinning, 'Although you got to admit, they are staple Chapman genes'_

' _Hmmmm…well my head still hurts, I'm going to lie down again, can you bring me some ginger tea?'_

 _Alex laughs._

' _What's so funny?'_

' _I've just remembered why I call her princess Liv and where she gets_ _that_ _from'_

 _Piper pouts_

' _You're not doing much to disprove my theory Pipes'_

' _You enjoy it, it keeps you on your toes'_

 _Maybe Alex thinks. Maybe._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Olivia(Grave)_

' _Hey, you ok baby?'_

 _Olivia nods._

' _Sorry, I had to take a call for work'_

' _S'ok, Harriet's fine anyway, she's in a very special place' she replies, looking up at Alex for confirmation._

 _Alex nods._

' _Of course she is honey, she's gone to Hamster heaven'_

 _She smiles satisfied._

' _Now go get in the car so we can visit auntie Polly and Finn'. Olivia nods and skips off towards the car._

' _Hamster heaven?' Alex says raising an eyebrow._

' _Well what else was I supposed to say and why did you have to bury the thing here, what was wrong with the back garden?'_

' _Next doors cat is always digging around and I didn't want poor lifeless Harriet to become Trixabelle's next meal!'_

' _Hmmm…well this pet cemetery gives me the creeps' she says, shivering a little as if trying to prove her point._

' _Pipes, there are no other pets buried here'_

' _That we know of' she says, her eyes darting around._

' _You worried a zombified hamster is going to come knocking at the door in the middle of the night?'_

' _Fuck you'_

' _Awww, don't worry, I'm sure Liv will protect you' she laughs._

' _Well next time, you can bring her by yourself'_

' _Don't worry Pipes, your secret's safe with me' Alex grins._

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

 _Prologue_

' _So what should Pete and I get him?' Polly asks, picking at her Cobb salad._

 _The lunchtime rush is abating now and Piper is a little disappointed, the background noise was acting as a good distraction to her thoughts._

' _I dunno Poll, I can barely think of a gift to get him myself and he's my fiancé!'_

' _Well he must want something?'_

 _Piper takes a sip of her sparkling water, wishing she had ordered wine instead. Today was shaping up to be one of those days._

' _Probably a new fiancé right about now' she replies, only half joking._

' _Come on Piper, Larry's totally in love with you. I mean I know you've both had a tough time recently, but you'll get through it' she says reaching over to squeeze her friend's hand._

 _The way Polly says 'both' immediately irritates Piper, as if Larry has suffered an equal amount of pain as she has. She knows she's being a little unfair, that he's lost a child too, but she was the one that had been carrying the baby…..their little girl, only to have her ripped away, leaving a hollow where a life had been blooming. The thought makes her feel light-headed._

' _You ok Pipes?' Polly asks, noticing her friend has become a little withdrawn._

 _For a second, Piper toys with the idea of being brutally honest, telling her that things have not been okay with Larry for a long time, that the baby would only have acted as a temporary fix to the very permanent problem of them, that she can't put her finger on the exact time it happened, but she is as certain as she can be that she is no longer in love with Larry. But she doesn't want more advice or lectures about what a great guy he is, so she pushes the thoughts to the back of her mind, leaving them to fester some more._

' _Um, yea….' She glances down at her watch. 'I just…I guess I should get going, see if I can find something for Larry's birthday' she replies, pushing her plate away. She just needs some air, some space to think._

' _If you're sure you're ok?'_

 _Piper nods, takes some money out of her purse for the bill and leaves Polly with a hug._

 _She walks aimlessly for a twenty minutes, head drooped, trying to avoid the late fall breeze, not paying attention to where she is going, until she notices an unfamiliar row of shops. Her gaze flicks from the bakery to the stationers and hovers over the vintage clothes store. More out of curiosity than any genuine interest in buying Larry a gift from there, she decides to take a look inside. She opens the door and the smell of worn leather greets her, sixties rock music provides a pleasurable background hum. Her eyes scan along the rack of jackets lined up against the back wall and the rows upon rows of vinyls, but the place is seemingly deserted. She flicks through them and spots a band that Cal likes and toys with the idea of buying it for him._

' _Hello, is anyone serving?' she calls out, but then suddenly remembers that Cal doesn't have a record player. Her eyes wander to the counter and a few seconds later a tall dark haired woman appears and Piper has no idea what it is, but there is something immediately captivating about her. Suddenly, she finds herself needing a reason to be there and more than that, to stay a little while longer._

 _So Piper tells the woman that she needs a tan leather jacket for her fiancé and immediately curses herself for revealing who the gift is for, though she has no idea why this bothers her, only that when she looks into the woman's green eyes, she can feel herself becoming a little flustered._

 _She tells Piper they have some new stock coming in and she finds her gaze lingering on the woman's lips, wondering what they would taste like, already forgetting what it is that she's supposed to be buying. But now she has a tangible reason to return and for the first time in months, she can feel her heart flutter with joy; unencumbered and light and it feels delicious. So she hurriedly scribbles her contact details down, already looking forward to next time, so carried away with the thought, that she forgets to leave her name, until that is, the stranger asks for it._

' _Piper, Piper Chapman' she tells her softly, her tongue lingering over each vowel, because she wants this name to penetrate the stranger's psyche, so she's not just another customer forgotten by the evening._

 _By the time she leaves the store, the sun is shining and she doesn't know why, but she has a feeling about this stranger and suddenly, she's looking forward to the onset of Winter. It feels nice._


	25. WS Sequel

AN: Hello folks, I've noticed I keep picking up follows on this story of late and I assume it's because I mentioned on my last fic (the ballad of the girl with the velvet heart) that I was doing a sequel to this story. Just so you know, I'm two chapters in to the sequel, but rather than just tacking it onto the end of this one, i've started a separate fic called 'When I'm Small (Blue Monday)' So if you're wondering where the sequel is, that's where it is!

Enjoy.


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